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I feel so hopeless (random stuff)
#1
I've dealt with depression for all my life but it got bad in my early teen years. Now I am 26, barely any friends. I think I've developed a problem with alcohol too. I have a job so at least  I can pay my bills. But I have some debt too from the time I was unemployed. Money causes me a lot of issues. And people are like "now that you have a job I hope you are saving all that money!! Smile". But I have nothing left of my salary to save because of all the regular bills, my pets medical bills and my dental bills. (yes, my teeth are awful. but at least I have managed to start going to the dentist!) It's just annoying how ignorant people are and expect me to save a lot of money.

Those people who I have around me are really pushy, what I mean it's always abotu them.  I just feel people live like 10000% their lives, pour their troubles on me and move on, and I'm left with NOTHING but their problems in my head and my own unshared feelings. I cant talk about my problems and just end up being the one people throw their problems at.

I'm just so annoyed with myself too. I'm very insecure and people sense it. Most people don't seem to like insecure people. I always wished I had something to distract myself from this reality. That's when I feel less insecure. What I mean is whenever I have something really important on my mind I don't care about others. That's when I feel good. This happens very rarely. I just wish I could distract myself from this reality so I didn't have to face anyone with my boring self. I don't know how people do it, how are they so confident. Why do I have to feel like this, so insecure and sad? And why have I felt so inferior all my life? Seriously, all my life. Damn it is depressing.

I don't know if this makes any sense. So many different topics in this post. It's just a random rant I guess. I feel so bad all the time. I know alcohol makes it even worse but quitting drinking won't solve my problems (though I have zero arguments why keep drinking either). All these depressed thoughts and feelings of being inferior come from early childhood, it's something that's travelled with me all my life every day every second. I really don't know how I can keep going on.
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#2
(07-25-2019, 05:25 AM)lovableplatypus Wrote: I've dealt with depression for all my life but it got bad in my early teen years. Now I am 26, barely any friends. I think I've developed a problem with alcohol too. I have a job so at least  I can pay my bills. But I have some debt too from the time I was unemployed. Money causes me a lot of issues. And people are like "now that you have a job I hope you are saving all that money!! Smile". But  I have nothing left of my salary to save because of all the regular bills, my pets medical bills and my dental bills. (yes, my teeth are awful. but at least I have managed to start going to the dentist!) It's just annoying how ignorant people are and expect me to save a lot of money.

Those people who I have around me are really pushy, what I mean it's always abotu them.  I just feel people live like 10000% their lives, pour their troubles on me and move on, and I'm left with NOTHING but their problems in my head and my own unshared feelings. I cant talk about my problems and just end up being the one people throw their problems at.

I'm just so annoyed with myself too. I'm very insecure and people sense it. Most people don't seem to like insecure people. I always wished I had something to distract myself from this reality. That's when I feel less insecure. What I mean is whenever I have something really important on my mind I don't care about others. That's when I feel good. This happens very rarely. I just wish I could distract myself from this reality so I didn't have to face anyone with my boring self. I don't know how people do it, how are they so confident. Why do I have to feel like this, so insecure and sad? And why have I felt so inferior all my life? Seriously, all my life. Damn it is depressing.

I don't know if this makes any sense. So many different topics in this post. It's just a random rant I guess. I feel so bad all the time. I know alcohol makes it even worse but quitting drinking won't solve my problems (though I have zero arguments why keep drinking either). All these depressed thoughts and feelings of being inferior come from early childhood, it's something that's travelled with me all my life every day every second. I really don't know how I can keep going on.

I want to read over this post again and really take it in before I reply properly, but it has been read and you will get an answer.
I held death's hand this evening.
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#3
(07-25-2019, 05:25 AM)lovableplatypus Wrote: I've dealt with depression for all my life but it got bad in my early teen years. Now I am 26, barely any friends. I think I've developed a problem with alcohol too. I have a job so at least  I can pay my bills. But I have some debt too from the time I was unemployed. Money causes me a lot of issues. And people are like "now that you have a job I hope you are saving all that money!! Smile". But  I have nothing left of my salary to save because of all the regular bills, my pets medical bills and my dental bills. (yes, my teeth are awful. but at least I have managed to start going to the dentist!) It's just annoying how ignorant people are and expect me to save a lot of money.

Those people who I have around me are really pushy, what I mean it's always abotu them.  I just feel people live like 10000% their lives, pour their troubles on me and move on, and I'm left with NOTHING but their problems in my head and my own unshared feelings. I cant talk about my problems and just end up being the one people throw their problems at.

I'm just so annoyed with myself too. I'm very insecure and people sense it. Most people don't seem to like insecure people. I always wished I had something to distract myself from this reality. That's when I feel less insecure. What I mean is whenever I have something really important on my mind I don't care about others. That's when I feel good. This happens very rarely. I just wish I could distract myself from this reality so I didn't have to face anyone with my boring self. I don't know how people do it, how are they so confident. Why do I have to feel like this, so insecure and sad? And why have I felt so inferior all my life? Seriously, all my life. Damn it is depressing.

I don't know if this makes any sense. So many different topics in this post. It's just a random rant I guess. I feel so bad all the time. I know alcohol makes it even worse but quitting drinking won't solve my problems (though I have zero arguments why keep drinking either). All these depressed thoughts and feelings of being inferior come from early childhood, it's something that's travelled with me all my life every day every second. I really don't know how I can keep going on.

If you have anything spare to save, put it away. If you don't, there is nothing you can do and the people who aren't in your situation have no right to give an opinion on it. 

Unfortunately, we live in a very selfish, self-centred time. People like to live in their drama. However, you can't give up on people. There will be someone out there who is willing to listen and help you deal with your problems. This place could be a good start. 

You have self esteem issues. That's why you feel insecure. Try mimicking the confident people. Observe what people do and what they respond to and mimic that behaviour. The greater interaction may help you build confidence that you can further develop in the future. However, I would also recommend some form of counselling so you can deal with your self esteem issues and depression in general. 

Again, try a counsellor, but also, speak to your doctor and see if they will prescribe anti-depressants. No, alcohol doesn't help, but drank in moderation it is fine.

Hope this helps.
I held death's hand this evening.
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#4
Did something bad happen in your childhood which caused you to become insecure of yourself?
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#5
Hello, Lovely

What stuck out the most in this post for me was when you said, "What I mean is whenever I have something really important on my mind I don't care about others. That's when I feel good. This happens very rarely."

Maybe, working towards something can give that to you? Have you thought about school? Or continuing ed? You could take one class. It doesn't have to be all at once. The main question would be, what are you passionate about? What do you love or could see yourself doing in five years? 

Start thinking about yourself and your future. There is nothing like accomplishing things to boost your self-esteem. 
I just think you need a little light in your life, something to work towards and look forward to. Of course, only you know for sure what is best for you. So, just mull it over. Find that "something really important" that could make a difference in your life and get the focus off your situation and other people. It may not be going to school. It could be whatever makes you happy and gives you purpose. 

Wishing you love, peace, and clarity.




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#6
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us.  About your situation, is there something that happened to you in your childhood? It is understandable the way what you feel for your situation and economic hardship. Let me tell you my friend that nothing can determine you. All of us have face wounds from childhood, but you are able to overcome those feelings. Love starts within yourself. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. I encourage you to discover your strengths and to work and overcome your weaknesses. That will make you feel more confident and secure of yourself.  Let me tell you that you’re not alone in this battle, you are important, valuable and a person worth of dignity and worthy of fighting for.   Have you thought of seeking counseling or therapy to help you with this situation?  Counseling can help you to heal the wounds from your childhood, to forgive parents, others and yourself.  Maybe it can sound like a cliché however things happen for a reason. And I know from my experiences that sometimes we do not know how to handle suffering. Suffering is neither good nor bad. And if we embrace it we can allow our transformation into a better person. Have you thought in a higher being? In spite of this situation let me tell you that you are important and valuable person and you are a person of worth of dignity. You may be having a hard time believing this, but that doesn’t disqualify you from being love and valued for exactly who you are. Have you considered to seek social outlets such as volunteer organizations such as Habitat for Humanity or other church groups, recreational groups like bowling, sewing and knitting etc,. In regards your drinking problems, have you considered to seek a support group such as ‘Alcoholic anonymous’ in your local area? I encourage you to be thankful for what you have in life and maybe it will help to make a list of all the good things you have and start saying “I am thankful for (for ex: one more day of life, my strengths and skills, my family, my job, I have money to pay my bills, etc)”.  These list-ly are extremely important for you are going through: https://list.ly/list/1CE4-looking-up-fro...n-darknessLet me tell you my friend that you have a purpose in life, suffering is something we can’t avoid. Please let me tell you my friend that you are not alone in this battle. 
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#7
Thank you for your responses, I've read them all with thought. I will write here soon. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate you all for writing to me. Smile
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#8
Well, first of all. I have a lot of siblings and stressed out parents. Meaning, I didn't get a lot of attention and didn't know how to seek for it either. I always kept to myself. Sometimes I was afraid of my parents and I had constant anxiety because they yelled a lot (especially mom). My sister was a bully but of course I always admired her because she was older than me. We've had a lot of fun together overall but there are a lot of bad memories from childhood.

For some reason I was always so very shy too. I never had a lot of friends but at some point it turned me into a negative person. I didn't even want any friends. Some pre-teen and teenage angst maybe? Anyway living in a small town everyone knows you and it was hard to fit in.I didn't share my feelings with anyone and I didn't share anything else either. This was because I though no one cares and also because I've always felt very empty.

I feel uncomfortable most of the time, in public places, with friends and family, and at work. Well, weird enough, I don't feel so uncomfortable with my sister who I mentioned earlier in this post. We get along pretty well these days. We don't share our deep thoughts, you know, but we have fun together.

I wrote something about early childhood in the first post. I don't know what it is. It's just how I've felt all my life. Somehow disconnected from myself and everyone else. Always viewing situations like an outsider, not really being me. It's like putting everyone else first and I don't mean this in a humble bragging way. It's just like me and my rights don't exist to myself. I can't tell where this is coming from. I've tried professional help btw but I can't talk to them or anyone really. Because I don't know where to start, feelings are so hard to describe, and because I don't know why I feel this way at all in the first place. Just wondering why I had to be the sensitive person.
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#9
I love your username. Lovableplatypus. When I read it, it gave me a warm fuzzy image in my head. Ty! I don't know what to say about other stuff other than drinking is not a great coping mechanism. I do it and it stinks. I hope you find a better way to make it through. Take care.
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#10
(07-25-2019, 05:25 AM)lovableplatypus Wrote: and I'm left with NOTHING but their problems in my head and my own unshared feelings. I cant talk about my problems and just end up being the one people throw their problems at.

God people ramble on, on and on.

Of all the things you’ve said, that’s the only thing worth reading, the rest is ramble!.

In your mind, YOUR mind, this is YOU!!!!, your thinking of everyone else. In there mind they are thinking of what they can get from you.

What do you want?, that’s YOU!, NOT what they want or me. NOT what THEY want. WHAT DO YOU WANT?????, WHAT DO YOU WANT?????. THAT’S YOU!!!!, forget the world and his wife.
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