Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Made To Feel Invisible
#1
Last night I decided to go to bed in my bedroom with my husband. (I'd been living in my side of our office to get some space from his anger). He came to bed around 5am. At one point, he was pushing me physically away from him and I asked him what was wrong.

He said that because of me, he hasn't had a good night's sleep in five years. 

He said that I get everything I want in the relationship and he gets nothing. All he wants is a good night's sleep.

We've had this conversation before and I'm as quiet as possible all day long while he sleeps. We have 6 pets and it's not easy to keep them quiet during the daytime when they have energy and are so active but I try my best.

He says I make noise on purpose to keep him awake. I tried to tell him that's not the case but he wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into a verbal assault to tell me that ever since we moved to this house (I bought the house last year), that I'm spending way too much money on "useless things" (useless to him). Mind you, he doesn't work and we live off my pension. I will freely admit that I have bought lots of art supplies lately. But I've also bought pet supplies, all the groceries, a snowblower, winter tires etc...he yelled that I should be saving my money so that we can renovate the basement so he can have his studio.

Renovating the basement will cost a good 10k and I won't have that money until 2024 or maybe even 2025. I mentioned that if he got a job, we can get all of that done quicker. He stated "I'm never working ever again so eff off Fay."

Besides all of the unreasonable demands, the hatred and the rejection, it just hurts to be told "Eff off" by your husband. Sad

I have really compromised a lot during this marriage of 16 years.  I'm beyond sad.

It's 1:45 in the afternoon where I live and he just walked out of the bedroom, into our office and took his laptop back into the bedroom. He completely ignored me, treated me like I don't exist. I'm really in pain right now. I don't deserve a look, a hello or a smile. Not even a "sorry" for being so mean to me. He also ignored the pets who all got up to greet him. Seeing happy dog tails wagging, then stopping when he walks right past them breaks my heart.

But I'm trying to be strong. I'm sticking to my boundary of not running to him out of panic because I feel lonely or hurt. I'm working on my self-esteem workshop so that I can find that emotional energy to end the marriage. It's so challenging.

My counsellor sent me an email this morning: "Fear is temporary, regret is forever." She was trying to  tell me that my fear of breaking up the marriage would pass, but that if I let that fear consume me, I would stay in the marriage and become trapped - and that I would definitely regret it.

I want to say why are men like this? But I'm sure there are women like this out there too. It's beyond my comprehension as to why people do this to each other, choose anger and hatred over love and happiness. I said that to him the other day, "You're missing out on a lot of love and happiness with me" and he just ignored me. Sad

Thanks for letting me vent.

ADVERTISEMENTS
Reply
#2
You really need to tell HIM to eff off. Why exactly is it your fault he has slept in 5 years and if he is so concerned about the noise, why is he sleeping during the day. I would really advise you to stop walking on eggshells around him and do what you want. Tell him flat out that if he doesn't like it, he's free to leave. Tell him that THIS is the way things are going to be and you will be doing what you want with or without him, so he can either fall in line and help or GTFO.

I know how hard it is to leave, I really do. It will hurt for a while, but you will be so amazed at how happy you can be without someone dragging you down and making you feel like shit.
Want to talk?  Check out the CHAT ROOM 
[Image: 190023__17637.1549904052.jpg?c=2]
Reply
#3
People sometimes do strange, bad or even awful things. Mostly we can't get into their heads and know why they do it and we can change them. And more over they don't have to behaive as we want. But we still can decide wether we let them this or not.
So imo it's better to think why you do what you do(and what you're afraid of) than why he make the bad things(because you can't change him it's out of your competence there is nothing you can do about it).

ADVERTISEMENTS
The world is all around us, so tell me what you see
Reply
#4
Fay my heart really goes out to you. I have experienced this. Until you are ready to make the final decision, just keep focused on you, your well being and needs. I would plan, plan, plan. This doesn't need to be nasty or leave him high and dry. For now the bed thing, could you rig a guest room with things he enjoy around him and suggest he might sleep better in this room and you have the bedroom. I say this, but he sounds like he might pick at this too. It might aid transition, I am assuming from what you have wrote you will stay in the house as it is yours. Although if you feel this may lead to being vulnerable from a verbal attack don't do anything. Have you got a plan for him moving out, will he have somewhere to go, does you have a plan of action if he refuses, does the lawyer have something ready to have him out.
Reply
#5
If you're not happy, then end the relationship. Why do so many women tolerate this kind of treatment from men that are basically arseholes?
Reply
#6
(02-24-2021, 06:08 AM)Forgottendanfan Wrote: If you're not happy, then end the relationship. Why do so many women tolerate this kind of treatment from men that are basically arseholes?

It's the years of drip effect brainwashing, they start off small, in the end believe the insults are true.  They make you believe you can't cope without them, because they have spent a long time making you feel useless.  In some cases they threaten you with something, threaten to take your children away anyway they can.  Your self esteem is rock bottom, in quite a lot of cases they have made you or isolated you from friends and family. You don't have the strength to leave because you are exhausted from surviving each day.  The gaslighting makes you think, you're going crazy.  Also these arseholes are mostly very charming to the outside world and the victim when it necessary, so many wouldn't believe they could possibly be capable of that.  Leaving is also harder when you have dependents, you have to be strong for them as well as yourself, especially if you are at risk of physical repercussions.

The time does come, usually something just snaps, or twigs and you are suddenly filled with adrenaline and can do it.
Reply
#7
(02-24-2021, 04:29 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: You really need to tell HIM to eff off.  Why exactly is it your fault he has slept in 5 years and if he is so concerned about the noise, why is he sleeping during the day.  I would really advise you to stop walking on eggshells around him and do what you want.  Tell him flat out that if he doesn't like it, he's free to leave.  Tell him that THIS is the way things are going to be and you will be doing what you want with or without him, so he can either fall in line and help or GTFO. 

I know how hard it is to leave, I really do.  It will hurt for a while, but you will be so amazed at how happy you can be without someone dragging you down and making you feel like shit.

I think he sleeps all day because he's bored and depressed. Not my problem. Life happens during the day in my home. I'm an early bird but I don't necessarily purposely make noise during the day to keep him awake. The pets are awake all day...and yes, it is really hard to end things. I won't leave, this is my house, but getting him out will be a challenge. He collects welfare and can't afford an apartment. Even if he could afford a room, he wouldn't be able to afford his cell phone and credit card payments or food for him or his cats.

This has been a big issue the last year. I know he can't afford to leave right now and that is part of my guilt of abandoning him. I know he's an adult and he should find a job, but this is a gray area for me. That damned guilt. My self-esteem coach sent me some articles on guilt and I need to study it. 

Sadly I think that is what's keeping me in this marriage at this point.

Btw, it's common law so I don't owe him a cent nor does he owe me one, which will make things easier.

There is something here called an EIO (Emergency Intervention Order). My counsellor told me she could file one for me. Basically because there is a history of emotional abuse, I can file the EIO and within 72 hours a judge will issue an order to have him removed from my home. This is going to be the worst case scenario if he refuses to leave after I end the marriage.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I can't imagine the strain it will be emotionally to go through all of this...but then on the other side of  the coin, I'm living through a mostly-daily gradual hell of emotional abuse.

I really wish I had somewhere to go where I could bring my dogs until he left. The shelters around here won't accept pets.

(02-24-2021, 05:49 AM)4No1 Wrote: People sometimes do strange, bad or even awful things. Mostly we can't get into their heads and know why they do it and we can change them. And more over they don't have to behaive as we want. But we still can decide wether we let them this or not.
So imo it's better to think why you do what you do(and what you're afraid of) than why he make the bad things(because you can't change him it's out of your competence there is nothing you can do about it).


You're so right. I came to the acceptance that I can't change him...and honestly I don't want to. If he was to change, it would have to come from him. I don't want to force anyone to love me. That's kind of sad.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of hurting him. That may sound weird considering what I've been posting about his abuse. I've been a people-pleaser my whole life, not a good thing. I know I learned that behaviour as a child when my parents were abusive and neglectful. I would do anything to please them, because that was the only way I could feel their love.

Knowing that doesn't help me though! Oddly enough. I know that I'm tolerating the abuse so that I can strangely please him so that he'll love me. But my gosh, he's not the only man out there...I think it may be time that I go into psychotherapy. I do speak to social workers but maybe I need more professional help to deal with this...
Reply
#8
(02-24-2021, 06:05 AM)Serenia Wrote: Fay my heart really goes out to you.  I have experienced this. Until you are ready to make the final decision, just keep focused on you, your well being and needs.  I would plan, plan, plan.  This doesn't need to be nasty or leave him high and dry.  For now the bed thing, could you rig a guest room with things he enjoy around him and suggest he might sleep better in this room and you have the bedroom.  I say this, but he sounds like he might pick at this too.  It might aid transition, I am assuming from what you have wrote you will stay in the house as it is yours.  Although if you feel this may lead to being vulnerable from a verbal attack don't do anything.  Have you got a plan for him moving out, will he have somewhere to go, does you have a plan of action if he refuses, does the lawyer have something ready to have him out.


Serenia, you have obviously gone through this and I applaud you for surviving. It's a taboo that most people can't understand even if you explain it.

Plan plan plan is a good idea. I was actually thinking that I would take my savings and buy an old RV trailer. I wanted to renovate it and maybe I could live there, or take the dogs and go travelling for a while this spring/summer. Then I could say "I'm leaving, please be gone when I return" or something like that....I mentioned above in a reply to Callie, the EIO order that I could file. If he was still here when I returned, I could do that to have him removed.

Actually last night, he ranted about wanting his own closed room where he could do what he wants and sleep any time he wants. So...I'm giving that to him. I have a very small house, There is only one bedroom. The "office" we share is the sunroom in the back of the house but there is no door. I will let him have the bedroom and I will live in the sunroom for now.

I also mentioned above the circumstance that he is on welfare. He has no money. He can't afford to live on his own. I'm trying to be in the mind frame of "his problem"...but I feel like I'm abandoning him if I kick him out. I've been there and it is traumatic and despite his abuse, I can't find it in me to do that. I know I have to, he's a grown man...but helpless at the same time, but maybe that's my trying to "save him"...it's all so messed up, as I'm sure you can relate to.
Reply
#9
I don't know where you are, but I would assume most countries have places to help people like him who aren't working and are on welfare.
Want to talk?  Check out the CHAT ROOM 
[Image: 190023__17637.1549904052.jpg?c=2]
Reply
#10
(02-24-2021, 06:08 AM)Forgottendanfan Wrote: If you're not happy, then end the relationship. Why do so many women tolerate this kind of treatment from men that are basically arseholes?

He is a self-admitted asshole. And no offence intended whatsoever, it's not that black and white after 16 years. The roots are deep and he is not always like that. When he is being a nice person, he's caring, affectionate, a dream really. I think that is one of the reasons we tolerate it. We know that just around the corner, we'll have that prince charming again, as corny as that sounds.

It's also entanglement...we have pets together...shared things...this may sound very odd, but the idea of dividing and separating is beyond paramount at this point. I've been beaten down emotionally and I barely have the strength to take care of myself these days.

(02-24-2021, 06:29 AM)Serenia Wrote:
(02-24-2021, 06:08 AM)Forgottendanfan Wrote: If you're not happy, then end the relationship. Why do so many women tolerate this kind of treatment from men that are basically arseholes?

It's the years of drip effect brainwashing, they start off small, in the end believe the insults are true.  They make you believe you can't cope without them, because they have spent a long time making you feel useless.  In some cases they threaten you with something, threaten to take your children away anyway they can.  Your self esteem is rock bottom, in quite a lot of cases they have made you or isolated you from friends and family. You don't have the strength to leave because you are exhausted from surviving each day.  The gaslighting makes you think, you're going crazy.  Also these arseholes are mostly very charming to the outside world and the victim when it necessary, so many wouldn't believe they could possibly be capable of that.  Leaving is also harder when you have dependents, you have to be strong for them as well as yourself, especially if you are at risk of physical repercussions.

The time does come, usually something just snaps, or twigs and you are suddenly filled with adrenaline and can do it.

Well written Serenia. <3

For a long time I was so in debt (from supporting us) that I needed his $200 a month contribution to our $3000 a month expenses. If I rocked the boat, he would threaten not to go to his welfare meetings. I'd worked SO hard all of my life to have a good credit rating...and maybe it's warped thinking, but I couldn't bear the idea of being late on rent, so I tolerated his abuse to have that measly $200 a month to pay the bills.

Also, I was and am so emotionally exhausted by the constant:
1. debating
2. challenging
3. hypersensitive misunderstanding
4. irresponsibility
5. silent treatment
6. gaslighting
7. moodiness
8. DRAMA....
...that the idea of adding more stress to my life, like breaking up and having him removed from my home....well that would push me over the emotional edge.

I never had suicidal thoughts until 2018 when he chased me down the stairs calling me an effing B over and over...you see, he used to work as a customer service rep. He perceived that I was "rude" to the internet rep on the phone because I didn't ask him his name and ask how he was doing. So he decided to attack me verbally because of that.

I remember running out of the house, grabbing my car keys and driving to the mountain. I was this close to jumping when I thought of my dogs and how I couldn't abandon them. He'd likely have given them away.

I think that emotional abuse isn't very well understood by most of society.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads…
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  I feel that adult males who are "forever alone" are society's scapegoats. Forgottendanfan 38 1,227 Today, 09:04 AM
Last Post: ardour
  When did you Realize you are Invisible to the Opposite Sex? michael2 27 4,021 02-08-2021, 06:44 AM
Last Post: 4No1
  Invisible Cucuboth 6 1,815 11-26-2019, 06:54 PM
Last Post: Cucuboth
  I feel so very, very unlovable. Naizo 5 1,812 08-01-2019, 08:36 AM
Last Post: Naizo
  I feel unworthy and uninteresting because of her gmribbonboi 1 1,630 05-25-2019, 03:47 AM
Last Post: LostintheBardo
  Man I feel stupid, lol. Naizo 7 2,271 04-22-2019, 11:44 PM
Last Post: Naizo
  Do U too Feel Empitiness... male45 6 2,378 02-04-2019, 05:44 AM
Last Post: male45
  A possible explanation why some people feel they need to be in a relationship. Alonewith2cats 29 20,824 02-04-2019, 03:18 AM
Last Post: male45
  I'm 22 and can't even get a 16 year old girl to date me. I feel so pathetic. Matt L 27 10,122 12-08-2018, 09:58 PM
Last Post: Jessicat
  FEEL TRAPPED hitch1983 11 2,586 11-06-2018, 10:37 PM
Last Post: Richard_39

Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)