A little over 10 years of loneliness

[Sheepish]

Good morning.

So I've been reading these forums for about a year, maybe longer but never signed up due to never feeling the need to share anything or running the risk of someone I may know reading anything I type, but its reached a point where I feel the need to vent or at least see if anyones life has followed a similar pattern and managed to escape it. Just incase anyone I do know comes across this I'm not using a normal online name, although its rather fitting at times.

Where to begin, well I guess I'll start with saying that I'm 28, male and from England. I've pretty much spent the past 10 years locked away in a single room where I spend my days playing mmo's and other games and talking to the usual online friends for those past 10 years. None of them actually know the full extent of my problems, if any of them, I'm extremely private and keep everything bottled up and surpressed which tends to fester. Forgive me if this is a rather disjointed spew but I'm not very good at expressing myself.

I'll start right from the beginning, at age 15 I was attacked in broad day light by a group of guys on the top floor of a double decker bus, it was rather brutal, nothing sexual just a good solid beating and mugging for no other reason then I was an easy target (was only 5ft back then). After that I pretty much tanked my GCSE's, I was expected to get 9 but only got 5, I was skipping school out of fear of leaving the house but when the school brought it to my mums attention I played it off and just delt with it and finished the exams. I then went on to do my A levels, but 1/3 of the way in I completely recoiled from society, I stopped going out and sat on my computer day in and day out. This went on for about 2 years, I started to put weight on having going from an active kid to a microwave chip eating counter strike addict.

At 18 we moved from London to Wales and I was in a small village isolated from everyone and everything, there I put on more weight which made me even more determined to shy away from people. It was there that I shut off from the world until we were forced to move back to England 7 years later due to my mums partner being a complete and utter shitbag. So I was 25, 5ft6 and 230lbs and stuck in a house in the south east of England surrounded by people who terrified me. Going from no people to thousands almost drove me over the edge.

Then one day when I was 26 I woke up, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw this monster staring back at me, I knew I had to do something about it so I stopped eating, I didnt eat a thing for almost 4 months and then after that only 500-1000 cals a day. I went from 230lbs down to 140lbs and thought losing all the weight would help, but it didn't. I still refused to go out, even the garden was hardwork incase one of the neighbours were out and about.

Now to the more relevant points, I'm not sure why I rambled on about all the other stuff but I guess it helps to vent and get some sort of background. When I was coming up to my 28th birthday I decided enough was enough and went to the doctors and got help through various therapies, the most important one was the cognitive behavioural therapy which helped me to ignore the paranoia of everyone staring at me and allowed me to go out freely which I can now do (for the most part).

So now I'm almost 29 and I'm still not right, getting back on track is so hard, I cant get a job because my CV is blank and the moment they see any health issue on it, it goes out the window. Although I can go out I have no reason to nor do I have any money to spare even if I did. About a week ago I also tried to take my own life, if it wasn't for me vomitting after downing a bottle of pills I wouldn't of survived. I've made an appointment with my GP to talk about anti depressents, I've never taken medication for any of my issues but I really think I need them.

These things are just part of the problem really, the real issue and reason for me trying to end my life is the loneliness. I'm almost 29 and never had a girlfriend, its a bit hard to find one when you lock yourself away for 10 years plus both my only friends live out of the country so I never get to see them and I don't make friends easily, or at all in the real world.

So I guess if you are still reading what I wanted to ask is, has anyone been in a similar situation and escaped? Is medication a viable option? The thought of being on them for any length of time worries me greatly. And lastly, is the lack of experience with the opposite sex a huge deal especially at my age? The fear I have of telling any woman I may begin anything with is so embarrassing it stops me from even trying and don't suggest lying, thats just not going to happen.

Thanks for reading and any information you can provide to help. Once again, I apologise for the long long mundane post.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I didn't isoate myself that long but i isolated myself long enough
to really messed me up. Forcing myself to go out into public was
A major challenge. I simply wanted to vommit being around humans.

Returning to work was a challenge. I also had to go work
In mexico for a while. I dont know any Spanish.
It was a challenge but for the most part i took it like thrropy
I needed. I remembered the mental state i was in then..
I still had PTSD. My emotiond were moorrshed. I had constant
Prrsure in my head.
I slso attented support groups. It allowed me to
Tslk more openly what i was going through...
Plus i simply nreded exposure to people to keep
Myself from isolating after work.

Ky feeligs where so mooshed. I coulnt make connetion
With people for the longest time. Everything was still s bit
Foggy.
I also started to exercise. Got back into shape..ect.
I was making progress but still didnt feel any meaningful
Connection to lift or people.

---

I would get anxiety attacks often.....becuase i had PTSD.
I knew my anxities didnt contribute from my selfesteem.

The thing of it was.....i knew how it was to feel well.
But i wasn't well or thinking ckesrly which made it more frustrating.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

That's quite the incredible journey. I'm not sure how much I can advise you being that my situation is just beginning. However, as far as medication is concerned, it seems like something from the benzodiazepine family would help the most if you don't want to start on a dependant drug therapy. I imagine you could start from there and take as needed until you decide, this works, or, maybe I need something more.

As far as worrying about relationship stuff, again my advice probably wouldn't be the most sound. However, it seems you might be best worrying about all that when you get there. Relationships are very very tricky business to begin with all on their own. There are plenty of people who prefer the comfort of their home life to most anything else. And as far as being a virgin, it's always a bigger deal for the person who is a virgin than the other person. I mean think about it, really... It says very little about a person's character due to the circumstances leading up to loss of virginity being so varied. I'd say your biggest worry would have to be how well you can perform, but a good challenge leads plenty of room for improvement. ...So as I've said, probably best to worry about that when you get there, and then just remember it's never going to be as big as a deal as you make it out to be, and practice makes perfect.

Again, I do highly suggest you avoid jumping on the SSRI train right away, as it may very well not be necessary. Work on building your routine, finding some sort of work or job to keep you busy, or classes, or some thing. And try to include in that routine some activity that forces you out of your comfort zone, even if the end result is something you don't like, practice again, will make perfect.

As for myself, circumstance has lead me to a very solitary life. I've always been the solitary type and never had a problem with it, but there was a time when my life was quite socially busy. Everything has stopped for me, no job, no immediate friends. There really tough times were going for a month or so without saying more than maybe a paragraph with my own vocal chords. My problem is also fear and just not caring. I don't really want anything else out of life, I don't think. I've begun to read and trying to teach myself various new things to try and stay busy, but it's hard to make any of it seem worth while when there really is absolutely no point to do anything at this point except, well...

So, I only recommend and advise based on what advice I follow for myself. I continue to look for work and try to keep busy and enjoy the social activities I do have online. Good luck to you...
(and I might add as crow pointed out, exercise is a very good thing, does not hurt in the least to get some sort of exercise routine going)

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Then i came across the SEDONA METHDOE..
ITS A PROGRAM THAT HELPS YOU LET GO OF NEGATIVE
EMOTIONS.
I made great improvements within a week.
Poeple noticr the changes in me.
I felt lighter, my emotions wernt moodhed and the tension
In my head went away.

 

[Sheepish]

As you both mentioned exercise does help but right now its frozen in England so going for a run with ice everywhere is a nono plus I cant do anything in doors as I'm currently living with a bucket at my side (lovely image I know).

Thanks for both replying, I'll take more onboard when I feel a bit better and I guess you are right about the relationship stuff, it is a huge deal for me just because of the pressure of performance but maybe one day I'll find a woman who doesn't character assasinate me.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Than my exwf contacted me...it was a double edge sword.
She and i had a very violent episode and a vrry nasty divorce.
A lot of hurted, hatred and anger we had for each other.
20 yrs had gone by since i last spoke to her.

At the sametime she had reach out to me.
I felt like i could make connection with life again.
She would call me everyday for 3 months.
I felt loved again. I felt forgivness.
Whatever hurted and anger we had. We were able to let go..as best we coukd.
Incidently she broke my heart again....but i felt something.
A connection back to life even though i felt pain.
So, i kinda regress or relasped for a while....
My ways of coping is other women. Its donst
Have a numbing Effect...whst it dose is cover up
my pains.....
At the sametime... i was able to tell my exwf to fresia off...
Pinned up anger that needed to be relessed.
She did the same to me....
It was healing for the both of us..in a wierd way.

---

Of couse...she knew what is the heart of my anger
Towards her....Our daughter Jordan.
I love Jordan very much. Jordan contacted
Me soon after to try to establish a relationship
With me.

---

Soon there after my ex fiancee contacted me.
We had a hell of a past....
Renae was extreemly angery at me.
Were still work in progress.

Renae had chiocen the medication route.
Living with her had been a nightmair.
Even though theyre prescibe meds.
Theyre still narcatics...
She struggles with addictions.

As far myself...no meds.
I do feel much much better today than
3 years ago, inspite of the challenges
Renae and i have. Lots of love and healing
She and i both need.
Its been a long journey...its not over yet.
I feel i can breathe again even though my
Life isnt so perfect.

 

[TheMaul]

That's pretty rough. I think after that period of time trapped in my own thoughts I wouldn't make it. I applaud your courage. And hope you manage to turn things around.
Its just...the dead end lights of no-one for a field of shadows where no people dare to go,
and only sagging rags rot on rusty poles waving flags of bleached colour,
for a country owned only by the lonely with a name that no-one knows.

 

[Peaches]

wow, you've been through war, and you picked yourself up all by yourself, you must be proud, be kind to yourself. If it took 10 years and more to become something, it is unlikely that things will change completely in one year, it sounds like you are doing giant steps, for sure in time you will heal completely, but these things take time. You don't sound crazy or depressed to me, you sound alone, and you sound like you are having a moment of despair, but that no matter how deep disappears once one finds a little of satisfaction in life (if one is not clinically depressed).
I know how you feel, for at least 3 years of my early teens I was abandoned/locked in a house, mostly alone or with mental patients, and since then I suffered from terrible social phobia for most of my life, and went through a phase similar to what you describe, only at 16 (wow, is that me? wake up) then took benzodiazepines for many years to stand being with other people, and I can tell you that they did NOTHING that I couldn't have done with CBT, probably after one year or so they did worse by making me extremely anxious, which I was not before, and that did not help. Also it did not help that I always forced myself mercilessly to put up a face and go in the social situations that I dreaded, provoking constant panic attacks and binge eating for years, only at the time in my country nobody knew about social phobia, so I was considered only very "emotional" and mildly deranged, and couldn't get any help at the time.
I can say it's not over, but it's getting better all the time, and the interesting thing is if I don't see anyone for like a week because of a flu, a deadline etc, the fear comes back, so powerful is conditioning.

They say selective exposure is the best http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy that is exposing yourself little by little, maybe that is what you are doing too. It's good to have friends far away, if you found them it is likely that you will find some more did you consider real life RPGs? there is some cool people there, and they are mostly a friendly bunch, I hear. And: as there are people here to answer you, probably there are some also to meet in real life - do you have groups for social anxiety in England? or other groups for other psychological distresses? any excuse is good to meet potential people who understand you. - exercise is good, exercise makes you fit, good-looking and in a better mood, I hope to follow my own advice too

Wish you all the best with all my heart, hope you hang in there

 

[Sheepish]

We do have groups and the what not for a lot of social issues, most are many many miles away from me so its not viable. I dont have an issue being out or around people anymore for the most part and as you said peaches, its mostly the loneliness thats killing me. I dont make friends easy at all because I dont trust very many people, only 3 infact. I went to the doctors earlier this week, hes put me on Mirtazapine to help me, I wasn't eating or sleeping more then 2-3 hours a day, I'm hoping they take effect in a week. It wont help with me being alone and no one to share my life with, but I'm hoping it aleast makes it more bearable. Still wake up wishing I hadn't though, its killing me.

 

[21acceptedbeingalone]

I can relate to your situation man. Im 23 and have always had trouble making friends and Ive always been really nervous around people. Once I got to college I just got sick of trying and Ive literally been friendless for a little over 4 years. I have a few online friends, but that is it. I also have pretty much no experience with the opposite sex. On top of that I have physical problems that makes sex impossible, so I might have to somehow cope with being alone for the rest of my life. Ive also recently reached out to my family and doctors now and am starting up therapy. I am hoping I can improve my life and become happy, but part of me thinks its still hopeless. I guess trying to improve upon ones life is better than sitting around and doing nothing. Id been using video games to distract myself from my problems for a long time too. I am trying to confront them now. I've also considered taking medication, like anti-depressants or something, but am scared of the side effects. Im trying to give thereapy a chance first, but might jsut try the pills eventually because I am running out of options.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

We do have groups and the what not for a lot of social issues, most are many many miles away from me so its not viable. I dont have an issue being out or around people anymore for the most part and as you said peaches, its mostly the loneliness thats killing me. I dont make friends easy at all because I dont trust very many people, only 3 infact. I went to the doctors earlier this week, hes put me on Mirtazapine to help me, I wasn't eating or sleeping more then 2-3 hours a day, I'm hoping they take effect in a week. It wont help with me being alone and no one to share my life with, but I'm hoping it aleast makes it more bearable. Still wake up wishing I hadn't though, its killing me.

Some advice I would say to tell the doctor to keep the dosage as low as possible and I would not let them keep upping the dose dramatically like mine did, just try it out at a low dose and say something like "let's keep the dose low and see if I make progress". He was doubling mine every few weeks. They might work for you but anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds don't work for everyone. For me, I was on every type going back and forth up and down doses and it had little to no effect of me at all and they finally stuck with Zoloft for me. It actually made suicide feel like a more acceptable solution and I ended up in a mental hospital for trying to drink myself to death and blacking out on the sidewalk in front of a bank a block away from my house. When I tried to stop taking them within about 6 hours I got these nauseous, dizzy, completely unbelievable feelings that I had never felt before and they stopped almost immediately after I dosed again. I had to literally make myself sleep as long as possible all day for around 3 weeks to get through the withdrawals. It felt like my ears were constantly ringing and my head was falling off my shoulders along with these crazy electrical zapping sensations that would just continue to happen every 30 seconds or so. I really thought I was meant to kill myself and that was the only way it would stop. It was insanity. I hope you have a positive experience though with anti-depressants. Mine was absolute hell and I'll never try them again no matter what happens or how I feel. To top it off, when I complained to the doctor he said something like "There are no magic pills that can make you better." Thanks, Doc!

 

[Peaches]

my drug recently has been hope at least the only side effect is disappointment when things don't work out, it's a big one

 

[Sheepish]

Ah the joys of no internet for a week, gotta love people digging up the roads and breaking cables. My dosage is pretty low at the moment, only 20mg a day, I'm not sure its helping yet but at least I can sleep some more now, they do make me very tired which I guess is a good thing since I was getting about 2 hours a night before. I have noticed one side effect though other than being tired, I seem to crave chocolate, anyone else on medication have that too? It's like an insane need for the stuff.

 

[firebird85]

Too bad people like us have to be alone without making the choice. Nobody should have to be single if they don't want to but look at the dating relationship attraction process. It's all messed up. Crowded population but people who are perpetually alone not by choice.