A little worried

[Locke]

I started seeing someone recently. We've been out a few times, I like her and we get along really well. The problem is that I'm afraid to tell her some stuff about myself. I have social anxiety, and get really nervous in crowded places, and even have panic attacks sometimes. I've managed to keep calm while I've been out in public with this girl, but it's kind of exhausting. I also have things from my past that I'm not looking forward to telling her, like that I was married before.

I was thinking that I would tell her some of this stuff next time I see her. That way if I ever have a panic attack in the middle of a mall or something, maybe she'll understand. It's still early in the relationship, so there's no need to tell her everything about myself, but I don't know how much to tell her, and how honest to be. I also wonder if people are generally okay with dating someone who has issues like mine? I'm probably worried over nothing, but....I don't know.

 

[lostatsea]

I can understand why you'd be worried about saying too much too soon. Dumping all your "baggage" on someone will scare off some of them.

I'd do it as slowly possible. Just my own two cents. How few is a few times? How bad are these panic attacks, and how bad is your social anxiety. I know those can be overcome in mild cases and the fact that you've been fine so far is a good sign.

I will also confess I have no good experience to base any of this on.

 

[Seeker]

It may be better to unravel your "secrets" periodically, as your relationship is still fresh. Although, if she already shares her secrets with you, it means that she will probably be receptive to yours to. As for your panic attacks, in my opinion it may be better to let her know from now, since it is something you have little control over and may freak her out when it comes out of the blue. If she is really into you, she will understand.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I think you know what you are doing, it's natural to be a little worried but is she really cares about you then she should accept you for all that you are.

 

[Locke]

Thanks everyone,

I guess I'll tell her about the panic attacks, and let everything else come slowly. I just worry that even that's enough to drive her away. But if it does it does, I guess. I just wonder if people are willing to deal with something so not-normal. Like maybe no woman will ever want me. I'm just feeling sorry for myself though, and that's not good.

I can understand why you'd be worried about saying too much too soon. Dumping all your "baggage" on someone will scare off some of them.

I'd do it as slowly possible. Just my own two cents. How few is a few times? How bad are these panic attacks, and how bad is your social anxiety. I know those can be overcome in mild cases and the fact that you've been fine so far is a good sign.

I will also confess I have no good experience to base any of this on.

The anxiety and panic attacks are pretty bad at times, and isn't just a mild case. A panic attack can feel like you're going to die if it's bad enough, and there are people who are afraid to leave their homes for fear that they'll have an attack in public. I haven't had many panic attacks lately though. Still probably better to tell her than let her find out the hard way.

 

[Retrospective81]

I started seeing someone recently. We've been out a few times, I like her and we get along really well. The problem is that I'm afraid to tell her some stuff about myself. I have social anxiety, and get really nervous in crowded places, and even have panic attacks sometimes. I've managed to keep calm while I've been out in public with this girl, but it's kind of exhausting. I also have things from my past that I'm not looking forward to telling her, like that I was married before.

I was thinking that I would tell her some of this stuff next time I see her. That way if I ever have a panic attack in the middle of a mall or something, maybe she'll understand. It's still early in the relationship, so there's no need to tell her everything about myself, but I don't know how much to tell her, and how honest to be. I also wonder if people are generally okay with dating someone who has issues like mine? I'm probably worried over nothing, but....I don't know.

I've recently developed 'social anxiety' myself and also I hold back a lot from people unless it absolutely feels right. Even then though, there is no guarantee that the outcome will be all buttercups and daisies! Recently opened p to someone offline and I saw the looks on their faces or they promptly changed the subject. You can imagine how foolish I felt!

Like you said its early days and indeed, no need to tell her so much about yourself. Just tell her what you feel is right but like I said, it can be risky so just plat caution to the wind. I hope so far you two are doing good though Only be as honest as you allow yourself to be and not honest because you think others expect it or deserve it. Hope that helps Locke

 

[Tiina63]

Maybe you could, when arranging your next meeting, say that you would like to meet somewhere quiet as you panic easily in crowded places so find them a strain to cope with. For me, if a date said this to me, it wouldn't put me off at all. It might even bring you closer as she could feel more able to be open about her own anxieties.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Hey.
I may have a bit different opinion than people that advised you in here actually.
I think you should tell her without fear.
People have different problems, different history, different fears, and partnership is about understanding and accepting them. I believe that if you found a right person to be with, she will accept it, and if she will not, is she really a person you want to be with?
I would suggest something like: ,,Do you think we dated long enough for me to tell you the things that may drive you off?"... And tell her how it is. If she is compassionate and likes you, she will accept it. Maybe even she will tell you something about her.
I believe that even if she gets scared or anything, you will be more free around her, so she can get to like you more, as she can see that you really are a sweet person despite all of what is troubling you.
I generally believe that people should be honest to each other, as that could form a stable relationship.

But I don't know if what I´m telling you is right. Maybe it is not, in which case I apologize for taking your time with nonsense.
I wish you the best, and hope you will be happy together, and she will like you no matter when she gets to know all of this.

 

[GrannySmith111]

I think you know what you are doing, it's natural to be a little worried but is she really cares about you then she should accept you for all that you are.

This. The sooner you tell her the easier it will be. If she actually cares about you then she will accept you for who you are. Say you kept this from her and one day she finally finds out somehow. She might not be disappointed in the fact that you have these issues, she will be disappointed with why you never trusted her enough to share these things with her.

 

[Peaches]

I'd say, no more than one issue per week, even the Beauty had to learn to love the Beast before accepting all that hair, I am not implying here that you are a Beast of any kind, you seem a very sweet person, but, well, it was an analogy, you see what I mean.

 

[Locke]

Thanks Retro, very helpful. And you're right, you can never tell how people will react, even people you know.

That's a good idea Tina, and I took your advice. I invited her over and made dinner for her. I thought that home would be a good, quiet place. But an emergency came up, and she had to leave before I could tell her. I'll try again tomorrow.

Thanks YellowCat, that's something to think about, and it wasn't nonsense at all.

Hey Granny. You're right, keeping things from people you care about is a betrayal sometimes. I just wish I didn't feel like a circus freak. I hate the way people look at me when I tell them my wife died. I hate how some people treat me when they find out I have anxiety and panic, like I'm a lesser person or something. But still, I can't pretend forever.

Thank you Peaches, that's really nice of you! And it was a good analogy. I get treated like I'm a beast a lot. But telling her no more than one thing a week sounds like a good plan.

Thanks everyone.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I think they have all said what I thought of saying.. sorry I came too late to this thread. How's it going now? I hope it's going okay. *hugs*

 

[Locke]

I think they have all said what I thought of saying.. sorry I came too late to this thread. How's it going now? I hope it's going okay. *hugs*

It's going okay.

I think I'll stop by her work later in the morning, and bring her some coffee. What woman wouldn't like a guy who brings her coffee?!

 

[ladyforsaken]

Aww that's sweet, Locke.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I think they have all said what I thought of saying.. sorry I came too late to this thread. How's it going now? I hope it's going okay. *hugs*

It's going okay.

I think I'll stop by her work later in the morning, and bring her some coffee. What woman wouldn't like a guy who brings her coffee?!

I think the main thing is to stop worrying and enjoy it !

 

[Solivagant]

I think I'll stop by her work later in the morning, and bring her some coffee. What woman wouldn't like a guy who brings her coffee?!

What a sweet gesture. =]

 

[ardour]

There's no way you can hide any of this long term, so you may as well just come out with it. If she recoils then it wasn't going to work anyway.

 

[daughter of the moon]

**** it, yes! I want someone like that! grrrrrrrrr. lol

I think I'll stop by her work later in the morning, and bring her some coffee. What woman wouldn't like a guy who brings her coffee?!

What a sweet gesture. =]

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I think they have all said what I thought of saying.. sorry I came too late to this thread. How's it going now? I hope it's going okay. *hugs*

It's going okay.

I think I'll stop by her work later in the morning, and bring her some coffee. What woman wouldn't like a guy who brings her coffee?!

I'm glad everything is going well for you! And any woman would love coffee, of course lol! =) So happy for you Locke!!