A Lonely Life (disturbing content)

[Ippo]

Just ignore this post....if you don't want to be affected by "dark" thoughts, I apologise for copying the forums name, can't think of a more fitting title.

Probably no one will read this but oh well.....I got some major anger issues,apart from having depression i'm both suicidal and homicidal, I just hate this ******* world (you're allowed to swear, right?).... everybody is a sadistic hypocrite, I hate my emotions and my conscience, I can't do what I was meant to do , guess this is just a "dark" place. I really do wanna help people and any other living things for that matter, by putting them out of their misery.... my family, friends,my psychiatrist, neighbours, pets, children, strangers.... what's the difference they're all fuckheads that deserve to meet a torturous and painful demise, the only things I hear from their mouths is " ******* KILL ME ALREADY!", it would be my pleasure. I've had these thoughts since the age of 6, how's it like to be free of these thoughts anyways.... I'm trying to change, to give it time, but I seem to be going nowhere....helplines, medication, meditation, ******* hypocritical and harsh "psychics", my psychiatrist, interests..... it seems they are only a temporary relief from this ordeal....
Oh and I've never been on recreational drugs, ever gotten drunk, smoked, been in jail or arrested and all the other mechanisms, a majority of my peers do.

I feel so lonely, how do i put it? Because of these feelings I can't relate to anyone, everyone would think I'm a freak, so I have to project a fake image of myself.... all I want is happiness, to have good friends and a good family I can connect with, is that such a ******* bad thing to ask for?
It seems the only thing I can hold on is boxing, my coach says I put this extremely unique and even murderous (jokingly of course) vibe on the ring when i fight, I hear people shout out "Holy honeysuckle, what a ******* monster!", (as compliments probably, but I don't care fresia them.) well ain't that the truth? I just love receiving the pain from getting hit and then getting up for some more despite having blood clog up my throat and nose, bruises and blood spurting everywhere and I love how there is actually a place I can express my anger, where I can wreck my opponents and see their blood fly all over the canvas and then getting out there to be covered by blood and bruises, people finally see who I really am, that quiet, introverted kid is a "MONSTER!"...ah boxing, the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I know "you're the only one that can change!" well ********, if that were the case, then wouldn't every other person going through the same thing as me, be merry forever.
All these murderous thoughts repeating over and over and over in my head, fresia this, how do I fight it.....I feel like giving in, but I can't lose to "the darkness"..... reminds me of a boxing match, symbolic much?

I hate this..... such a lonely place, surrounded by people but unable to connect, ******* life is teasing me..... I am sorry you had to read all that honeysuckle and I'm not as eloquent as I would be if I had had a clear head..... so many thoughts running in my head right now.....I'm sorry, I can't keep this all to myself, but probably no one cares, that is my expectations.... who can help me anyway? I have to fight this one alone......

I'm sorry.

 

[Poe's Prodigy]

I know this is might be shocking but guess what? I get it.

Yes, there are other people who know what you're going through and the incredible amount of honeysuckle everyone puts you through.

I have that same absolute rage sometimes (a lot of times) and I don't even have the luxury of releasing some of it in a good old-fashioned fight because of the sterotype bullshit that says that because I'm a girl I can't be agressive. I use poetry. How much do you think that helps?

The only way I get through my day is my realization that I'm better than most of the people I have to deal with. My plan is to get through high school and university and become a hermit.

I am not saying homicidal thoughts are normal though. If you feel like that all the time you really should find a way of calming yourself down or something. If you realize that killing people isn't going to make things better and let go of some of your rage you'll end up happier.

Or so I'm told... if you do end up doing that, e-mail me some tips.

It's good that you've found this forum. There's a lot of great people on here that want to help you (exibit A = this post). You don't have to fight this one alone. We can help you.

 

[phant0m]

I think everyone has dark thoughts like that or has had them on occasion. I dont think I could every hurt my family though or strangers, only people that screwed me over. But I wouldnt do that anyway, because I wouldnt want to be in jail or shame my family, etc. You're not alone in feeling alone, a lot of us are fighting this battle of lonliness alone, too bad we cant all fight it together.

 

[SophiaGrace]

keep boxing, its a safe way to let out your inner demons IMO

Also you might want to consider going into the military...o_o unless you think it'd make your struggles more unmanageable...

Something to think about.

 

[packyourbags]

Probably no one will read this but oh well...

you would be surprised. i have, and seems like others have as well.

I feel so lonely, how do i put it? Because of these feelings I can't relate to anyone, everyone would think I'm a freak, so I have to project a fake image of myself.... all I want is happiness, to have good friends and a good family I can connect with, is that such a ******* bad thing to ask for?

i know what you mean. sometimes it is nearly impossible to find someone that truly knows how you feel. and i know how lonely that feels.
i guess that the only thing i can truly offer - is to listen without judging. it's not the same - but sometimes, it is the next best thing.
so if you feel like it - you are welcome to talk, and i won't think you are a freak. or any other such thing.

.I'm sorry, I can't keep this all to myself, but probably no one cares, that is my expectations.... who can help me anyway? I have to fight this one alone......

well. don't keep it to yourself - that does nothing good, ever.
but you are wrong thinking noone cares. and well, sometimes i guess, you need people to be around and help you help yourself.

you don't have to be completely alone in this.
keep talking.
please.

 

[h i]

issues like schizophrenia usually are from a severe belief that something is happening to the individual due to some form of self centeredness. they have some godly power, theyre chosen, theyre special, they know something no one else does, different, etc.

i often think like you phrased,

I feel like giving in, but I can't lose to "the darkness"

just stick with that. you can do it.

 

[Badjedidude]

(you're allowed to swear, right?)

Lol yes, in moderation and when appropriate.

Also you might want to consider going into the military...

I wouldn't advise it. The military isn't a place for this sort of angry attitude. I think he'd end up being discharged from service if he weren't able to pull things together and adopt a different, professional, task-oriented attitude with less angst.

But you do like boxing, Ippo? I'd say that you should set your sights on something in that realm, such as UFC fighting. Have you ever seen that stuff on TV? It gets pretty rough and bloody...and if that's what you're into, GO FOR IT! Just don't lost control and kill anybody in the ring.

----Steve

 

[Night Queen]

i can feel you. Most of the time i feel like that.

 

[Mysis]

I don't know how much of what you said is simply angst, or venting, but I will comment that you show some concerning signs.

The fact that you feel homicide would be an act of mercy is one of them.

This is actually a common belief held by people who do go on to hurt others.

For example, people who keep their children in solitary confinement from birth tend to believe that by isolating their child, and never allowing them to be around other people, or go into the outside world, that they're actually protecting them from the dangers and hardships of life.

You mentioned that you see a psychiatrist. I would strongly advise you to alert them of these urges and feelings, and for how long you've had them, and just be brutally honest with them.

You cannot be arrested for seeking help when you haven't hurt anybody. So you don't have to worry about that or anything. But it will allow people to address these issues and work with you properly so that such feelings can be managed and coped with effectively to let you live a much higher quality of life.

People with such views are generally believed to be created, and not born. That is to say, you weren't born a "bad" (for lack of better terms) person. Nobody will say it's your fault you feel this way. In fact I think a psychiatrist might be quite understanding.

However, if this is merely venting on what you would consider a "not too often" occasion, and don't feel there's any real problem or risk of you hurting someone, then I can only say I think many people have been there, especially in our teenaged years.

Continue boxing. It's a great sport. But also pick up on the sportsmanship and respect for your opponent aspects as well... Don't want to pull a Mike Tyson, do ya?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

They're just thoughts. Don't trip...

mmmm...how do you think scary movies or novels came about?
It came from someone's mind.

Hopefully by not having guilty feelings of having those thoughts, it will releave some tensions.

Hopefully it will releave or lower some of your anger.
It's okay to feel anger or angery. Boxing is one of many ways to release that energy.

Yeah..sometimes I feel fustrated when I can't connect with people and be in the main stream of life.
On the other hand, in general I think people are fucken retarded and bunch of fucken penguin on a fucken march.
Oki doki...it's just what I think. my thoughts drives my emotions.
It was helpful and benificail to me to expanded on my volcabuary of emotions and define my feelings more.
Never that less...it's okay to feel what you feel...just as it is okay for you to have whatever thoughts.

You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings...
One of the biggest mistakes people make and this type of mentally is passed on from generations to generations...
is that people identify themselve as thier thoughts and feelings...

Even in speaking such as....."I am angery"
A truer statement is..." I feel angery". "I feel mean." "I feel like ***** slapping someone."
" I think she's a major psycho ***** of a whore"

When I feel or think something. It dosn't consitute reality for everyone else. Visa versa...
What other people think about me dosn't make beans either...it's just thier thoughts.
I thoughts arn't any better, grander than other people..visa versa. They're just thoughts. We all have thoughts...different thoughts..
It's like a fucken candie store...All flavors, taste, ...etc.
When people say good or bad...it's a value judgement...That's like saying "if you don't like what I like...you fucken suck."..it's retarded.
It dosn't even constitute my reality or who I am as a person.
It's just something going through my mind and feelings I'm feeling at a given time.

here...this statements helps me.

"you are not what you think but what you think you are."

in other word....i can't control my thoughts or what's going to pop into my mind.
So why would I critizise or condem myself?
When I have those thoughts pop into my mind...sometimes I'll run with it and entertain myself.
Other times I'll just let go...becuase some of my thoughts actaully freaks me out sometimes.lol
I also have PTSD...anything can trigger those thoughts and emotions...it's what my mind associate with when i was actaully experincing the turama.
I don't really enjoy getting those mental triggers...becuase it drives a lot of painful feelings.
It'll be like giving myself a life sentence for having nightmairs.

 

[Rocket]

I am EXACTLY this way. I am glad you posted this. I feel ever on the verge of snapping, not very many days go by where I don't have these thoughts. I am a short little girl with glasses, which when I ever DO come out with these thoughts, most of the time people don't believe such dark issues can be dwelling in such an 'innocent little body' which just INFURIATES me even more.

 

[Broken_Doll]

I can relate to some of what you've written. I have anger management issues, I can totally relate to the song 'Break Stuff' by Limp Bizkit, sometimes I just want to lash out but I don't. People are shocked and stunned when I really snap because I make a good show of being a calm, collected, 'sweet' (I get called this alot...), quiet girl in my day to day life.

 

[Mike Moose]

It's weird ain't how some people go through this honeysuckle and some seem not to? Or is everyone justing putting on a mask? I just grew up always thinking the world is run by evil corrupt bastards and I still know I'm right..but most folks seem to turn a blind eye and go through life like it's great..always striving for better things than everyone else has got..always trying to prove that they are best..
I don't always look the dark side to life and I know that is some good in the world but it's such a pisser facing everything by myself..
I'll never harm myself or others though..fresia 'em I still have my anger and know I now how to understand it better..

hee hee rant rant rant!! I'm real tired..i must of walked 10 miles today

 

[arkitek4]

You are really into some deep seating emotional thingi here bro, but you are not alone. I believe a lot of guys who log on here has some kind of pent up anger within them. I guess life is a *****! Ain't no life anyone is living and not having some kind of pent up anger about something and or someone or both. Disgusting, maybe. I think it is more like self expression on your part to say these words and open up yourself. Takes a lot of guts that few people can admit to.

Good thing about you is that you seem to have a good enough control over your emotions, lest we read about you on the news. Maybe there is something you have not seen yet about your condition, something you are destined to perform first before your thoughts go back to what society calls normal. Everyone of us has a part to perform while we are living and until you have not found that out I guess you are still doing a **** good job of expressing your emotions through means considered logical like boxing and writing.

Its really hard to live life, because its either you are mad at someone or someone is mad at you.

 

[Haz]

Sounds like you could use a bit of BDSM

Trust me, these emotions are a lot more widespread than you give them credit for. Hopefully its not chemical imbalances or something biological that is helping fuel your suffering, as there are clearly cognitive issues that need to be dealt with. I would just try to relax a little... take life as it comes. Ignore the pressures of the outside world and focus on improving yourself as a person, in your own individual way.

You have to direct your energies somewhere constructive, you are full of so much potential even if you don't know it yet.

 

[vmrshinde]

Can anyone be fully submerged in the ocean and yet dry...
what do you feel?
NO!!!
Similarly , this world in which we are living in is called as "dukhalayam ashashvatam"
Dukhalayam means a place of misery.
ashashvatam means temporary.

So this world is a temporary place of misery.
So it is not surprising to be miserable living in a miserable place..

To become happy , we should understand one principle.
We are not this body, but are spirit souls.

The body is always changing, but do we change? Does the witness of the body and the mind change? From boyhood to youth to old age, we are the witness of life. If you show a person a photograph of himself/herself as a little baby, they will say “that was me when I was 2 months old.” Now they might be 45 years old. Is that body actually the same? The body is very much different, and the mind of a 2-month-old child and the mind of a 45-year-old man or woman are very different. But it is the same soul, the same person in that changing body.
And at the time of death, the body is there, but there is something missing. If it is a material ingredient, why no one can find that ingredient to put it back? Death means there is nobody home. We are seeing through our eyes, tasting through our tongue, smelling through our nose, hearing through our ears, feeling through our flesh, thinking through our brain, and loving through our heart, but who are we? Who am I? That is the most important question in life. If we want to be actually happy and have meaning, we have to understand this

Just ignore this post....if you don't want to be affected by "dark" thoughts, I apologise for copying the forums name, can't think of a more fitting title.

Probably no one will read this but oh well.....I got some major anger issues,apart from having depression i'm both suicidal and homicidal, I just hate this ******* world (you're allowed to swear, right?).... everybody is a sadistic hypocrite, I hate my emotions and my conscience, I can't do what I was meant to do , guess this is just a "dark" place. I really do wanna help people and any other living things for that matter, by putting them out of their misery.... my family, friends,my psychiatrist, neighbours, pets, children, strangers.... what's the difference they're all fuckheads that deserve to meet a torturous and painful demise, the only things I hear from their mouths is " ******* KILL ME ALREADY!", it would be my pleasure. I've had these thoughts since the age of 6, how's it like to be free of these thoughts anyways.... I'm trying to change, to give it time, but I seem to be going nowhere....helplines, medication, meditation, ******* hypocritical and harsh "psychics", my psychiatrist, interests..... it seems they are only a temporary relief from this ordeal....
Oh and I've never been on recreational drugs, ever gotten drunk, smoked, been in jail or arrested and all the other mechanisms, a majority of my peers do.

I feel so lonely, how do i put it? Because of these feelings I can't relate to anyone, everyone would think I'm a freak, so I have to project a fake image of myself.... all I want is happiness, to have good friends and a good family I can connect with, is that such a ******* bad thing to ask for?
It seems the only thing I can hold on is boxing, my coach says I put this extremely unique and even murderous (jokingly of course) vibe on the ring when i fight, I hear people shout out "Holy honeysuckle, what a ******* monster!", (as compliments probably, but I don't care fresia them.) well ain't that the truth? I just love receiving the pain from getting hit and then getting up for some more despite having blood clog up my throat and nose, bruises and blood spurting everywhere and I love how there is actually a place I can express my anger, where I can wreck my opponents and see their blood fly all over the canvas and then getting out there to be covered by blood and bruises, people finally see who I really am, that quiet, introverted kid is a "MONSTER!"...ah boxing, the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I know "you're the only one that can change!" well ********, if that were the case, then wouldn't every other person going through the same thing as me, be merry forever.
All these murderous thoughts repeating over and over and over in my head, fresia this, how do I fight it.....I feel like giving in, but I can't lose to "the darkness"..... reminds me of a boxing match, symbolic much?

I hate this..... such a lonely place, surrounded by people but unable to connect, ******* life is teasing me..... I am sorry you had to read all that honeysuckle and I'm not as eloquent as I would be if I had had a clear head..... so many thoughts running in my head right now.....I'm sorry, I can't keep this all to myself, but probably no one cares, that is my expectations.... who can help me anyway? I have to fight this one alone......

I'm sorry.

 

[Comfortably_Numb]

the Mind is nothing more than a "side effect."
A dream. A residue.
An effect produced by the experiences you've undergone.
You really need to find out what's causing your disturbance. Rather than be driven by
this anger. Slow down a little. There is probably a reason why this anger is sprouting in you.
To see through it, you have to slow down a little, Learn to accept certain things in the world.

If you really open your eyes and look around, the world is not a pretty picture.
But then, we have to find our own tranquility, our own peace and quiet.
And survive. Tough world. But then, we are all in it together.
Regards.

 

[The Lonely One]

Trust me..."I know" what you mean and I understand....Me personally.

 

[Knyght]

the only things I hear from their mouths is " ******* KILL ME ALREADY!", it would be my pleasure. I've had these thoughts since the age of 6, how's it like to be free of these thoughts anyways.... I'm trying to change, to give it time, but I seem to be going nowhere....helplines, medication, meditation, ******* hypocritical and harsh "psychics", my psychiatrist, interests..... it seems they are only a temporary relief from this ordeal....
Oh and I've never been on recreational drugs, ever gotten drunk, smoked, been in jail or arrested and all the other mechanisms, a majority of my peers do.

Hey man, I feel you absolutely and completely. I've never done drugs, never been drunk, never have drank in that matter, and I've gone through a bunch of crappy meds and counseling. But hell I'm only 16, why should I be doing these things? Why should people be doing these things at my age at all?? I say fresia them they should all just go and die. Especially those who think they're the **** kings and queens of this world and put us who do absolutely nothing wrong unlike those **** hypocrites. About the homicidal thoughts I can't begin to explain to you how many times I've come close to killing my own family and myself. I've actually waited with a knife in my hand by the door waiting for my Mom to come in to stab her to death. But then I freak out and run to my room and usually cry myself to sleep. I also threatened to kill my own brother right in his face when my dad was around all that got me was a slap in the face. And my dad. Hell I can't even remember how many times I've almost killed that *******. But wait a minute, I'm just a girl. How could I have such awful thoughts? I don't know. I just do. And the sad truth is I have no ******* idea how to get rid of it. I used to take my anger out on myself. Self mutulation because even though I wanted to kill everyone in this house I just can't bring myself to hurt them. But I don't doubt you if I snap you'll be seeing me on the news for murdering a few people.
For advice, All I can tell you is keep fighting. Literally. Keep boxing. Go to the Gym. Go to the gun range. Go skydiving. Be a daredevil and let your stress out through some extreme ways. I'm planning on going skydiving the moment I turn 18 and I can't wait. And I wish I could do boxing because the way you describe it makes it sound pretty fun. Just beating the living honeysuckle out of someone sounds like a great stress releaver to me. But like the sexist parents I have, I have no chance of doing something like that.
Anyways all I wanted to say is I'm with you and I support you and I check this web pretty often. Maybe every day or other. So if you want to message me just to get something of your chest feel free to because I would hate for you to actually kill someone or kill yourself because it's freaky. I know how it feels. The loneliness, the fear. It sucks so don't be sorry for something you can't control. Screw those who say "it's all on you" because sometimes it aint. Sometimes it's the things around us and we just get swept into that current and the current sucks. But you can't control currents you can only fight them.

 

[rdp234]

I've been there. You don't have to feel that way. Use that anger and channel it into something good. When it feels like the whole world is against you, you have to fight a little harder to feel good about yourself, but you don't have to give in to those thoughts. Fight those feelings. You don't have to feel bad all the time. It can be a creul world sometimes. It's that way for everyone. You're not alone. A lot of people feel that way. If someone tells you that you're not good enough, don't listen. Some people like bringing other people down. Don't let them., You are good enough. You are smart enough. You are worth it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Empowerment is in your hands. You do not have to feel this way. Take pride in who you are. You'll be okay.

---

Just remember and others have said this, it's a tough world and sometimes you have to be tough to survive. Like Johnny Cash said, "if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough". Adversity builds character. These things that you're feeling are not all bad. Use them in a good way. You have things inside that are beautiful. You can do anything. You're a lot tougher than you think.