A question from someone who struggles to trust

[Nyktimos]

I can't trust most women to be faithful (or men, but then I don't need to). I can't believe a person can treat sex casually when they are not involved with someone (in other words, when there seems no clear moral reason not to), but then switch it off and become sexually responsible, resisting all temptations, when they become involved. That is not how I see the human brain operating.

I would love to think that all of this is just my paranoia, and certainly a lot of it is, but it also fits with most of the people I know who have no concern about faithfulness beyond whether they are likely to get caught. Many would tell you they love their girlfriends/wives, but they still get their ends away at every opportunity. Many of the women I've known are the same, this being the 21st century. Those people don't concern me, though, as much as the ones who appear to be interested in being faithful, perhaps even believe they can be, but probably couldn't resist real temptation.

From the discussions I've read on ALL, it seems a far higher percentage of the people here are strict about their behaviour, and dismayed by the way their friends and peers act. My question is this; are we more likely to be lonely because we are looking for a partner we can trust, in a world where people can't be trusted? Are we too insecure to act like those around us, and so console ourselves with the belief we have a moral superiority? Am I imaginaing all of this, and it's just my paranoia and neuroses at fault?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well Nyktimos, You know my experience with the trust issues..
Let me backup a little bit maybe it might also help me heal.
My best freind messed my fiance.

Let me backup a little bit further.
As a child my mother left me after promising me that she wouldn't.
It kind of blew my fucken mind...
Not that it matter much..My father used to bash my fucken head against the fucken wall.

After the finace thing. I was fucken numb and wacked. I enlisted becuase that was the plan
my fiance and I made...I singed my name on the dotted line and committed myself.
There I was in the fucken military without my finace...
I remember in basic my drill sargent state.."honeysuckle, look in his eyes.. there's a man without any morals".
Being in the service help...I guess. I hang around a group of guys that cared about me.
We used to go out on the town and party with hawt, wild and slutty women almost every night.
Nope..I never thought I'd fall in love with any women I met in bars or wild I was partying.
It didn't heal my trust completely..But I learn how to make friendship with another male.

Then that day came when my ex-wf asked me out. She was so beautiful and nice...with sugar and spice.
I had to see it with my own eyes. I watch her rejected men but turn around and asked me out.
She could had have any guys she wanted. She had men eating out of her fingers.
Yet, she had to go and ask me out. It blew my fucken mind.

Her love healed me. I allowed myself to trust again. I open up myself.
I thought I died and went to heaven...I basically had the prettest women in the room
asked me out and just wants me to love and hold her. And bascailly love and hold me.
She went out of her way to do things for me. It blew my fucken mind.
I fell totally madly in love with her. I told her everything about me...threw all my cards on the table.
She loved me and married me...when she could had have anyone. She committed herself to me.
She was the love of my life.

Fast forward a couple of years...I fucken hated her so fucken much. Yet, I love her just the same.
We went through a very, very bitter divorce battle. I bascailly went on a drinking and partying binge
for 2 years... Trust ??? I trusted people about as far as I can throw them.

You can waTch " Leaving Las Vegas" it's pretty much represented my 2 years drinking bindge.
Yes..the hooker was hawt in real life too. It was some sort of weird crazy ass hope of trust
and caring for a person. I turst hookers more than I turst a house wife..lol

I actaully called her after 2 years after our deviorce. I counldn't get over her or over the situation.
It kind of blew my mind that she returned my call after 2 years and the honeysuckle we went through.

She actaully appolgized to me. Whatever it was that she did to hurt me.
She actaully told me that she still love me no matter what happens.
It ment a lot to me. It brought me peace and closure.
I didn't have an excuse to get messed up out of my mind, anymore.
I actaully got clean and sober within a couple of months after that phone call.
She's the only person in my life that's made amends to me...even to this day.
(mmmm...actaully, the hooker had to run a scam on me to get me into recovery..lmao)

So..whatever fucken honeysuckle I go through or recently went through with my ex-gf.
I always had my ex-wf to bounce off of..
No..my ex-wf wasn't perfect. But she cleaned her side of the street

Yeah...I kept hoping or expecting my ex-gf would at least be as decent as my ex-wf.
It hasnt happened...

But here's the thing about my ex-wf...She's not like other women...Not all women is like her.

Okay..here's the ironic twist and fucken morals....The hooker bascailly save my life.
She cared about me as a person...Well, it's sort of a werid way of removing SEX from the equation.
She bascailly try to get me sober from the moment I met her. For some reason she wanted to
save me and fixed me..even though her life was going down the fucken tubes...

mmmm...Having a relationship with a hooker and learning how to trust again...imagine that ?!?
Err..yeah..somewhere alone the line when you go shoping, hang out, or seen in public with a known hooker,
you kind da stop worring about what ever the fresia anybody else thinks...a sort of wierd of way of being SECURED.

which is totally fucken half ass backwards...
See..here's the thing. My ex-gf was a social worker.
She gose to church and walks around talking fucken GOD and LOVE all the fucken time.
Miss fucken holier than thou....fucken Snowwhite. (clean as white fucken snow.lmao)
She fucken cheated on me....She's yet to say anything to me about any of the wreackage she's caused in our lives.

But here's the thing...There's a black book with a lot of wisdom and morals....if you wanna take a quick look.
It's call the Bible...I'm not religious nor I attend chruch.
I do recall reading somewhere in there that Juses Chirst best friend was a Hooker..lmao.
It's in the section of judge and you won't be judge. When the entire village was getting readly to stone Marry to death.

I wouldn't worry so much or beat up on yourself..if you can't figure any of the honeysuckle out or have many, many doudts about life.
Even when JC was nailed to the fucken cross. until the very end he had his moment of doupts or lack of faith.
He bascailly said " father.... Y in the fresia have you forsaken me ????" before he LET GO.
If he had complete faith or TRUST...he wouldn't had asked that would he ?

JC represented perfection...yet he wasn't perfect even at the end.
Nope...I'm not perfect today..far from it.
Plaese give yourself a break....

 

[Nyktimos]

Reading your post, I'm starting to think my problem is that, apart from my father leaving my mother for another woman when I was a kid, I've never actually been cheated on (that I know of). I've never been through it, so it still terrifies me. Because of what my father did, I've placed too much weight on being able to trust someone in that way. In the end, perhaps it's not as important as I thought.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Reading your post, I'm starting to think my problem is that, apart from my father leaving my mother for another woman when I was a kid, I've never actually been cheated on (that I know of). I've never been through it, so it still terrifies me. Because of what my father did, I've placed too much weight on being able to trust someone in that way. In the end, perhaps it's not as important as I thought.

Maybe Nyktomos...

I had to go back an take look at how I grew up as a child.
How my mental or perceptions of life was formed during my
earliy development years. It plays a role in how I process life
and decision making.
Yes..the trust and abandent issues of when my mother left me
as a child effected me....
For some reason I'm attracted to women that's not totally
avaiable to me..or I push the ones that loves me away.

My ex-gf left me with a very, very familar feelings of
abandentment as I felt as a child.

Maybe at the sametime...you also don't want to hurt
your GF becuase you saw the effect it had on your mother
as a child when your father left your mother ???
A sort of guilt feeling?
As much as you might feel hurted...you don't want her (gf)
to have to suffered like your mother did?

Bascailly Jenni went through the samething as a child.
Her father left her...It effected how she formed her relationship with men.
Her self-esteem or value as a human. As beautiful as she was..She always thought she wasn't good enough.
Her father leaving her...left an imprint in her mind...She blamed herself or thought she wasn't good enough as a person...
There had to have been something wrong with her (that how she processed it).
It was very painful for her to share that with me...she was trying to turst again. It took years for Jenni to turst
me and revealed that part of her to me...she did it becuase she was sick and tired of carry the pains and couldn't
understand why I love and care for her so much.

She even tried to reach out to her father before she died. He still rejected her.
It ripped her apart...but as an adult she was able to process it in a new light. As painful as it was for her.
She knew it wasn't her fault and stopped blaming herself for what her father did.
She finally seperated her since of guilt from her father's actions....I hope that make sense.

 

[Nyktimos]

Maybe at the sametime...you also don't want to hurt
your GF becuase you saw the effect it had on your mother
as a child when your father left your mother ???
A sort of guilt feeling?
As much as you might feel hurted...you don't want her (gf)
to have to suffered like your mother did?

This had never even occurred to me. You may well be right.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

This had never even occurred to me. You may well be right.

I don't know Nyktimos...
May I suggest watching " The Kid"

It's kind of like that..the movie bascailly takes a guy back
through his childhood to see why he's life was sort of wacked
as an adult...even though on the surface it looked like he was
doing okay.

He bascailly had tursts issues and had a hell of a time
forming a relationship with women...even though a healthy
bautiful woman was right in front of him and many other
things that he was holding back..lol

It's kind of like doing a moral inventory of ourselves.
I had to write alot about my past...not live in it...but
just to see what the fresia went wrong and make corrections in my thinking process.

So I can't said...do this or do that. becuase your life experince is different then mind
and you process it different then I do...
But only suggest that you take a look at yourself or do an inventory of yourself.
It is you and you alone that can make those corrections within yourself.

That's why people say...the answers are inside of us. We hold the keys or answers to our lives
within ourselves.

He had to go back and see what is was that effected him or
the turning piont of his thinking process. There's layers of it,
but eventaully he got to the piont of when and where all
the guilt and shame setted into his mind.
But he also relived those moments in the eyes of an adult...in a different light.
It was a healing process for him. He learned how to trust again.
He learned how to trust in himself and life in general again.

An analogy would be.
If my compass was set a little bit off at the beging of my journey. Years later it'll be way..way off.lol
So I need to go back and make corrections.

In naviagtions. You have to constantly reset or adjust your compass anyways becuase the magnetic
pulse is different depending where you're at on the earth.
In othre words...if your 1000 miles from your departure piont...you still need to adjust your compass
or you'll still be off..lol

 

[cheaptrickfan]

My question is this; are we more likely to be lonely because we are looking for a partner we can trust, in a world where people can't be trusted?

I'd say "Yes," if it means that we are too hesitant to take the chance of throwing caution to the wind. I know that because of my past experience, I am more cautious now than I was in my 20s (not to mention bitter), and less likely to extend the benefit of the doubt to someone new.

Am I imaginaing all of this, and it's just my paranoia and neuroses at fault?

No, I'd say you're right on the money.

 

[Nyktimos]

Am I imaginaing all of this, and it's just my paranoia and neuroses at fault?

No, I'd say you're right on the money.

That's a pity. Neuroses and paranoia may be treatable. Being right is difficult to treat.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

That's a pity. Neuroses and paranoia may be treatable. Being right is difficult to treat.

Don't take my word as gospel though; I am admittedly neurotic and paranoid at times.

:/