A year has changed my life- but not the way I thought it would

[roses6]

Hi, this is my first my post here.

I moved to a new country for a 1 year course at a uni where I had dreamt of going to for a long, long time.
I had expected this to be one of the happiest years of my life-I remember at this time last year I had just arrived and was so incredibly happy- but it has turned out to be quite a difficult and hard time, made worse because I've been away from family.
Things have gone wrong, I just scraped though my programme. I was emotionally so low towards the past few months that I almost went back home before I took the exams.
Most of the problems have been due to reasons which are beyond my control, which just makes things worse. The worst have been the fact that a few people who I cared for deeply have died, and a couple of my closest friends have had to deal with unimaginable tragedies and grief, and that I have been so very ill during the year, partly due to complications from a surgery I had last year.
There have been other, less traumatic problems, like falling out with people who were once close to me, inability to make new friends, (apart from a couple of people), inability to find a job (my fault- I didn't do well in the exams), etc.
There are even more things that have happened, but I'm not going to go into them, because I believe what I have written is long enough as it is and clearly gives an idea of the state I'm in.
I'm still in the new place, planning to apply for jobs again this year, but I seem to have not even a bit of the motivation and drive that I had last year. Most days I can barely get out of bed. I have always had deep faith in God, and I suppose that is one thing that keeps me going ahead.
I cannot believe how much my life has changed in just a year. I used to feel sorry for myself but now I don't because a lot of people I know have gone through far worse than I have.
I won't say I'm lonely, but I feel unable to talk about the emotional pain I'm under these days. I've never been one to talk much about my issues, even with friends around, I've always preferred to be a loner, and honestly, I've found it easier to post this on here than speaking to someone about it.
I am aware that there isn't any help that anyone can offer on this, but if you've come this far, thanks for reading.

 

[roses6]

Hmm I'm surprised I posted that over the night but I guess it was a good idea. I was struggling with panic attacks over the past couple of months because things have been out of control. The next couple of days are very important for me but I just cannot focus at all.

 

[septicemia]

It sounds like you have some pretty bad depression! Have you sought professional help? I know its so easy to feel like there is no help or hope when feeling so low, and like there is no end in sight to the feelings, but there can be. Depression is such a self fulfilling prophecy too, its so easy to get stuck in it.

 

[Thrasymachus]

Well most people cannot talk to their friends about their problems in life so you have that in common with many others. It is because what a friend is, is merely someone who wants to waste time together with you before one of you dies, they are not to be counted on for financial or emotional support. So you, like me, and millions of other sad Westerners may even hang about people all the time, but instead of telling them what most troubles us, we know it is useless, that is not their role in our life. So we instead type on the internet to other nameless, faceless, nom-de-plumes, and sadly the advice from the anonymous is often superior to that of the so-called friends, though it lacks the compassion human presence can show and the opportunity to express as much emotion.

I frown on the last advice of the last message, don't seek "professional" help, the professionals tend to make people worse over the years, if you do get better under their care it is likely because you ignore their influence and their psychotropics. That is the problem with our society everyone thinks they can't do anything without the aid of professional certified by the university system, and such a belief itself presents us from making life changes. Try something like EFT, Psych-k, or meditation. You will also need at least one meaningful friend and a purpose in life. Good luck on the last two, they seem impossible for most people due to the priorities and social organization of society, necessitated after making money and economic growth the engine of the world.

 

[Guyonthelake]

Sorry to hear you've lost so much. I can relate to feeling sorry for myself and feeling bad because people around you have lost so much more. My brother and his wife lost their only two children 5 months apart. Prior to that I was really wallowing in self pity. Those two events made me realize I have so much to be thankful for. However that's a double edge sword you have to be careful with. I reached appoint where no matter what happened to me wasn't so bad because I hadn't lost as much as they had. It's okay to be down about things that we lose and disappointments we have in our own lives. Don't feel guilty for being down when you haven't lost as much. I kept a lot bottled up because of that. I've recently discovered that's a very bad habit to get into.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yeah...My life had totally change and I've gone through so so much this last year.
Im almost in the same situation as you are. Trying to have faith again and Im at
a kind of low at the moment..but there's been so much highs and lows.
Yes even some turamtic stuff. Everything kind da all just came at once then
one after another...series of bombshells and many changes.

At this time last year. I was actaully dating two chicks @ the sametime.
Not a care in the world really. i was working full time and just partrying.
I had just gotten into a major fight with my ex-wf. i was single so what the who.
Most of it center around my daughter Jordan and reuniting with her.

Then oneday my step daughter Kelsie called. I havnt heard from her for over 15 years.
Then I sent for her to move out to California. I kindda had to stop dating the two women.
Tracy was being understanding. She knew children are important.
So i spent most of my money, time and effort on Kelsie.
After coming out to CA. Kelsie got home sick and wish to return to Chicago.
It was devistating to me. But i couldnt force Kesie to stay if she was unhappy.
So I spent more money sending her back to Chicago and more money for her
to settle in.

I'm was kinnda hurted...but then my duaghter Jordan contacted me.
So Tracy and I started figthing even more.
I was trying to establish a relationship with Jordan.
Everything was fine..then one day she just disappear without giving me any reasons.
I know her mother had a falling out...So I IDK.

So after that Tracy was really into wanting me and her to get place together.
But we were figthing all the time...mainly becuase I was dragging my feet
in January. I was still kindda torn for not really being to connect with Kelsie
and Jordan. Kelsie would call me everyday just to let me know she's ok.
Chicago however is a very dangerous place to live for a young woman.

Then Renae got a hold of me in late January. At that time I didnt know
what to exept. I havnt heard from Renae for over 20 years.
Then she sends me a picture of our duagther Kimberly.
Kimberly was given up for adoptions at birth.
Total bombshell...
I didnt even know what to think or what to do
Then Renae and I reunite...Tracy was totally Pissed.

Then Renae and I moved to Nevada, I quite my fucken job in a messed up economy.
I broke up with Tracy to be with Reane...I basically gave up everything for her...
and our daughter was Kimberly was asking to meet me.

I didnt know if Kimberly was going to tell me to go to fucken hell or what.
She cired her heart out the first time I spoke to her.
Then Renae and I had a fallingout. Kimberly is devistated by everything
and all the crazy honeysuckle her mother had putted her through.
For once in Kimmie life she though she counld have her real parents again.
Kimmie had always felt alone all her life. A family ..her real fleah and blood family.

So I move back to CA in June. I was with Tracy for a week.
We went to AZ for a week. Tracy made plans to move back to Kentuky to reunite with her chikdren.

I also ran into Jennifer the first day I got back to CA.
So Jenmifer and I hitted right off the bat.
We live together...but I'm still all torn up with Renae.

Kimmie in the mean time is calling me every other day in July.
She wanted me to move to LA to be closer to her.
In the mean time my family connered my ass.
My mom told me that she would buy me a place to live if i decide to stay home.
I could had easily just do that....make a new beginning with Jennifer.
But Im all emotionally torn up becuase my daughter really really needed me.
Jennifer was devistated...she would try and try anything to make me happy.
Id try to hide it all from her but Jennifer knew. She would hear me weeping in the shower.
My family is fautrated with me becuase i couldnt give them answers they wanted to hear.
I would strommed out of the family meeting and go weep in my car.

Then Kimmie called me oneday. she told me again she really needed me to be there for her.
So i threw some of my stuff in my truck...mid Aug and move near LA.

So im here in a a big ass city...i dont know anyone. Im way out of my conofortzone.
I took a leap of faith and did what my duaghter had asked me to do.
It was very important that I do this, But Im also going out of my god
**** mind becuase i miss and love Renae lots.

So I ran into Juliet oneday..Im totally still off the wall with Reane.
Im playing with fire anyway..Juliet is totally hot.
ReNae is calling me while Im with Juliet...so what the hell.
Juliet open up herself to me...but it's like the song say...
Loneliness will find you in between the wrongs and the rights.
This will be the third woman I walked away from this year becuase of Renae.
The mear fact Juliet looks almost like Renae is not a total shock to me..it still blows my mind though.
I even post pics of juliet on here...and some people thought it was Renae.

So i met my daughrter in person for the first time a couple of weeks ago.
Ok...so Renae finally calls me a couple of weeks ago.
She say she's coming out to CA to be with us....but she's dragging her feet.
My daguhter is going crazy. Im going nutz...all emotionally torn up.
I cant consentrate. I stopped looking for work or havnt replied to the job offers.
My daghter in the mean time wants me to actaully go live with her.
Renae and I kinda had it out the other day.
She say she loves us both very very much, At the end of the month she'll be here.
But I dont believe a fucken thing she say and my daughter feels the same.
So thats why I kinnda went off her her the other day. but she called me
to chill me out..always..she cant or wont do it.
I dont even know if my daughter is totally done with all of this bullshit.
Kimmie is totally devistated and hurted by everything again. She open herself to her mother again
I feel the sameway. It's drving me nutz.
Im turning to god trying to have faith through all of this.
I feel like my family is falling apart at the seams again.
So Im just getting really to walk away from all of this.
Its making me depressed, hurted and all torn up...

Then my daughter ...after going into a deep depression...
She went MIA for almost a week.
Throws all of her cards on the table. Everything..everthing thats bothering her.
Then she posted a picture of her and I as her profile picture on her FB account
after she re open it.
And i know whats she's saying is dont leave her but i hanvt heard from her for days.
She reopen her FB account as i was driving out of LA...but my truck over heated. ( FATE)
Juliet is texting the entire time telling me not to leave.
Im at my sisters house in SP near the beach outside of LA.

I feel so much guilt for not being there for Kimmie all her life.
And Im trying to do everything to make that right for her...
But its like Im hitting a freaken brick wall everytime becuase her mother has a thick skull.
She say she loves us...she cries our duaghter. She cries for me...so WTF?????

 

[RJLJD]

struggle doesn't discriminate, and everyone's struggle is important and real. this is very important to remember. i've felt the same way about my problems as you do now.
and above all else, never lose faith.

 

[blackhole]

I have always had deep faith in God, and I suppose that is one thing that keeps me going ahead.

don't worry. somebody will be along shortly to help you with that.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ive struggle with the god things since Jenni died almost 4 yrs ago.
The manys why? why? why?
The anger I felt towards GOD.

To this day..I still dont have all the answers.


Maybe things happen for reasons.
Now more than ever Ive came to rely
on Gods grace for my family and me...
For Ive gone more than beyound..
No matter what good intentions or
everyhting I did and tried to do..all
fell apart. As a man My powers are limited..

Through my failures. And being fustrated or anger. I lashed out.
I destroy of what I though was left of anything that is important to me..

Its all gods blessing and loving grace that the woman I love so much and hurted still talks to me. More than that..Shes very much in love with me
and loves me.Shes forgiven me..

God did something for me..that I couldnt do for myself. Its a tangible thing I can see.. A miracle.

My duaghter is in Gods grace and hands.

Its also a corrolation of me getting closer to GOD.

 

[roses6]

I have always had deep faith in God, and I suppose that is one thing that keeps me going ahead.

don't worry. somebody will be along shortly to help you with that.

??