about incommunicability

[Peaches]

Don't know how many people can relate on this point, how many people have some things in their life or from their past that are not easily shared with others, such as, I don't know, child abuse, bullying, rape, mental issues, chronic illness, or just a special sensitivity, something that makes one feels always different and somewhat despicable.

I find it terribly hard when someone I don't know well wants to start a personal conversation, because I just don't know what to say that wouldn't put the other person in a position of major discomfort (yes, all of my ex boyfriends were jerks, criminals and mental patients, and I am not being negative; oh, therapy, yes, I went on and off for 8 years; by the way, I spent five years in a wheelchair, and I am still not ok, so that is why I cannot come rock climbing next week - so, what time is your party on saturday?), and now I understand why last year I ended up only hanging out with people who were really distant, so at least I didn't have the embarrassment of these kinds of moments.

If you have some dark past, or dark aspects of yourself, how do you manage to still connect with others, without having to disclose everything or sounding too vague, especially when they share something about themselves and they expect you to share back? And do you also feel like a freak with three heads by doing this?

 

[Ymir]

I'm on the same boat. Oh, well, yeah, I've self-harmed and been on therapy for about a year now. Yeah, I still feel like honeysuckle on a daily basis and I've been chronically ill for the last couple of years so that's why I can't go out to eat with ya. No, I can't spend a day out either because I've been on a low-cal diet for a year and will be barely able to stand after a while.

I actually don't have problems sharing those things but it sounds a lot like I'm feeling sorry for myself, when I don't. Not at all. But those things happened and they affect my life a little and eventually, if someone gets too close, they'll notice I have scars on my thighs, and I can't eat, and I have to go to the "doctor" every week so...

I try to talk about other things instead. My writing is a huge passion for me and I'll brag about it for anyone willing to hear, I'll talk about my internship and... You know, other stuff. I'll try and focus on the positive. There's other stuff going on for me and that's what people will hear about.

 

[jjessea]

I lie, I lie a lot. I just make sh*t up like it's some sort of game I'm playing. I ashamed of almost every aspect of who I really am, even the parts I privately feel are somewhat positive. It makes me sick that I do this so much, and it feels even worse that I've gotten so good at it. It's basically what I'm best at doing.

I adore people like you, but only from a distance. It seems like the candor most people employ is so effortless and so much a part of their lives that it doesn't even cross their mind to lie about most things. You're even afraid of talking to people for fear of your honest nature giving away your private shame and making you vulnerable to outside criticism and judgement. That blows my mind. You should at least be proud of your seemingly honest nature, though I'm sure your deceptive from time to time, I doubt it's an aspect of your day to day, minute by minute lifestyle.

A lot of us feel badly about who we are what we've done. The people we've done horrible things to, and the people we've let do horrible things to us. I could never bring myself to talk to someone about those things either, especially the latter. There's something about knowingly letting someone walk all over you because you're just so desperately lonely that feels so embarrassing, and shameful.

You may be better off than me in this, or you may be worse, but you're certainly not alone.

 

[LonelySutton]

Yes. When I was a kid I had to wear a backbrace. At one point it was considered socially a tragic thing. There was even a Judy Blume book called Deenie (sP? I think) where it was portrayed as the HORRIBLE thing it really was. In fact this brace is no longer used -- get this -- because the medical community has determined that it was too psychologically scarring to children. So you would think you would have something you could talk about and take pride in your victimhood. But somehow ... Hollywood decided that MY tragedy would be the thing they feel ok with making fun of. Every other movie lately since "sixteen candles" has the wacky brace girl. Where it is depicted as wacky funny. Um... no .. it wasn't. Just another tragedy of my life... that the one thing I have would be made fun of.

So consequently I can't tell people why I am in the way I am because -- they will think it is funny... or something that isn't that big of a deal.

I have a friend who constantly tells me of the tragedys of her life and how she didn't have it good... but I never mention what happened to me. Everyone at work wonders why I am such a loner and distrustful of people... and I can't get my 10 minutes of "aww poor thing" ... even my family can't seem to remember what I went through and seem to see no reason why I would be a loner or socially damaged.

It is actually AMAZING that I am as socially skilled as I am.. but no one will every appreciate it because it will never be mentioned.

 

[Tiina63]

I have a whole list of sensitive issues-serious illnesses, Aspergers, sexual abuse when I was a child etc. Choosing when to be open and about which of these issues all depends on who I am with and what sort of relationship I am hoping to find with them.
If I am chatting to someone who might become a friend, I would find it easier to be open early on than if I were with someone on a date, as typically people accept things in friends which they may find harder to accept in someone they hope to have a close relationship with(I would obviously tell the latter about these things but not right away, so as not to scare them off).
I am not working for health reasons, but in the past when I worked I was very careful what I said to anyone. My rule was not to say anything which I wouldn't have wanted the boss to know about.
When I go to social groups, I can be open about my illnesses but keep the sexual abuse to myself.

 

[ardour]

It's not often people share to that degree and expect the same in return, and I'm kind of wary of those who are that eager to early on. Obviously this is more common between women too. Having to explain who and what my father is, why I don't have any contact with him would make me extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully the need to do so hasn't arisen yet.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Not being able to share the truth behind behavior (etc.) is one of the most damaging things when trying to connect to people, I would say. When being in any kind of relationship, its likely for knowledge of other to deepen. Unfortunately, there are things some people (meaning us) dont want to share, dont want to tell. Of course, I´m like this as well. As I havent shared even here, I dont expect to do so it in a offline world.
And thats the thing, things can not deepen, as one cannot talk, and does not want to be asked. In my case, I´m kinda afraid when my friends will start asking about me not having a girlfriend, and why dont I have one. Unlike one of the posters above, I have kinda problem lying. I dont like it. Fortunately, I have my way with words, but it still wont save it all.
Because of me being afraid of this, I dont see people that often, meaning friends.

 

[Case]

This is a short glimpse of the other side of the coin, for what it's worth.

I am the guy that some women have chosen to tell about their "forbidden past." The reason for this (I can only guess) is that I listen and I don't judge them. It's never something I coax out of them, either. Maybe I have a kind face, or a trusting soul. Whatever the reason, I have listened to some of the most painful stories that humans can endure.

My only job in this situation is to have total compassion and zero judgment, but above all, to be a friend. I usually offer a long hug, a stroke of the hair, a kind and soothing word, and a drying of tears.

In a way, I not only take on the role of a friend, but I must also have the "calm" of a therapist. When a woman tells me her "secrets," it's an honor to be trusted with such sensitive topics in her life, so I feel a responsibility to make her feel better and to react with love and understanding.

I'm not sure if this belongs here, but I just wanted to express a semi-regular part of my life.

 

[user 115627]

Back in the days when I was still compassionate, there were a handful of people that trusted me with this kind of "forbidden past" as well. Since I had a storybook-childhood and youth mostly, I rarely had a story to tell in return. Which was not that important though. To this day I don't understand why people trusted me with these things in the first place for there were surely a handful of other individuals in their social circle with a lot more compassion and understanding. For I was just a quiet acquaintance for the most part.

At one point I simply guessed that people shared stories with me because they knew I wouldn't retell them because there was no one I could tell them to. Ironically, the same people that trusted me with their past were the origin for my own forbidden past and personal abyss.

 

[thenameIwanthasgone]

I used to listen to my friends' troubles and they even said they liked me because I was a good listener. Does anyone want to play the word games here. I've done the last letter game and the word association game.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Hmm, as you guys talk about being the listeners, I may as well chip in a bit.
I´m a listener too. But unlike most of you, people dont come to me, but the other way around. For some reason, I have a way of hearing things that are unsaid, and asking the right questions. Because of that, I often get to listen to many of the dark secrets of ones soul or past. I often come with conclusions that I deducted without one telling me, and then (usually) she is like "how do you know that?!".
As I said, I have this "gift" of making people talk. For me at least, is of great joy (if I may use that word), as I, for some reason, have a deep interest in the troubles of others and their fears. I like to look deep into ones soul.
But it aint that easy. With listening, there comes a responsibility. When one tells you something, its natural that the said person will be attached to you a bit more. And like that, people are getting attached to one. And as that happens, its a shock for them for me not be there constantly, as I unfortunately lose interest in someone when I understand him/her already, when there is nothing more to know. And thats a problem.
When one is attached, and is attached to someone "not interested", they may shut down when realizing it. When they see the person who they gave so much is not reciprocating their feeling or passion, they may stop giving away things like they did with me. And because of that, they may "shut". Giving away secrets is always something that makes one more open towards attachment.
And thats it. I have to constantly hold myself back not to ask those questions, no matter how much interested I am in the answer. I dont always succeed in doing so, and time to time, I hear some more of what I seek.

I got terribly far from the topic, I´m sorry:/

 

[thenameIwanthasgone]

Hmm, as you guys talk about being the listeners, I may as well chip in a bit.
I´m a listener too. But unlike most of you, people dont come to me, but the other way around. For some reason, I have a way of hearing things that are unsaid, and asking the right questions. Because of that, I often get to listen to many of the dark secrets of ones soul or past. I often come with conclusions that I deducted without one telling me, and then (usually) she is like "how do you know that?!".
As I said, I have this "gift" of making people talk. For me at least, is of great joy (if I may use that word), as I, for some reason, have a deep interest in the troubles of others and their fears. I like to look deep into ones soul.
But it aint that easy. With listening, there comes a responsibility. When one tells you something, its natural that the said person will be attached to you a bit more. And like that, people are getting attached to one. And as that happens, its a shock for them for me not be there constantly, as I unfortunately lose interest in someone when I understand him/her already, when there is nothing more to know. And thats a problem.
When one is attached, and is attached to someone "not interested", they may shut down when realizing it. When they see the person who they gave so much is not reciprocating their feeling or passion, they may stop giving away things like they did with me. And because of that, they may "shut". Giving away secrets is always something that makes one more open towards attachment.
And thats it. I have to constantly hold myself back not to ask those questions, no matter how much interested I am in the answer. I dont always succeed in doing so, and time to time, I hear some more of what I seek.

I got terribly far from the topic, I´m sorry:/

Yeah, I was the listener. But that was in the past, long ago. I'm deaf now so let's talk in writing. Thanks to all you lonely people.
Editing with : Good night all the lonely people. Good night. Logging out. Snobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Gravely]

I've always been kind of quiet around people I don't know that well, but right now I'm living in a unique sort of homeless shelter. I've seen guys come and go, but mostly the director likes to bring guys in that won't just suddenly go binge on drugs. But needless to say, there are guys who come to interview that are pretty messed up individuals despite the ones who stay being sane. You have to watch what you say here, and you choose carefully who you tell reveal information to. Only the director knows my last name, only some know where I'm from. Most know I've done time and what for, but they don't know where. No one knows where my family lives.

This is an uncommon environment, but it's necessary to be a little bit paranoid in it. People will use it against you if they can-- you have no idea what kind of honeysuckle people have done, or who you're sitting next to. All you can do is tell stories, use fake names, and speak in vagaries the rest of the time.

With normal people at work and the like, I'm a lot less reserved, but I'm not going to get into the really dark honeysuckle unless I've known someone for awhile.