about me..??

[bonnie84]

after i joined here .. i have hesitated to write something on this forum for

some reasons.


first.. maybe u all will find out my broken english.

im sure will make many misunderstood, mistakes.

also hard to express my thoughts in english.


although there are such difficulties, i chose this forum.

cuz ... hmm.. i think i have some fears to talk something about me with

same Koreans...

anyway, i dont think it is important thing.

i like to stay on here.. i hope to be friends with this people...



second thing is... i couldnt find where could i start to say...

which categories, about what, how...



im still afraid to write something, write in english..

but i make my mind to try to write....




well...

how can i start to talk... about what..


i think.. i live in happy now.

good family.. my hubby.. son...




honestly, i was not good person when i was more young.

maybe i was one of bad teenager who elder used to say.

didnt study hard.. used to be be absent without leave...

met boys.. back home late... used to defy my parents

drink.. smoke... i did everything which forbidden...

(im so sorry my mom...T.T)

i remember my father was very conservative person.

but i dont want to blame him now.

i know it was his own way to love me now.


but.. in those days, i didnt know.. i hated him.. i didnt like to go home early.

there was so many reason to do.. but i guess i dont need to write all of them..



maybe i brought it on myself.

i raped by some boys who i used to met..

after that days, they used to rape me again and again for some month.


i dont know how i thoughts..

i couldnt tell it someone.. even i couldnt leave them..

if i left them, i thought i didnt have anyone...


i know it was so stupid thoughts now.

i was such stupid person.


since that time... i met pretty many boys and men..

who just wanted my body for long time.


i thought i was broken anyway..

i didnt care who they are..


cuz when i was alone in my room, i felt i was crazy.. so small...


i didnt know how to make real relations...with others.

i broke every chance to make my life more good.


always i needed someone.. who could make me feel not alone.


but... there were no one who thought me friend or human..

i didnt care of it.. cuz i could be with someone.



i coudlnt go univ.

i couldnt get good job.


after i became adult, worked part timer at day time,

when night time i looked for someone who could stay with me.

it was not much difficult thing..



since when, i liked to leave such life.

but.. it was not easy to leave.

i addicted such life already.. for some years...



but one day.. when i worked i met one man.

i worked at convenience store.

he was customer.



i can remember his warm eyes..and soft smile still..

i never forget it.




aww.. almost 1 hour 40 mins ..i spent for this thread.


as i told... really hard to write in english..



i will write the rest again on this thread tomorrow.

cuz too late time here.


sorry about poor thread.

 

[Ioann]

Do not worry. I find you perfectly easy to understand. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helps.

That is a dreadful thing that happened to you when you were younger. It is not surprising that you have been hurt by it. It is good that you now have a settled life with husband and family.

 

[kamya]

Your english is broken but its still easily readable. Don't worry about it too much it's fine.

I'm sorry you went through those things.

 

[Jently]

You write very well in a foreign language and i'm sure none of us could write anything in Korean.
Your life before you were married wasn't happy was it, but you were searching for a way to feel loved I think and I know many girls have done the same.
I'm so pleased that you are happily married now with your darling child and I look forward to reading some more of your story soon.
You are very brave to write it all here............much braver than I could ever be.

 

[bonnie84]

ok.. new sun rose some hours ago.


i didnt sleep well last night.

although i cant say i forget all things, i didnt have thought those thing for a long time.

it was not good to recall past days..


i think.. i have changed about many parts..

when i watch me of past days, i used to feel strange as like to watch different person.


ok.. too long idle talk



maybe u all can guess who is he..

yes.. he is my hubby now.


after the first day we met, i never forget such smile...

he used to come to buy some foods.. almost same time.

i used to wait he came...


after i met him.. although as just customer and cashier, i stopped a promiscuous life..

maybe i guess it was my first change...


i cant say he was so handsome..lol..

but, when he came ..when he opened the door..

i always wonder how he could have such bright smile.. as someone who have no worries..


looking back on it now, it was stupid thoughts, but i thought he was so rich and so he could live without worries..

lol.. no..he didnt... he is just normal person... who live normal..

try to work hard, try to keep the life, make plan of life... as like every normal people..


only i couldnt understand such life...


during some month.. honestly.. i expected he asked me my number everyday.. as like men of nights..

but he didnt.. and i was disappointed... yes.. i liked him already..


in bar.. in club.. it was not difficult to seduce men..cuz always they came to me first..


i didnt know normal way to close with person...

so i didnt do anything..

that day.. i thought i needed to change.. but i didnt know the way to change..

i liked to smile as like him.. and i wanted to know how..


first time in my life... i started to watche people in day lights... lovers.. someone who running or walking on streets..

they all seemed busy for something.. and they seemed to have purpose of life...


only small dark my room.. small work place.. and drunken people... and cheap hotel room..

those were only my world..

but i started to see another world on my eyes...


i went to hospital.. visited department of psychiatry..

and first time.. i told about me to other person..

i remember he suggested two things..


i didnt need to take medicine.. but, i needed to visit psychology consultation,

and he suggested i needed to workout...


and i did those.


i enrolled at the gym near my room immediately

and next day i visited counselor who doctor said.


funnily, i addicted at gym instead of night life.... b4 i got pregnant

i try to go gym 2~3 day per week even now ^^.


i think i told different thing suddenly... i hope u all understadn it ..^^;;



one day when he came store, i told him welcome.

I finally realized i never say hello to him first..


after marriage, he told me he thought i was so unfriendly..lol

so he told me when i told him hello, he was suprised..


anyway.. after that day.. we could talk sometimes .. not only "how much?" "1500~ 2000~ bla bla~" but also

something normal conversations..


when i asked his number first... he was smile .. and gave his number..


so that..he became my first friend..

and he became my hubby...


although i couldnt tell my all things to him... i tried to tell about me as mush as i could..

my past days...


i have learnt many things from him..

argue with right ways... happiness of daily life..


but.. im still afraid of something...

i never tell him lie.. but..i didnt tell all things to him..


it is alwasy on me as like heavy burden..




maybe u all knows.. we have some period..in blue mood as like depress.

in that days... i liked to erase my all past..


but.. now.. i know i live better and better.. today and tomorrow.. with my family..




well... i think time to end of this poor thread.

although i liked to make good thread, i think i fail.. lol..


i need to study english more hard..

for 2 years, i have studied in cyber college.

my subject is psychology.

but.. lol.. i think im not good with study still..





lastly...

i liked to tell u all...

there is no meaningless life... even someone like me could and can live...

i didnt write this thread for sympathy..


just.. i like to tell about me..

and want to be ur friends...

and wish to give "hope"...


i have no friends.. i didnt have chance to make friends except hubby..as i told..

it's hard to make friends after over 20's...

but now.. i have some relastionship with other moms..and some gym friends..

maybe someday.. i can call some of them as my good friends...



life can be change...

but.. we need to try...



thank u to read this terrible thread and english...

 

[kamya]

I like your story. I like people that are genuine. People that try to change their life for the better.

 

[Lola91]

Wow your story is so real and I felt a lot while reading it. Thank you for taking the time to write it out. I understood you completely and even more so in my heart.
I'm happy things are better for you now and I hope they continue to get better. You had the courage to talk to your husband and ask for his number and it paid off. I really enjoyed that and it was very well written. Please don't feel like you can't speak or write English well because you can. I hope to see you post more around here

 

[sanguineRose]

Hey, Your thread is not boring at all. Its good that you did not keep that to yourself and let it out. It shows how honest you are about your feelings.

 

[Nuzzy Nuz]

*Super duper HUGS* don't worry.. I hope you find comfort in this forum.. I feel really pleased that you trusted yourself enough to post your life.. I am proud that you were honest over everything..
If you want to make a change all you have to do is be a change.. You have tried your best with being a change... Things will turn good for you with time... *hugs* don't worry.. we r here for you..

 

[Frodothelost]

you have past to learn and you still have left a long life ahead , learn and apply for future and sorry about that past and teenage moments always sucks. just forget what you did. try to love your hubby more than you ever could and try to get rid of your past.

 

[jd7]

Wow, what a story! I could understand you. Don't worry about your broken English. It's fine! Nice to meet you.

 

[Jently]

You have made a big impression here and I have loved reading your story.
You have also given us an important lesson about change - it's down to us!

 

[Peaches]

this is a lovely story

as you found a husband you will also find friends

 

[PenDragon]

As everyone has said already, Don't worry about your English, it's fine. and don't hesitate to share more and I'm sure you will find some good friends here.