Advice

[Pandapanda]

I've been having this endless turmoil running through my head lately, and I would like to hear some advice. This is going to run a little long, but please even if you read bits--I'm looking for any insight.

June last year I moved up from Georgia. Before I moved, I was working as a temp in a low paying night job. I essentially made outbound calls to customers about a benefits program (which I won't go into explaining because it's really not interesting). Anyways, I started working there when I was 24 and throughout that time many of the full-time employees treated me as if I were expendable. For nearly a year I garnered very little respect. That job was quite difficult for me to get and it truly did hurt that the people who hired me expected so little of me. At the time my sister was earning her M.S. at a prestigious engineering school and anytime I'd mention her and her accomplishments people would naturally compare the two of us. Let me say, I love my sister she's probably my truest friend. And this isn't really about her.

Then my sister got a well-paying position to move to Norwalk, CT and work for a renowned company. She asked me to move with her, and I knew that going would mean I would start anew with no job and no offers. I saved for the second half of the year I worked with the company in Atlanta and moved to CT.

When I got to CT I began temping (again) and because I was feeling insecure about that, I wore my sister's hoodie from her engineering school. During that time, I became a regular at a bar where I would go and read on Wednesday evenings and over time I had developed a crush on a waiter that works there. He made advances at me a few times and each time I would push him away. The bar was mid-upscale and I was afraid if he knew the truth he would not like me. Mind you I never said I went to the school because I was too afraid to have a real personal conversation with him. The worst part is he's one of the rare people I've ever felt "connected" to (The only person in fact.).

So, for a few weeks I didn't see him working there and I began to panic. I would keep going to the bar different days of the week, hoping to see him again--to no avail. A month passed and I had given up and stopped looking and started frequenting different places. Until finally last week, on my way back from eating, there he stood on the sidewalk right in front of me! He said "Hi, How's it going?" and the only thing I could think to do was to tell him the truth about everything. I told him I went to a state school, I graduated with a liberal arts degree, I was working as a temp, and I would be leaving in July.

I felt relieved being honest, but I'm not sure about his reaction. He didn't say much, but his facial expressions seemed to read mistrust. We exchanged some very curt chit chat and then he told me "I hope you come see us again before you leave." It felt very cold, and I know I misled him about the school I went to, but is what I did so wrong that I wouldn't be deserving of forgiveness especially after I told him the truth about everything? I just didn't want him to judge me like people have in the past. Even though I know, by feeling that way I was making a judgment about him.

And that was the last time I saw him. I feel sick inside and like I squandered the closest opportunity for a real relationship I've ever had.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Okiedokes]

So you were hiding info from him about your schooling? Well I don't think that's so terrible.. especially since where you go to school shouldn't matter when a person likes you. They should like you for you and that's that. If they care that much about things such as that then it wasn't worth it. I guess in a way it was a mistake to hide that info and you may as well tell people regardless of judgement cause it will be known later on. (unless of course he never asked about your hoodie.. he just assumed huh? not your fault) I understand what you are saying though, with not wanting to be judged but everybody does (about anything) and all that should matter is what you think of you.

 

[Pandapanda]

So you were hiding info from him about your schooling? Well I don't think that's so terrible.. especially since where you go to school shouldn't matter when a person likes you. They should like you for you and that's that. If they care that much about things such as that then it wasn't worth it. I guess in a way it was a mistake to hide that info and you may as well tell people regardless of judgement cause it will be known later on. (unless of course he never asked about your hoodie.. he just assumed huh? not your fault) I understand what you are saying though, with not wanting to be judged but everybody does (about anything) and all that should matter is what you think of you.

Thank you for your reply Okiedokes. It probably sounds so silly and trivial, but the way he reacted just made me feel disgusted with myself. And I don't mean to sound melodramatic. It was like he wanted nothing to do with me. I want to show up at the restaurant, but I don't know if that's what he really wants. I don't know if I should.

 

[Okiedokes]

So you were hiding info from him about your schooling? Well I don't think that's so terrible.. especially since where you go to school shouldn't matter when a person likes you. They should like you for you and that's that. If they care that much about things such as that then it wasn't worth it. I guess in a way it was a mistake to hide that info and you may as well tell people regardless of judgement cause it will be known later on. (unless of course he never asked about your hoodie.. he just assumed huh? not your fault) I understand what you are saying though, with not wanting to be judged but everybody does (about anything) and all that should matter is what you think of you.

Thank you for your reply Okiedokes. It probably sounds so silly and trivial, but the way he reacted just made me feel disgusted with myself. And I don't mean to sound melodramatic. It was like he wanted nothing to do with me. I want to show up at the restaurant, but I don't know if that's what he really wants. I don't know if I should.

You're welcome. You could go down and see him and explain things out for him and sorry you didn't tell him sooner. You said that you are leaving in July...how far away? It would make you feel better either way, even if things didn't work out between you two, to explain it to him if you know it really did bother him. I mean, I guess there's a couple reasons he could have gotten upset. Like about the college or that you are leaving or both.

 

[Barbaloot]

If he did judge you negatively for the truth about who you are and what school you went to, that says a lot more about him than it does you. And if he did, it's better to stay far away from people like that, they are simply not worth your time. It was his assumptions that led him to believe anything else, you didn't lie to him. But, like Okie said, maybe it's worth another conversation to at least see what his issue was. It is possible that it could be due to you leaving rather than the sweatshirt you were wearing... but it's difficult to judge.

 

[Pandapanda]

If he did judge you negatively for the truth about who you are and what school you went to, that says a lot more about him than it does you. And if he did, it's better to stay far away from people like that, they are simply not worth your time. It was his assumptions that led him to believe anything else, you didn't lie to him. But, like Okie said, maybe it's worth another conversation to at least see what his issue was. It is possible that it could be due to you leaving rather than the sweatshirt you were wearing... but it's difficult to judge.

Thank you for your perspective Barbaloot. That's a good point. Personally, if the roles had been reversed, I'd forgive him. I'd forgive him because I can understand why he'd do something like that. He told me the truth, what else is there to be so indignant about? I'm all about giving honest people second chances. But apparently, that's just me.

I'd like to imagine he's upset that I'm leaving, but he's a giant social butterfly. Every time I've seen him he's surrounded with friends. I doubt he'd miss me much. I'm actually going out with my sister tonight . I'm hoping to meet some new people (preferably men) so I can forget this guy. It's just so difficult because, from what I do know about him, we're so very similar. Meeting new people means having to start over again on the search of people like you. I still blame myself a little bit. I should have just said something earlier instead of waiting until I'm nearly out of time.

 

[Barbaloot]

If he did judge you negatively for the truth about who you are and what school you went to, that says a lot more about him than it does you. And if he did, it's better to stay far away from people like that, they are simply not worth your time. It was his assumptions that led him to believe anything else, you didn't lie to him. But, like Okie said, maybe it's worth another conversation to at least see what his issue was. It is possible that it could be due to you leaving rather than the sweatshirt you were wearing... but it's difficult to judge.

Thank you for your perspective Barbaloot. That's a good point. Personally, if the roles had been reversed, I'd forgive him. I'd forgive him because I can understand why he'd do something like that. He told me the truth, what else is there to be so indignant about? I'm all about giving honest people second chances. But apparently, that's just me.

I'd like to imagine he's upset that I'm leaving, but he's a giant social butterfly. Every time I've seen him he's surrounded with friends. I doubt he'd miss me much. I'm actually going out with my sister tonight . I'm hoping to meet some new people (preferably men) so I can forget this guy. It's just so difficult because, from what I do know about him, we're so very similar. Meeting new people means having to start over again on the search of people like you. I still blame myself a little bit. I should have just said something earlier instead of waiting until I'm nearly out of time.

Sometimes people can surprise you, who knows, maybe he felt a connection too. But then if he is a jerk, it's better you found out now than later. Hopefully you enjoy your time out with your sister, there are certainly less troublesome and perplexing men out there.