am I defective?

[heretostay]

Im married. but i feel like i might as well be single. its so depressing. right now he's off with his friends playing video games and going to the movies. while i just sit here. ya, i could have gone with him. but he's also hanging out with his brother and his brother is a total jerk to me. So i just sit here. I guess i thought when one was married it meant not being alone anymore. not the case.

im trying not to feel sorry for myself. afterall, its not healthy for him to sit here with me all the time either. he needs to do things away from me. maybe im just jealous. i dont have any friends. i gave them up when i moved states with him. and most of my friends were guys anyway.

i dont make friends easily. the friends i had before getting married were guys. i thought it was fun being single. i could date a lot. there was excitement in my life. but now, i just have my husband who doenst really like doing the things i like to do. and i dont even have the option of going out with another guy anymore. this is just not how i thought it would be.

when he comes home im not going to want to talk to him. i'll be angry at him when really its not his fault that im lonely. but thats logistics speaking. i really do feel like its his fault that im lonely. i wasnt like this before i met him.

any advice would be appreciated. i jsut dont know how to handle feeling so lonely while he goes off with friends all the time. i thought this would be a good place to get advice b/c i know other people would tell me to just go get my own life. but even when i am around other people i still feel lonely. maybe im just defective?

 

[SophiaGrace]

you arent defective (((((((((hug)))))))))) maybe you should go out with some girlfriends

 

[bookbinder]

did you do any test driving before you married him? I dunno, but from the looks of things, it seems some slick salesman sold you a clunker with a little sawdust sprinkled in.

 

[LonelyDragon]

You're in a similar boat as me. I moved to ND to be with her and gave up everything. I'm just now after 3 years getting back on my feet financially, but most everything goes to help with the house bills and such. We haven't gotten married and the way things look, even if we stay together may not ever. But I still haven't made any friends here. She's tried introducing me to some of hers. And to some extent that was ok. But I don't really have anything in common with them and over this last year they have proven that they are loyal to her to the point that they will help her hide things from me and I don't even know if I can trust them. Besides, they are the type that show just how friendly they can be when they need their cars worked on.

What types of things do you like to do? Are there any groups that you could join up with? Something that would get you around people with similar interests?

 

[SilentThinker]

We can be with a group of friends and we can still feel lonely.

Of course,you are not defective.We all have our moments of loneliness but it is how we approached it that matters.
To stay in that loneliness or get out of it.

 

[heretostay]

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate the support.

I did do a test drive with him. it didnt really help, obviously. lol i lived with him prior to getting married and all.

I feel for ya dragon. its so lonely moving away from everything you are comfortable with, espeically thinking you are moving with someone that will be there for you, only to realize you are just flat out alone and you have to start all over.

i dont get along with any of his friends. and i dont really enjoying any of the things he does. before he used to do things i liked, but now, its like pulling teeth. so i dont bother.

ive never socialized before without flirting and dating. it might sound odd but i really dont know how to relate any other way, which is what makes me think im defective or something. i can think of only two girls i was friends with, and it didnt last very long. of course socializing that way doesnt work very well if one wants an honest marriage. so i feel stuck. going back to school has helped. i can be around people, study, interact some, and get my mind off all this. im on break right now, so ive just been sitting up at night tring to keep my depression to a minimum.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yeah..I know what you mean.
Sometimes I actaully get tired of hanging with the boys. Especailly
if they weere still single..becuase all I hear about is T and A....and
maybe toys or sports...and getting drunk and what not.

I actaully get a lone with women better becuase I can actaully
talk to women about many other aspects or subject.
Sometimes it's boaderline flirting, thou I try to keep it plutonic.
Somtimes it's also at an intimate level (not sexaul)...becuase I
actaully have more in common with my female friends and can
talk to them about anything. (heart to heart communication)
It drove my ex-gf crazy becuase obviously there jealousy involved.

Having a full time job helps alot...becuase I'm not always at home
stairing at the walls...plus i felt like I was moving forward in my career.

I also join an R/C club becuase it's all men ..I was willing to make
adjustments. Not hangning out at the bars on weekends and talking
about T and A....but we talked about our toys. It also gave me a
a healty hobbie. Plus i also made more male friends that's not single.
I also played my guitar and wrote music...I love playing music.

Even thou we have been living together for a while...We also
continue to date each other...to keep the romance alive.
I'd date her at least three times a week. We had gift exchange
every thursday...Nothing major, I'd buy her flowers, caddi, cards
or something of sentimental values. Sometimes she'll just send
ballons to my work...lol It went well for years...I tried to be
spontanous and surprize her with a weekend get away or
take her to a different resteruant...ect Shuffle the dates.
I did really love her...the key was to remain in love with her
after the honey moon stage was over.

I try to keep balance between Love, work and play as best I could.
For the most part...that's when our relationship was most heathy.

My ex-gf...had a great job .She struggled with PLAY and FREINDS.
I didn't recalled her having any female friends.
She nevered went back to singing or got involved with the chorus
or plays. She has the beautiful voice and is a very good singer.
Singing was also something she LOVES...she sang before boys or me
ever came into her life.
I tried to convince her...very, very hard...that she needed her
own life and freinds in order for our relationship to remain healthy.
I never wish for her life to be centered around me or waited for me to
come home...I just wanted to love her and share my life with her.

I went through it once before with my ex-wf...after we got married.
She quit her job and stopped attending school. Stairing at the 4 walls
drove her crazy as she waited for me to come home everyday.
She bascailly was living in isolation.

Maybe you can sit down and have a heart to heart talk with
your husband and talk/communicate to him about what's bothering you.

maybe you can join a club ..take baby steps away from isolation.
Maybe do a little bit of soul serching...or do something that you enjoy
doing as a child...the dream that you had as a child.
Follow your dreams perhaps you might make frineds on the way.
I also wanted to fly R/C planes as a boy.

 

[samba101]

Yes I know what you mean about feeling "defective" I felt that for years when I was with my ex partner, he made friends no sweat and had friends to do things with mainly go out for drinks.

It's hard there's no places for single and married people to meet up for dinner or coffee I'm looking into it but it seems like a really hard thing to start when you don't know where to look. And as a business where would your income come from after memberships? I don't know but I know we need something like this there's oodles of people out there dying to meet others.

 

[bish33]

Defective is the last thing you are. You are right when you say he should have his own life apart from you. You should have your own as well. Being stuck in your home all the time while he is out enjoying life isn't fun. I have been there. At some point you will have to just say to hell with it and go out and do something for yourself. Most likely since its a change from what you have always done, he will probably get mad. If he loves you, he will sit back and understand why you need to do it. His friends do they have wives/girlfriends? Contact them, see if you have anything in common with them.

 

[Ithought]

I can’t tell from small information.
What I am thinking is he might feel the same way how you feel.
Even he play with his friends he might do that to fill his emotional empty.
If he is not well …@%%^%$^&@*@^%$
So I think you need to talk.
Measure that he feels the same way.
You both want to change you can re-start and try.

That is not only your problem.
You are not defective.

 

[heretostay]

thank you for sharing your experiences. it helps to hear your stories.

At some point you will have to just say to hell with it and go out and do something for yourself.

i totally agree. i am working on it. ive started back to school and i think im going to join a church or something. its the only place i can conceive of a good environment to meet people. he doenst like it. he knows my nature and is worried i will cheat on him. his fears are completely justified. socializing was only fun b/c i could date. i've really missed that part of my life. i thought i woudl have that kind of fun with my H, and more. but turns out its just a crap load of work.

I can’t tell from small information.
What I am thinking is he might feel the same way how you feel.
Even he play with his friends he might do that to fill his emotional empty.
If he is not well …@%%^%$^&@*@^%$
So I think you need to talk.
Measure that he feels the same way.
You both want to change you can re-start and try.

That is not only your problem.
You are not defective.

boy you sure nailed it. he does feel the same way. thats why talking about it doesnt make a lot of sense. i dont know if we're just supposed to settle for the fact that what we thought was love is really codependency and we're both just going to feel lonely. its really very odd and ive never talked about all this before so i really appreciate being able to get my thoughts out and getting some perspective on what in the world is going on.

 

[Twingle]

lol no .. you are NOT defective, but I see a defective marriage about to take place though, if something isn't done soon.

Have you talked to him about this, in a nice .. if not even a sorrowful manner?
If not, you really should.
If yes, and he doesn't seem to care or hasn't tried to make some changes, then maybe you either need to seek some marriage counceling, or some "alone" time away from each other to see how much you guys actually miss (need) each others company.

Married couples should need each other, otherwise .. why get would you take the time, effort, and money to married, yanno?

Also, you can also fill your "down" time doing other things. Since I've turned 30 I don't go out near as often as I did 5 years ago, and I've really had to adjust myself accordingly. At one point I really thought I was going to go stir-crazy lol.

Do you play games (like console or online)? And I don't mean shoot-em up games, or kiddie games .. I mean like word games, cards, pool, and the like? Yahoo is actually a great place for that. Plus all the rooms you play in have a chat room .. so you can jump in and join the random conversations going on as well if you want. people aren't snobby usually .. they know it's just a bunch of random, bored people joining in.

It's actually quite entertaining, and until it gets around 5am (I also have insomnia btw lol) it's never slow. There is always someone to play with and/or talk to. I'm not gonna say there aren't some freaks on there though, but all youhave to do is click the [x] and they are gone and you move on to the next person.

Time usually fly's by once I get started lol.

Now that being said, if you are miserable in your marriage and your current situation, and talking to him doesn't or hasn't helped .. it's probabaly better if you seek some counceling .. whether with OR without him. Don't waste your life away on someone that isn't actually in YOUR life, yanno.

 

[Hope_Reigns]

I know how you feel, you aren't defective..My now ex :/ started going out all the time with friends, and he's mr social butterfly, everyone loves him he makes friends without even having to make an effort, they just flock to him. I however don't, and I would sit alone, missing him, or missing human contact all the time.. not wanting to take away his fun, but feeling invisible and incredibly alone. Just like you I cut off most of my friends because they were all guys. Platonic male friend... well I don't really know what that is. There was always flirting even if I made sure nothing ever happened. Every female I've tried to be friends with has either used me to get close to a guy that I care about, or somehow turned on me when I no longer served her purpose, so I tend to avoid them. So I end up with guys who want me, or end up wanting me, or girls I have to watch my back around.

I can't go out but once a month, no transportation except a cab and I try and avoid overspending. Online is my best option.

Anyways, I agree, the best things you can do is do things to fulfill yourself.. clubs, friends, hobbies.. it'll also give you more to share within your relationship (forgive the rambling part)

 

[heretostay]

Have you talked to him about this, in a nice .. if not even a sorrowful manner?

We have talked about it. i think i was so obsessed with my needs being met that i didnt realize until very recently that he is also very alone and miserable. it was kind of a shock for me. he is actually doing a lot to change and be a better husband. some days we have good days. im just kind of recuperating from all the pain i suffered the first couple of years.

here's the thing with the loneliness. i think we're both at a healthy level, now. before we were both looking to each other to fix each other's problems. it was really unhealthy. and didnt work. but now i realize theres a good deal i just have to deal with on my own. not b/c he's bad person and i cant turn to him, but b/c people, even those that love me, have limitations. so what im wondering is, is a healthy level of love mean one will feel lonely? its counter intuitive to think that is the case, but even though im lonely, my relationship is better and more healthy. is it just that some people have a penetrating loneliness that just has to be dealt with and there is no cure?

i do go to counseling for my problems, and he for his. i guess its just sad for me b/c there's so much about me, things i deal with on a daily basis, that i cant share with him. im not angry about it anymore, its just sad i guess. and i wonder if i will ever be able to. and i know he feels the same way, which is odd to me. how can we both love each other and yet feel lonely around each other?

its not to say we are lonely all the time, in every aspect of the relationship. we do share some very good times together. and it seems to be getting better. but it feels like we dont share the very intimate emotional parts of ourselves. so although we are sometimes happy, we are also lonely. its very odd.

thank you for the suggestions about games online. unfortunately i hate playing online games, and i dont really like live chat.

I however don't, and I would sit alone, missing him, or missing human contact all the time.. not wanting to take away his fun, but feeling invisible and incredibly alone.

that is totally how i feel. he's so good at making friends. and i feel so guilty asking him to sit home with him. we just fight if he does b/c i feel guilty and he feels resentful. he has other passions in life and i get so jealous. he was my passion in life. im starting to feel more like he's into the relationship b/c he's made a lot of changes, but this one still gets me. and i know its just my problem.

i dont have transportation, either. if i need to go anywhere i take the bus. so i dont go many places.

 

[Twingle]

i do go to counseling for my problems, and he for his. i guess its just sad for me b/c there's so much about me, things i deal with on a daily basis, that i cant share with him. im not angry about it anymore, its just sad i guess. and i wonder if i will ever be able to. and i know he feels the same way, which is odd to me. how can we both love each other and yet feel lonely around each other?

You both go to counceling seperately .. and that is good, but do you ever go together? Sometimes it can really help to have someone mediate this kinda stuff.

I'm not really sure what to say about the loving yet being lonely part. You really should be able to share everything with him, you two are married .. for better or worse, rich or poor, thick or thin, sickness and in health ..

 

[gal_lisa]

i feel for u. even though ur married u r lonely. that's not nice. i would try to talk to him and tell him exactly how u feel. he needs to know that u r lonely and sad. good luck

 

[heretostay]

i feel for u. even though ur married u r lonely. that's not nice. i would try to talk to him and tell him exactly how u feel. he needs to know that u r lonely and sad. good luck

I have told him. Infact, i told im this sunday. i think he feels bad, but he feels exactly the same way. so its weird. we're both needy. that's probably the problem.

 

[cosmicpsyche]

you arent defective (((((((((hug)))))))))) maybe you should go out with some girlfriends

I agree, but as ever, easier said than done, and doesn't really help to cope with the current situation.
I find first you need to face what's holding you back from feeling fulfilled, not just with your new marriage, but even from before that.
Although many of us in this forum feel like we have not been good at making friends, there are so many factors, including so many out of our control, that to assume that we are bad at making friends just because we don't have any does not make sense. As human beings, no matter what baggage you come with, as long as you know yourself and act in a way that is true to you, then you owe it to yourself to keep on trying to be open and willing to take the risk of meeting new people. Though it can seem random on the surface, a slight acquaintance can sometimes be the start of revealing a deep connection with someone with whom you share unique things in common, and in whom you can find some deeper understanding on aspects of your lives (don't expect a perfect copy of you, cuz won't happen and you'll be disappointed no matter what).
So I wholeheartedly agree, it would ultimately benefit you and your husband's lives if you could find the right girlfriend(s). But do not to try to meet people just to avoid feeling jealous of your husband. Seek to find girlfriends only once you understand that as a woman, it is something very basic that you deserve to have in your life, to mutually help each other know yourselves better, to achieve greater fulfillment in all aspects of life, and to celebrate and commiserate together.

 

[heretostay]

I find first you need to face what's holding you back from feeling fulfilled, not just with your new marriage, but even from before that.

The problem is, i think before i met my H i finally learned how to feel fulfilled. I had a lot of friends and a really good friend that i just moved in apartments with, i had a couple of jobs i really liked, i was making and achieving goals, i lived by my family, and life seemed pretty good. These things were extremely difficult for me to accomplish. when i moved with my H, everything just fell apart for me. Now i feel lost.

So I wholeheartedly agree, it would ultimately benefit you and your husband's lives if you could find the right girlfriend(s). But do not to try to meet people just to avoid feeling jealous of your husband. Seek to find girlfriends only once you understand that as a woman, it is something very basic that you deserve to have in your life, to mutually help each other know yourselves better, to achieve greater fulfillment in all aspects of life, and to celebrate and commiserate together.

I agree. thank you for your insight. I know my life with my H is all out of balance right now. we do very little outside of school and work. neither of us has any friends anymore. im sure that is very unhealthy. do you think if we both started making friends that the loneliness between us would go away? or would it just get worse?

 

[Estreen]

Wow....I've felt, like...everything you have just said, just about. Only difference is, I'm not married, and my boyfriend lives overseas. We've been together 4+ years. Even though it's sad, and I feel for you..it's a little relieving to know I'm not the only one who gets to feeling like this . I don't have much advice, per say, but I can relate a lot, so if you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up. *hugs*