the-alchemist
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2010
- Messages
- 86
- Reaction score
- 0
I really don't know how to feel against my mom anymore. She has been a very bad mother in certain respects and she has done many horrible things that has psychologically damaged me. At its root she is mainly responsible for making my childhood such a dysfunctional mess.
She used to play favorites between me and my brother, she was a pathological liar, she manipulated me and my brother against our father and she was a shameless liar even when she was exposed. She always embarrassed me out in public by screaming out loud if we never got along. Because of her I never had any friends through my school years.
I can go on and on with all the tings she did
So, seeing as I've now moved to another country, only know have I realized what a terrible mom she was in retroactive perspective.
At the same time though, when I left, her life started to fall apart and she is very depressed now, and on top of that she is now homeless and unemployed, and she is now living in a psychiatric ward for depressed people. She now lives on government social security allowance which is quite meager, but despite that, she still sends me an equivalent of 300 USD per month. Despite her bullshit and past sick behavior, I can't help but feel grateful. Especially when she is in over her head with debts now
And most people have abandoned her now. I'm her only real contact now. So I don't know, because of her, my childhood is messed up. Sometimes in the span of one day, I can go from despising her to feeling pity for her. I dont know how I wanna feel to her, one part of me hates her and one part of me pities her.
And I don't know how I'm going to relate, sometimes I've thought about totally cutting off contact, but the damage would be too much for her. But I don't exactly enjoy the contact either
She used to play favorites between me and my brother, she was a pathological liar, she manipulated me and my brother against our father and she was a shameless liar even when she was exposed. She always embarrassed me out in public by screaming out loud if we never got along. Because of her I never had any friends through my school years.
I can go on and on with all the tings she did
So, seeing as I've now moved to another country, only know have I realized what a terrible mom she was in retroactive perspective.
At the same time though, when I left, her life started to fall apart and she is very depressed now, and on top of that she is now homeless and unemployed, and she is now living in a psychiatric ward for depressed people. She now lives on government social security allowance which is quite meager, but despite that, she still sends me an equivalent of 300 USD per month. Despite her bullshit and past sick behavior, I can't help but feel grateful. Especially when she is in over her head with debts now
And most people have abandoned her now. I'm her only real contact now. So I don't know, because of her, my childhood is messed up. Sometimes in the span of one day, I can go from despising her to feeling pity for her. I dont know how I wanna feel to her, one part of me hates her and one part of me pities her.
And I don't know how I'm going to relate, sometimes I've thought about totally cutting off contact, but the damage would be too much for her. But I don't exactly enjoy the contact either