Hello,
All of the google search i did today landed me in this forum. I've decided that I need to let everything that's pent up inside me out and maybe get a response or two.
So, I'm gonna start from what I think is the beginning...
I was a fat kid, everyone I knew back then used to make fun of me (even a couple of 4th grade teachers joined in on that), this absolutely destroyed all of my self esteem and I don't think it ever came back even after I lost all of that extra weight and became extremely slim.
Growing up without any self-esteem meant that I was unable to approach people, or talk to them openly. Usually I lied about my life in order to either not look as pathetic in their eyes or to just plainly hide my "real self" from the society.
Now I am sort of grown up, I have no friends, only a few acquaintances with whom I drink beer once in a while, and I'm always the one asking them out, never the other way around. Hell, I don't think I was asked out anywhere by anyone in my entire life.
Thing is, since I never had any friendly relations with other people - I don't even know how to act properly around them or approach for a conversation. I rarely leave my apartment, once a week at best, I usually just walk around the city with a cup of coffee or visit a cinema once in a while. I don't think that I'm a bad or a selfish person, I tend to be helpful if the opportunity presents itself, I try to show my interest in another person when I want to make a friend, but it feels like nobody is interested in me. I never get asked out anywhere by anyone even if I break my shyness barrier and do it first a couple of times...
Lately I have started to stay indoors even more than i used to before, I just lost hope to ever make a friend or even find a life partner so I don't really see the reason to be around other people and socialize anymore... Still I sometimes want to get out of the house to stretch my legs, but there's noone I could ask out and it would make me feel more depressed than I am already, so I just choose to stay indoors...
In the past half year my world view became nihilistic and lately I started feeling my life to be meaningless, and I just can't provide it with the meaning I wish it had... I also wish I could kill myself, but I guess my survival instincts just wont ever let me do it, so there's probably no easy way out for me.
This is just something that had to be told, since there's noone in my life to hear it, I wrote it here...
All of the google search i did today landed me in this forum. I've decided that I need to let everything that's pent up inside me out and maybe get a response or two.
So, I'm gonna start from what I think is the beginning...
I was a fat kid, everyone I knew back then used to make fun of me (even a couple of 4th grade teachers joined in on that), this absolutely destroyed all of my self esteem and I don't think it ever came back even after I lost all of that extra weight and became extremely slim.
Growing up without any self-esteem meant that I was unable to approach people, or talk to them openly. Usually I lied about my life in order to either not look as pathetic in their eyes or to just plainly hide my "real self" from the society.
Now I am sort of grown up, I have no friends, only a few acquaintances with whom I drink beer once in a while, and I'm always the one asking them out, never the other way around. Hell, I don't think I was asked out anywhere by anyone in my entire life.
Thing is, since I never had any friendly relations with other people - I don't even know how to act properly around them or approach for a conversation. I rarely leave my apartment, once a week at best, I usually just walk around the city with a cup of coffee or visit a cinema once in a while. I don't think that I'm a bad or a selfish person, I tend to be helpful if the opportunity presents itself, I try to show my interest in another person when I want to make a friend, but it feels like nobody is interested in me. I never get asked out anywhere by anyone even if I break my shyness barrier and do it first a couple of times...
Lately I have started to stay indoors even more than i used to before, I just lost hope to ever make a friend or even find a life partner so I don't really see the reason to be around other people and socialize anymore... Still I sometimes want to get out of the house to stretch my legs, but there's noone I could ask out and it would make me feel more depressed than I am already, so I just choose to stay indoors...
In the past half year my world view became nihilistic and lately I started feeling my life to be meaningless, and I just can't provide it with the meaning I wish it had... I also wish I could kill myself, but I guess my survival instincts just wont ever let me do it, so there's probably no easy way out for me.
This is just something that had to be told, since there's noone in my life to hear it, I wrote it here...