Well, I have part time loneliness, I guess you could say.
Since I was around 4 or 5 years old during the summer I tend to have manic mood swings due to the 1.5-2 hours of sleep I get per night at that time of year. So during the summer, I tend to attract new friends like flies because it is like I have a live wire in me or something. And when I say "Manic" mood swing, I mean the classic "old school" Manic Depression style of mania. The loneliness comes when they all get angry when the fall comes around and I am not the life of the party or can't sit and give dissertations about world peace etc. The positive aspect is that they tend to be flakes anyhow.
I only really have manic moods and grew up like that so I get over it quickly and regardless of that, I am labeled as having "bipolar disorder" and I understand that society sees the types of people that I have met at "NAMI groups" as suffering from the same issue that I have but most of them (the lucid folks) seemed to have more issues with their character and interpersonal relation toward the world (one guy was just going because it was a condition of his parole because Seroquel, a common drug used for manic depression among a few things. So I never fit in with that crowd, the more of them I met, the more were just getting a free housing situation and a false sense of power.
I am also homosexual, but I leave it at that. I am not a political homosexual and honestly, I hate being homosexual because that subgroup of people has a certain manner of carrying themselves, chip on their shoulder and are complete selfish hypocrites because if you are a drag queen and own every lady gaga album... of Gay or Lesbian, everyone else is less than them (closet cases, trannies etc.)... and that has always been my experience... I have sleeve tattoos and am interested in martial arts and like goth and industrial music. I tried to do the "Hey Girlfriend!" thing but to me acting like that and mentioning the fact that I was gay in every other sentence was insecure.
My home life has a lot to do with it as well. My grandmother is from Germany and only spoke to me auf Deutsch. I was her first born and my biological father was born in Germany too and it was just as easy as picking up English as a kid. My grandmother was an alcoholic that dropped my mom and aunt off at her mom's house and never went back for them and both my mom and aunt had(ve) Borderline Personality Disorder so because of how they related to the world, I never picked up the desire for social approval and on some level I was their favorite sibling because meine Oma was at the house every day just to see me and they never had a mother so I understand but the rages and the constant keeping up with whether I was the golden child or the antichrist and having to hear about how perfect and well behaved my brother was or how he was a future cradle to grave sociopath that can barely read or write (which is true) and the people she would pit against me and how she always only liked me or Nathan and it was about her all the time. Before I was 13 we were hardline Catholics, on day, she threw my adopted dad out and within 3 days, the house was filled with Gay Pride propaganda and when I came out she fed me that propaganda too. She was a mean and nasty hateful person and she died last year and because I am working on a Master's in Clinical Psych and becoming a drug counselor, she and I at least got along before she died and she tamed her drama down in her last few years of life.
NOTE: I have friends with Borderline Personality Disorder that are nothing like my mom and her and my aunt were nothing alike either one of my best friends is a sweet kind quiet girl but she abuses and manipulates herself and her own goals as opposed to relationships... there are many types of Borderline Personality Disorder, Some of the most severe cases end up being serial killers... not everyone's illness is the same.
I also lived in Bavaria for a few years as a kid and loved it there and I am in love with someone from there but rarely see him and the difference in culture and just the way he is makes me lonely because I am still here but I was adopted at age 5 and the German government, after 10 years of bugging the court said, I was more or less fluent, had a native accent, know the history, so if I learned a Master's level trade, I could test to see what I need to learn and take a year of classes and my adoption would be void in their eyes and I would be a citizen fully.
A lot about North and South America and the history of it is something that got to me because the atrocities of the Third Reich, which none of my family knew about until after the war were taught throughout my life as despicable but Columbus Day is Celebrated in North and South America and there are Thanksgiving type feasts and it never sat well with me because I learned about that in Bavaria and their version of the "Thanksgiving" stories in different places were when there were few Natives left and they begged to have their lives spared. And Britain and France Brutalized Africa and the Bolsheviks and Mao killed millions more than Hitler and even today in college classes, fellow students will sit and say my ancestors were the worst of the worst... I just don't feel like I belong here.
I am not much of a conformist, as far as my rights are concerned if people try to round me up to drag me off to be exterminated, then I would fight back but this modern political crap is dumb to me. I could care less about a piece of paper... in Germany, all we have to do is live together and say we are in love and we get full benefits and power of attorney. Plus, as sick as the Nazi Era was, I would feel proud to live in the nation that came out of pure hell and admitted their ancestors were vile and cruel...
sorry for the long drawn out explanation but I spoke my mind and I mean nothing against anyone but speaking my mind and trying to give my position in my intro... I look forward to getting to know you.
tschüss!!
Since I was around 4 or 5 years old during the summer I tend to have manic mood swings due to the 1.5-2 hours of sleep I get per night at that time of year. So during the summer, I tend to attract new friends like flies because it is like I have a live wire in me or something. And when I say "Manic" mood swing, I mean the classic "old school" Manic Depression style of mania. The loneliness comes when they all get angry when the fall comes around and I am not the life of the party or can't sit and give dissertations about world peace etc. The positive aspect is that they tend to be flakes anyhow.
I only really have manic moods and grew up like that so I get over it quickly and regardless of that, I am labeled as having "bipolar disorder" and I understand that society sees the types of people that I have met at "NAMI groups" as suffering from the same issue that I have but most of them (the lucid folks) seemed to have more issues with their character and interpersonal relation toward the world (one guy was just going because it was a condition of his parole because Seroquel, a common drug used for manic depression among a few things. So I never fit in with that crowd, the more of them I met, the more were just getting a free housing situation and a false sense of power.
I am also homosexual, but I leave it at that. I am not a political homosexual and honestly, I hate being homosexual because that subgroup of people has a certain manner of carrying themselves, chip on their shoulder and are complete selfish hypocrites because if you are a drag queen and own every lady gaga album... of Gay or Lesbian, everyone else is less than them (closet cases, trannies etc.)... and that has always been my experience... I have sleeve tattoos and am interested in martial arts and like goth and industrial music. I tried to do the "Hey Girlfriend!" thing but to me acting like that and mentioning the fact that I was gay in every other sentence was insecure.
My home life has a lot to do with it as well. My grandmother is from Germany and only spoke to me auf Deutsch. I was her first born and my biological father was born in Germany too and it was just as easy as picking up English as a kid. My grandmother was an alcoholic that dropped my mom and aunt off at her mom's house and never went back for them and both my mom and aunt had(ve) Borderline Personality Disorder so because of how they related to the world, I never picked up the desire for social approval and on some level I was their favorite sibling because meine Oma was at the house every day just to see me and they never had a mother so I understand but the rages and the constant keeping up with whether I was the golden child or the antichrist and having to hear about how perfect and well behaved my brother was or how he was a future cradle to grave sociopath that can barely read or write (which is true) and the people she would pit against me and how she always only liked me or Nathan and it was about her all the time. Before I was 13 we were hardline Catholics, on day, she threw my adopted dad out and within 3 days, the house was filled with Gay Pride propaganda and when I came out she fed me that propaganda too. She was a mean and nasty hateful person and she died last year and because I am working on a Master's in Clinical Psych and becoming a drug counselor, she and I at least got along before she died and she tamed her drama down in her last few years of life.
NOTE: I have friends with Borderline Personality Disorder that are nothing like my mom and her and my aunt were nothing alike either one of my best friends is a sweet kind quiet girl but she abuses and manipulates herself and her own goals as opposed to relationships... there are many types of Borderline Personality Disorder, Some of the most severe cases end up being serial killers... not everyone's illness is the same.
I also lived in Bavaria for a few years as a kid and loved it there and I am in love with someone from there but rarely see him and the difference in culture and just the way he is makes me lonely because I am still here but I was adopted at age 5 and the German government, after 10 years of bugging the court said, I was more or less fluent, had a native accent, know the history, so if I learned a Master's level trade, I could test to see what I need to learn and take a year of classes and my adoption would be void in their eyes and I would be a citizen fully.
A lot about North and South America and the history of it is something that got to me because the atrocities of the Third Reich, which none of my family knew about until after the war were taught throughout my life as despicable but Columbus Day is Celebrated in North and South America and there are Thanksgiving type feasts and it never sat well with me because I learned about that in Bavaria and their version of the "Thanksgiving" stories in different places were when there were few Natives left and they begged to have their lives spared. And Britain and France Brutalized Africa and the Bolsheviks and Mao killed millions more than Hitler and even today in college classes, fellow students will sit and say my ancestors were the worst of the worst... I just don't feel like I belong here.
I am not much of a conformist, as far as my rights are concerned if people try to round me up to drag me off to be exterminated, then I would fight back but this modern political crap is dumb to me. I could care less about a piece of paper... in Germany, all we have to do is live together and say we are in love and we get full benefits and power of attorney. Plus, as sick as the Nazi Era was, I would feel proud to live in the nation that came out of pure hell and admitted their ancestors were vile and cruel...
sorry for the long drawn out explanation but I spoke my mind and I mean nothing against anyone but speaking my mind and trying to give my position in my intro... I look forward to getting to know you.
tschüss!!
