another rant *sigh*

[Sci-Fi]

I don't know where people are getting this thing about sticking him in juvy or foster care, you can't just stick him into either of those. For juvy he has to be convicted of a criminal offence, which is what he's on track for if his behaviour continues on the path it is. And as for foster care, similar thing, it has to be determined by a court and at his age he'd be put into a group home that deals with kids like him. Of course he'll end up with similar children or worse, it is where they go. They try to rehabilitate them just like they do in all jails. Whether it works or not is another thing. And it's not so much being around other "bad influences" but what kids may be subjected to while in there. I lived in a town where there was a Juvenile detention center and you heard stories about what went on there...

 

[EveWasFramed]

I don't know where people are getting this thing about sticking him in juvy or foster care, you can't just stick him into either of those.  For juvy he has to be convicted of a criminal offence, which is what he's on track for if his behaviour continues on the path it is.  And as for foster care, similar thing, it has to be determined by a court and at his age he'd be put into a group home that deals with kids like him.  Of course he'll end up with similar children or worse, it is where they go.  They try to rehabilitate them just like they do in all jails.  Whether it works or not is another thing.  And it's not so much being around other "bad influences" but what kids may be subjected to while in there.  I lived in a town where there was a Juvenile detention center and you heard stories about what went on there...

Agreed. His mother actually mentioned a group home for boys (just as bad as detention centers here). 
There are a couple of places here that he would benefit from that are "out patient."  
He would live at home and just have weekly visits for counseling, therapy, etc. What SHE wants to do is remove him from her home completely. This is why she's looking for a place that actually keeps the children as residents. I didn't know it, but his brother told him point blank that he wasn't wanted there (in his mother's home). While I certainly see WHY he's not wanted there, that is his brother and his mother. It was an ugly thing to say and he could have surely expressed himself differently. I'm wondering if my younger stepson even has the mental capacity to understand why no one wants to be around him. 
I did tell my husband today, that if he came to live with us, his continued therapy was non-negotiable. 
As far as I know, he hasn't told his ex nor his son that the possibility of staying with us is on the table. We agreed not to tell anyone, but I wasn't sure my husband wouldn't give in and tell his son, just to give him something to cling to while he's at his mom's. 
I made a point to text the mother and let her know that my stepson's mood was great this weekend, that he was calm and very helpful. This was her reply: 

"I'm glad to hear that, but I know that he is very capable of manipulation. I hope it's real."

She is correct - he's very capable of manipulating his father. I told her that we wasn't capable of hiding his moods. And he's not - and she knows it. My hope is that she'll just leave him alone for a couple of days and keep the peace for a bit.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

There are no attractive truths in this situation.

You are entitled to certain things as a wife.

Amongst those things are "safety" and "respect" for yourself and especially for your daughter.

You have every right in the world to demand those two things.

Keep that in mind.

You are being asked to bend time and time again because you've been willing to bend time and time again.

We teach people how to treat us.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I can't deny that you speak the truth, Bleed. His parents seem to not be capable of understanding that they trespass on boundaries. Just today, his mother was nearly an hour late picking him up.
I told my husband that if she did it again, I was going to let her know that their dad would be dropping them off at 11:00am on Sundays when he heads back to TN.
Everything is such a huge mess. =\ I had no way of knowing things would be this way and there was so much baggage involved. I wish I'd known.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Well, we learn, we survive, and we get stronger.

I believe you have to set limits and stand firm.

You've already been more willing to "functionally" parent than the other two.

This is a tremendous burden and you've passed that test.

The sad thing is, perhaps, that you are going to have to take the "I am the parent and I say so." stance with your husband and his ex-wife, which amounts to parenting the two of them.

This is something I have personal experience with.

I parented my ex for more than a decade.

If you strap on your big girl boots and put your foot down, you might be able to take total control of the situation. These adults are already caving to a teenager. I suspect they would cave to a strong determined woman.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Isn't his older brother not much better off? I seem to recall you mentioning he gets into some trouble himself. Still, that must have hurt to have the younger one hear his older brother say he's not wanted. Then again it depends on how close they are and if the younger one looks up to his big brother.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Isn't his older brother not much better off?  I seem to recall you mentioning he gets into some trouble himself.  Still, that must have hurt to have the younger one hear his older brother say he's not wanted.  Then again it depends on how close they are and if the younger one looks up to his big brother.

Yeah... the 18 year old (almost 19) won't get a job. He starts drinking when he rolls out of bed some days. But he's not quite as wreckless as the younger one. Both lie more than any kid Ive ever met. 
He and his mother are very much alike and neither tolerate the younger one very well. I'm sure it was hurtfull to hear, but nothing seems to be able make him understand that he screws over his entire family and that's why people don't like benign around him.

 

[kamya]

Do you live in OH or TN by any chance? This all reminds me so much of my family. It's scary how similar it sounds. Maybe it just happens everywhere.

If his kids turn out the way my close cousins turned out... it won't be pretty at all. They are going to live short terrible lives if they can't get straightened out now.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Do you live in OH or TN by any chance? This all reminds me so much of my family. It's scary how similar it sounds. Maybe it just happens everywhere.

If his kids turn out the way my close cousins turned out... it won't be pretty at all. They are going to live short terrible lives if they can't get straightened out now.

Lol, Kamya. We live in GA, but are about to move to TN. Their mom is from TN and they lived in TN for about 11 years before their dad (my husband) moved here for work. 
I've got family in NC (older than the two boys, but started out on the wrong path early) and two of them have been traveling the road of self destruction for a while now. I think this kind of thing can happen pretty much anywhere. 
Unless someone or something intervenes, the older one will end up as an alcoholic living with his mother forever and the younger one will die at an early age. I thought him totaling his car, lucky to still have all of his limbs attached and still alive would have been a good wake up call. I was clearly wrong. 
He had his first therapy appointment today. I texted his mom to see how it went but she never texted me back. My husband texted her late this evening, asking if he'd gotten to the apt and her only reply was, "Yes."  No word on how it went or if she'd scheduled more apts or not. 
When she isn't getting her way, she ignores people. Unless she needs/wants something. 

I TRULY wish his kids would get themselves together and develop a better moral compass and some integrity. If they had that, maybe they'd make better choices.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Unfortunately at their age and current path in life they probably won't, unless something drastic happens. These boys seem to be on a slippery slop and it seems the younger one has learned from the older one, you can do this honeysuckle and get away with it. No consequences. It almost seems as if once they started to become young men they were left to their own devices to take care of themselves without proper guidance. Not to knock the parents but it really seems like they let them do what they wanted, let "boys be boys" as I've heard some use the excuse. I feel bad for these two boys, it seems like the younger one has no one who cares about him which isn't helping him in the least. He has a mother who doesn't want him around an old brother who doesn't want him around, and his dad has to consider you and your daughters own well being and safety with his behaviour. Unfortunately this has lead him down a path of continued and worsened behaviour which doesn't seem to be getting any better. I too do believe both these boy swill end up in an early grave or something just as bad if things don't change.

 

[ardour]

If you think you can have an impact on a 16 year old then go ahead. I not, you can only hope that another bad experience might jolt him into turning his life around.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Tough love.

"Welcome to MY house. These are MY rules. If YOU don't like them. YOU can get the fresia out."

The world is not full of people waiting in line to coddle these young men.

It's a cold hard world out there.

No time like the present.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I appreciate all the replies and support everyone has offered up and wanted to thank everyone for their input. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who sees the folly in how my stepson's parents are dealing with him. Unfortunately, I'm in no position to force my opinions or my will upon the young man, as have no legal rights to. I do feel that most of my opinions are accurate, even though they are mostly discounted by his parents. If any of you have read some of my previous posts, I'd been warning his parents for MONTHS that he needed help...therapy...drug testing, etc. Had they listened all those months ago, things might not have gotten so far out of hand. They didn't listen then, and they likely aren't going to listen now. I'm sure they're thinking that he's gotten into about as much mischief as he possibly can.
That will be their next mistake. That child draws trouble to himself like a magnet. If there is trouble to be found, he will find himself in the thick of it, and often because his parents, especially his dad, give him way too much credit in thinking he can make any good decisions. I know it must suck to have a child who disappoints that badly, but he needs a controlled environment right now - more time with family and less time running the streets unsupervised. I wish I had the authority to make demands in the situation.
The only thing I've said is non-negotiable is that the kid has to continue with therapy.