BeYouTiful said:Girls make me nervous bro. Also ppl wit a higher "social status" in the specific environment I'm in. Like the cool ppl in school for ex.
But even in general, I'm just a weird guy. I don't know how to be "me". Like I always change personalities daily/weekly trying to find out whos the real me and what makes me happy. Sometimes I'm in the "i dont give an f" mode about what anyone thinks and I literally say anything that pops up in my head(or at least I try) and do a bunch of uncool stuff and such. Then I get an "epiphany" saying that type of mentality is not right for me, and then I try to be cooler, or I trust my first instincts and don't think anything through.
I dont know man, Im just a really weird guy. I probably need to go see a professional. Maybe I'm just not meant to be social? When I'm alone my mind is at peace and I don't feel any pressure... but then again, I wanna have friends and I wanna have a GF etc.
I don't know how the hell I became who I am today. Up to grade 8 I was "normal" and succesful socially. Then my family moved during the summer of that yr, I knew no one in the neighbourhood and so I stayed home on the computer and stuff. When gr 9 started in that school I rmember I was super avoidant anf feared social situations. Id always go out by myself at lunch far from everyone and would try not to run into ppl I knew in the hallway and stuff. Thats when I became socially awkward I believe. But at least I knew who I was...
I think it's in gr 11 that I started adopting new personalities over and over... 4 yrs later I'm still struggling with that. You know what might be possible? I'm just a very shy and perhaps even socially anxious guy and so I try to mask it by forcing different peronality mentalities upon myself because I hate how the real me is???
Man, I don't know. I wanna be me. But if the real me is a socially fearful pansy, then I don't think I'll be able to really experience life to its fullest like this(stuff like this triggers new mentalities/personalities). Or maybe its correct to wanna change myself, but I been going about it the wrong way? Or maybe happyness could come even if I stay the real me and changes(such as more comfortable socially) might come naturally?? Or maybe changes dont need to happen for me to be happy??
God ****, why did I have to be cursed in such a way...
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