I think I have all these elements quite badly...Just recently I've felt like my heads going to explode from the pain of not living. Maybe thats a good thing maybe I'll eventually explode and have to make some changes but right now it just feels bad. For instance tomorrows theres this social thing I was invited too where people dress up as golf players and drink its lots of pubs...I used to fancy one of the girls who will be there but I think she wanted to just be friends...Basically a few months ago she was round my house and I told her I liked her, she said she liked me too but had just come out of a big relationship, I got the sense though that she didn't want me in that way. (weirdly though she asked if I wanted to go back to her house that night so I spent the night there, which for someone like me was very weird and you can probably see why I'm confused now) I've had an ambivalent desire to be close to her and need avoid her to stop being hurt for a while now. A part of me wants to go but I am so shy I don't think I can face walking in dressed weirdly etc, and face the whole night, face being left on my own etc. The reason I can't find closure over this girl is I was never able to really be myself around her I was always very quiet. I always think if only I could show this more loud crazy side to me she might like me in this way. Yet as I said theres a part of me that wants to avoid her due to the pain of potentially seeing her talking to other guys etc. Its likely that I fancy her to an unhealthy extent I.e its more down to me idealizing her etc than her herself. These thoughts and a million other depressions and anxieties are just ratting round my head, it seems like I can't win, If I go I feel like I'll experience pain, the pain of not being able to be myself etc and experience all my socializing anxiety. If I don't I'll experience the pain of imagining what if I had gone and I was being the person I know I could be with her right now. Its such a headache the way my mood changes. I'll feel nothing at all for her most of the day and suddenly a passionate yearning to be with her, a feeling of magical love and pain at not having it. (and I rarely even see/speak to her anymore, even before it was mainly online, it all happens in my head)