Avoidant personality

[Alex]

I think I have all these elements quite badly...Just recently I've felt like my heads going to explode from the pain of not living. Maybe thats a good thing maybe I'll eventually explode and have to make some changes but right now it just feels bad. For instance tomorrows theres this social thing I was invited too where people dress up as golf players and drink its lots of pubs...I used to fancy one of the girls who will be there but I think she wanted to just be friends...Basically a few months ago she was round my house and I told her I liked her, she said she liked me too but had just come out of a big relationship, I got the sense though that she didn't want me in that way. (weirdly though she asked if I wanted to go back to her house that night so I spent the night there, which for someone like me was very weird and you can probably see why I'm confused now) I've had an ambivalent desire to be close to her and need avoid her to stop being hurt for a while now. A part of me wants to go but I am so shy I don't think I can face walking in dressed weirdly etc, and face the whole night, face being left on my own etc. The reason I can't find closure over this girl is I was never able to really be myself around her I was always very quiet. I always think if only I could show this more loud crazy side to me she might like me in this way. Yet as I said theres a part of me that wants to avoid her due to the pain of potentially seeing her talking to other guys etc. Its likely that I fancy her to an unhealthy extent I.e its more down to me idealizing her etc than her herself. These thoughts and a million other depressions and anxieties are just ratting round my head, it seems like I can't win, If I go I feel like I'll experience pain, the pain of not being able to be myself etc and experience all my socializing anxiety. If I don't I'll experience the pain of imagining what if I had gone and I was being the person I know I could be with her right now. Its such a headache the way my mood changes. I'll feel nothing at all for her most of the day and suddenly a passionate yearning to be with her, a feeling of magical love and pain at not having it. (and I rarely even see/speak to her anymore, even before it was mainly online, it all happens in my head)

 

[I'm Fine]

Personally I think you should avoid her, at least for a while. She's already said no and if you keep trying she may feel that you're being creepy. Also what makes you think you'll be able to be more yourself around her now when you couldn't before? And even if you can, she may think that you're just trying it to get her to like you and that it *isn't* the real you. I think you need to learn to let her go and accept that not everyone you like will like you back in the same way.

If, on the other hand, you feel that you can see her be 'friendly' with other guys and relax around her and just be a friend to her - then go. It may be that, once you DO relax and see her as a friend rather than as someone you want to date, she'll get to see the real you and like you and that things might progress from there.

I may be horribly wrong though (often am) so I hope other people reply to this thread to give you other advice.

Good luck *hugs*

 

[Alex]

Hey, Yea I know I probably should avoid her, but when I make a determined decision like that, I know in an hour or so I'll be hit by a 'what if'? and I'll imagine something great happening between us. Its like someone once said "I can deal with the despair, its the hope I can't stand"

 

[I'm Fine]

If you can't cope with the 'what if's then you've already made the decision to go, really. I would still suggest that you back off, don't try and impress her, just relax and be a friend to her. Like I said, that's my opinion only though. I hope it goes well.

Good luck.