MissBehave
Cry Baby
- Joined
- May 24, 2019
- Messages
- 1,346
- Reaction score
- 98
I don't know how to move forward anymore.
At the beginning of the year I started on a new medication. I could feel it help me very fast and for the first time in years I felt like I could achieve something, that if I kept pushing forward it would give me things I could only dream of before. They increased the dosage once every 2 weeks until I was on the amount that would work best for me. Finally! I felt alive again! Breathing felt easier and I could feel my mind get the removal of that horrible sharp edge that had kept stabbing me. My problems were the same but the medication made it more manageable.
I started on a work project that required me to do 50% of normal work hours. The pay was minimal but it gave me so much! Being at the cat hotel gave me confidence in my abilities and work capacity. For so many years I couldn't work at all and this left me outside of the society. It's a horrible feeling to know that you can't contribute and changing that felt amazing. Just talking about this makes me tear up. I can't ever express how it felt when I finally stared to move forward again after so many years of standing still.
Then I had to quit my new medication. The main reason being that it isn't registered as something that is normally used against my illness. I don't have a clean anxiety diagnosis as the medication are, among others, supposed to work against. Anxiety is a big thing evolving around my problems but it's not classified as only anxiety.
Since I quit using them I've felt everything falling apart. I'm struggling to keep my problems under control. My flashes and depression is attacking me full strength. It is so bad that I can't go a day without having some sort of flashback. They vary in strength and I can't remove myself from the triggers since I see and feel some of them every day. The power I felt inside of myself is fading, just getting out of bed in the morning to go to work is very hard. Today I couldn't help but burst out in tears because I don't want to face these problems anymore. I'm back at the beginning again, struggling to keep myself alive and breathing.
I'm seeing my doctor again in 2 weeks time to figure out what to do now. I'm hoping that I can start on them again but I'm expecting the worst.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I could fight this but it feels like I'm drowning again.
At the beginning of the year I started on a new medication. I could feel it help me very fast and for the first time in years I felt like I could achieve something, that if I kept pushing forward it would give me things I could only dream of before. They increased the dosage once every 2 weeks until I was on the amount that would work best for me. Finally! I felt alive again! Breathing felt easier and I could feel my mind get the removal of that horrible sharp edge that had kept stabbing me. My problems were the same but the medication made it more manageable.
I started on a work project that required me to do 50% of normal work hours. The pay was minimal but it gave me so much! Being at the cat hotel gave me confidence in my abilities and work capacity. For so many years I couldn't work at all and this left me outside of the society. It's a horrible feeling to know that you can't contribute and changing that felt amazing. Just talking about this makes me tear up. I can't ever express how it felt when I finally stared to move forward again after so many years of standing still.
Then I had to quit my new medication. The main reason being that it isn't registered as something that is normally used against my illness. I don't have a clean anxiety diagnosis as the medication are, among others, supposed to work against. Anxiety is a big thing evolving around my problems but it's not classified as only anxiety.
Since I quit using them I've felt everything falling apart. I'm struggling to keep my problems under control. My flashes and depression is attacking me full strength. It is so bad that I can't go a day without having some sort of flashback. They vary in strength and I can't remove myself from the triggers since I see and feel some of them every day. The power I felt inside of myself is fading, just getting out of bed in the morning to go to work is very hard. Today I couldn't help but burst out in tears because I don't want to face these problems anymore. I'm back at the beginning again, struggling to keep myself alive and breathing.
I'm seeing my doctor again in 2 weeks time to figure out what to do now. I'm hoping that I can start on them again but I'm expecting the worst.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I could fight this but it feels like I'm drowning again.