being second best

[jetsuo]

this is more of a rant so i dont bottle this up too much.

so about half a year ago my ex ex girlfriend and i start talking when split with my ex.
we talked like almost everyday and i know she enjoyed the attention from me because her boyfriend was boring as fresia. anyways we agreeed we would just be friends which i was totally fine with because i wouldnt want to date her again. ibcouldnt handle her tbh but we get on well as friends.

anyways she split with her boyfriend at the same time i was coming back to my home town and we hung out for a few days and got on super. i started to consider her a close friend. anyways at the same we met up, her ex ex boyfriend (the guy she lleft me for) suddenly came back into the picture. she told me all about their relationship and how he broke her nose and cheated on her. she had pure negative things to say abiut him.
anyways shortly after that she became distant and failed to return my texts and didnt come to any of my parties or group gatherings. she always used her illness as an excuse but she was spending her time with the abusive ex.
suddenly i found myself second best and i confronted her on this. when i did she admited she was spending allot of time with him and that his changed and they are getting back together. she even moved in with him. just wow!

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now personally i dont care shes dating someone. i have no interest in being her boyfriend plus i have another date lined up this weekend with a nice girl.
what pisses me off is how suddenly i become second best and get ignored by my so called friend.
i just feel so let down

 

[9006]

I know exactly what you mean, most women use guys like you to fill in the void until they get over it, or they feel better... or he comes back of course.

I've also had experience of this.

 

[perfanoff]

Maybe he's changed.. *rolls eyes*

But honestly, if someone has shown poor judgement before.. getting a boyfriend that would hit her.. maybe you shouldn't use her current judgements for validating yourself. Get what I mean?

 

[defenestrate]

This is just a belief...
For the abuse side of things, we can really only offer support, and offer options for people to choose from. As adults, they are responsible for making their own decisions. I know that can be really tough watching somebody you care about be mistreated.

How do you feel?
You're entitled to your private considerations, and as with any relationship you can only represent yourself. Does she know you feel let down? Have you ever begun dialog with her letting her know how you feel? Communication is the only way the two of you may decide the degree your willing to accept what was and what is. Maybe you'll be tempted to want to change what you can't, but this doesn't mean the two of you can't change your own minds today. If you do choose to represent yourself, and express how you feel, it'll be up to her to decide whether or not she should try to change her reactions and behaviors today.

The ball is in her court after that.

edit
(Like perfanoff said, you cannot represent yourself by the decisions of other people. Her actions and choices reflect her - not you. If she chooses to ignore you, it isn't your decision, it's her.)

 

[Jocsaint]

It just comes down to one thing: People are weird and hard to figure out. Actually, that's two things. It comes down to two things.

 

[Dissident]

If she wants to be a self-destructive idiot, that's her prerogative. Some people don't get it for a long time, and some people never do. If she can't figure out on her own that getting punched in the face isn't a nostalgic memory, you can't make her figure it out. To save someone they have to want it first. It might be easier said than done, but you should drop her and move on. But you've probably already thought all of this anyway.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

It just comes down to one thing: People are weird and hard to figure out. Actually, that's two things. It comes down to two things.

Two words: "mank" and "ind"

"What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind." - Jack Handey.

 

[jetsuo]

thanks all i agree.
kinda realised that she was never really a friend. she just wanted attention but doesnt need itit from me anymore. but yeah its her loss. im a great friend and fun to be with.
Unfortunetly this whole expierance has changed me to a guy that could end up hurting allot of people. i realise i dont like being alone and i also realise i always get hurt if i focus on one person too much. Recently ive got my old confidence back and ive started dating and chatting up girls. Right now im seeing a few girls but i just cant get close to them. i tell them what they want to hear and i like the attention but i just cant commit anymore.

im becomming the same sort of person that i started this thread about.

I guess i need advice on something. all my relationships have failed. and i.always find relationships to be boring. i dont even want kids.
Im starting to

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think i should forget having a girlfriend and just have fun.
i finally realised the route cause of my anxiety a month ago was because i wanted to.hang out with one person soo much but she didnt.

and its so ironic. when i dont give a honeysuckle about people (girls) they seem to like me but when i start caring they change. hmmm or maybe i change.

i gues i figured if i made this one girl my best friend, i would never lose her.
god what i naive way of thinking.

 

[LonelyLola]

I don't necessarily think she was using you on purpose. Most women don't maliciously use the people in their lives. Some are mean and do it but not all. What worries me here is the abuse aspect of the relationship.

Working with women from abusive situations I have noticed that even when they want help, many abused women are unable to break the cycle. Even if they know they shouldn't be treated so badly, they don't leave because it is what is familiar. Many times it is what they have seen "love" be from their parents or modelled by other couples as they grew up. Also, most abusers are very controlling, and would prevent their 'captive' from contacting old friends. Isolate their partner in order to control them.

Be a friend to her but keep your feelings safe. Know that she may not have purposefully been using you, but abuse fucks honeysuckle up. Let her know it is it not ok for someone to treat her like that, but know, IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO SAVE HER. Just be there is she needs help.

 

[Rosebolt]

You might want to try to hear her out instead of judging so quickly. There's a reason for everything, every human action, however stupid the might seem.

My guess goes along the lines of her not being allowed by this guy to talk to other people much, and to avoid breaking all sorts of body parts, she agrees to it.

 

[ladyforsaken]

You might want to try to hear her out instead of judging so quickly. There's a reason for everything, every human action, however stupid the might seem.

My guess goes along the lines of her not being allowed by this guy to talk to other people much, and to avoid breaking all sorts of body parts, she agrees to it.

Pretty much probably this. I speak of this because.. been there, done that.

 

[jetsuo]

yeah. To be fair maybe i shouldnt judge her. i get judged all the time. Ill be there for her if she needs me. But i learnt i cant force myself into her life.

I do get very attached to people sometimes as i like being around people.
It did hurt for a little while but since then ive been focusing on other people and im OK now.
I do wish her all the best. Shes lead a tough life and deserves to be happy.
I dont really know the guy, just heard a few horror stories.

Just sucks losing a great person to talk to.





I

 

[perfanoff]

You might want to try to hear her out instead of judging so quickly. There's a reason for everything, every human action, however stupid the might seem.

My guess goes along the lines of her not being allowed by this guy to talk to other people much, and to avoid breaking all sorts of body parts, she agrees to it.

As much as I can see her doing that, sticking with him should be the definition for a stupid action.

Just because there always is a reason for people's actions doesn't mean that reason is justified or in the person's best interest.

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yeah. To be fair maybe i shouldnt judge her. i get judged all the time. Ill be there for her if she needs me. But i learnt i cant force myself into her life.

I do get very attached to people sometimes as i like being around people.
It did hurt for a little while but since then ive been focusing on other people and im OK now.
I do wish her all the best. Shes lead a tough life and deserves to be happy.
I dont really know the guy, just heard a few horror stories.

Just sucks losing a great person to talk to.





I

I don't see how she deserves to be happy when she seeks out being unhappy? It's so straightforward. I smoke, so I deserve lung cancer. She goes out with somebody that has physically abused her, so she deserves being physically abused.

 

[defenestrate]

Well, whatever the case, I hope you hang in there jetsuo. I'm sure your a great friend to have. If she chooses to not be a part of your life, that's her decision, and it doesn't make you any less of a great friend to have. The only thing you can do is be open and available. Losing friends under such poor terms is always rough, so try to take a moment to look after yourself, okay? You deserve to be happy, too.

As for the whole abuse thing, I see where your coming from perfanoff. I don't believe anyone deserves cancer or abuse, but it is that simple. Adults are responsible for making their own decisions and being accountable for them. It'll be up to her to decide for herself what sort of relationships she wants to be in. We cannot decide that for anyone else. We can only be available and provide options for her to choose from. Other than that it's just healthy to remain non-judgmental.

 

[jetsuo]

Well, whatever the case, I hope you hang in there jetsuo. I'm sure your a great friend to have. If she chooses to not be a part of your life, that's her decision, and it doesn't make you any less of a great friend to have. The only thing you can do is be open and available. Losing friends under such poor terms is always rough, so try to take a moment to look after yourself, okay? You deserve to be happy, too.

As for the whole abuse thing, I see where your coming from perfanoff. I don't believe anyone deserves cancer or abuse, but it is that simple. Adults are responsible for making their own decisions and being accountable for them. It'll be up to her to decide for herself what sort of relationships she wants to be in. We cannot decide that for anyone else. We can only be available and provide options for her to choose from. Other than that it's just healthy to remain non-judgmental.

Cheers mate. Im Ok now. I got other friends and a new lady friend which appears to be going well so far, so im happy now. just hope this doeant happen to me again

 

[perfanoff]

Well, whatever the case, I hope you hang in there jetsuo. I'm sure your a great friend to have. If she chooses to not be a part of your life, that's her decision, and it doesn't make you any less of a great friend to have. The only thing you can do is be open and available. Losing friends under such poor terms is always rough, so try to take a moment to look after yourself, okay? You deserve to be happy, too.

As for the whole abuse thing, I see where your coming from perfanoff. I don't believe anyone deserves cancer or abuse, but it is that simple. Adults are responsible for making their own decisions and being accountable for them. It'll be up to her to decide for herself what sort of relationships she wants to be in. We cannot decide that for anyone else. We can only be available and provide options for her to choose from. Other than that it's just healthy to remain non-judgmental.

Yeah. Thanks for clarifying my ideas to ones that are socially correct.