It's been bugging me, so it's half a rant half a "what can be done" thing
Quick background: My biological mother had my older half brother, then had me a year and a half later. She never wanted girls. She became pregnant with my younger half brother (for those keeping track, we all have different dads.) and "could not handle me!" so my aunt and uncle took care of me, and she took me back. And it happened all over again. This time, my aunt and uncle told her to allow them guardianship. I was about 18 months old.
By 11 years old, I was receiving "gifts" from her, which really... Were just a way to buy affection, sided with the empty promises of her letters ("Want to come see you!" "Want to be there for your graduation!" "Going to move down next year!" etc).
Now, I am 20 years old and going to have a daughter of my own end of January. When she found out, she sent a drunken midnight FB message to me, about how she was so excited for me and wanted to be there in my life and play a part in "the kid's" life.
Maybe I was a bit harsh when I asked "what part of my kid's life DO you want to take?" but come on? A woman who didn't want her middle child, never even TRIED to visit, is a drunk AND dates men that people would be unsure of trusting...? And she has a sudden realization that she wants to play GRANDMA? No.
She took it wrong... Of course this was in the morning, y'know, when she was sober. And she acted as if I were a right out *****. I outright told her that my parents (aunt and uncle), were grandma and grandpa.
"Oh ok. Well I wish you the best of luck then." Was her reply.
She gave up?! My family told me she will try again and again anyways. But she will give up each time.
If I took forced pity on her, and did the whole "of COURSE you can be around MY child! You're my biological mother! You deserve every ounce of my pity, time, and energy!" (sorry for the sarcasm -.-)... Then I'd be subjecting my child to an unstable and angry drunk - not to mention putting my daughter in possible harm's way with those.... .... Untrustworthy flings....
I will say, if she changed... If she actually put effort towards not "oh woe is me my life is horrible and you all hate me!" attitude, and instead towards getting help, counselling, etc... I would not mind so much. But how the hell do you encourage someone to do so?
I don't know if using the "look, if you don't change this, you can't be near her!" would work. I'm willing to try that "tough love" method. I'm very much to the point with her. No beating around the bush, no "sensitivity" because she doesn't seem to care.
I would love it, to see her change and become the person she could be.
*** A quick note, even if I do nothing, I will have to deal with her trying over and over to have me let her see my child, and "play a part".
Quick background: My biological mother had my older half brother, then had me a year and a half later. She never wanted girls. She became pregnant with my younger half brother (for those keeping track, we all have different dads.) and "could not handle me!" so my aunt and uncle took care of me, and she took me back. And it happened all over again. This time, my aunt and uncle told her to allow them guardianship. I was about 18 months old.
By 11 years old, I was receiving "gifts" from her, which really... Were just a way to buy affection, sided with the empty promises of her letters ("Want to come see you!" "Want to be there for your graduation!" "Going to move down next year!" etc).
Now, I am 20 years old and going to have a daughter of my own end of January. When she found out, she sent a drunken midnight FB message to me, about how she was so excited for me and wanted to be there in my life and play a part in "the kid's" life.
Maybe I was a bit harsh when I asked "what part of my kid's life DO you want to take?" but come on? A woman who didn't want her middle child, never even TRIED to visit, is a drunk AND dates men that people would be unsure of trusting...? And she has a sudden realization that she wants to play GRANDMA? No.
She took it wrong... Of course this was in the morning, y'know, when she was sober. And she acted as if I were a right out *****. I outright told her that my parents (aunt and uncle), were grandma and grandpa.
"Oh ok. Well I wish you the best of luck then." Was her reply.
She gave up?! My family told me she will try again and again anyways. But she will give up each time.
If I took forced pity on her, and did the whole "of COURSE you can be around MY child! You're my biological mother! You deserve every ounce of my pity, time, and energy!" (sorry for the sarcasm -.-)... Then I'd be subjecting my child to an unstable and angry drunk - not to mention putting my daughter in possible harm's way with those.... .... Untrustworthy flings....
I will say, if she changed... If she actually put effort towards not "oh woe is me my life is horrible and you all hate me!" attitude, and instead towards getting help, counselling, etc... I would not mind so much. But how the hell do you encourage someone to do so?
I don't know if using the "look, if you don't change this, you can't be near her!" would work. I'm willing to try that "tough love" method. I'm very much to the point with her. No beating around the bush, no "sensitivity" because she doesn't seem to care.
I would love it, to see her change and become the person she could be.
*** A quick note, even if I do nothing, I will have to deal with her trying over and over to have me let her see my child, and "play a part".