I have no past(memories for 5 or so years, good childhood tho.) to look at for comfort, present to immerse myself in or future to look forward to.
Hope. I used to have that to some extent in the form of a girl who went to the same college as I did, a girl I would talk to often. A girl whose company I valued more than the combination of everything else in my life. The day's success was not measured by my performance on a test or a presentation but rather by the sort of contact I made with her, it was often considerably brief, since I wouldn't always find things to say and she was often with her friends. But a smile or enthusiatic wave was often adequate enough to make me happy for the rest of day. There was reason to believe that she liked me too, but I procrastinated as it is my nature to do so, I procrastinated out of fear and inexperience.
Anyfuckingway, it was time for summer. The highlight of that summer(last summer) was when I recieved a text from her, completely unexpected. it elevated my mood from severe boredom to a happiness I am unable to relate to in my life.
Finish summer, I come back. I learn that she got a summer job (@ school) and met some dude who became her boyfriend. It was like my heart was ripped out of my ******* chest and smeared all over my miserable life, and there is this dark abyss and I'm falling....and falling... and there is no way out.
The what-if aspect is ******* with my head, especially since I generally lack passion for anything, I have difficulty sleeping (resorted to pills as of late) and in the mornings the emptiness and loneliness is overwhelming. Motivation is shot, I cannot be messed doing anything that requires an ounce of effort anymore. I mean what the hell is the point, seriously.
what if I had done something, take some sort of action. how different would things be now? what if what if what if....I don't want to be here anymore.
Hope. I used to have that to some extent in the form of a girl who went to the same college as I did, a girl I would talk to often. A girl whose company I valued more than the combination of everything else in my life. The day's success was not measured by my performance on a test or a presentation but rather by the sort of contact I made with her, it was often considerably brief, since I wouldn't always find things to say and she was often with her friends. But a smile or enthusiatic wave was often adequate enough to make me happy for the rest of day. There was reason to believe that she liked me too, but I procrastinated as it is my nature to do so, I procrastinated out of fear and inexperience.
Anyfuckingway, it was time for summer. The highlight of that summer(last summer) was when I recieved a text from her, completely unexpected. it elevated my mood from severe boredom to a happiness I am unable to relate to in my life.
Finish summer, I come back. I learn that she got a summer job (@ school) and met some dude who became her boyfriend. It was like my heart was ripped out of my ******* chest and smeared all over my miserable life, and there is this dark abyss and I'm falling....and falling... and there is no way out.
The what-if aspect is ******* with my head, especially since I generally lack passion for anything, I have difficulty sleeping (resorted to pills as of late) and in the mornings the emptiness and loneliness is overwhelming. Motivation is shot, I cannot be messed doing anything that requires an ounce of effort anymore. I mean what the hell is the point, seriously.
what if I had done something, take some sort of action. how different would things be now? what if what if what if....I don't want to be here anymore.