Ok, so this has been on my mind for almost over a year now so getting this off my chest would really feel of much releif.
Anyway, I've always been an artistic, creative guy, heavily into music, books, and visual kinda stuff. When I left school I chose to take on the graphic design industry and back then I was all totally enthusiastic, but these past four years have really taken its toll on me and I think the way I dealt with a lot of my problems was delving into my own world on my computer and working away on any college things and whatnot.
Over the past year though I've been getting more and more aware of the fact that I no longer want to hide myself amongst tons of work, or giving myself huge projects that would mean endless hours on the computer working away on something that may not even be of any real significance. Back then I wouldn't mind, I liked to be in my own cozy little world, I let others get on with what they wanted, as long as it didn't bother me.
But now, faced with the truth that I no longer wish to hide (or feel like im doing so), I find it a lot harder to find the old enthusiasm I used to in Design since I would rather be outside, hell I would rather do anything other than sit in front of the computer for too long otherwise I feel I would go insane.
Whenever I try to occupy myself like I used to, it just reminds me of all the times I'd hide my stress and anguish under tons of work, even though I didn't realise it at the time.
Now I've finished college and I feel a little stuck, I don't know what I want to do, I have been accepted into two Universities doing design, but at the time of my interview I didn't know where I was going so I just went through with them because apprently it would be 'the best thing to do'. But really to me that doesn't mean honeysuckle unless doing what you do makes you happy.
I feel confused, I need to move away from home because I can't stand it here much longer, but at the same time I have second thoughts about 'forcing' myself into University just because of the expectations of my parents and the fact that its going to be difficult finding a job here with the recession and everything.
I feel that I wouldn't really be free if I delved right back into another two year design course, ive already done four years non stop and now I feel drained of motivation, I need to do something different for awhile, but money and improving yourself is always an issue to be considered too, and all I want to do is get away, totally re-invent myself, and I feel I definatley cannot do this by being on a computer any longer than an hour a day.
Freedom is what I want, technology cannot give me this in any way, I want to be practical, do something thats just...there...no digital version, nothing that just exists on an LCD screen, I yearn for reality and I am no longer afraid of hiding, or feel a need to hide. I want to travel and get out there, without being held back by anything, I want to find who I really am, and I feel I can't 'sign up' for another two years to something. I don't want to think that far ahead at this point, I want to live for the moment and feel every ounce of my youth running through my body at a million miles an hour, if I had the oppertunity to stand up in front of you all and tell you this in person, **** I would be scared but I want to be scared, I want to feel that adrenaline!
Anyway, I've always been an artistic, creative guy, heavily into music, books, and visual kinda stuff. When I left school I chose to take on the graphic design industry and back then I was all totally enthusiastic, but these past four years have really taken its toll on me and I think the way I dealt with a lot of my problems was delving into my own world on my computer and working away on any college things and whatnot.
Over the past year though I've been getting more and more aware of the fact that I no longer want to hide myself amongst tons of work, or giving myself huge projects that would mean endless hours on the computer working away on something that may not even be of any real significance. Back then I wouldn't mind, I liked to be in my own cozy little world, I let others get on with what they wanted, as long as it didn't bother me.
But now, faced with the truth that I no longer wish to hide (or feel like im doing so), I find it a lot harder to find the old enthusiasm I used to in Design since I would rather be outside, hell I would rather do anything other than sit in front of the computer for too long otherwise I feel I would go insane.
Whenever I try to occupy myself like I used to, it just reminds me of all the times I'd hide my stress and anguish under tons of work, even though I didn't realise it at the time.
Now I've finished college and I feel a little stuck, I don't know what I want to do, I have been accepted into two Universities doing design, but at the time of my interview I didn't know where I was going so I just went through with them because apprently it would be 'the best thing to do'. But really to me that doesn't mean honeysuckle unless doing what you do makes you happy.
I feel confused, I need to move away from home because I can't stand it here much longer, but at the same time I have second thoughts about 'forcing' myself into University just because of the expectations of my parents and the fact that its going to be difficult finding a job here with the recession and everything.
I feel that I wouldn't really be free if I delved right back into another two year design course, ive already done four years non stop and now I feel drained of motivation, I need to do something different for awhile, but money and improving yourself is always an issue to be considered too, and all I want to do is get away, totally re-invent myself, and I feel I definatley cannot do this by being on a computer any longer than an hour a day.
Freedom is what I want, technology cannot give me this in any way, I want to be practical, do something thats just...there...no digital version, nothing that just exists on an LCD screen, I yearn for reality and I am no longer afraid of hiding, or feel a need to hide. I want to travel and get out there, without being held back by anything, I want to find who I really am, and I feel I can't 'sign up' for another two years to something. I don't want to think that far ahead at this point, I want to live for the moment and feel every ounce of my youth running through my body at a million miles an hour, if I had the oppertunity to stand up in front of you all and tell you this in person, **** I would be scared but I want to be scared, I want to feel that adrenaline!
