Oh, how long has it been since I've posted on this website? What happened to me? Does anyone from here remember? Should I bother to post anything at all? Am I going to look like an idiot? Am I going to make sense, or is this going to be just me sharing whatever pops into my head? AND, is anyone even really interested? Hmm..
The last time I posted here, I believe was over a year ago. I was scared shitless because I thought I was going to break up with my boyfriend whom I was dating for over three years. An online relationship... Because those were the only things I was good at creating. Relationships in general were the only things I cared about. Finding love, because there I thought I could find my happiness and myself. Trying to wrap myself into another person so he could help me find whatever was missing in my life. Nevermind anything else happening in the "real world". Nevermind finally going back to school and getting a decent education to better myself. No. I just needed love. That's all people really want, right? Humans. Another human to bury yourself into, so you could find ground to exist. At least that's how I felt.. and I probably still do feel that way. The most important thing for me was to be happy. To find love, and share my love with someone I felt comfortable with. And I did, for the most part. I felt comfortable opening the cracks inside in my head to him. I wanted those voids filled and I wanted to fill his. And I feel as though we did, but that wasn't enough. It isn't in this world. Why do we do it to ourselves? We all die and rot in the ground and nothing here lasts forever.
To maybe make more sense, the 21st of December, I broke up with my long-time boyfriend. Not that anything crazy happened. We had an argument. Just the usual bullshit couples sometimes pull with each other. Mostly due to stress and for us, lack of contact. We agreed, for the most part, that we maybe should of spent some time apart. Although, to be honest, I didn't want to do such a thing right at the holidays and isn't that a time to forget everything and just be? Anyway... I ended up letting stress and built up anger inside me to grow to the point where I could not hold it in anymore. And something snapped. I snapped. I was so angry at him for being this way towards me. I loved him, yes. But there was a part of me that needed more from him. I wanted to grow together. I wanted us to talk through everything. Being a typical girl.. I LOVE emotions. I love talking about them and feeling them... and, being immature and sometimes unsure and wrong. (Yep, I was wrong!!!) I liked to provoke them. I exploded. I don't remember all that was said, because I feel like when I am angry, I don't act like my true self. I get more crazy than I should be and let the heat of the moment take over. I called him names. Nothing too close to home. Just "you're a piece of honeysuckle" "you're selfish" (And oh, I was, too! I know! I know!) "you don't care about me" "how can you do this so close to christmas?!?!" I broke up with him and he didn't do much, honestly. I think when I got to my mad points, I scared him away. Which was totally wrong on my part. I had no intentions of making him afraid of me, or not want to be around me. I wanted him closer. But looking back on it all, I know I am at fault. And maybe not because I'm some psycho ***** with no heart... but because I never got help, or addressed any issues I had even before I met him. Issues that had nothing to do with him. He was a good guy. Had some trouble opening up. He was immature, but in a way that I found so adorable. He was a typical guy in that sense. And that's something about him that I feel almost everyone on this planet has issues with. Putting trust into someone or something. And being how I acted, it's not hard to see why he'd doubt wanting to share more with me. We all got our problems, and sometimes ours show more than others.
The thing is with him... It was like he knew how to be happy. He made himself happy by burying any pain or distracting himself from it. He has all these interests and hobbies. Things to do. A home. He grew up in the same house his entire life. Has the same friends and familiars around him. I never had any of those things. I grew up moving in and out of different places. Constantly having to make new friends and switch schools. Losing myself in the process. And I feel as though he has always had himself and his familiars and that made it easier for him to go through life. At least easier than it was for me. Being a person who hates changes and being forced into them. As I think more about it, maybe that's why he was so appealing to me. He was happy for the most part and he knew just what to do to get there. And I wanted so desperately to be a part of that..
After our fight.. He blocked me, again, off Facebook. (oh no, my life is over) I texted him and he repeatedly told me to leave him alone. I did. It was a few days before Christmas and I sent out his gift in the mail the same day we broke up. Hoping that if I gave him some space, and waited for him to get his gift in the mail, he'd text me, call me, message me. Something. As I waited, I distracted myself by spending time with my friend and doing other "time by myself" things. It was late at night, I believe on the 26th, I was lonely, bored and wishing he'd talk to me, when I decided to look at one of his friend's facebook pages. There I noticed she was in a relationship. It took me a moment to realize it was with him... They started dating two DAYS after we broke up.
Now, I was in shock. I knew who this girl was from long before. She was actually someone I wanted to meet when I came down to see him. She seemed like a genuinely nice person and I know her and her brother were good friends with my ex-boyfriend(It feels so weird to call him that). Out of anger (its been happening a lot) I texted him to say "Nice rebound". No response until the next day. Then again.. I got the "leave me alone" text. As well as "I don't want to be a part of your life in any way". Well, honeysuckle. I don't want to be a part of my own life, either, at this point.
The last time I posted here, I believe was over a year ago. I was scared shitless because I thought I was going to break up with my boyfriend whom I was dating for over three years. An online relationship... Because those were the only things I was good at creating. Relationships in general were the only things I cared about. Finding love, because there I thought I could find my happiness and myself. Trying to wrap myself into another person so he could help me find whatever was missing in my life. Nevermind anything else happening in the "real world". Nevermind finally going back to school and getting a decent education to better myself. No. I just needed love. That's all people really want, right? Humans. Another human to bury yourself into, so you could find ground to exist. At least that's how I felt.. and I probably still do feel that way. The most important thing for me was to be happy. To find love, and share my love with someone I felt comfortable with. And I did, for the most part. I felt comfortable opening the cracks inside in my head to him. I wanted those voids filled and I wanted to fill his. And I feel as though we did, but that wasn't enough. It isn't in this world. Why do we do it to ourselves? We all die and rot in the ground and nothing here lasts forever.
To maybe make more sense, the 21st of December, I broke up with my long-time boyfriend. Not that anything crazy happened. We had an argument. Just the usual bullshit couples sometimes pull with each other. Mostly due to stress and for us, lack of contact. We agreed, for the most part, that we maybe should of spent some time apart. Although, to be honest, I didn't want to do such a thing right at the holidays and isn't that a time to forget everything and just be? Anyway... I ended up letting stress and built up anger inside me to grow to the point where I could not hold it in anymore. And something snapped. I snapped. I was so angry at him for being this way towards me. I loved him, yes. But there was a part of me that needed more from him. I wanted to grow together. I wanted us to talk through everything. Being a typical girl.. I LOVE emotions. I love talking about them and feeling them... and, being immature and sometimes unsure and wrong. (Yep, I was wrong!!!) I liked to provoke them. I exploded. I don't remember all that was said, because I feel like when I am angry, I don't act like my true self. I get more crazy than I should be and let the heat of the moment take over. I called him names. Nothing too close to home. Just "you're a piece of honeysuckle" "you're selfish" (And oh, I was, too! I know! I know!) "you don't care about me" "how can you do this so close to christmas?!?!" I broke up with him and he didn't do much, honestly. I think when I got to my mad points, I scared him away. Which was totally wrong on my part. I had no intentions of making him afraid of me, or not want to be around me. I wanted him closer. But looking back on it all, I know I am at fault. And maybe not because I'm some psycho ***** with no heart... but because I never got help, or addressed any issues I had even before I met him. Issues that had nothing to do with him. He was a good guy. Had some trouble opening up. He was immature, but in a way that I found so adorable. He was a typical guy in that sense. And that's something about him that I feel almost everyone on this planet has issues with. Putting trust into someone or something. And being how I acted, it's not hard to see why he'd doubt wanting to share more with me. We all got our problems, and sometimes ours show more than others.
The thing is with him... It was like he knew how to be happy. He made himself happy by burying any pain or distracting himself from it. He has all these interests and hobbies. Things to do. A home. He grew up in the same house his entire life. Has the same friends and familiars around him. I never had any of those things. I grew up moving in and out of different places. Constantly having to make new friends and switch schools. Losing myself in the process. And I feel as though he has always had himself and his familiars and that made it easier for him to go through life. At least easier than it was for me. Being a person who hates changes and being forced into them. As I think more about it, maybe that's why he was so appealing to me. He was happy for the most part and he knew just what to do to get there. And I wanted so desperately to be a part of that..
After our fight.. He blocked me, again, off Facebook. (oh no, my life is over) I texted him and he repeatedly told me to leave him alone. I did. It was a few days before Christmas and I sent out his gift in the mail the same day we broke up. Hoping that if I gave him some space, and waited for him to get his gift in the mail, he'd text me, call me, message me. Something. As I waited, I distracted myself by spending time with my friend and doing other "time by myself" things. It was late at night, I believe on the 26th, I was lonely, bored and wishing he'd talk to me, when I decided to look at one of his friend's facebook pages. There I noticed she was in a relationship. It took me a moment to realize it was with him... They started dating two DAYS after we broke up.
Now, I was in shock. I knew who this girl was from long before. She was actually someone I wanted to meet when I came down to see him. She seemed like a genuinely nice person and I know her and her brother were good friends with my ex-boyfriend(It feels so weird to call him that). Out of anger (its been happening a lot) I texted him to say "Nice rebound". No response until the next day. Then again.. I got the "leave me alone" text. As well as "I don't want to be a part of your life in any way". Well, honeysuckle. I don't want to be a part of my own life, either, at this point.
