Chemistry - can you create it with anyone?

[TheSkaFish]

I do though. Right now, in all honesty, I have big dreams but don't have very much to show for myself. I dream of becoming a creative, intelligent, healthy, interesting, exciting person full of great ideas, but in actuality, I am 27, jobless, living at home, and not very good at anything, let alone anything that actually interests me. I dug my own grave because I was pessimistic about my chances all my life. I thought people just got what they got and that there was nothing they could do to move up to a better life. I believed that if you weren't some kind of super-talented, super-intelligent genetic freak, you were just screwed, and having never been a natural at anything, I thought that was what I was - screwed. So I never had much enthusiasm for my own life.

Then I started meeting people that said it was possible to "change your spots". I started thinking, I don't have to be this negative, depressed, low-energy, uncreative, dumb, angry guy that is stuck in a mediocre life. And I started meeting girls who embodied everything I wanted in a woman, all in one person. Before them, no one really stuck out from the crowd. No one has since then, either. I wondered if anyone ever would. It blew my mind that my dream girls were actually real, that it wasn't just a fantasy. And with this idea that I don't just have to accept the hand I'm dealt, then it became really important to me to get good enough at life to be aligned with my dream girls. Not only that, but on the other end - the people I'm in alignment with right now are really dull, they would just encourage me to go back to negativity - life's a chore, you're lucky or you're not, you are either a winner or you just have to take what you can get. It kills me that I came so close yet so far away - if anything is possible in this world to people who are smart enough to figure it out, then I just have to learn. These girls made me feel alive, yet now, unless can change myself and learn how to create chemistry, all I'll get is someone just like everyone else - lukewarm. I want my eventual relationship to be like everything else that I want my life to be - exciting, vibrant, fun.

I just feel, we have one life to get everything right. Some people do, and their lives are incredible. But I'm terrified that I'm already doomed to mediocrity, to being a loser. I'm scared that I won't figure it out in time, and all the girls I like will be taken forever when it didn't have to be that way if I'd only been smarter and more fun myself. Then I'll either be doomed to be alone or in some average relationship with someone who doesn't make me feel happy about it, but they're just all I can get. I am on mostly friendly terms with the girls I like but I wish I knew a surefire way to escalate it. I had hoped to learn to create chemistry, because I don't trust random chance to deliver me someone that I actually want. It hasn't yet. I don't want to be the kind of person who just learns to accept what they're given, I'd hoped to learn to take more control over what my life will be.

I don't mean to sound arrogant and I'm willing to do whatever work I have to do. I just want to be one of the ones who gets to be what they want and gets what they want from life - I want to be the kind of guy who gets to be with the girls I like, instead of someone who has to settle for someone who doesn't really excite me.

 

[Littlesecret]

I don't think chemistry can be created per se because it's a subconscious complex emotion. I think compatibility can be created (I wouldn't suggest it because you would be lying you yourself) which could possibly lead to chemistry, but to create chemistry you would have to spend a while trying to trick your brain through pavlovian conditioning, the placebo effect or some other brain tricking method.
So I don't think that makes it real chemistry, or does it?

 

[TheSkaFish]

I guess I should try to create compatibility then. I know you said you don't suggest it, but I'm open to learn how to life-hack in any way that's possible.

 

[Littlesecret]

I guess I should try to create compatibility then. I know you said you don't suggest it, but I'm open to learn how to life-hack in any way that's possible.

I don't think you should settle out of fear of being alone, you are only 27!
In relationships I think there is an amount of comprising that has to go on for the success of it but to change who you are will doom it before it has begun.
Apparently chemistry last only 1-3 years before it starts to wear off and all you really have left is compatibility, so please don't change yourself lol.
No matter if it's chemistry or compatibility let it come naturally otherwise you will just be tricking yourself into liking someone that is not right for you.
So disregard my first post lol, sleepy minds make terrible posts.

 

[SofiasMami]

I guess I should try to create compatibility then. I know you said you don't suggest it, but I'm open to learn how to life-hack in any way that's possible.

How about being the best person you can be, by your own definition, not someone else's. By the way, being the best you can be is a lifelong process, not a destination.
If you try to come up with a formula for chemistry you'll fall down a rabbit hole. Matters of the heart are rarely logical. When I've had a spark with someone, it wasn't planned or contrived, it happened spontaneously.

-Teresa

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[Gravely]

I guess I need to change myself then. Right now, as I am, I'm incapable of creating chemistry. My personality clicks with no one, let alone anyone I actually want to click with.

You will be miserable if you do that. After a certain point, your nature will kick in and you'll end it. Being with people you don't have chemistry with isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong about that. You think all of these married people are changing themselves or having chemistry. They just fall in love regardless, and it isn't always a bad thing. You can explore new perspectives with people you don't fully mesh with, and not meshing with people doesn't mean you will lock horns all the time. The saying that opposites attract is true and it can result in fun times. Looking for chemistry with no experience with love is like skipping trying weed and shooting 10cc's of heroin your first time. It's the dream of a greater euphoria making you trip over your own feet.

I had great experiences with girls I had chemistry with, but those relationships ended the worst. There is a such thing as having too much in common, it's like combating yourself. But in the beginning, those were my best relationships. It was fun, I was a god. But don't expect pampered goddesses-- those girls are vapid. The one you will click with the most may be somewhat cute in passing, but never the most attractive. It's never the girl you think you want the most, but when chemistry is set in motion, they might as well be goddesses.

 

[blackdot]

Women have a bad habit of demanding "instant chemistry" when it comes to meeting someone.
I have no idea what chemistry is. I asked some guys once what it was and one said the only thing he knew about chemistry that was related to dating was chloroform.

 

[jaguarundi]

Unfortunately you might think you click with someone, but they don't feel the same way. I think this is the OP's problem. Whilst attempting to change everything about himself to suit that girl might work, like chloroform, it might wear off.

Either she feels it or she doesn't, skishy baby. You can't make her.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

That chemistry thing is a fickle beast- I just discovered this week that there's chemistry between a co-worker and I that I didn't realize was there. She's waited six weeks for an opportunity to let me know I've caught her attention....I'd thought about asking her out but opted not too as I didn't want to be some guy at work hitting on her. The five hours we spent talking in the park tonight has been one of the most forthright, interesting, and soul-baring conversations I've had in years, there's definitely chemistry there!

To answer your question Ska, yes, I believe so....

 

[9006]

I imagine this is something that's spontaneous. Any effort to force it would probably end in a negative way.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Hmm. I just think, it's all some kind of game. I mean, people have gone from poor to rich, fat to in shape, weak to strong, dumb to smart, dull to creative, and so on, so why not unattractive to attractive? There's got to be a way to game the system. If I am unattractive to someone I want to be attractive to, that means that who I am isn't that great, otherwise I wouldn't have this problem. So that's why I'm open to changing who I am - because obviously, who I am isn't working. Who I am mostly attracts no one, and the few and far between times it has, it's been no one even close to what I want.

"Chemistry" must be triggered by some kind of stimulus. It sends a signal that you are a sexual being. If I haven't done this, then I've inadvertently sent her a signal that I am weak and ineffectual. I'm sending the wrong signal. Kind of like a translation, where you think you are saying hello to someone in a foreign language, but you accidentally curse them out instead.

The problem is, I've accidentally convinced her I'm one thing, when I want to convey that I am another. It makes me think - what about trying to re-set who I am in her mind by going away for a while and getting to know her later? Might that work? Have any of you tried it?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Hmm. I just think, it's all some kind of game. I mean, people have gone from poor to rich, fat to in shape, weak to strong, dumb to smart, dull to creative, and so on, so why not unattractive to attractive? There's got to be a way to game the system. If I am unattractive to someone I want to be attractive to, that means that who I am isn't that great, otherwise I wouldn't have this problem. So that's why I'm open to changing who I am - because obviously, who I am isn't working. Who I am mostly attracts no one, and the few and far between times it has, it's been no one even close to what I want.

"Chemistry" must be triggered by some kind of stimulus. It sends a signal that you are a sexual being. If I haven't done this, then I've inadvertently sent her a signal that I am weak and ineffectual. I'm sending the wrong signal. Kind of like a translation, where you think you are saying hello to someone in a foreign language, but you accidentally curse them out instead.

The problem is, I've accidentally convinced her I'm one thing, when I want to convey that I am another. It makes me think - what about trying to re-set who I am in her mind by going away for a while and getting to know her later? Might that work? Have any of you tried it?

Or maybe your taste in women isn't that great....Dude, seriously, if they don't accept you as you are, they aren't worth your time. Changing yourself for someone else is a bad idea. I've done it and the ONLY thing you will accomplish is resenting that person and yourself.

If you want to change, change for YOURSELF, not for someone else...especially someone you likely haven't even met yet.
If it's for the girl you've been talking about. Just give it up and move on, it's likely just not going to happen.

You say that you convinced her that you are one thing when you wanted to CONVEY another....does that mean you want her to believe you are something you are not?

 

[jaguarundi]

It is not a game. It isn't about being weak or strong, attractive or not. The difference between being friends and enjoying each others company, and wanting more, can be completely intangible.

How many times have you actually met the girl in person, so that you could touch her, hold her hand, so that she could lean on your shoulder? Once? Twice? Every week?

Stuff like that helps decide if someone wants more. I seem to recall that this was an online romance, so even if you get on well digitally, and even by Skype, it is not the same as meeting up. And even people who b seem OK online can meet and find no spark in person.

Yes, leave the girl alone for a while. For a long while. She is with someone else anyway, isn't she? Physically from what I remember you have previously posted.

Skishy, you don't want to hear this, you never have wanted to hear it. But one more time, I have to say, stpp dreaming, grow up and get real. The chances of you ever getting her are slim. Possibly non existant.

Get over her, get a job, and in time find someone else. Sorry babes, but honestly, you are being a nit if you keep on with this.

 

[Solivagant]

"Chemistry" must be triggered by some kind of stimulus. It sends a signal that you are a sexual being.

So are you talking specifically about 'sexual chemistry'? Because chemistry to me has nothing to do with being sexual. You can have chemistry with friends. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, for example, have chemistry. As Gravely said, it's about how well your personality meshes with and complements another's personality.

For some people it's a rare thing. I get along with people, but I've only had what I would consider chemistry with maybe 2 people in my life. Maybe you just haven't met someone you really mesh with, because you don't seem to know what chemistry is like.

In my opinion, it can't be manufactured and it won't happen if you're not being authentic. It's not a "game" or "system" or equation. People who have chemistry are (on the whole) totally comfortable with each other, so if you're not feeling comfortable being yourself with someone then you're probably not experiencing chemistry.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

You're getting great feedback from people here dude. The absolute best 'chemistry' is made when you encounter someone who's attracted to who you are and you with them. That's when it's real- trying to force it by being something you're not is gonna lead to a train-wreck later on.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Maybe you just haven't met someone you really mesh with, because you don't seem to know what chemistry is like...People who have chemistry are (on the whole) totally comfortable with each other, so if you're not feeling comfortable being yourself with someone then you're probably not experiencing chemistry.

That's just it though. "Meshing" is exactly the word she used to describe us. She'd say that we meshed so well. I felt like I could be completely comfortable and honest being myself with her. Come to think of it that was probably the problem. I think I complained too much to her about things, and came off as pessimistic about life. She had been having a hard time then as well, and I guess we kind of slipped into commiserating sometimes. Had I been confident and optimistic about life and my abilities, things may have gone differently.

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I just think that everything in life breaks down to cause and effect, input and output. Things don't just happen for no reason. The more I think about it, maybe part of the problem is that my taste in women reflects where I want to be, as opposed to where I actually am. I admit, I've been a loser for many years. I haven't been doing too much with my life, haven't really cultivated a rich identity. I don't have much appeal because I'm not that interesting. Therefore, the only girls I would have much chance in physically attracting are not that interesting themselves. Like attracts like, hence my frustration.

However, I have no intention of going through the rest of my life playing the role of a loser. I mean, is there even such thing as a "real you", or is it just an idea of who you think you are, a set of habits and a story we keep telling ourselves but one we could change at any time? I'm working on cultivating a more vibrant identity all the time by doing more things, trying to get good at stuff, trying to have more interesting thoughts and things to talk about. By trying to build more confidence in myself that I too can make a good life. This is why I have no problems changing, because "being myself" means continuing to be a loser instead of getting better. I want to be something other than what I am right now, so I can get somewhere that I can't get right now. I only hope it's possible to change how someone sees me, who has already known me for a while.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Maybe you just haven't met someone you really mesh with, because you don't seem to know what chemistry is like...People who have chemistry are (on the whole) totally comfortable with each other, so if you're not feeling comfortable being yourself with someone then you're probably not experiencing chemistry.

That's just it though. "Meshing" is exactly the word she used to describe us. She'd say that we meshed so well. I felt like I could be completely comfortable and honest being myself with her. Come to think of it that was probably the problem. I think I complained too much to her about things, and came off as pessimistic about life. She had been having a hard time then as well, and I guess we kind of slipped into commiserating sometimes. Had I been confident and optimistic about life and my abilities, things may have gone differently.

---

I just think that everything in life breaks down to cause and effect, input and output. Things don't just happen for no reason. The more I think about it, maybe part of the problem is that my taste in women reflects where I want to be, as opposed to where I actually am. I admit, I've been a loser for many years. I haven't been doing too much with my life, haven't really cultivated a rich identity. I don't have much appeal because I'm not that interesting. Therefore, the only girls I would have much chance in physically attracting are not that interesting themselves. Like attracts like, hence my frustration.

However, I have no intention of going through the rest of my life playing the role of a loser. I mean, is there even such thing as a "real you", or is it just an idea of who you think you are, a set of habits and a story we keep telling ourselves but one we could change at any time? I'm working on cultivating a more vibrant identity all the time by doing more things, trying to get good at stuff, trying to have more interesting thoughts and things to talk about. By trying to build more confidence in myself that I too can make a good life. This is why I have no problems changing, because "being myself" means continuing to be a loser instead of getting better. I want to be something other than what I am right now, so I can get somewhere that I can't get right now. I only hope it's possible to change how someone sees me, who has already known me for a while.

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Opposites attract too, but that's not really why I chose to your post.

You can only be a LOSER if you perceive yourself to be one. If you feel you are a loser, you will be. If you start acting and treating yourself like you are NOT a loser...Which I doubt you are. Don't much like that word and don't really believe in the implications it places on people...you won't be one.

As for this thread. The more you talk, the more it seems like you want to control every aspect of what happens. You can't do that and if you try, you most likely won't like the type of person it makes you become. I said it before, I said it again, you are entirely too focused on girls and getting the one that didn't want you. Give up your ideas of what you think you want and give people a chance. Don't put labels on them, don't put labels on yourself. Go out, have a good time with new people and see where it leads you. Let your body and heart decide who you mesh with and have chemistry with, stop letting your mind tell you what you want.

 

[WishingWell]

I believe chemistry between two people is either there or becomes obvious after you start to get to know each other. I know I could not force myself to be emotionally or physically attracted to a person that I would like to be in a relationship with no matter what. I also wouldn't let a relationship begin if I am not sexually attracted to a man. I would make sure he knows that we never will be anything but friends, as soon as I am sure of that and the subject comes up. I hate when someone leads someone else on to let them down. As far as chemistry between two people that only want to be friends, I think, like I said, they will know after only a short while how they feel. As time goes on, and they know more and more about each other, and they see how each of them act or react in/to many different circumstances, will determine how close they will get. That is where honesty and trustworthiness comes in. I couldn't be friends with someone who told others things I told him/her in confidence, and I certainly would not betray a friend by doing that either.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I absolutely do want to control things, because when I see people who get what they want from life, I don't think it happens by accident. They know how to make things happen their way and they don't have to compromise. That's what I've always dreamed of being. But for most people, rejection and settling for less is the story of their lives. I want to control things because I don't want to have to live like that. I guess I'll just have to become a different person and keep on trying.

 

[VanillaCreme]

How do you even create chemistry in the first place?

The thing about it is, I don't think "chemistry" can be "created" ... It's not something that can be fabricated, or else it just wouldn't be chemistry. It wouldn't be natural if it's forced.