Chemistry - can you create it with anyone?

[TheRealCallie]

If I may ask, why? I'm serious. Why reject them if they weren't losers?

When I think of why I wouldn't consider someone, it's only because their looks aren't exciting or that they are not interesting to talk to. Or both. Either way, there's always a real reason.

Are you implying that anyone who you don't find attractive or interesting is a loser? The women around you who you described as "drab in appearance and interests", would you define them as losers? Do you have any female friends? If you do, do you consider them to be losers because they're friends and not girlfriends?

Just because you're not romantically attracted to someone does not mean they are a loser Just because this girl you're hung up on doesn't want to be with you does not mean you're a loser. It means she's not attracted to you. She is under no obligation to be attracted to you, no matter what you do or what you change.

Well...hell with it. Change you're personality, the way you walk, talk and dress. Change your physical appearance if you can. Change your job and get a new car. Change it all, or whatever you want, just to get some girl to like you. There's a very good chance that she won't want to be with you no matter what you do, but you're determined to learn that the hard way. It would be much better for you if you found a woman who liked you for who you are. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you find true love.

Do you realize what this actually comes down to? You don't like yourself. It has nothing to do with how this girl feels about you. If you liked yourself even a little, you would understand that there's a girl out there who likes you and wants to be with you, and you would search for her.

I honestly wish that you would get to that issue. If you want help or advice with whatever it is that you dislike about yourself so much, you would find an endless amount of support on this forum. I can promise you that. Instead, you seem determined to change yourself to fit some imaginary ideal. An ideal that I very much doubt is honest or realistic. If you go down that road, you will become someone who constantly hates yourself. Every time you disappoint yourself or face rejection, that hate will deepen. You will never live up to your own expectations.

It would be so much healthier for you if you learned to like yourself for who you are right now and go from there.

This more or less. I find MANY people interesting and exciting, but that doesn't mean I would want to be romantically involved with all of them. I like to have friends, as well. Does that mean I also think all the WOMEN that have asked me out are losers because I wouldn't date them either?

Also, I want to add that all the crap you're saying is a cop out. They are excuses so you can stay in denial about how you feel about yourself, as Locke said. It's so much easier to blame everyone else, so you don't have to look at yourself. I would really recommend fixing that.
It's your life, do whatever you want, but very few women are going to get into a relationship with a man that controls everything from the start. Also, people are more observant than you think, if you put on an act and try to make them see something you're not, very few will want anything to do with you.

---

So why are you drawn to immature young women who will reject you for a bad-boy type of guy?

So wait, just because a girl chooses a "bad boy" type, that means they are immature? Sorry, but no...it doesn't work that way.

The rest of what you say, I agree with, but not this statement.

 

[TheSkaFish]

The thing is, it never starts out that way. The girls I tend to like are nothing like the scum they wind up with. They're always beautiful, intelligent, funny, creative, and adventurous. They make me feel alive. And we tend to have enough in common that we get on pretty well, conversationally. This goes on for a long time, so it really isn't clear that they don't consider me boyfriend material. They act like we understand each other and want the same things out of life - significance, success, adventure, stories. They act like we are truly connecting, like they understand me and like me for me. It makes me feel I have a chance.

Then it always inevitably ends the same way and I get so angry and sad. And I never see it coming.

It's not that I want to prove that I can't win. Quite the opposite. I want to prove that I can. I want to be able to compete against a "bad boy" at something meaningful and valuable now, when something I want is on the line - and utterly crush him. See how you like it, ******. You know? It just gets me so angry when life bends over backwards for people like that, yet denies someone like me, who isn't out to rob or cheat, who just wants a good life.

So maybe that's what I hate about myself. I feel like I can't break through this ceiling of "average", no matter what I do. The thought of having to settle, of average being the best I can get in any pursuit in life, enrages me. That's why it angers me when everyone is like, "just find the girl who wants you". The girls I like have all the traits I desire, but I can almost guarantee that the kind of girl who would like me is completely un-impressive in every way. I want a Corvette, but everyone is telling me to just settle for a Prius. So instead of getting what I want and actually being happy, the best i can do is find someone who likes me and pretend to be happy. I just don't get the real thing, in my one life. Goddamn. Don't get me wrong - I know that to get anything good you have to work for it. But right now I don't even feel like it's possible. I want to know that I can get what's good in life - not what is just okay, not the leftovers that the "badasses" don't want. I want to know I can compete and win when it counts.

Unfortunately it seems I don't know the first thing about being a viable competitor. So here I am once again, sad, angry, and defeated. I'm just so tired of this outcome. I am just so ******* tired of being the one who has to "move on". Just for once in my life I'd love to make the other guy move on, when it actually counts. I'd rub it in too. Yea, that's right. Just "move on" you ******* druggie honeysuckle. I win, you lose so suck on that. Man. Just ONCE.

 

[ardour]

The thing is, it never starts out that way. The girls I tend to like are nothing like the scum they wind up with. They're always beautiful, intelligent, funny, creative, and adventurous. They make me feel alive. And we tend to have enough in common that we get on pretty well, conversationally. This goes on for a long time, so it really isn't clear that they don't consider me boyfriend material. They act like we understand each other and want the same things out of life - significance, success, adventure, stories. They act like we are truly connecting, like they understand me and like me for me. It makes me feel I have a chance.

Then it always inevitably ends the same way and I get so angry and sad. And I never see it coming.

It's not that I want to prove that I can't win. Quite the opposite. I want to prove that I can. I want to be able to compete against a "bad boy" at something meaningful and valuable now, when something I want is on the line - and utterly crush him. See how you like it, ******. You know? It just gets me so angry when life bends over backwards for people like that, yet denies someone like me, who isn't out to rob or cheat, who just wants a good life.

So maybe that's what I hate about myself. I feel like I can't break through this ceiling of "average", no matter what I do. The thought of having to settle, of average being the best I can get in any pursuit in life, enrages me. That's why it angers me when everyone is like, "just find the girl who wants you". The girls I like have all the traits I desire, but I can almost guarantee that the kind of girl who would like me is completely un-impressive in every way. I want a Corvette, but everyone is telling me to just settle for a Prius. So instead of getting what I want and actually being happy, the best i can do is find someone who likes me and pretend to be happy. I just don't get the real thing, in my one life. Goddamn. Don't get me wrong - I know that to get anything good you have to work for it. But right now I don't even feel like it's possible. I want to know that I can get what's good in life - not what is just okay, not the leftovers that the "badasses" don't want. I want to know I can compete and win when it counts.

Unfortunately it seems I don't know the first thing about being a viable competitor. So here I am once again, sad, angry, and defeated. I'm just so tired of this outcome. I am just so ******* tired of being the one who has to "move on". Just for once in my life I'd love to make the other guy move on, when it actually counts. I'd rub it in too. Yea, that's right. Just "move on" you ******* druggie honeysuckle. I win, you lose so suck on that. Man. Just ONCE.

You realize women are reading these comments and offering you advice, right?

You idolize certain women and I'm betting looks have much to do with it.

Some more advice;... the way you speak about women doesn't reflect well on you. It's obnoxious to dismiss people as plain or boring "leftovers", particularly if you want to come across as one of the good ones.

These women you adore have had men idealize and attempt to 'connect' with them their entire adult lives. Even I know this. They're sick of it, and you're probably nothing special.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Some more advice;... the way you speak about women doesn't reflect well on you. It's obnoxious to dismiss people as plain or boring "leftovers", particularly if you want to come across as one of the good ones.

I have to agree with this. Because what I'm reading, your words are very harsh. And you may want to take that into consideration the next time something doesn't work out for you.

 

[Batman55]

So why are you drawn to immature young women who will reject you for a bad-boy type of guy?

So wait, just because a girl chooses a "bad boy" type, that means they are immature? Sorry, but no...it doesn't work that way.

The rest of what you say, I agree with, but not this statement.

I really just wish you two would get along better.

.. now, back on point

---

For the OP, if you're an average person, you can't expect to be with someone who's simply out of your league. Stick to your league.

 

[TheSkaFish]

First off, if I did stick to "my league" it would be terrible and I would still be very angry and moody. The girls that are in it....what can I say? When I tell it like it is, I get demonized. But if I said they were beautiful and interesting and adventurous and unique, I'd be lying. There's no way I could be genuinely attracted to someone like that, there's no way they could fulfill me. But I don't believe in the "league" system. I think it's a false, and what's more, a defeatist idea. How has it served you? And even if I am average today then I will devote the rest of my life to breaking out. Stuff like this doesn't have to stay the same you know. I still believe there is no real "you" and that you can be whatever you want.

Looks have something to do with the women I desire, yes. But they were also fascinating, cultured, intelligent people with lots of energy. They were truly alive.

You can only get rejected and overlooked so much before it really starts to jade you, and turn you into an angry person. It's because things keep on not working out for me that has made me so harsh and negative. Especially when you thought you were finally learning something, were finally breaking through and you thought things were starting to go your way. It's insulting and infuriating and I'm just so fed up with things going this way for me. Why, why the hell can't I learn to be the kind of guy who gets to choose. It's my one life, and instead of being happy I'm going to have to go through it either outwardly angry or just give up on life and put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine when inside I'm crushed and wishing I could do my life over so I could have been someone else who gets to live better or wishing someone would take me away but that someone will never arrive. That's going to be my one experience.

You might as well close or delete this thread. I started it wanting to learn, but then it just turned into a vent. I don't think anyone is going to get anything useful or worthwhile out of this.

 

[Ymir]

It's ultimately your choice to be mad and angry at this, to be honest.

I have to agree with what others have said about the way you talk about women being quite insulting. Hell, if you apply that to people in general, it's fairly insulting. The dichotomy you create between the women you want and the women who are boring is stopping you from giving people a chance. It's almost objetification, actually, because you write as if though romantic love from women is something you "get" from women you want, like they have no agency of their own and they are a machine that you put in the right coins and love comes out of it (you went as far as comparing women to cars) instead of being something that happens when the time and circumstances are right, and you can only try until such thing happens.

Something tells me that if you want to fix your life, you should take a look at your attitude first.

 

[TheSkaFish]

It's ultimately your choice to be mad and angry at this, to be honest.

I have to agree with what others have said about the way you talk about women being quite insulting. Hell, if you apply that to people in general, it's fairly insulting. The dichotomy you create between the women you want and the women who are boring is stopping you from giving people a chance. It's almost objetification, actually, because you write as if though romantic love from women is something you "get" from women you want, like they have no agency of their own and they are a machine that you put in the right coins and love comes out of it (you went as far as comparing women to cars) instead of being something that happens when the time and circumstances are right, and you can only try until such thing happens.

Something tells me that if you want to fix your life, you should take a look at your attitude first.

It's just, how can I not be angry when I know that there are guys out there who don't have to just accept whoever likes them. They don't have to fix their attitude, they don't have to fake being happy with less. They get to pick. They get to have a good experience, and I don't. I get one life. And unless something exceptional happens, I won't get to experience a relationship that I am actually glad to have. Wonderful.

 

[ardour]

It's almost objetification, actually, because you write as if though romantic love from women is something you "get" from women you want, like they have no agency of their own and they are a machine that you put in the right coins and love comes out of it (you went as far as comparing women to cars) instead of being something that happens when the time and circumstances are right, and you can only try until such thing happens.

Something tells me that if you want to fix your life, you should take a look at your attitude first.

^. Stuck in an adolescent phase where the right women - invariably more physically attractive - are idealized as perfect, can do no wrong, and assumed to have all these other positive traits, while the plainer looking aren't given a second thought. There's nothing wrong with having standards or wanting someone you're attracted to, but this is too much...

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . .

You can only get rejected and overlooked so much before it really starts to jade you, and turn you into an angry person. It's because things keep on not working out for me that has made me so harsh and negative.

. . .

You might as well close or delete this thread. I started it wanting to learn, but then it just turned into a vent. I don't think anyone is going to get anything useful or worthwhile out of this.

Things not working out how you'd like really isn't the issue. It's your outlook on things in life. While I agree that rejection can dampen (and it's only natural for many people) someone's mood, it's really how they respond to it that makes things better or worse. Before I said that I didn't understand how you were single, but now... I know. I know, from what I've read, that it's you doing to others what you feel others do to you. Reject. Overlook. You limit yourself to potential loves because you have this overwhelming sense of perfection.

If you wish for this thread to be closed, I will close it for you. But before you toss the advice (good or bad) that you've received in this thread that you've created, understand that there is no perfection. It's not in spite of, but regardless when it comes to liking someone. Perfection is when you see past all the blemishes we all have and carry, physically or otherwise.

 

[jaguarundi]

As the OP knows, I believe a bit of a vent is good, but going around and around and back to the same old stuff like a dog returning to its vomit is not useful, and it makes him more depressed and angry.

I think the OP is not meaning to belittle any advice he has got from anyone here, but rather to try and close off his own negative thought spiral about 'the girl' so he can concentrate on more productive things right now.

 

[TheRealCallie]

So why are you drawn to immature young women who will reject you for a bad-boy type of guy?

So wait, just because a girl chooses a "bad boy" type, that means they are immature? Sorry, but no...it doesn't work that way.

The rest of what you say, I agree with, but not this statement.

I really just wish you two would get along better.

.. now, back on point

---

For the OP, if you're an average person, you can't expect to be with someone who's simply out of your league. Stick to your league.

---

So, I'm not allowed to disagree with someone now?
There is nothing disrespectful about my post, so maybe you should back off.

LEAGUES??? Are we seriously going there? I suppose I should have expected it, but ****....

First off, if I did stick to "my league" it would be terrible and I would still be very angry and moody. The girls that are in it....what can I say?

So, clearly you believe in the whole "league" crap....and by this sentence, it sounds like you think you are entitled to someone better than you think you deserve. How exactly does that work?

"The girls that are in it..." you don't give them a chance. You judge them because you seem to think they are BENEATH you.

It's just, how can I not be angry when I know that there are guys out there who don't have to just accept whoever likes them. They don't have to fix their attitude, they don't have to fake being happy with less. They get to pick. They get to have a good experience, and I don't. I get one life. And unless something exceptional happens, I won't get to experience a relationship that I am actually glad to have. Wonderful.

Okay, and we're back to the guys again. I'll ask again, since you never answered me the other times I asked.

Do you KNOW these guys you are talking about? Have you SEEN them use drugs? (hardcore drugs, not marijuana) It sounds to be like you are judging their moral character based on what they look like.
It is very unlikely, given your judgments of them, that you know anything about them. Some of the BEST people I know look like they are druggies and are covered in tats. Hell, they are also in a heavy metal band. It's not about what you look like on the outside. It's who you are on the INSIDE. Just because a person has a "bad boy" reputation does NOT mean they are a "bad boy" to a woman.
And actually, some of the WORST people I've dated look like perfectly normal men.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's not about what you look like on the outside. It's who you are on the INSIDE. Just because a person has a "bad boy" reputation does NOT mean they are a "bad boy" to a woman.

Callie, try not to take this thread personally. Words that are just itching to come from the tips of your fingers as they tap on your keyboard, believe me, I know. Sometimes, even if you could slap some sense into someone, it doesn't always work. But, I do agree with this. The image of a "bad boy" doesn't mean the guy is a bad person. We could stick a whole lot of labels on people; That doesn't mean we're always accurate.

 

[TheSkaFish]

LEAGUES??? Are we seriously going there? I suppose I should have expected it, but ****....

So, clearly you believe in the whole "league" crap....and by this sentence, it sounds like you think you are entitled to someone better than you think you deserve. How exactly does that work?

"The girls that are in it..." you don't give them a chance. You judge them because you seem to think they are BENEATH you.

I said, at the bottom of that paragraph, that I did not believe in the "league" system. I only said that IF I did follow that line of thinking, as many people do, then I wouldn't enjoy it. What would you have me do? Live in denial, putting on a fake smile and pretending I am fine with someone I am not? Glumly resign myself to being stuck in a situation that makes me miserable and give up on happiness? Again please don't call me entitled because again, I AM NOT AFRAID OF DOING THE WORK, OR TRYING TO AVOID IT. I'm only asking what work I need to do, how I too can join the ranks of the people that make things happen the way they'd like.

I don't think these girls are subhuman. I only think that they do not bring out my best. They encourage me to just roll over and let life pass me by because why bother, instead of trying to make something interesting out of life.

Okay, and we're back to the guys again. I'll ask again, since you never answered me the other times I asked.

Do you KNOW these guys you are talking about? Have you SEEN them use drugs? (hardcore drugs, not marijuana) It sounds to be like you are judging their moral character based on what they look like.
It is very unlikely, given your judgments of them, that you know anything about them. Some of the BEST people I know look like they are druggies and are covered in tats. Hell, they are also in a heavy metal band. It's not about what you look like on the outside. It's who you are on the INSIDE. Just because a person has a "bad boy" reputation does NOT mean they are a "bad boy" to a woman.
And actually, some of the WORST people I've dated look like perfectly normal men.

I was not even talking about that particular guy. I was just talking about guys who seem to be able to create attraction with anyone, and wishing I too could do that. When you see someone consistently get favorable results, then it's only natural to suppose that they must be doing something correct and on purpose. That's what I want to know.

BUT since you insist, yea. The guy is scum. How do I know? Because the girl told me about the situation. He sure didn't almost OD on marijuana, mushrooms, or LSD. And cause her a bunch of stress almost going to jail. But hey! He's a "badass", so it's no big deal! Just get a "tough guy" image and voila, nothing is too selfish, nothing is too stupid. The concept of "dealbreakers" goes out the window. Being a good guy is for suckers, yeah!

No, I don't like people with tattoos and that's my right. I don't like how the world bends over backwards for them and lets them take anything they want because they are so "cool", but tells guys like me who only want to learn to play a good game, to just be happy with what we're given, take it or leave it. Being too nice, being all "la la la everything is wonderful" is probably what got me rejected and overlooked in the first place.

Don't bother replying because I've asked that this thread be closed and deleted. It only re-ignites my rage. I'm done.

 

[TheRealCallie]

No, I don't like people with tattoos and that's my right. I don't like how the world bends over backwards for them and lets them take anything they want because they are so "cool", but tells guys like me who only want to learn to play a good game, to just be happy with what we're given, take it or leave it. Being too nice, being all "la la la everything is wonderful" is probably what got me rejected and overlooked in the first place.

I'm not saying you have to like people with tattoos, but don't judge someone based on some stereotype you have. The majority of the people I know have tats. One of whom is covered in tats and is a tattoo artist. He not only is a fantastic person, he holds events and gives to charity at EVERY opportunity he gets. He asks for NOTHING in return from anyone and does not keep any of the money that he makes. Every cent of it goes to charity. (and btw, he's far from rich) You can't judge a book by it's cover. And no, looking at the man, you wouldn't know that about him. Just goes to show that you should get to know a person before you judge them for superficial reasons.
People with tats have a harder time in life than you think, btw.

 

[TheSkaFish]

No, I don't like people with tattoos and that's my right. I don't like how the world bends over backwards for them and lets them take anything they want because they are so "cool", but tells guys like me who only want to learn to play a good game, to just be happy with what we're given, take it or leave it. Being too nice, being all "la la la everything is wonderful" is probably what got me rejected and overlooked in the first place.

I'm not saying you have to like people with tattoos, but don't judge someone based on some stereotype you have. The majority of the people I know have tats. One of whom is covered in tats and is a tattoo artist. He not only is a fantastic person, he holds events and gives to charity at EVERY opportunity he gets. He asks for NOTHING in return from anyone and does not keep any of the money that he makes. Every cent of it goes to charity. (and btw, he's far from rich) You can't judge a book by it's cover. And no, looking at the man, you wouldn't know that about him. Just goes to show that you should get to know a person before you judge them for superficial reasons.
People with tats have a harder time in life than you think, btw.

I guess that is nice and all. But at the same time, I still feel what I feel about "tough guys" and it angers me how the world kowtows to them. You know? The world just fawns over biker outlaws, gangbangers, and dealers, and spits on people who just want to make it in life and don't feel like putting up a "desperado" front, because it thinks we're too weak to do anything about being disrespected. People think that those of us who don't want to be "tough guys" are patsies. I just don't like it.

I'm burnt out on this. I'm done and just waiting for this thread to be deleted now.

 

[beautiful loser]

I'm just wondering if I should eat a slice of cake before dinner?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm just wondering if I should eat a slice of cake before dinner?

Yes

 

[beautiful loser]

Thank you RC, your "yes" is my command...commence to arguing people, as I have a slice of german chocolate cake with my name on it...see ya...........