Chemistry - can you create it with anyone?

[Solivagant]

This is why I have no problems changing, because "being myself" means continuing to be a loser instead of getting better.

Without going into all the reasons why you shouldn't call yourself a loser, "being yourself" doesn't mean giving up self-improvement. If you're a lazy *******, you shouldn't just keep being a lazy ******* because it's "who you are". That's not who anyone is at their best, and you should always strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be. (Reiterate: The best you, not the best someone else.) That is in your control. What's not in your control is who's going to feel chemistry with you.

It's not that there isn't room for betterment, but betterment does not give you control over what other people feel. You can improve your likeability to an extent, but that's not going to make everyone like you. You can improve your attractiveness to an extent, but that's not going to make everyone attracted to you.

I agree that most happenings are cause and effect, but that's not the same as saying you're in control of every cause and effect. I could list example upon example of this, but I doubt it would help anything.

That's just it though. "Meshing" is exactly the word she used to describe us. She'd say that we meshed so well. I felt like I could be completely comfortable and honest being myself with her. Come to think of it that was probably the problem. I think I complained too much to her about things, and came off as pessimistic about life. She had been having a hard time then as well, and I guess we kind of slipped into commiserating sometimes. Had I been confident and optimistic about life and my abilities, things may have gone differently.

I sympathize, I had a similar situation with my first love. I went through a severe trauma only months before meeting him, and he encouraged me to feel so comfortable talking to him about it that I think I may have talked about it too much. Eventually he left me for another woman, and I used to beat myself up over how I could have handled myself with him differently. It took me ages to move forward after that. As I said before I don't mesh with many people, and I thought I would never find someone else I would want to be with. Eight years later and I finally have.

Is this woman what this whole thread is basically about? Because if you say you already had chemistry with her, then "creating chemistry" is unnecessary and has nothing to do with it really. It sounds like what you really want is just to figure out how to get another go at the relationship, which I'm sorry to say, is very unlikely to happen, especially now that she is with someone else. (And even if it did, it'd be likely to turn out the same way.) Without knowing many details, I think it'd be better for you to let her go and find someone who wants you as much as you want them. You're selling yourself short otherwise. You may think there is no one else out there you could like as much, but I assure you there is. I think part of the problem is that you're worrying too much about how and where and when and if you'll find them, and it bothers you that you don't know; so you're putting all your focus on this one woman instead, because she exists in more than just your daydreams and has a face that you can put to all those qualities you love and want in a person. She's a more tangible "goal" for you than a woman you haven't met yet. You seem to be feeling directionless in life right now, and in a way, I think that concentrating on her so much makes you feel less lost.



Edit: I have said this to others, but I think it fits here too. The reason authenticity is so important is because masks come down over time. If people are in a long-term relationship (living together, married, or even just friends for many years), there will come a point when filters will dissolve, people will stop trying to impress each other and revert to their most natural, comfortable personality and habits. This is often the point at which relationships that began with inauthenticity fall apart, because "true colors" are shown and people start to feel like they ended up with a different person than they thought. It is my opinion that if you hope to have a successful relationship down the road, it is best to be your genuine self from the beginning, even if it's much harder (or seemingly impossible) to find someone who is attracted to you. Others may disagree, but that is how I feel about it.

 

[TheSkaFish]

She is certainly a part of what this thread is about. I want to learn how to create chemistry so that one day I can create it with her. I want show her that I'm still everything she liked about me but I'm better now, and I fixed all the bad stuff. I want to show her that I could be good for her. I want to show her I've got what it takes to have a worthwhile and fun relationship.

I'd very much like another chance at a relationship with her, and am willing to ride out her current relationship as long as it takes. One thing I am confident in is that I know that with a little work, I can be a worlds-better guy than the one she's with. I just keep telling myself that this relationship could very well end and that I just have to wait and work on me.

I just don't understand why when someone makes a decision about someone, that it has to be so final. It makes me so unbelievably angry, when scumbags can be with anyone they choose and I can't pick too. That's what I want to be in this life - a person of choice. Not a loser who has to "move on" and take whatever dregs float their way. Why is it unlikely that I will get a chance at a relationship with her though? If I stop doing whatever I was doing wrong and do more of what I should have been doing, why wouldn't that be enough? Being a guy, personality and confidence is more important than looks so if I get the right personality, shouldn't that do the trick? I don't think my looks are the problem anyway so it's most likely my attitude. But if I can show her I have what it takes now, I don't see why I have to be trashcanned forever.

I'd say my personality right now is pessimistic and angry, but this is because I haven't been getting what I want. If I had, I'd be a completely different person. I'm lazy because I can't shake this feeling that no matter what I do, I won't get what I want. This is in terms of women, money, hobbies, everything. I feel that I'll never break away from "average", and it makes me so frustrated because I want a good life, not average, average sucks. I can see how that is undesirable, but life keeps proving me right so I don't know what to do. I know this was part of the problem - she didn't like my pessimism and didn't like how I wasn't doing anything with my life, how I wasn't getting anywhere on my dreams. And while she did try to cheer me up and help me out with things, she probably didn't find that attractive.

Finding someone else, besides, won't be that easy. There are only 2 other girls I've met that I would like about the same as her, and it would be at least as hard to be with them too. That's why it's so important for me to learn how to create chemistry with anyone - because there are so few girls that have what I want, so few times that it counts. Most girls just don't leave any impression on me, no looks, no personality/interests, nothing. They're just completely bland and boring. And there's just no way I could be happy with someone that I know I'd leave in an instant if my crush ever changed her mind.

She's just not replaceable. She really excited and fascinated me, and just made me feel good in a way no regular girl could compare to.

 

[ardour]

That's just it though. "Meshing" is exactly the word she used to describe us. She'd say that we meshed so well. I felt like I could be completely comfortable and honest being myself with her. Come to think of it that was probably the problem.

it's not meant to be... but this is comedy gold material

She is certainly a part of what this thread is about. I want to learn how to create chemistry so that one day I can create it with her. I want show her that I'm still everything she liked about me but I'm better now, and I fixed all the bad stuff. I want to show her that I could be good for her. I want to show her I've got what it takes to have a worthwhile and fun relationship.

Agree with Solivagant here, you're wasting your time. She's already made her decision about a relationship with you so it's unlikely she's going to revisit it, a "new improved you" or not. You should concentrate on moving on and not base your existence on getting her to accept you.

 

[Solivagant]

I want to learn how to create chemistry so that one day I can create it with her.

But you don't need to, as you said you already had chemistry with her. If that's true then obviously a lack of chemistry was not the problem.

That's why it's so important for me to learn how to create chemistry with anyone

You can't learn how to create chemistry because chemistry can't be created, and it most definitely can't be created with "anyone".

It makes me so unbelievably angry, when scumbags can be with anyone they choose and I can't pick too.

I think you're imagining him to have too much power. You're leaving out the fact that it was her choice, too. It's not as though he picked her off a shelf in a store and she mindlessly went with him. She has a will of her own and she picked him as much as he picked her.

What you're really asking to know is how to make someone choose you, but that's not something that can be forced. Manipulated, maybe, but in that case it would never last. (And it wouldn't be chemistry.)

Why is it unlikely that I will get a chance at a relationship with her though?

I can think of a lot of reasons, the most obvious being what ardour said: She seems to have already made her decision, and she's just not likely to revisit the idea. But I don't know your history with her so I don't want to make assumptions. Have you had a relationship with her already? Is she an ex?

Finding someone else, besides, won't be that easy.

No it won't, that's why I told you it was 8 years before I found someone else. You seem to expect it to be easy or immediate because that's what you see happening for other people, but it simply doesn't work that way for everyone, and you can't "make" it work that way for you. All you can do is try your best, keep meeting people and see what happens. The results you want are not guaranteed.

She's just not replaceable. She really excited and fascinated me, and just made me feel good in a way no regular girl could compare to.

No one is replaceable. You don't need to replace her, and you don't need to "settle" for a girl that seems "regular" to you. In fact I hope you don't, because the poor regular girl deserves someone who will see more in her. What you do need to do is entertain the possibility that there are other women out there who you could have feelings for. No one else will be her, but you could meet someone else you like just as much. Someone who reciprocates your feelings.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Why is it unlikely that I will get a chance at a relationship with her though?

I can think of a lot of reasons, the most obvious being what ardour said: She seems to have already made her decision, and she's just not likely to revisit the idea. But I don't know your history with her so I don't want to make assumptions. Have you had a relationship with her already? Is she an ex?

She's just not replaceable. She really excited and fascinated me, and just made me feel good in a way no regular girl could compare to.

No one is replaceable. You don't need to replace her, and you don't need to "settle" for a girl that seems "regular" to you. In fact I hope you don't, because the poor regular girl deserves someone who will see more in her. What you do need to do is entertain the possibility that there are other women out there who you could have feelings for. No one else will be her, but you could meet someone else you like just as much. Someone who reciprocates your feelings.

There really isn't anyone around here I could have feelings for. The girls I liked were all unique, lively people. The girls around here, by contrast, are very drab in both appearance and interests. They're just, normal I guess. It sounds crazy, but you'd have to see for yourself.

About her, she isn't an ex. But we were very close conversationally for almost a year and what we shared with each other definitely went deeper than superficial topics. We still are in a sort of contact, here and there. We used to stay up all night talking and laughing a bit. She even suggested that I was good-looking. I just don't see why just because I don't have everything she wants now means I can't ever get it. I wouldn't date me right now either because I'm boring right now too, just like the girls I'm not attracted to around here. But I don't plan to stay like that forever.

I'm probably driving everyone crazy with this and there doesn't seem like much more to say. It's been about 6 months of constant rage and despair. I refuse to sink into the abyss of average, but I guess no one has any other suggestions. So all I can do is hope their relationship ends, work on bettering myself, and wait.

 

[Locke]

Finding someone else, besides, won't be that easy. There are only 2 other girls I've met that I would like about the same as her, and it would be at least as hard to be with them too. That's why it's so important for me to learn how to create chemistry with anyone - because there are so few girls that have what I want, so few times that it counts. Most girls just don't leave any impression on me, no looks, no personality/interests, nothing. They're just completely bland and boring. And there's just no way I could be happy with someone that I know I'd leave in an instant if my crush ever changed her mind.

She's just not replaceable. She really excited and fascinated me, and just made me feel good in a way no regular girl could compare to.

Don't you see that this girl is your problem, and not any kind of solution? You can't have her. You just can't. It's really that simple. Is it possible that things might change one day? Sure, why not? It's also possible that she'll get married and have six kids. Will you still be waiting for her if that happens?!

You don't find anyone else attractive because they are not her. You need to move on, man. You can mourn not being with her for as long as you need to. You can even hope a little that she'll love you back (you probably wouldn't be able to stop yourself). But above all, you need to admit that it's over, and start to pull your life together.

If you do that...if you improve yourself for yourself and not for a woman who doesn't want to be with you....then maybe, just maybe... you'll find someone else someday.

It's a "maybe" because there is no creating chemistry (others have already explained why). There is no controlling every situation. Life is chaos, and all you have - all any of us have - is the ability to do the best you can, and to get back up every time you're knocked down.

I know you won't believe it, but I don't know how else to say it: This girl isn't right for you. I'm sorry, but it's true. You can either spend months or years or God knows how long reinventing yourself in the slim chance that she'll love you. - OR - You can be the person you are and build on that so you can improve your life. Work on your low self-esteem and broken heart, and wait patiently for someone who is actually worth your time and love to come along. Someone who loves you for who you are, and not what you or she thinks you should be.

 

[ardour]

There really isn't anyone around here I could have feelings for. The girls I liked were all unique, lively people. The girls around here, by contrast, are very drab in both appearance and interests. They're just, normal I guess. It sounds crazy, but you'd have to see for yourself.

Here's to women with average personalities and common interests. They're reliable as human beings, and there's more depth to 'normal' people if you're willing to see it.

The unique/eccentric/quirky women you talk about are more likely to be flakey, emotionally unstable and have no idea what they want.

 

[TheRealCallie]

She's just not replaceable. She really excited and fascinated me, and just made me feel good in a way no regular girl could compare to.

No, you can't replace her, because she was never YOURS. I think that's where your problem lies. In believing that she was when she wasn't. You are obsessed with the girl and quite frankly, it's a little scary. I've seen it before many times. Hell, it's happened to me. Just stop now. She isn't yours, she never was. Let it go before you do something stupid.

There really isn't anyone around here I could have feelings for. The girls I liked were all unique, lively people. The girls around here, by contrast, are very drab in both appearance and interests. They're just, normal I guess. It sounds crazy, but you'd have to see for yourself.

Here's to women with average personalities and common interests. They're reliable as human beings, and there's more depth to 'normal' people if you're willing to see it.

The unique/eccentric/quirky women you talk about are more likely to be flakey, emotionally unstable and have no idea what they want.

There's also the chance that a "normal" girl might just have unique/eccentric/quirky traits that she doesn't show people until they get to know her. There are many things about me that very few people know about until they get to know me. Plain and simple, you can't know who someone is unless you get to know them.

 

[TheSkaFish]

The thing is though, normal people have no depth. That's why they're normal. Their job, TV shows or movies, sports, and alcohol - that's all their interests right there. Killing time at restaurants, bars, sports games and concerts. They all look the same and all they have to say is small talk. There's no way I'd be happy with someone like that.

This is going nowhere. I refuse to accept that the best I can hope for in a relationship in this life is faked interest and small talk, acting like everything is fine and secretly wishing someone would rescue me. Her current relationship could end. She might get bored. And while the chance I may end up with her might be slim, it's better than none. But people have won over the ones who initially rejected them before. I wouldn't be the first.

 

[TheRealCallie]

The thing is though, normal people have no depth. That's why they're normal. Their job, TV shows or movies, sports, and alcohol - that's all their interests right there. Killing time at restaurants, bars, sports games and concerts. They all look the same and all they have to say is small talk. There's no way I'd be happy with someone like that.

This is going nowhere. I refuse to accept that the best I can hope for in a relationship in this life is faked interest and small talk, acting like everything is fine and secretly wishing someone would rescue me. Her current relationship could end. She might get bored. And while the chance I may end up with her might be slim, it's better than none. But people have won over the ones who initially rejected them before. I wouldn't be the first.

You don't get it. She could have been with you, clearly she didn't want to. Whether she breaks up with the guy she is with or not, she likely still won't want you.
What you want to do is show her what you THINK she wants to see (meaning you would be FAKE) and try to control her into loving you and wanting you. Now, if she were to break up with her boyfriend and go to you, you will resent her (Say whatever you want, you will because you seem to think you had her) and in turn will try to control her every move and most likely end up verbally abusing (possibly even physically) her because you feel the need to control EVERYTHING.

IMO, what you refuse to accept is that someone didn't want you when you wanted her. You can say whatever bullshit you want about "normal" people, but first, NO ONE is "normal" and second, you can't possibly know these woman enough to know anything real about them. People don't slap their life stories/interests on their foreheads.
But, continue making excuses for yourself or whatever, it will all end in the same place if you stay on this path....

 

[VanillaCreme]

This is why I have no problems changing, because "being myself" means continuing to be a loser instead of getting better.

Without going into all the reasons why you shouldn't call yourself a loser, "being yourself" doesn't mean giving up self-improvement. If you're a lazy *******, you shouldn't just keep being a lazy ******* because it's "who you are". That's not who anyone is at their best, and you should always strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be. (Reiterate: The best you, not the best someone else.) That is in your control. What's not in your control is who's going to feel chemistry with you.

It's not that there isn't room for betterment, but betterment does not give you control over what other people feel. You can improve your likeability to an extent, but that's not going to make everyone like you. You can improve your attractiveness to an extent, but that's not going to make everyone attracted to you.

I agree that most happenings are cause and effect, but that's not the same as saying you're in control of every cause and effect. I could list example upon example of this, but I doubt it would help anything.

Totally agree with this. And be a loser. So what? At least you're being you. People should never bow their heads at being a certain way. Nerd. Geek. Loser. So what... Be who you are. There are plenty of people who will not only like you, but are in the same boat as you are. I can appreciate many things in life. Honesty is one of them.

 

[TheSkaFish]

She didn't want me because I communicated to her that I didn't have what it took for her to find me attractive. So what I have to do, then, is change that. I need to communicate that I actually do have what it takes and more. I don't see why that has to be a one chance deal, and if I don't get it right the first time, she will see me as a loser forever. If my actions show that I am no longer a loser but am actually quite interesting, exciting, fun, and physically appealing, then why wouldn't I be that instead of what I was when we first met? People don't have to stay the same for their whole lives. There's no such thing as a real "you" anyway, just thoughts and beliefs about yourself and habits. So I could stop doing and being whatever it was that made her not want me, and start doing and being things that would show her that I really am worth her while.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I just don't know anymore. This is going to be hard, if it's even possible.

 

[Dexter]

She didn't want me because I communicated to her that I didn't have what it took for her to find me attractive. So what I have to do, then, is change that. I need to communicate that I actually do have what it takes and more. I don't see why that has to be a one chance deal, and if I don't get it right the first time, she will see me as a loser forever. If my actions show that I am no longer a loser but am actually quite interesting, exciting, fun, and physically appealing, then why wouldn't I be that instead of what I was when we first met? People don't have to stay the same for their whole lives. There's no such thing as a real "you" anyway, just thoughts and beliefs about yourself and habits. So I could stop doing and being whatever it was that made her not want me, and start doing and being things that would show her that I really am worth her while.

You are right, you don't have to stay the same for your whole life. You don't have to change, but you can of course do so if you want to. The things you change are still part of you, so you are actually still being yourself (the "real" you). The things you do, the things you experience and the things you change about yourself are defining who you are.

But remember one thing, if you are planning to change something about you then don't do it for anybody else. Only do it for yourself. If you are only changing yourself for someone else and this person still doesn't show interest in you, then this can lead to great disappointment

 

[ardour]

She didn't want me because I communicated to her that I didn't have what it took for her to find me attractive. So what I have to do, then, is change that. I need to communicate that I actually do have what it takes and more. I don't see why that has to be a one chance deal, and if I don't get it right the first time, she will see me as a loser forever. If my actions show that I am no longer a loser but am actually quite interesting, exciting, fun, and physically appealing, then why wouldn't I be that instead of what I was when we first met? People don't have to stay the same for their whole lives. There's no such thing as a real "you" anyway, just thoughts and beliefs about yourself and habits. So I could stop doing and being whatever it was that made her not want me, and start doing and being things that would show her that I really am worth her while.

No, you're deluded. TheRealCallie summed it up, she didn't want YOU> not what you're "communicating", you're 'aura' of self-worth or any of that nonsense. Where did you read this - dating guru websites? It's in their interest to peddle ideas that men can create attraction out of nothing and control every situation with willpower (as long as they make an 'investment' and learn the "secrets of attraction".) I bet she never saw you as a loser either.

Things will only improve once you to choose to stop obsessing over her.

 

[TheSkaFish]

No, you're deluded. TheRealCallie summed it up, she didn't want YOU> not what you're "communicating", you're 'aura' of self-worth or any of that nonsense. Where did you read this - dating guru websites? It's in their interest to peddle ideas that men can create attraction out of nothing and control every situation with enough willpower (as long as they make an 'investment' and learn the "secrets of attraction".) I bet she never saw you as a loser either.

Things will only improve once you to choose to stop obsessing over her.

If she rejected me, it can only mean she saw me as a loser. I can see why that happened in retrospect, where I went wrong. And I did communicate that, I just didn't realize it at the time.

As I said - there is no "you". It's a set of thoughts, habits, and beliefs about life and yourself. Whatever you think "you" are is only your interpretation of your experiences and beliefs, things like that. You can be whatever kind of person you want. Obviously, I've indirectly chosen to be a low-quality person. I just wish I knew how to change into someone else.

I do believe you can create attraction out of nothing, if you just do things correctly. I mean something as superficial as the way you dress and the way you carry yourself communicate loads to others, who make assumptions based on that. Not knowing how to get someone attracted is not knowing how to create attraction, period.

The problem I'm having, though, is convincing myself I'm not a loser when I keep losing. The thing that really makes me angry about all this is that I consistently lose to scumbags, in particular. This is the third time in a row something like this has happened. I can't even beat low-lifes. I just wish that if I lose again it's at least to someone with a talent or an athlete or hell, even a guy with a high-paying job and a nice car. Just not another goddamn "bad boy" piece of trash. It's so frustrating. It's really hard to have faith in life and myself when this keeps happening.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If she rejected me, it can only mean she saw me as a loser.

WRONG! I have rejected many men without thinking they were losers. I had no problem with them as people and I have stayed friends with a few of them, I just didn't want to DATE them.

 

[TheSkaFish]

WRONG! I have rejected many men without thinking they were losers. I had no problem with them as people and I have stayed friends with a few of them, I just didn't want to DATE them.

If I may ask, why? I'm serious. Why reject them if they weren't losers?

When I think of why I wouldn't consider someone, it's only because their looks aren't exciting or that they are not interesting to talk to. Or both. Either way, there's always a real reason.

 

[Locke]

If I may ask, why? I'm serious. Why reject them if they weren't losers?

When I think of why I wouldn't consider someone, it's only because their looks aren't exciting or that they are not interesting to talk to. Or both. Either way, there's always a real reason.

Are you implying that anyone who you don't find attractive or interesting is a loser? The women around you who you described as "drab in appearance and interests", would you define them as losers? Do you have any female friends? If you do, do you consider them to be losers because they're friends and not girlfriends?

Just because you're not romantically attracted to someone does not mean they are a loser Just because this girl you're hung up on doesn't want to be with you does not mean you're a loser. It means she's not attracted to you. She is under no obligation to be attracted to you, no matter what you do or what you change.

Well...hell with it. Change you're personality, the way you walk, talk and dress. Change your physical appearance if you can. Change your job and get a new car. Change it all, or whatever you want, just to get some girl to like you. There's a very good chance that she won't want to be with you no matter what you do, but you're determined to learn that the hard way. It would be much better for you if you found a woman who liked you for who you are. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you find true love.

Do you realize what this actually comes down to? You don't like yourself. It has nothing to do with how this girl feels about you. If you liked yourself even a little, you would understand that there's a girl out there who likes you and wants to be with you, and you would search for her.

I honestly wish that you would get to that issue. If you want help or advice with whatever it is that you dislike about yourself so much, you would find an endless amount of support on this forum. I can promise you that. Instead, you seem determined to change yourself to fit some imaginary ideal. An ideal that I very much doubt is honest or realistic. If you go down that road, you will become someone who constantly hates yourself. Every time you disappoint yourself or face rejection, that hate will deepen. You will never live up to your own expectations.

It would be so much healthier for you if you learned to like yourself for who you are right now and go from there.

 

[jaguarundi]

Instead of obsessing about what is wrong with you that the girls you
like choose bad-boy low-life guys instead of you, start asking yourself why the hell you keep falling for the same kind of girls, who quite clearly are not going to be interested in you as boyfriend material?

In brief, this happened to you 3 times you say. So why are you drawn to immature young women who will reject you for a bad-boy type of guy?

Do you just want to prove you can't win? Do you enjoy being miserable?
Does it just give you a really good excuse to wallow in despair, not try to find a job or get on with a real life?

Slap yourself around a bit if you must, but not because you are a loser because you are not getting these girls. You are turning yourself into a loser because you focus on this to the extent of everything else.

Stop it.