Solivagant
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TheSkaFish said:This is why I have no problems changing, because "being myself" means continuing to be a loser instead of getting better.
Without going into all the reasons why you shouldn't call yourself a loser, "being yourself" doesn't mean giving up self-improvement. If you're a lazy *******, you shouldn't just keep being a lazy ******* because it's "who you are". That's not who anyone is at their best, and you should always strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be. (Reiterate: The best you, not the best someone else.) That is in your control. What's not in your control is who's going to feel chemistry with you.
It's not that there isn't room for betterment, but betterment does not give you control over what other people feel. You can improve your likeability to an extent, but that's not going to make everyone like you. You can improve your attractiveness to an extent, but that's not going to make everyone attracted to you.
I agree that most happenings are cause and effect, but that's not the same as saying you're in control of every cause and effect. I could list example upon example of this, but I doubt it would help anything.
TheSkaFish said:That's just it though. "Meshing" is exactly the word she used to describe us. She'd say that we meshed so well. I felt like I could be completely comfortable and honest being myself with her. Come to think of it that was probably the problem. I think I complained too much to her about things, and came off as pessimistic about life. She had been having a hard time then as well, and I guess we kind of slipped into commiserating sometimes. Had I been confident and optimistic about life and my abilities, things may have gone differently.
I sympathize, I had a similar situation with my first love. I went through a severe trauma only months before meeting him, and he encouraged me to feel so comfortable talking to him about it that I think I may have talked about it too much. Eventually he left me for another woman, and I used to beat myself up over how I could have handled myself with him differently. It took me ages to move forward after that. As I said before I don't mesh with many people, and I thought I would never find someone else I would want to be with. Eight years later and I finally have.
Is this woman what this whole thread is basically about? Because if you say you already had chemistry with her, then "creating chemistry" is unnecessary and has nothing to do with it really. It sounds like what you really want is just to figure out how to get another go at the relationship, which I'm sorry to say, is very unlikely to happen, especially now that she is with someone else. (And even if it did, it'd be likely to turn out the same way.) Without knowing many details, I think it'd be better for you to let her go and find someone who wants you as much as you want them. You're selling yourself short otherwise. You may think there is no one else out there you could like as much, but I assure you there is. I think part of the problem is that you're worrying too much about how and where and when and if you'll find them, and it bothers you that you don't know; so you're putting all your focus on this one woman instead, because she exists in more than just your daydreams and has a face that you can put to all those qualities you love and want in a person. She's a more tangible "goal" for you than a woman you haven't met yet. You seem to be feeling directionless in life right now, and in a way, I think that concentrating on her so much makes you feel less lost.
Edit: I have said this to others, but I think it fits here too. The reason authenticity is so important is because masks come down over time. If people are in a long-term relationship (living together, married, or even just friends for many years), there will come a point when filters will dissolve, people will stop trying to impress each other and revert to their most natural, comfortable personality and habits. This is often the point at which relationships that began with inauthenticity fall apart, because "true colors" are shown and people start to feel like they ended up with a different person than they thought. It is my opinion that if you hope to have a successful relationship down the road, it is best to be your genuine self from the beginning, even if it's much harder (or seemingly impossible) to find someone who is attracted to you. Others may disagree, but that is how I feel about it.