Dead Inside

[there is no hope]

About ready to lose everything. Walls crashing in on me. No way out. Everyone is malicious and cruel, not just greedy. This is a sick system, they already took away my past and now they will take away my future.

I try to get through every day, but soon it will be over. It's so disgusting that my life has become this. None of this had to happen. Stupid, stupid people doing stupid things for stupid reasons, or worse reasons of pure malice and cruelty for their own sake.

In the end the only person left to take all the blame is myself. Others are guilty but responsibility always falls to those at the bottom, that is the world that has been set up. Better people than me have been ruined, it's just my turn.

...and if someone suggests I need professional help, please kindly go to Hell. I never wanted any of this honeysuckle, and after almost 20 years or repeated failure and incompetence, why on Earth would I ever trust those people with anything? They had a greater hand in ruining my life than the average guilty party, and lost nothing. The best thing in my life, such as it was, was turning my back on them forever.

I'm so sick of lie after lie, all for the sake of an evil belief system. All for them... it's a simple answer to the question "who benefits?". And what is the benefit, except the thrill certain people get from routine degradation and humiliiation? All of this, and so much more suffering around the world, to placate these monsters.

 

[HoodedMonk]

I empathize with you. Especially on the greedy part.

Not sure what to say about the therapists who have ruined your life though. You haven't given enough details for me to know what to think about that but I"m happy you made a decision that you seem to think benefits you. You're standing up for yourself.

I'm still trying different antidepressants myself. I am hoping that I will find one that works without a horrible side effect such as restless legs or twitching that won't stop.

Life does not benefit the kind, the good, or the pure hearted. It is made for others. I'm sorry that you have found that out as well.

 

[there is no hope]

Hey,

Well, it's hard to say how much they ruined me, or how much they were just incapable. I was up against a system that's designed to seperate children into valid and invalid, and there's no place to be both. Therapists and psychiatrists can't criticize the system, and others involved in the process obviously aren't going to (even if some have misgivings about what is happening, or think it's not an effective system).
It's also a system that doesn't really allow for voluntary entry, and when psychiatrists are forced into your life it feels a lot more like an arm of the police than anything else.
Maybe if I had received the right kind of help earlier, my life could have turned out a little better, but the people involved were more interested in testing their pet theories about human development, ripping my future into shreds and leaving me and my family to pick up the pieces, or just purely malicious ends. I know I'm not the only one, I dealt with more than one school official who bragged about the horrible things they did to me and my family.

One of the worst things that was done to me as a child was anti-depressants, because they aggravated the very problems I had, and I was thrown back into more abuse from the school and other kids. It took someone until I was 16 to realize that they're not supposed to feed ******* anti-depressants to children at all, and for them to realize that I was sweating, itching, and had every nervous tic imaginable, something which led to even more embarassment and humiliation that didn't have to happen. Of course, no one in the school system would ever acknowledge that they ever did anything wrong, and by then the damage was long since done.

Hopefully some time in the future, medics will exercise far more caution in drugging children and do physical evaluations as well as mental ones, but the education system at its' core doesn't want that. There are too many incentives to invalidate people, and part of the process of education is exposing children to horrible, oppressive bureaucracy. It's hard to fix a system that was designed to produce 80% failures and condition the majority of those failures to being soldiers. Based on what I've seen, the system is gearing up to become something even worse - today children are bombarded with messages demanding population control and eugenics, and the cruelty will only ratchet up in the next generation or two. There is no form of eugenics that is anything but an affront to basic decency.

As to therapy... my life WAS a mess, being torn apart day by day. Trying to psychoanalyze me on top of that was not helping a bit, I had enough honeysuckle being heaped on my face and being told to blame myself for things other people kept doing to me was a factor in how absolutely shitty this life turned out. Maybe if for once someone tried to listen to me instead of screaming and trying to force-feed bullshit into my head, a lot could have been averted. I doubt much could have changed, because they were dead-set on forcing me into remedial education and destroying my life just because I was a third-born son to a eugenically incorrect family. ******* Nazis.

Don't see much time left to rebuild my life. I keep trying to hold on to ideas to get out, somehow, but it's not going to take. At best I'm looking at a life spent wandering between drudgery, being kicked out of those jobs because that's how the labor market is.

 

[Sometimes]

I am so sorry this was done to you. In the absence of any real clinical evidence of positive effect, the egos all come rushing in. The vulnerable are the victims.

But, are you sure you are dead inside? Maybe just in a deep sleep?

 

[there is no hope]

I've only barely managed to keep going because I wasn't under any pressure, and stopped caring. Now I'm under pressure and like always I'll crack and break down.

All my life I was dragged through it. All I could think about is going away and getting out, somehow. I called it early in life and I was right all along.

The truth is, regardless of what I am or what I did, I was doomed from the start. I was a fool to expect anything different. What ******* sort of society invalidates someone practically from birth and forces them into medical experiments like this? Why do people keep protecting this abomination? It's a system filled with perverse incentives, on the surface for immediate financial gain but ultimately for the pure abuse of power.

 

[badhairday]

I really feel for you as I too have been destroyed by abusive powerful therapists. I'm not willing to go into detail but eventually I turned my back on them all and have also been dead inside for quite sometime. People are often shocked at how detached I am but it's almost as if my brain has automatically shut down to help me deal with everything. I don't even care when people are awful to me now as I am so used to it. I yearn to be listened to but when I state what I want I am labelled needy and dependent.
Also, recently I went to see a tarot reader and she said the cards indicated I am under a great deal of stress and I need to talk to someone about it or I will die from a heart attack at 49. I told her no one will listen to me and counsellors have made things worse. She then said it might be better to stop trying to find someone to listen to me and just accept my fate- that's what I'm trying to do. As someone else said on here recently the world is not meant for the kind and pure hearted. I think somewhere along the line, our souls got lost and we ended up here by mistake.