How can you look the good side of people?
It doesn't matter anymore. i'm certain again that I'm alone. I'll never meet people like me and I'll never be accepted. The world is decadence in every way. I just want to have the feeling of companionship but I get depravity and immorality.
I went to play in a pub last night and it was a nightmare. The music sounded good but everything else sucked. The audience didn't want us there, we played too late and couldn't find a bus after. The place was a shithole. There were people doing cocaine in the bathroom and I got to talk to drunk people all night; which it sucks when you don't like drinking. I got offered drugs and saw a lot of sleazy people. I couldn't stay too much and went for walks once in a while. I was there for about 6 hrs until we played at last place. But the worst by far was the conversation I had with a former band member who was there. He told me that the other guys used to talk about me and suspected I was a virgin. Not for mocking me, but speculating. It was shocking and embarrassing to me. He drunkenly asked me if it was true, I asked what that hat to do with my playing. He insisted and I couldn't tell the truth. I lied. He seems to have believed me but I'm not sure. While in my mind I was like "It shows so bad?". All this was before playing and I was just in awe. I felt like every person there was a spectrum, like a demon in human form. I never felt more out of place in my life, even with family members there. But I had to put myself together and play. People were atrocious, they were asking for a finish at the half of the songs. Considering we were there as a favour for an aniversary. It was surreal to see the birthday cake and the self-congratulatory jerk-off fest, while knowing people were doing hard drugs some feet away from you.
"WTF are you celebrating?!" I though.
I still feel dirty and deeply sad. Not being enough, today I have to play again, but luckily in another place. Still, my appreciation remains:
THIS is the type of people I have to deal with, the people I have to interact with everyday and the people I'm supposed to be accepted by.
It's all decadence around me and I can't scape it. There's no "right people" or "right girl". I've been encountering this individual's my whole life and it would not change. I'm not made for this world and I'm convinced more everyday. I arrived home at 5 am with a buzz in my ears and my soul crushed. I have no one to reach and no one to relate. I'm alone as I always knew.
It doesn't matter anymore. i'm certain again that I'm alone. I'll never meet people like me and I'll never be accepted. The world is decadence in every way. I just want to have the feeling of companionship but I get depravity and immorality.
I went to play in a pub last night and it was a nightmare. The music sounded good but everything else sucked. The audience didn't want us there, we played too late and couldn't find a bus after. The place was a shithole. There were people doing cocaine in the bathroom and I got to talk to drunk people all night; which it sucks when you don't like drinking. I got offered drugs and saw a lot of sleazy people. I couldn't stay too much and went for walks once in a while. I was there for about 6 hrs until we played at last place. But the worst by far was the conversation I had with a former band member who was there. He told me that the other guys used to talk about me and suspected I was a virgin. Not for mocking me, but speculating. It was shocking and embarrassing to me. He drunkenly asked me if it was true, I asked what that hat to do with my playing. He insisted and I couldn't tell the truth. I lied. He seems to have believed me but I'm not sure. While in my mind I was like "It shows so bad?". All this was before playing and I was just in awe. I felt like every person there was a spectrum, like a demon in human form. I never felt more out of place in my life, even with family members there. But I had to put myself together and play. People were atrocious, they were asking for a finish at the half of the songs. Considering we were there as a favour for an aniversary. It was surreal to see the birthday cake and the self-congratulatory jerk-off fest, while knowing people were doing hard drugs some feet away from you.
"WTF are you celebrating?!" I though.
I still feel dirty and deeply sad. Not being enough, today I have to play again, but luckily in another place. Still, my appreciation remains:
THIS is the type of people I have to deal with, the people I have to interact with everyday and the people I'm supposed to be accepted by.
It's all decadence around me and I can't scape it. There's no "right people" or "right girl". I've been encountering this individual's my whole life and it would not change. I'm not made for this world and I'm convinced more everyday. I arrived home at 5 am with a buzz in my ears and my soul crushed. I have no one to reach and no one to relate. I'm alone as I always knew.