Did I go too far?

[ThePsychologist]

I am 23 years old, live in the Netherlands, and have a girlfriend of 23. We are 8 months together. We met each other through a therapy group (to which she quit, and I still attend) and both have a form of an anxiety disorder (which we both can cope with pretty well in general lately) and depression. She is also my first girlfriend and she had one relationship before this and one just sexual relationship before hooking up with me.

I'm afraid I messed up a bit today though. Me and my GF were having a good time cooking together and playing with food, etc. Then we both got a beer, sat down and talked for a few hours. During those hours we started off about life in general, how we have developed since we met, how we look at relationships, very general stuff, yet deep.

I don't quite remember how I started to talk about it, but I went too far. But before I tell you what I said to her, I need to give you some background info about my girlfriend.

When she was with her ex (6 years ago), she gave up everything to be with him. She was very desperate and was intensly afraid of loosing him. But she did loose him in the end (way too clingy). She gave up everything to be with him. In the destructive way that she did not go out with her friends anymore, dropped down all of her hobbies so she could be with him, so in the end, when he dumped her, there was nothing left for her. She had no friends anymore and did not have a hobby or a deep inner passion that she could use to get over him. She had a serious depression after that for years. But now she has improved dramatically and life is finally starting to take a better turn for her. She is very individualistic and has turned out to be a strong young woman. She is not clingy to me, she chooses herself above me, which is good.

Then, 8 months ago, I met her through group therapy, there was a click and we hit off. This was all very new and very scary to me, but I pulled through, and now, 8 months later, I learned so ******* much and am happy with her most of the time.

But what I said to her today. I don't know. I'm still a bit confused, but I'll just tell you what I said:

I said that it would beneficial to her to take up a hobby. To do something else beside work, to let her open herself up to her collegeaus and try to find a possible friend within them. Someone else to talk to, besides me.

From there, I said that getting a new hobby would broaden her horizon, and with that, her knowledge and interest within things, she could enjoy life more and would be more intresting to talk to and could get on better with new people (I really shouldn't have said that last part).

Point is, I think I was too honest with sharing her my thoughts. I did not really bring it tactically. To me it felt like we were just having a discussion, but to her it probably made her feel really really bad about herself. Especially because she now finally get's back from all the depression and the ex-boyfriend, and here I come along telling her her existence is minor and that it could be so much better (as a suggestion, or food for thought).

The stupid thing is is that I didn't really realise how much my little argument to her hurt her. I did not even notice how she suddenly stopped smiling, avoided eye contact, and told me in a gentle voice that she should take off and go home. Even then, after I said goodbye, I just thought "well, that was a good discussion", but then she texted me saying that she was a bit disturbed about the things I said and that it isn't really helping her in her mood (aka, she is very sad and distressed).

I tried to call her, but she texted back, saying that she needs to think about the things I said.

I send her this huge text message, that basically explains everything, making sure to get accross that I just thought we where having a discussion and that she should not take it too personal or emotionally. That I did not meant to hurt her. That however she chooses to live her life, that I will stand by her because I love her and want to be with her, that she should make her own decisions and live her own life as she sees fit, but that these thoughts I told her are just that, thoughts. I can only speak out of my own experiences and lessons, how I perceive things. I'm not saying it is the absolute truth. On the contrary. I was telling her how she could better her life, perhaps.

But me saying all that, she probably thinks that I don't like the way she lives her life. That she should change or that I just in general disaprove of her.

As of now, I'm not really sure what I think anymore. What did I mean by telling her all this? Ofcourse she get's upset by these words! How could I be so foolish in bringing this all up to her?

After I told her my arguments, she told me that she is happy the way she is at the moment, that she sees no possible hobby to take up and does not want to. She does not want to open up to her colleageaus at work, so she can keep distance and feel safe. She does that to a lot of people (including my parents). But except for me. To me and to her mother she can open up. To the rest she will pretend to be her fake self, to be boring and predictable, to only show that she cares for work and has nothing else to talk about.

I think I talked to her about this because my mother told me a few days ago that she thinks my girlfriend has not much going on about her. That she is too serious. My mother told me this and I was upset about it. They can't see my GF the same way I see her, and that kinda worries me.

Well, I don't know what else to say right now. To be honest, I feel pretty confused.

Some things I would like to pick you guys's brain about is:
- Was it wrong of me to "judge" her the way I did?
- In the future, how should I bring up such thoughts I am having without the fear of having to make her very sad?
- Is there something wrong with me? Reading this all back makes me look like a ******* robot without emotion (I do have emotional problems, too much blocking of emotions, which can get in the way, but I really thought I had everything under control here during the discussion and that we were just having a discussion, nothing else, no judgement or critique, just talk. Guess I was wrong?)
- How to best deal with the current situation. For now I will stop texting her or paying attention to her untill she recollects herself and gets over this. I'm pretty sure that she will get over it, this will not destroy our relationship. But it does make her feel bad, and makes me feel very bad aswell (about her reaction to it).

Sorry for the long text, but I just thought that everything has vital information inside of it.

Thanks!

 

[nerdygirl]

It sounds like what happened to you is something that happens to a lot of people. Sometimes, it can be hard to realize that what we are saying is coming out all wrong until it's too late. I don't think you gave her bad advice or that it was wrong of you to want her to try what you said.

After all, not having at least one hobby and refusing to be friendly with anybody is often a sign of poor emotional health. Further, each of these things can help you not to be depressed. A hobby gives you somewhere to direct the negative energy, especially when you're alone. You can keep a work friendship superficial, just chatting about little things. That can be helpful in distracting you from any negative thoughts, and provides you with somebody who will be more likely to try and cheer you up.

Really, you just have to train yourself to be more observant of body language. I's pretty common for people to miss all of those signs. That's why so many people have stupid arguments!

 

[Equinox]

My initial and general impression is that no, you did not go too far. To me it seems like you made a suggestion for something that could make her happier and improve her life. I don't see anything wrong with that. If she decided to take that personally, then the fault is on her, not you. It sounds like she has issues she needs to work out, and I think it's admirable that you want to try to help her with this. Also, that you backed down and apologized when she didn't appreciate your help, makes you come off as a pretty decent guy. As for your questions:

- Was it wrong of me to "judge" her the way I did?
I don't really see that you "judged" her in any way, so I'm gonna answer No on this one.

- In the future, how should I bring up such thoughts I am having without the fear of having to make her very sad?
You could perhaps try beginning by asking her if she's happy, if there's anything she'd like to talk about. Also, instead of suggesting she get a hobby, how about suggesting a hobby you can both start together? E.g. "I was thinking I'd like to try climbing, and it would be so much fun it you would join me". Ease her into the whole "doing stuff with other people" thing. If she has serious anxiety problems, taking up a hobby where she'll meet a group of strangers might feel overwhelming and scary, but less so if you're with her. Also, suggesting something physical could be great, as exercise stimulates the production of endorphins, which is the hormone that make people experience happiness.

- Is there something wrong with me? Reading this all back makes me look like a ******* robot without emotion (I do have emotional problems, too much blocking of emotions, which can get in the way, but I really thought I had everything under control here during the discussion and that we were just having a discussion, nothing else, no judgement or critique, just talk. Guess I was wrong?)
I can't tell about you in general, but based on what you've written here, I would say no. Sounds like a caring and helpful boyfriend to me. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Everything you told her is true; people DO need hobbies, they DO need more than just one person to talk to, and if she got over her social issues I have no doubt that it would make her happier.

- How to best deal with the current situation. For now I will stop texting her or paying attention to her untill she recollects herself and gets over this. I'm pretty sure that she will get over it, this will not destroy our relationship. But it does make her feel bad, and makes me feel very bad aswell (about her reaction to it).
Stop texting sounds like a good idea. She's said she needs some time to think, so give her that. If several days passes without her contacting you at all, you could text her something that doesn't require her to answer, something with no obligation, just to tell her that you care. (E.g. "I miss you. Hope you're feeling alright" or something along those lines.)

I'm no relationship guru, but these are my thoughts on the matter, at any rate. Good luck!

 

[paulo]

well, you ment well, just came out a little unfortunately.
dont think its a good idear ever to tell someone what they should do unless they ask for your opinion.
but there is nothing wrong with suggesting things that might possibly be helpfull.

i have some issues with emotional stuff, i tend to think to logical and leave the emotional part out.
but i know i do that so im verry verry carefull with how i phrase things usualy
i guess you leurned a little something about yourself here, which is good.
and ill guess youll be more carefull next time.

i ones asked a girl "why are you always so difficult ?".
she was having some problems and i really wanted to know why she did what she did so i could understand and maybe help her.
we werent even talking about it or anything.
it just popped in my head and i said it.
bothered me more than it did her though.
but i really should have phrased that more carefully

all i can tell you is be more carefull.
cant help you on how to fix things cause i really dont know.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

**** dude....I thought you were
gonna say. U tided her up and messed
her firend in the ears while she watched.....

 

[ThePsychologist]

**** dude....I thought you were
gonna say. U tided her up and messed
her firend in the ears while she watched.....

Haha, well, I did not expect YOU to think otherwise Mr Alpha!

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

Wtf you suggest she find a hobby or something of the sort and she gets upset over THAT?? Wow, melodramatic much?!

Don't blame yourself bud, she's being irrational.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You did mention she was a workaholic.
I know someone like this.
He dosnt have a hobbie and it's work...work..work.
(Most of the time he's up tight)
As if he's so responsible or grown up.
Dosnt have a sense of humor.
Eveb when theres activities. His idea of fun is to sit and watch...not really participating.

I on the other hand have had plenty of hobbies or play time.
Such as flying a stunt kite...Fucken grown up thinks its childish to fly a fucken kite.
A mature person can enjoy such activity without worrying what others may think.
IT WAS A PART OF MY RECOVERY....once a upon a time I used to be a workaholic too.

yes..having a hobbie is part of a balance healthy life style.
All work ann no play sucks!

It can be touchy when confronting a person with this issue...
Shes probably is also very self critical?
Things has to be perfect?
Afraid to make mistakes or look like a fool?
Walking on eggshells?

Did she grew up in a dysfuntional home?

Was she raised in a very strick environment?
Was one of her parent alk or abused drugs?

Is she also a recoverying alcholic or recoverying from substance abused?

A lot of people that grew up in a dysfuntional home with an alki as a parent...usually have these traits.

Workalholic...work all the time to escape from the pains.
If her parents were critical...she's has an enternal compass of alway pushing herself...becuase she dosnt feel good enough
if her caretaker made her feel alway not good enough no matter how much she accomplish....
It's deeply ingrain in her almost at a subconsious level...or its her beliefs system.
She survive that honeysuckle as a child.

She has very poor self esteem or a poor self image of herself...from mental and emotional abused she recieved as a child.
You didnt think I know this honeysuckle....did ya?hahahhaa

 

[Gravity]

Haven't read over all the other responses, so if I repeat something, apologies.

But to answer your concerns in general, no, I don't think you said anything wrong, but yes, I can understand how she might have gotten upset.

From the sound of it, she went through a very traumatic experience, emotionally speaking, with her previous relationship, and is probably still in the process of recovering from it (you mentioned that you met in a therapy group, and even if she doesn't attend anymore, healing from that kind of identity crisis takes a while). To top it off, a lot of the stress she went through was based on people telling her, either explicitly or implicitly, how to live her life (whether her ex told her to drop all her hobbies or not, she obviously got the message somehow).

Now, from your end, I sympathize with wanting to help people with their issues and life problems. I find myself feeling the urge to give people advice, or even just suggestions, a lot, and I think of it in a very similar way that you do, it seems. I think of it as an opinion offered for discussion, and the other person can do whatever they want with it. It's a noble impulse, I think, and it comes from a very kind place - I think you're a good person for wanting to offer the idea and engage her in conversation with it.

The catch, of course, is that a lot of people don't really want to get unsolicited advice about their lives - something I've learned through a few awkward encounters similar to this one. What we think of as friendly advice or suggestions they see as exactly what you've guessed - bossiness, even an insult, etc. Couple that with the fact that you may have touched on a nerve from her past, and yeah, she probably didn't take it too well.

I don't think that either of you is "at fault" here though, or exhibiting any super unhealthy behavior. She ultimately let you know how your comments made her feel, and I think you did the right thing letting her know that you didn't intend to make her feel that way. At this point, give her some space and wait to hear back from her. If it's been a week or so and you haven't heard from her, send a quick something to say hi maybe, but keep it light. If you've spent 8 months together, I doubt she'll suddenly cut and run, especially if you two have gotten as close as you say. You know her better than us, so if you think something else is warranted, then go for it, just make sure that you're respectful of her feelings.