dilemma

[medievil]

Not really sure where to start... I am male though and straight....
I've never really had a relationship, I mean there have been fleeting, but my anxiety and shyness have pretty much killed any social life...
Now I find someone at work, I really, REALLY like, a lot...
We talk daily, She has told me stuff about her life, stuff she likes, dislikes (foods for example), she even does the occasional jokingly picking on me thing...
I even saw her mocking something I said and giggling the other day when someone was giving me a hard time..
The thing is, though, my lack of experience in relationships, I dunno if any of that means anything more than friendship....
she has herself listed as single on her facebook profile, but I do know she does things with her child's father (shopping, for example).
I try to subtly let her know I am smitten, for example, she had an extremely important accomplishment for herself a few days ago, so I dressed up and small snack cake (I know lame) with a big bow and a congratulations note and left it on her desk....
I am falling a little harder each day but am scared beyond belief of messing up the friendship and losing that part....
I am at a complete loss as to what I should do.......

 

[Colster]

Not really sure where to start... I am male though and straight....
I've never really had a relationship, I mean there have been fleeting, but my anxiety and shyness have pretty much killed any social life...
Now I find someone at work, I really, REALLY like, a lot...
We talk daily, She has told me stuff about her life, stuff she likes, dislikes (foods for example), she even does the occasional jokingly picking on me thing...
I even saw her mocking something I said and giggling the other day when someone was giving me a hard time..
The thing is, though, my lack of experience in relationships, I dunno if any of that means anything more than friendship....
she has herself listed as single on her facebook profile, but I do know she does things with her child's father (shopping, for example).
I try to subtly let her know I am smitten, for example, she had an extremely important accomplishment for herself a few days ago, so I dressed up and small snack cake (I know lame) with a big bow and a congratulations note and left it on her desk....
I am falling a little harder each day but am scared beyond belief of messing up the friendship and losing that part....
I am at a complete loss as to what I should do.......

I am afraid the answer is simple, ask her in no unmistakable terms, would she like to go on a date sometime. Even if the answer is no, then you will at least know, and can stop torturing yourself.

 

[randomguy]

I dunno if any of that means anything more than friendship

Sorry man I'm going to be the bad guy here, there's nothing in your post that suggests she wants anything more than friendship.

 

[roses4all]

I saw this post yesterday and was hesitant to post. Who am I to tell someone what to do? What if I screw it up for you...

but a woman's point of view

first, I wouldn't worry about her getting along with the father of her child... it's a good thing... good for the child and it shows emotional maturity in her and her child's father. If by chance, it is something else, it will show itself in time.

The big stuff...
she could be asking herself the same questions
Giggling is a sign of something. She is not indifferent.
Some women are afraid to go first.
And even if she likes you, she may not want a relationship at this time for any number of reasons including wanting to focus on her child (or her job) or enjoy family and friends.
I agree with Colster... you are going to have to ask... or let things continue as they are... your choice.

And again, I agree with Colster... it has to be ''unmistakable''.
Maybe you could start with: '' I like your (adjectives go here... creativity, style, imagination, intelligence... whatever it is that you like)''. Or you could name the things that you have in common. Then be very specific... like ''Would you like to have dinner with me or would you prefer to be just friends?'' Tell her you value her friendship and you would be just friends if that is what she wants.

Hopefully you will get a clear answer as in
1) yes, I like you too. I would like to go out with you.
2) I like you but I prefer to remain friends.

So that is me putting my foot in my mouth.

Good luck.

 

[roses4all]

You could also take another route... send her a friend request on Facebook.
Become better friends before you try to take it to the next level.

If you ask her out, prepare yourself for the yes and the no answer. If it's yes, have the next step in your head... and be flexible.. she has child care to deal with.

If she says no... well rejection is tough. Be ready for it.

 

[medievil]

I saw this post yesterday and was hesitant to post. Who am I to tell someone what to do? What if I screw it up for you...

but a woman's point of view

first, I wouldn't worry about her getting along with the father of her child... it's a good thing... good for the child and it shows emotional maturity in her and her child's father. If by chance, it is something else, it will show itself in time.

The big stuff...
she could be asking herself the same questions
Giggling is a sign of something. She is not indifferent.
Some women are afraid to go first.
And even if she likes you, she may not want a relationship at this time for any number of reasons including wanting to focus on her child (or her job) or enjoy family and friends.
I agree with Colster... you are going to have to ask... or let things continue as they are... your choice.

And again, I agree with Colster... it has to be ''unmistakable''.
Maybe you could start with: '' I like your (adjectives go here... creativity, style, imagination, intelligence... whatever it is that you like)''. Or you could name the things that you have in common. Then be very specific... like ''Would you like to have dinner with me or would you prefer to be just friends?'' Tell her you value her friendship and you would be just friends if that is what she wants.

Hopefully you will get a clear answer as in
1) yes, I like you too. I would like to go out with you.
2) I like you but I prefer to remain friends.

So that is me putting my foot in my mouth.

Good luck.

There are other things besides giggling... for example I catch her looking at me, though in my mind it is because I am funny looking...
I am already friends on facebook, she doesn't post a lot on it however.. but the better friends is my current course, she is completing a degree (online) so i know she is juggling much in life...(The accomplishment I mentioned before that she was proud of and that I congratulated her for was a 4.0 gpa for the semester which is flipping fantastic considering her kids AND she works)
I am perfectly fine taking things really slow...
Having said that, part of my dilemma is I kinda wear my heart on my sleeve... so as my feelings grow, I can't help but show it and that defeats the idea of going slow... I have tried convincing my brain she is "with" her babies father as a couple so I have no chance...then she smiles and starts talking to me about where she went yesterday or her favorite restaurant or food she craved while pregnant, and I am right back in.....
I know right now, I can't ask her... she has too much on her plate and if she did have some interest, I do not want to put her in the position of having to turn me down out of necessity.
I also know the reality of I dunno I have anything to offer.. I am not good-looking, I'm overweight, losing my hair, don't make a lot of money... I am in zero way what I would consider a catch... she is waaay out of my league, the fact we are friends and growing at least a little close, is kind of mind-blowing to me really.
I guess mostly I am posting as therapy... slow and steady, will it cause me to miss my chance because someone swoops in... speed up and push her away... even all moot because she really is with her baby's daddy (though FB status IS single)

all this stuff runs in my head constantly....

 

[roses4all]

3 people in a relationship never ends well.

You are a nice, compassionate guy who thinks of others and has a job. That would go a long way for a woman with similar interests.

 

[medievil]

3 people in a relationship never ends well.

Of course, if they are romantically still attached, I would never get in the middle... not that kind of person at all... if he makes her happy, then I have to be happy for her, no matter my own feelings.....

 

[TheRealCallie]

Plain and simple, you never know unless you ask.

She may have a lot of her plate, but as a single mother (who also gets along with my baby daddy), sometimes we need a break and a date could potentially be a good break. But, on the other hand, if you catch her on the wrong day, she would likely just say no because she's too frustrated about everything on her plate to say anything else.
Catch her on a day when she's in a good mood and ask her out for coffee or something. Just don't push it too fast and remember to keep your emotions in check.

 

[medievil]

Plain and simple, you never know unless you ask.

She may have a lot of her plate, but as a single mother (who also gets along with my baby daddy), sometimes we need a break and a date could potentially be a good break. But, on the other hand, if you catch her on the wrong day, she would likely just say no because she's too frustrated about everything on her plate to say anything else.
Catch her on a day when she's in a good mood and ask her out for coffee or something. Just don't push it too fast and remember to keep your emotions in check.

maybe never know unless I ask, BUT right now my brain is saying I know and it is no....
good news maybe, today I started medication and next tue is my first counseling visit....
maybe in a few months I will be able to take that plunge.... she starts a new semester in her degree on the 3rd so she is not gonna have time for anything else for a while anyway

 

[Finished]

Okay, you heard the rest. Here's the best and safest way to find out:

Do NOT ask her directly. That's putting pressure on her and if she isn't sure she'll say no. It'll probably mean no as in not right now or no I'm not sure. But, you'll take it as no forever. So, do not do that. You always want her to be comfortable around you. No pressure. Remember that.

Start hinting about things like, "Wow! You're really good at _______________ we should go do that sometime." Pay attention to how she reacts. She might just say okay too. But, make sure it's appropriate. Talk about things like say food. When she says she really likes chilli hot dogs, or whatever, remember that. Then go look up a really good place to get or eat them. Then the next time it comes up, say, I know of a really good place to get those. That say, I'm going to go there this week. You can come with me if you want to.

Then pay very close attention to what she says and how she reacts. It's the easy way to ask someone out without actually asking them out. If she flat out says no then there's your answer. If she says she would like to but she shouldn't then she's banging someone else at the moment. So, wait a little while Ha! ha! Sorry, I had to put that in there. Keep sort of asking her out unless you keep getting the cold no answer.

Now, she also might be one of those prissy women that want the man to take charge and be a man. So, if you are not successful with the light approach then move on to the take charge approach. Tell her, that you are going to take her to __________. If she gives you a dirty look then move on. If she is playful then you need to figure out what her courting rituals are. Good luck with that.

That's all I feel like writing for now.

 

[ewomack]

Since you work together can you ask her out for lunch just as a co-worker? That would provide an opportunity to get to know her better (who knows, maybe you won't like her as much if you get to know her?). If she doesn't want to go out with you casually, then you'll at least have another clue and little risk was taken.

Try to hold back, be patient and don't fall too hard, otherwise you may just lose your cool and do something to drive her away. Start small and see. And don't put too much pressure on the relationship working out. See if she's open to a casual lunch and go from there. Take it easy. I understand and I've been there, but pushing too hard too quickly is the easiest way to freak her out and push her away.

 

[medievil]

Since you work together can you ask her out for lunch just as a co-worker? That would provide an opportunity to get to know her better (who knows, maybe you won't like her as much if you get to know her?). If she doesn't want to go out with you casually, then you'll at least have another clue and little risk was taken.

Try to hold back, be patient and don't fall too hard, otherwise you may just lose your cool and do something to drive her away. Start small and see. And don't put too much pressure on the relationship working out. See if she's open to a casual lunch and go from there. Take it easy. I understand and I've been there, but pushing too hard too quickly is the easiest way to freak her out and push her away.

lunch thing is not really an option unfortunately....
and yea SLOOOOW... I am more apt to be too slow than to rush and put pressure

 

[U-122]

know the reality of I dunno I have anything to offer.. I am not good-looking, I'm overweight, losing my hair, don't make a lot of money... I am in zero way what I would consider a catch... she is waaay out of my league, the fact we are friends and growing at least a little close, is kind of mind-blowing to me really.
I guess mostly I am posting as therapy... slow and steady, will it cause me to miss my chance because someone swoops in... speed up and push her away... even all moot because she really is with her baby's daddy (though FB status IS single)

all this stuff runs in my head constantly....

I'm in the same situation. Not good looking, don't make a lot of money, hairloss is no longer a problem. overweight but not by much now, because of stress. I don't get involved with women anymore they terrify me but i felt so lonely i wanted to like someone. I told her. She didn't like me back. Been nothing but friendly helpful kind to her. It backfired so hard i still can't recover. That's how i lost weight. I got rejected because of my low status. Only wanted to be friends and even told her. Also told her i don't make a lot of money. She lost interest. She is way higher on pay and status scale, although she has no friends and family. Also alone like me. She killed me inside again.

It's amazing if she said yes to either friendship or relationship with you. I never read/hear about such connections. I just want to warn you everything starts off amazing but ends badly. Expect nothing so you don't get disappointed if something goes wrong.

 

[medievil]

a bit of an update....
Likely NOT gonna work out, I think she is a little more tied to her childs father.. Though I do get mixed signals...she goes out of her way to let me get to know her better/tells me things about herself....so I dunno...
I have no other prospects and don't meet new people, so I can afford to wait awhile to see what happens

 

[U-122]

a bit of an update....
Likely NOT gonna work out, I think she is a little more tied to her childs father.. Though I do get mixed signals...she goes out of her way to let me get to know her better/tells me things about herself....so I dunno...
I have no other prospects and don't meet new people, so I can afford to wait awhile to see what happens

Maybe she thinks the same way as you. She's tied to her ex but has nothing better than you for now. Hence mixed signals. Does she try to get to know you the same way she allows you to get to know her? Does she ask questions? That's a very strong sign of her being interested in you. When i was with someone it was only because it was my turn to be with them. Then after me it was someone else's turn to be with them. And so on. Just like your co-worker's ex. It was his turn, now it's yours, whatever little you have going with her. Until something better comes along. That's what happened to me. What you need to keep in mind.

 

[M_also_lonely]

You are entering a dangerous territory.
The fantasyland.

These fantasies will keep evolving.
You will keep wondering "what if..." and you'll be 80 and wish you had taken the courage.
Two gains: Regret and many lost potential partners.

Well, what if she says no? Her saying Yes or No is not important. She's just a person. Not the 'idealized' version that you have in mind. In your ideal version, she doesn't have flaws, she doesn't snore, honeysuckle, sweat, fart, or age. But in reality, she's just a human.
Your attraction is towards the 'ideal' version of her. And hence, the more you postpone, deeper will be the longing and misery.

You are at a crossroads (since you mentioned you've never been in a true relationship).
What you do this time, is what you will do the next time. And the next time. And forever. What do you want to do the next time? Have the courage to go and talk, like those guys do?
Well, then you will have to do it this time. This is what's important.

So the best is to express your feelings as soon as possible. Do your best. Speak with absolute courage and confidence.
If she says no, kindly don't dive into more fantasies and obsessions.
Remember, a true lover is never stuck.

 

[medievil]

You are entering a dangerous territory.
The fantasyland.

These fantasies will keep evolving.
You will keep wondering "what if..." and you'll be 80 and wish you had taken the courage.
Two gains: Regret and many lost potential partners.

Well, what if she says no? Her saying Yes or No is not important. She's just a person. Not the 'idealized' version that you have in mind. In your ideal version, she doesn't have flaws, she doesn't snore, honeysuckle, sweat, fart, or age. But in reality, she's just a human.
Your attraction is towards the 'ideal' version of her. And hence, the more you postpone, deeper will be the longing and misery.

You are at a crossroads (since you mentioned you've never been in a true relationship).
What you do this time, is what you will do the next time. And the next time. And forever. What do you want to do the next time? Have the courage to go and talk, like those guys do?
Well, then you will have to do it this time. This is what's important.

So the best is to express your feelings as soon as possible. Do your best. Speak with absolute courage and confidence.
If she says no, kindly don't dive into more fantasies and obsessions.
Remember, a true lover is never stuck.

if only it were that easy.... whole situation is a little more complicated, we work fairly close together....and currently my anxiety is not ready to make that kind of move... she also suffers from anxiety and currently may not be ready for me to make that kind of move either...

 

[U-122]

You are entering a dangerous territory.
The fantasyland.

These fantasies will keep evolving.
You will keep wondering "what if..." and you'll be 80 and wish you had taken the courage.
Two gains: Regret and many lost potential partners.

Well, what if she says no? Her saying Yes or No is not important. She's just a person. Not the 'idealized' version that you have in mind. In your ideal version, she doesn't have flaws, she doesn't snore, honeysuckle, sweat, fart, or age. But in reality, she's just a human.
Your attraction is towards the 'ideal' version of her. And hence, the more you postpone, deeper will be the longing and misery.

You are at a crossroads (since you mentioned you've never been in a true relationship).
What you do this time, is what you will do the next time. And the next time. And forever. What do you want to do the next time? Have the courage to go and talk, like those guys do?
Well, then you will have to do it this time. This is what's important.

So the best is to express your feelings as soon as possible. Do your best. Speak with absolute courage and confidence.
If she says no, kindly don't dive into more fantasies and obsessions.
Remember, a true lover is never stuck.

Advise i would take if my situation was different and i still wanted to get involved with women. No point in waiting for something. When i was "chasing" girls i was after one who seemed to like me but she also liked everyone else. I put a lot of effort trying to get close to her, wasted a lot of my time. She seemed nice. Someone told me ask if she likes you back and tell her you want to be her boyfriend. It was decades ago but i remember it like yesterday. I asked her with courage and confidence. She said no. My first rejection. I felt relieved and never wasted my and her time again. Rejection didn't feel good but i recovered within a day or so. Maybe a little longer. I had no one else at that time but i was so inexperienced and confident i didn't care. A few years later i ran into her she was with a good looking guy who seemed much better than me. There's always someone better. If anyone ever gives me time of day again i'll definitely keep your advice in mind. Most recently with courage and confidence i told someone i liked her. She replied with courage and confidence she didn't like me. Now doesn't give me time of day, ignores me like i'm invisible garbage. Sometimes being straight forward with courage and confidence backfires hard at me. I never recovered. I do agree no point in waiting for something for OP.

 

[michael2]

Sorry to say it, but it seems very unlikely she is interested in you.

Women who are interested in you ask very personal questions like do you have a girlfriend, do you have kids.

She likes you as a friend, that's it. Sorry, but a girl I liked recently pretty much ended up the same way. I thought she maybe liked me as a possible boyfriend, but she only wanted to be friends. It hurts. But the truth is when a girl likes you she will usually make it pretty obvious. You won't have to wonder about it.