Don't know how much more I can take

[Z]

I really don't know how much more I can take. It's been one of "those" nights. Of course I have no friends. I never really had one. I'm not even sure they exist. I'm so tired of peoples games. I'm so tired of being hurt. I guess I have to just keep on taking it. I guess there's just no choice. I guess I just keep on going.

I can't feel anything anymore. Sometimes when I'm lucky I still feel pain. It's almost getting to be a choice whether I let myself feel it or not. I'm trying to better my life but it seems like the harder I try the more life fights me.

Why can't I just find one person I can trust? Is it really so hard? Is everybody as alone as I am? Is this what life is just a revolving door of people? Nobody sticks around for more than a few weeks at a time. People just come and go. I'm so tired.

 

[motiv]

hey yeah i totally understand you im on the same boat your on as well. Kinda like when everything sucks but its bareable except some days it really does get to you right? That there is a general emptyness which you cant explain and you feel all your good for in life is just breathing and not doing much else, if you want to talk about things e-mail [email protected], i think we have much in common

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Z,

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough period in life right now. Yes there are real humans on this earth who will be your friend. It's so hard to find real friends, but they are out there. Just waiting for you to find them. You need to work on getting yourself strong and in a good place mentally so that you can be there for them, too--so that you have things to offer to your friends and honestly, part of that is being as positive as you can in life. life is already so hard, that's why ironically the people who need friends the most, who are depressed angry and negative, have a hard time attracting friends. Hugs. Courage!

 

[alexp]

Hello there Whoever u are, i am totally going through almost the same
thing as you feel man. Nobody sticks around anymore... Haha but please
do read my post. look for post by me "alexp" and read my tough Life Stories.

I'm alone everyday for 27 years. in Singapore. A City-State where everything
and anything moves at lightning pace, chasing
for a better tomorrow, where we'll just be chasing for more.

But the truth is, i found out really, is that Happiness is so simple! Believe it! (Smile)
once u understand it, you'll be free. Some people told me that i was going through
just a rough patch in life. But the fact is, my "rough patch" began since i was born
until now! read my story yea?

Anyhow, i'm glad its finally over, coz i got hit by the truth.
I won't focus so much on people anymore. instead i focus on my own beliefs and
strengths and I'm just proud of my self everday inside, and yet i continue to be humble.

Go out to look at the trees and plants and flowers. smell some of them. The barks,
the soil and the leaves. They are the manifestation of Life. Move along with Life, coz
we all owe him something for bringing us up. Stare at him honestly at his face. and
you will be told what to do.

 

[duckierules7788]

i am eighteen and aren't you suppose to be having the time of your life at this age...i havve no friends no one wants to be my friend and i never have a boyfriend or even been kiss...i am a loser...

 

[Robin]

We all are different and i'm not totally sure, but quite, that the most common problem with not having all the friends we want is because of low self-esteem, being shy, simply put. It's like a decease which need something out of the ordinary to be "cured". Having low self-esteem is like being a bit depressed even at the best of times, and getting friends when You're depressed is far from easy.

I don't have many friends at all and haven't had a real one for years. I have no idea how Your growth went by, but i completely blame my parents for everything bad in my life. And i'm not talking about being physicly mistreated; i've never broken any bones from a fall because of my parents not being around or something like that. They gave me what i needed to live, nothing more.

What i'm trying to say is that the reason why it's hard for a person to get friends or find love is because they haven't been shown enough love during their growth, simply put. If You always recieved alot of caring words, hugs and kisses from everyone while You grow up, the world is, to You, a place where this is compeltely normal; where everyone are supposed to like and love eachother. You get good at doing what it takes to find that which You seek to get You glad; friends.

I sucked at this completely during my youth, especially my teen-age. I didn't know how to get friends and even worse; at some points i didn't even want to get friends, because it just felt weird having one now that i had been raised to believe that You aren't supposed to have any "automactically"; You gotta fight, hard, to find them.

Does what i've written above seem logical to You? Does it perhaps even describe You? The part about not knowing how to get friends is most probably correct, i presume. And normally You might think a "well that's a good place to start then!" would be fitting here, but i don't think it is, actually. If You, like me, have had this problem for the mostpart of Your life, i think it is important to begin with getting to know Yourself better, because when You do, You can change Yourself in the right way.

The person that i am right now, for example, didn't even exist three years ago. I were suicidally depressed and had been that for over five years. No matter how many people there were around me, none of them felt close to me enough for me to expect any love from them. They weren't "supposed" to be my friends, because then they would toss themselves over me and we'd be best buddies for ever. But since that never happened... You get the hint.

I changed. I gave up who i were, my entire past and history and created a new, better Robin. The person that You are right now, aiming at everyone who feel like our good friend Z here do, is a person that can be so full of life and love that You, by Yourself, could make peace all over the world. But why aren't You? Howcome You feel so powerless about all this?

Because You aren't 100% Yourself. You are partly someone else, someone who isn't good for You. These people were, in my case, my parents. My loveless, never-hugging parents, who were, and still are, slaves to the money, working their asses off, not caring about anyone's than themselves.

Now, i'm the opposit of them; i'm loving, i hug even people i recently met goodbye when we part, i sing and whistle to show my joy, i'm showing the world that You can whatever You want to be. Of course, this has some change for the worse too; i'm poor, i want to learn about everything instead of actually taking a job, i waste hours of hours of my life just sitting on a bench in the sun to enjoy it instead of doing something "better".

But the best part about it... is that i love all this! I love my life like it is right now, i love everything i do because i have formed it all to be like this all by myself. I care about my looks, i love working out, i like greeting lonely strangers on benches to see a temporal smile on their face. I have nobody else within me than the person that i was born to be; myself, not some depressed, ugly idiot who should study his ass off to become a millionaire.

Everyone can do this, but since everyone also is different, it all has to be put together in different phases and speed.

If You feel that what i've written above seems sane to You, You could check out a post i wrote to a guy last night about changing, if You want to; here.

Otherwise i would gladly talk to You in private to maybe get You to feel a little better. Send me a private message with Your e-mail and we could be pen-pals. Together we can do anything.

 

[Z]

It's me again Z. How long did I make it before another of "those" nights? Let's see. That was the 31st of May and tonight is the 15th of June. That's not too bad. I guess. It's been more than 2 weeks.

Well I got burned again tonight. It's always the way isn't it. There's nobody who even knows that I'm alive. Well except you good people out there. I'm so glad this place exists. At least I have somebody to talk to. Ok so maybe it's not with but at least to.

I was so burned tonight. I lost someone who said they cared that I've been talking to for months. The person decided to just walk away. Of course they had to pin the blame on me so they could live with themselves.

Surprise!! I don't want you in my life anymore.

So many people do this it hardly even phases me anymore. I'm a good friend. I'm honest. I'm loyal. I'm caring. All of that doesn't matter though. I guess people get bored. We're all disposable to each other now I guess.

This should really hurt and all I feel is numbness. What a day it's been. This couldn't have happened on a worst day.

I wish there was just someone out there that I could talk to. Someone who was honest. Someone who was good but I guess that's just too much to ask.

So here I am again with myself. I'm all I have. I'm all I'll ever have. I guess it could be worse company.

I can do this. I can keep going. I can make it. It's just a few more years left. I'm almost done.

I really don't know how much more I can take. It's been one of "those" nights. Of course I have no friends. I never really had one. I'm not even sure they exist. I'm so tired of peoples games. I'm so tired of being hurt. I guess I have to just keep on taking it. I guess there's just no choice. I guess I just keep on going.

I can't feel anything anymore. Sometimes when I'm lucky I still feel pain. It's almost getting to be a choice whether I let myself feel it or not. I'm trying to better my life but it seems like the harder I try the more life fights me.

Why can't I just find one person I can trust? Is it really so hard? Is everybody as alone as I am? Is this what life is just a revolving door of people? Nobody sticks around for more than a few weeks at a time. People just come and go. I'm so tired.

 

[keeper]

Hi Z.
I've read your posts and I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I've been there, I mean.
Every time I've started a friendship I've tried to be a good friend: honest, loyal, caring, also generous and magnanimus (at least I've tried to be every time I could).
If I consider the end of every friendship, I realize that all the things I've done were pointless. My ex-friend whether got bored and went away or simply they just got from me what they needed and wanted. Now, I've come to the conclusion that human beings are egoist (including me): you may treat them well or mean but they will be around you as long as they need you (or something you have got).
I know it may sound cynical, or sad, but this is what I've learnt from my own experience. Last year I've learnt that this rule is effective in general for every kind of human relations: a woman preferred to be treated mean by some man instead of being treated like a queen by me. She said she was tired of me. Fine. I don't blame her anymore: I think that's her nature. I can only blame myself for having been stubborn as a mule, believing she could somehow change.

 

[Z]

Hey Keeper
Yep you basically summed it up with your egoist statement. I relate on the woman issue too. That's happened to me only about a thousand times. Women get bored because as they put it "you're too nice". Every woman wants a good guy until she gets one lol then I've noticed they tend to get bored. I can't be bad/an abusor type either so that doesn't leave me with too many options.

People will take whatever they can get from you and if they get too much they get bored. I think that's how I've summed it up in my own head. The only exception I've witnessed to this is probably money. They'll tolerate the boredom a lot longer if that's involved but eventually even that inflates their ego to the point that they begin to think they're so great that they can get what they get from you anywhere else lol. Time away from you as their benefactor usually alleviates that ego inflate so I've noticed.

The strange part of all of this is that sometimes they get bored, go out back into the rest of the world, realize how good they had it with you, then want to come back. I've learned the hard way never to let them back. They only get bored again lol.

Modern human behavior is not very advanced. I would say it borders on the animalistic. I honestly regret having to say these words but it is our current reality.

Hi Z.
I've read your posts and I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I've been there, I mean.
Every time I've started a friendship I've tried to be a good friend: honest, loyal, caring, also generous and magnanimus (at least I've tried to be every time I could).
If I consider the end of every friendship, I realize that all the things I've done were pointless. My ex-friend whether got bored and went away or simply they just got from me what they needed and wanted. Now, I've come to the conclusion that human beings are egoist (including me): you may treat them well or mean but they will be around you as long as they need you (or something you have got).
I know it may sound cynical, or sad, but this is what I've learnt from my own experience. Last year I've learnt that this rule is effective in general for every kind of human relations: a woman preferred to be treated mean by some man instead of being treated like a queen by me. She said she was tired of me. Fine. I don't blame her anymore: I think that's her nature. I can only blame myself for having been stubborn as a mule, believing she could somehow change.

 

[keeper]

Hi again, Z.
Thanks for reading my post.
Once again I see similar traits in both our experiences. Despite my growing rant, I can't be bad too. Maybe if I started to act bad I could get something more. But I don't really feel like I want and can.

Money and power are the only things that in my opinion make some people tolerate longer the boredom, and yes, when eventually they want to come back it's better to shut our door right on their face - once I've reopened my door and still I repent for that: I did it because I thought my duty to give a hand to a person who was allegedly in a state of difficulty, even if this person had done me wrong before.

As for modern behaviour, I think that it only depends on the lack of morals. Most of the people do what they want, their actions have no bounds.

 

[Z]

Right bad doesn't work for me either. I've tried. I make it just so far until I can't look myself in the mirror then I have to fix everything that I've done wrong so much so that it's taught me to just avoid doing it in the 1st place. That and I've found that I can't even begin to compete with other peoples level of bad. It's useless. It's like trying to fight an army with a hand gun. I rather have nothing than to get it by anything less than good means anyway.

It took me a few times to learn about keeping the door closed. People seem to follow the same path of behavior all the time. I've yet to meet anyone who's different in that respect. So now I employ the 1 chance rule.

Yes and again you're right about most people doing exactly what they want with no bounds. I have bounds and limits and just so much I can live with. Those bounds don't seem to come anywhere near other peoples'. I guess that would be my diagnosed problem although I admit that I don't consider it a problem at all.

I need to find others with genuine consciences. This is what i need.

Hi again, Z.
Thanks for reading my post.
Once again I see similar traits in both our experiences. Despite my growing rant, I can't be bad too. Maybe if I started to act bad I could get something more. But I don't really feel like I want and can.

Money and power are the only things that in my opinion make some people tolerate longer the boredom, and yes, when eventually they want to come back it's better to shut our door right on their face - once I've reopened my door and still I repent for that: I did it because I thought my duty to give a hand to a person who was allegedly in a state of difficulty, even if this person had done me wrong before.

As for modern behaviour, I think that it only depends on the lack of morals. Most of the people do what they want, their actions have no bounds.