Dont want to spend the rest of my life alone!

[sb8686]

I have always been shy. I'm 23 and at about 15 I came down with a serious case of social anxiety. So bad I had to leave public highschool and be homeschooled. Not only because I had anxiety but because I couldn't relate to ANYONE! I just couldn't take the drama and the immatureness of highschool. I admit now that it was a mistake as I missed out of alot of social skills prom..trips... etc.

It got better with years though. I've had good jobs made friends.
Lost my BEST friend 3 years ago christmas eve to a drunk driver.

She was my CLOSEST friend the one who understood me the most.
I'll never have a friend like her again. Since all of my "friends" have moved on with their lives and sad to say none of them are too successful. Not people you should be around....

So Im alone. It's SO hard to make friends! I feel like im desperate!

Came out of an EXTREMELY abusive relationship about 2 1/2 years ago. Started dating another guy who eventually became my boyfriend. He's a great guy. We just broke up before Christmas.

We were together 2 years and I am SO insecure and have SO much anxiety I never came around to meet his family!

I feel unworthy like a big joke! I have NO friends SMALL family. and socially disabled!
As you can see this has totally ruined my chances at a happy life! What can I do?????????? I tried medication Im not depressed...I didn't like how i made me feel...

 

[HMoon]

The problem here is inner confidence and to be honest as much as I'd like to say 'have more confidence', it doesn't really help does it? It comes through what a wise man calls 'false head' (Read the Last Lecture, amazing book, imo). Basically, the only way you can get confidence is by feeling good, feeling in control, and feeling like things will go well. The tricky bit, is to fight that initial anxiety and fear that things will NOT go well.

I really recommend you to join societies (or something of that sort) where you will meet more people. Thats what I did this year, and far from the rejection I envisioned, they were keen to let me into their social circles even if I quit some because I didn't particularly enjoy the activity (sport). The fake head in this is, while you set off to expand your social circle..what you're really doing is improving your confidence subconsciously, and lets face it, confidence is a subconscious trait, something you never think about in the moment but KNOW it was there afterwards.

-D

 

[sb8686]

Thanks

 

[ragiop]

Wow, sounds like you've had a lot of bad luck. I can only echo what HMoon said.

But I would love to be your penpal!

I've been feeling lonesome lately even though I live in London. I'm 19, I've never had a girlfriend, I hardly have any friends, and I used to doubt myself in everyway; too ugly, too stupid etc. But, I've decided to try and branch out and be a little bit more outgoing and talk to people. And then you realise that people are just as uncertain as you are, and everyone is a bumbling idiot, stuck in the washing-machines of their own head. So, my point is...it's all ok, because everyone is the same?!?!?!?! But clearly your experiancing something that not many people experiance; losing a close friend etc.................sooooo, yeah...

 

[Badjedidude]

sb8686: Well I'm glad to hear that you're not getting too stuck on meds! I've seen a lot of people turn to medications as a solution for their societal problems...and it just doesn't work that way.

Social skills are learned through constant use, just like any other skill. You wouldn't just go to the store, pick up an expensive CNC metal cutting machine, and start using it without even reading the operation manual, would you? It's the same with social skills. You start out small and work your way in to learning more and more about how to operate in society ( as far as making friends, attending parties, gifting, etc).

And as far as learning social skills, I think this site is the perfect place to do that! The people here are pretty nice and understanding. I'm sure everyone here has a willing ear for you, to hear your story, let you vent when you're upset or sad...or just to chill and chat about nothing in particular! Most of the people here will understand where you're coming from...because we're all on ALonelyLife for a reason! ^_^

----Steve

 

[Ridin Solo]

I'm in the same predicament. If I had the easy answers I probably wouldn't be here... but look on the bright side... you're very attractive and look friendly/approachable enough. Try working with that.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

wow..I can so relate.
I'm sorry for your lost. Losing someone really close to you hurts a lot.
Toxic relationships sucks....
A break up is not an easiest thing in the world to process.
I nevered liked it when I was on meds.
aND nope...I don't really want to spend the rest of my life alone.

Don't give up on yourself. Maybe give yourself sometime to process your break up.
yeah...it's a little bit tough becuase during these time you need friends and family.

Maybe get to know yourself. Your hopes and dreams.What you want out of life.
Do activities that interest you.
Maybe try join in club, art & craft, a support group or some volunteer work...
This way, you're not isolating yourself and it gives you a chance to be around people...
but not all the time. So it's not a major shock to you.
Maybe go take a walk in nature or a flower garden if there's one where you live.
A hobbie club or art/craft are cool becuase this way you'll have something in common with people
talk and chit chat about.

Try to get out of your house everyday...just to be around people even if you don't really inneract with them , verbally at first
I used to go for a walk at a park everyday....well that's becuase there's a lot of poeple there..even though I didn't talk to anyone at first.
Baby steps....
At first i felt like vomitting being around people.

I didn't lack socail skills...Being around people just made me sick.
Having gone through an abusive relationship...a lot of trust got destroyed.
Losing someone very close to me...well, life just seem a little bit retarded in general.
Then a broken heart to add more flavor..just to makesure I know it's really retarded and sick...

But I still love me though. I know life can be beauitful inspite of it all.

 

[Madddddy_T]

Hi SB!

Aw I know what you mean by feeling socially retarded!, I have people in my life who would call themselves "friends" to me, but realistically these people aren't friends, I've been so manipulated and used by these people that it's left me unable to trust anyone and not wanting anybody to get to know me because I don't want it to happen again. I so badly want to have positive people in my life who I can confide in and they feel they can confide in me, but i'm too scared to. My brother is my best friend but he's moved over the other side of the world and I can't talk to him like I used to, which hurts so much. I feel like crying just thinking about it.

Anyway...

I'm so sorry you had to experience an abusive relationship, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been!. You are so strong for getting through that though and moving on. I guess I can't really offer much advice without sounding stupid after what I've said above, but you have NOT ruined chances at a happy life! you're 23 and seem like a sweet person and I really hope things get better for you.

 

[except]

Hi SB!

Aw I know what you mean by feeling socially retarded!, I have people in my life who would call themselves "friends" to me, but realistically these people aren't friends, I've been so manipulated and used by these people that it's left me unable to trust anyone and not wanting anybody to get to know me because I don't want it to happen again. I so badly want to have positive people in my life who I can confide in and they feel they can confide in me, but i'm too scared to. My brother is my best friend but he's moved over the other side of the world and I can't talk to him like I used to, which hurts so much. I feel like crying just thinking about it.

Anyway...

I'm so sorry you had to experience an abusive relationship, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been!. You are so strong for getting through that though and moving on. I guess I can't really offer much advice without sounding stupid after what I've said above, but you have NOT ruined chances at a happy life! you're 23 and seem like a sweet person and I really hope things get better for you.

If u r a positive person (but i think u r), u will find new friends. I had friends that they only appreciated me if i do something for them. The used that i am a good person. That's why i left them and found new friends, but my best friend is my sister .

 

[*Sigh*]

A lot of times, I think the things I will do are weird and would make me look stupid, which in turn gives me anxiety and self-confidence issues. But I try to think of how people would of me by how I would think of myself, and so far I think I'm a lot better of than before. Like if I would want to meet people, I would sorta think about how I would meet myself and approach people that way. I mean after all, were all the same species so we probably have a far more similarities than differences.

I started college like 4 months ago and decided to break out of my loner status, and doing this has made me a few friends (at least people that say hi to me).

 

[Despair]

To the OP:

Try not to be hard on yourself, and try to stay away from drugs except as a last resort. I have always found it proposterous that people want to treat an emotion, such as depression or anxiety, with drugs. Though I do realize in some cases (such as chemical imbalances, clinical depression, etc) this may be valid. Whenever I feel depressed I don't think "take a pill" I think about what is making me sad, reason why it is making me sad, and accept it as my opinion even if everyone else in society thinks it is not the least bit sad. If I find that my feelings are "outside the norm" I don't assume myself to be defective.

You probably don't live in a small country village where everyone is friendly and knows each other. Life tends to be the exact opposite of this: a fast paced group of strangers all clustered together, competing over jobs, rushing to meet deadlines, trying to live up to everyones expectations, to make friends, fall in love, and all while having to be suspecious enough that you don't wind up hurt or taken advantage of in some way.

With a world like this, it's only natural to feel some apprehension and anxiety. It's not you, its the world, and part of it is the fact your friend is no longer around and you're lonely. Life is going by and you have become another faceless stranger cast out into the fold. I know the feeling all too well. As for getting over it and making friends I have only this observation:

I bet you find it easier to speak over the internet or a forum such as this. (and a great forum it is, filled with kind and supportive people.) You can be anonymous, and things happen at a relaxed controllable pace. In whatever way you find comfortable enough to interact with others, you should seek out those with similar experiences that you can relate to. Friendships form when people bond over something and the more you relate and get to know each other the less of a stranger you become. Not being immediately comfortable around others is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Trust is something that must be earned, and really good friendships are often not easy to come by.

 

[lonelycollegeguy00]

I have always been shy. I'm 23 and at about 15 I came down with a serious case of social anxiety. So bad I had to leave public highschool and be homeschooled. Not only because I had anxiety but because I couldn't relate to ANYONE! I just couldn't take the drama and the immatureness of highschool. I admit now that it was a mistake as I missed out of alot of social skills prom..trips... etc.

It got better with years though. I've had good jobs made friends.
Lost my BEST friend 3 years ago christmas eve to a drunk driver.

She was my CLOSEST friend the one who understood me the most.
I'll never have a friend like her again. Since all of my "friends" have moved on with their lives and sad to say none of them are too successful. Not people you should be around....

So Im alone. It's SO hard to make friends! I feel like im desperate!

Came out of an EXTREMELY abusive relationship about 2 1/2 years ago. Started dating another guy who eventually became my boyfriend. He's a great guy. We just broke up before Christmas.

We were together 2 years and I am SO insecure and have SO much anxiety I never came around to meet his family!

I feel unworthy like a big joke! I have NO friends SMALL family. and socially disabled!
As you can see this has totally ruined my chances at a happy life! What can I do?????????? I tried medication Im not depressed...I didn't like how i made me feel...

My name is Darrell, just wanted to say that your not alone! Im truly sorry for the lose of you best friend. It is extremely hard to make friends for me too. I am pretty shy too and its like nobody cares or even wants to talk to you. I am 24, in college, and have no friends to talk to and hang out with. It sucks. Anyways, nice to see there are some good people around!

 

[Sway]

I really recommend you to join societies (or something of that sort) where you will meet more people.

Your doing that right now, I would count this forum as a society, good job for completing step one!

Also like Badjedidude said, social skills require leveling up.......I always thought about learning to be social as a game..... Every time i had a good conversation with a stranger I took it as EXP, then gradually you think of yourself level up. Eventually you just let the talking happen without thinking......It might sound nerdy, but it worked for me, maybe you should find a way that makes socializing feel easier for you? cuz IMHO, if you turn to meds you always end up relying on them, it's better to gun thru it without them..

and also,,Think about it this, once you build back ur self-confidence, it's never going to break, cuz you've already been through all that you just have to overcome this little hurdle...... Soo don't give in to those negative thoughts! And keep posting on the forum, we can all relate in one way or another!!

 

[Badjedidude]

Also like Badjedidude said, social skills require leveling up.......I always thought about learning to be social as a game..... Every time i had a good conversation with a stranger I took it as EXP

XD Spoken like a true RPG nerd. Welcome to the club!

----Steve

 

[Olde shoe]

If I do end up alone in life, I hope to become a sketch comedian. It would be awesome especially that I'm at my most creative whenever I'm depressed. I'd make a good sketch comedian.

 

[Badjedidude]

Awesome, Old Shoe...do you do shows much? Or joke with friends? ^_^ You should post something on youtube and share it here!

----Steve

 

[Olde shoe]

Awesome, Old Shoe...do you do shows much? Or joke with friends? ^_^ You should post something on youtube and share it here!

----Steve

I've made a lot of my friends laugh. I get really nervous in front of the camera but I'll try to make a video sometime and post it on youtube.

I like nonsensical comedy. Sort of like Monty Python weirdness.

 

[Badjedidude]

Haha I like Monty P.

That'd be awesome if you shared with us all. ^_^

----Steve