I try to post what I can, when I can here for the best of sharing insight. But I've got my own frustrating little situation. I've been caught up in an anxiety funk since the military screwed me up. I've been unable to look most people in the eye unless I truly force myself to and it's had a severe, almost life-altering impact on my ability to find work or socialize with people. I'm now actually nervous around the judging, curious, and unprepared stares I'm given by others.
it's also impacted my ability to maintain relationships with my family and friends. I can't look at my father in the face anymore. I don't know why either, he's hardly an element of anxiety to me. As for the rest of my situation, I feel I've inadvertently and uncontrollably isolated myself from the world out of fear. I still step outside and go to public places. I just don't communicate anymore. Not out sheer shyness, but almost out of a form of fear...
So it's been roughly 7, going on 8 months since I moved from the cozy, suburban environment I once lived in and had friends at and now live in an apartment with my folks on the congested streets of the city where I know no-one. Meanwhile, each and every one of the few friends I had in that suburb have all found their own lives to live. Ones that take precarious steps to oust mine out of theirs, or so it seems... My best friend there at the time, one whom I've known since 2005, became a pot-head and a drunk. Listening to Juggalo music and sponging off of his mother's disability while doing pretty much nothing with his life intentionally because he's not independent like I am. Mostly hangs out with thugs and such. Then there's the other friend whom I've known since 2003. He and I were great friends in middle school all the way up till two years ago or so. He grew distant from me in the time I was in the military. I dunno, he may have taken me as dead or something once I joined. He was... Really surprised to see me back and alive. He began to hang out MUCH more with his high school buddies and neighborhood friend who would show up to his band's shows at the local venues. In time, he pretty much pushed me off his interests and found other friends more pertinent to his immediate interests of music.
I've not had many other friends since around my graduation of high school. Most of those I met and befriended there were superficial and temporary. Nowadays, and even after that time, I've become a shut-in more against my will than anything. Financial conflicts have kept me locked tight in a very isolated world while those who have claimed to be my friend have very easily found more important people to give a **** about. I don't know if I'm more lonely and depressed about it or just bitter and disgruntled...
Here it is, Christmas Eve where I am. No tree, no fire burning, no stockings, no presents, no family or friends. I feel like an ass too for being so ungrateful to my limited, online friends, who have wished me well. It just doesn't feel like it matters to me. Sure, sure, Holiday blues and all that crap. It's just not helped that every year has gotten astronomically worse for me. Closer to entombing debt financial, and every year, less allies to even give me some kind of psychological support. The stress has gotten so bad, even my goddamned hair is falling out of my head...
I think I'm just gonna... Walk around the apartment complex for a while. Try to drown out the silence with my music. Video games can't do that for me anymore. I'm just miserably tired of feeling disconnected from society and having no power to unite myself with it once more. Because of my terror, my physical weaknesses, and my psychological dependency on people who can't do anything to help me or care not to. These things, I must forget. I just wish they didn't control me... I don't know how else I can get away from it since I can't seem to confront it. After all, how does one use honeysuckle like friends, hope, or confidence to destroy things like dysthymia, hormonal imbalance, a genetic history of crippling Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Crones disease?
Yeah, drowning out the silence. That's all I can do for now...
it's also impacted my ability to maintain relationships with my family and friends. I can't look at my father in the face anymore. I don't know why either, he's hardly an element of anxiety to me. As for the rest of my situation, I feel I've inadvertently and uncontrollably isolated myself from the world out of fear. I still step outside and go to public places. I just don't communicate anymore. Not out sheer shyness, but almost out of a form of fear...
So it's been roughly 7, going on 8 months since I moved from the cozy, suburban environment I once lived in and had friends at and now live in an apartment with my folks on the congested streets of the city where I know no-one. Meanwhile, each and every one of the few friends I had in that suburb have all found their own lives to live. Ones that take precarious steps to oust mine out of theirs, or so it seems... My best friend there at the time, one whom I've known since 2005, became a pot-head and a drunk. Listening to Juggalo music and sponging off of his mother's disability while doing pretty much nothing with his life intentionally because he's not independent like I am. Mostly hangs out with thugs and such. Then there's the other friend whom I've known since 2003. He and I were great friends in middle school all the way up till two years ago or so. He grew distant from me in the time I was in the military. I dunno, he may have taken me as dead or something once I joined. He was... Really surprised to see me back and alive. He began to hang out MUCH more with his high school buddies and neighborhood friend who would show up to his band's shows at the local venues. In time, he pretty much pushed me off his interests and found other friends more pertinent to his immediate interests of music.
I've not had many other friends since around my graduation of high school. Most of those I met and befriended there were superficial and temporary. Nowadays, and even after that time, I've become a shut-in more against my will than anything. Financial conflicts have kept me locked tight in a very isolated world while those who have claimed to be my friend have very easily found more important people to give a **** about. I don't know if I'm more lonely and depressed about it or just bitter and disgruntled...
Here it is, Christmas Eve where I am. No tree, no fire burning, no stockings, no presents, no family or friends. I feel like an ass too for being so ungrateful to my limited, online friends, who have wished me well. It just doesn't feel like it matters to me. Sure, sure, Holiday blues and all that crap. It's just not helped that every year has gotten astronomically worse for me. Closer to entombing debt financial, and every year, less allies to even give me some kind of psychological support. The stress has gotten so bad, even my goddamned hair is falling out of my head...
I think I'm just gonna... Walk around the apartment complex for a while. Try to drown out the silence with my music. Video games can't do that for me anymore. I'm just miserably tired of feeling disconnected from society and having no power to unite myself with it once more. Because of my terror, my physical weaknesses, and my psychological dependency on people who can't do anything to help me or care not to. These things, I must forget. I just wish they didn't control me... I don't know how else I can get away from it since I can't seem to confront it. After all, how does one use honeysuckle like friends, hope, or confidence to destroy things like dysthymia, hormonal imbalance, a genetic history of crippling Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Crones disease?
Yeah, drowning out the silence. That's all I can do for now...
