Dumped. Again.

[Millarca]

Hi all.

So, on July 4th, my so-called fiance ended our 2.5-year-long relationship. Well, it was two years and eight months to the day.

We had issues, and I feel like I've probably written about them here. He was lazy, unambitious, and he just generally did not have his life together. I didn't have mine together either, thanks to long-term unintentional unemployment, but I wasn't satisfied with or complacent about it. He was dissatisfied with his life, but not enough to do anything about it. That was only one of my frustrations with him.

I told him, on July 4th, before I went to visit my mom and sister for the holidays, that I was considering moving back home. I felt that we needed physical space - NOT space from the relationship. He felt that we needed more than space. He said that he didn't see things changing and that we were both unhappy. So he said he didn't want the relationship to continue.

I know it's for the best. I knew it would come to this because we are so different. But... I loved him. I stayed, for years, despite my frustrations with him. And my issues with him started popping up early into the relationship (like, three months in). I wanted to stay because he made me laugh, he got me a puppy (who is STILL the love of my life), and ... I loved him. I got very close with his mother and his brothers. It was really serious.

It hurts to look at my phone and not see a text message. It's like ... he doesn't even care. It's as if he turned off his feelings so easily. The next day, I asked him, "Do you just not care to see our dog ever again?" (I know, that's lame). Our dog slept between us in the bed every night, and he kissed him like ... you could see the love in his eyes, or so I thought. His response? "I got him as a gift to you."

...

Like, WHO ARE YOU? I don't get it. We've had issues and arguments, but this is just strange to me. I'm starting to feel that he's seeing someone else.

As I said, I know that we were not compatible. My issue is that I feel so discarded, and by someone I love. This wasn't like any of my other relationships; we were engaged, and I saw his family every single day. And, from July 3rd to July 4th, he just completely changed. He doesn't care how I feel; he doesn't care if I'm crying, coping or happy right now. He just doesn't care. I don't get it.

I can understand that he might have gotten frustrated because he was paying all of the bills. I get that. But... me moving out would have fixed that. I was going to move back to my hometown, where there are more jobs. I thought that when we both got our lives together, we could live together again with the relationship never ending. Instead, he called for a complete termination of our relationship. I never called for an end to the relationship, despite my previously mentioned frustration, the fact that I did all of the cooking and the cleaning, the fact that we used my car solely (since his has been broken since the day I met him), and the fact that his parents, for whom he worked, did not respect him.

As dumb as it sounds, I THINK I want him back. I feel like he, our dog and I were a family. I miss having that.

My questions are these: 1) How do I stop feeling sorry for myself? 2) I have to go back next week to get my things. If I see him, how am I supposed to act? 3) Should I not even want him back?

Thank you all! I'm a mess.

 

[ardour]

It sounds like he's the all-round loser here.
3/ a better question is why should you want to get back with someone who obviously didn't care that much about you or respect you. He obviously doesn't miss you or want to stay in touch. It's probably best you didn't marry him, feelings of loss and attachment will fade with time.

 

[Millarca]

It sounds like he's the all-round loser here.
3/ a better question is *why* should you want to get back with someone who obviously didn't care (much) for you or respect you.

It's hard for me to believe that about him - that he is uncaring or that he doesn't care about me - even as it's staring me in the face.
When defending him to my mother, who has disliked him all along, I'd say, "Well, at least he's caring. He cares about me. He's so much better than the last one ... and the one before ... and the one before." I mean, this is a man who hated seeing me scratching my bug bites. Now, he just doesn't give a ****? It's so shocking.

And to answer your better question, it's probably because I'm a big idiot.

:/

---

Oh. I forgot.

Another reason I'm so miserable right now is that I'm completely alone. I don't have a single male or female friend. And my mother? She says things like, "How long do you think he's going to let you keep your stuff there? He's got to have room for his new woman." As if this is something funny. So I have no support system. I'll be homeless, pretty much, when I move my stuff from his house. I should be more concerned about that. Instead, I'm so hurt about his throwing me away as if I never mattered to him. Nothing he said was mean. He said that he was not happy about the way he was treating me (yelling and swearing at me). He said that we needed to get our lives together. He never said, "I just don't want you" or "I'm into someone else." But ... I know better. He just doesn't WANT me anymore. He wouldn't give up a person he wanted. So.

 

[Tiina63]

It must be so hard for you to have all this to deal with. To have invested a lot emotionally in a long term relationship and to go through all kinds of issues together for it all to end can be devastating. And you were close to his family as well, which is something you don't seem to have with your own family.
I wouldn't necessarily see his not keeping in touch as not caring about you, though-sometimes when a relationship ends, whether you are the one ending it or the one on the receiving end, lack of contact can be the only way to cope with the turmoil of emotions inside. Maybe he thinks that if he were in touch with you it would make the situation even more unbearable for you both as it would drag out the ending and be more painful in the long term. His own inner conflicts could be responsible for his lack of contact.
Not having a support system makes the whole situation far harder for you as well. Don't you envy those characters in TV series and on films who have a whole stack of friends who come running at a time like this, who listen to you and let you cry, who let you rehash everything that happened in the relationship? Instead you have to hide your pain and somehow carry on
on your own. At least you can come here, and we can help out.
When you go for your things could you ask him to have them ready for you so that you can just pick them up and leave immediately? Or could he leave them outside the door five minutes before you are due to arrive so that you don't have to see him? Or, if you have a key, ask him not to be in when you go there.
Don't ask yourself if you should even want him back. When it comes to this sort of emotional dilemma there is no 'should.' Your feelings are your feelings and it is natural that you would want him back.

 

[Millarca]

It must be so hard for you to have all this to deal with. To have invested a lot emotionally in a long term relationship and to go through all kinds of issues together for it all to end can be devastating. And you were close to his family as well, which is something you don't seem to have with your own family.

I wouldn't necessarily see his not keeping in touch as not caring about you, though-sometimes when a relationship ends, whether you are the one ending it or the one on the receiving end, lack of contact can be the only way to cope with the turmoil of emotions inside. Maybe he thinks that if he were in touch with you it would make the situation even more unbearable for you both as it would drag out the ending and be more painful in the long term. His own inner conflicts could be responsible for his lack of contact.

Not having a support system makes the whole situation far harder for you as well. Don't you envy those characters in TV series and on films who have a whole stack of friends who come running at a time like this, who listen to you and let you cry, who let you rehash everything that happened in the relationship? Instead you have to hide your pain and somehow carry on on your own. At least you can come here, and we can help out

I had never thought of this, the loss of a family, somewhat, that I never really had. My mom is great to me, financially. She will give me $100-$200 every time I visit her, or even when I'm not visiting her. But that's it. She used to be physically abusive, emotionally abusive and verbally abusive. She's not physically abusive anymore, as I'm an adult, but otherwise, she has not changed. Even though his mom and I had a few disagreements, she hugged me, told me she loved me, said I was much like the daughter she never had and generally thought my mother's treatment of me was shameful. The brother, to whom he was the closest, and I got along so well. When it was the guy, his brother and me, I was just like one of the guys. We'd be silly and have fun together.

But ... it hurts that neither the mom nor that brother has done anything to check on me. They have withdrawn as much as he has. For someone she considered "the daughter she never had," I can't understand why she has not once picked up the phone to make sure I'm okay. They all know that I suffer with depression, and the guy knows that I've attempted suicide in the past. Not only that, I'm untreated for depression now because I've lost insurance, along with losing my job a year ago.

It's hard to imagine how this man, who knew and supposedly loved me for 2.5 years, could just abandon me. Same goes for his mother. No, he shouldn't have remained in a relationship in which he was unhappy. I don't expect him to do that. But if he regarded me as even a friend, I am confused on how he seems to not care at all.

It's so odd; I have a few friends in an online game that I play. And when they talk to me like any real-life girlfriend would, I eventually want them to leave me alone and to stop talking. It's almost as if ... I want to be alone to mope and cry. I feel terrible to say that, but sometimes, they are too much. They want me to do this, and this, and this... and I'm thinking, "I just want to cry."

When you go for your things could you ask him to have them ready for you so that you can just pick them up and leave immediately? Or could he leave them outside the door five minutes before you are due to arrive so that you don't have to see him? Or, if you have a key, ask him not to be in when you go there.

I am thinking of going back tomorrow, while he is at work, to get my dog and a few things. I have no idea how I'm going to move my dresser, bed, bookshelf, etc. My mom has made my former room a storage room, so it's packed and has no room for anything, let alone me and a dog. That's why I should be more concerned with the fact that I'm facing homelessness, and not his seeming disregard for my life and my feelings.

Don't ask yourself if you should even want him back. When it comes to this sort of emotional dilemma there is no 'should.' Your feelings are your feelings and it is natural that you would want him back.

You're right. But I feel so dumb wanting something and someone back that obviously wasn't meant to be.

Thank you for your response

 

[EveWasFramed]

I don't know that there is any blame to be placed in this situation to be honest. It seems that the two of you weren't really compatible and that the relationship went on longer than it should have.

Go get your things when he isn't there (less painful) and be more cautious in the future when you start seeing red flags go up after only three months.
Also, just because he doesn't act like it's any big deal doesn't mean he FEELS like it isn't a big deal. Or that's just my two cents on how I've seen some men react to this kind of situation.
It's not you, it's not him, it just IS.

 

[Case]

When I was dealing with my separation and divorce, I did an exercise to get over my ex. It may or may not work for you:

Take a piece of paper (or use a computer) and list every bad trait of your "so-called fiance." List every nasty habit, every irritating phrase, and every tiny detail that you did not like about him. Be specific. Anything that has ever irritated you about him, write it down. This should not be too difficult.

The point is to accumulate a list of his lesser qualities (we all have 'em) in order that you train your head and heart into seeing him in less romantic terms. The more you focus on what you didn't like about him, the faster you will be over him.

Take your list and read it over and over. It's not meant to get you angry, but to force you from thinking of him in any idealized way.

If it works for you like it's worked for me, you will eventually stop seeing him in glowing, romantic terms, and you will start to move forward with the amazing life you have ahead of you. (And it *will* be amazing.)

Heal well.

 

[Tiina63]

Yes, I would have thought that his family would have got in touch to see if you are ok. You clearly got on well with them and were treated as one of them. It would have been nice if they had at least called you to check on you, especially as you have a history of depression. Sometimes the sheer thoughtlessness of people really depresses me. They may be acting out of a sense of loyalty to him, but you would think that they could at least care enough to call you.
It is natural that you need time to yourself, to cry and to grieve. Online friends and 'ordinary' friends can be helpful, but when you are dealing with a highly emotional situation, sometimes you just need to withdraw like a wounded animal into a hole and cry and cry without feeling pressurised by anyone into going out somewhere or into doing something. There will be time in the future for picking up the pieces and going out and about, but at present you need to be free of that pressure. People mean it for the best when they want you to do things as they wrongly think that it will 'take your mind off things.' Instead, if you go along with what they want, you end up sitting with people feeling like a zombie totally out of it and detached from them, praying to be alone so that you can cry.
I hadn't realised that you had furniture at his place. For some reason I had envisaged clothes, books, DVDs and some small bits and pieces. Do you know anyone with a garage where you could store your stuff till you find somewhere new to live? Or could you sell it by advertising in the local newspaper or shop window and have some money in your pocket?

 

[Millarca]

I don't know that there is any blame to be placed in this situation to be honest. It seems that the two of you weren't really compatible and that the relationship went on longer than it should have.

Go get your things when he isn't there (less painful) and be more cautious in the future when you start seeing red flags go up after only three months.
Also, just because he doesn't act like it's any big deal doesn't mean he FEELS like it isn't a big deal. Or that's just my two cents on how I've seen some men react to this kind of situation.
It's not you, it's not him, it just IS.

I think this is all very true, Eve.

I think my big problem is not that I have to have him; it's that I really saw him and our dog as MY family. I don't have anyone who loves me completely and unconditionally. With him and his family, I felt that I had that from at least him. Now, I'm back to having nothing.

I feel like I've lost a lot - way more than just a relationship with him.

---

When I was dealing with my separation and divorce, I did an exercise to get over my ex. It may or may not work for you:

Take a piece of paper (or use a computer) and list every bad trait of your "so-called fiance." List every nasty habit, every irritating phrase, and every tiny detail that you did not like about him. Be specific. Anything that has ever irritated you about him, write it down. This should not be too difficult.

The point is to accumulate a list of his lesser qualities (we all have 'em) in order that you train your head and heart into seeing him in less romantic terms. The more you focus on what you didn't like about him, the faster you will be over him.

Take your list and read it over and over. It's not meant to get you angry, but to force you from thinking of him in any idealized way.

If it works for you like it's worked for me, you will eventually stop seeing him in glowing, romantic terms, and you will start to move forward with the amazing life you have ahead of you. (And it *will* be amazing.)

Heal well.

I hope it will be amazing. But, for now, I don't even feel like doing anything that would make it amazing. I just want to mourn. And for what? I know it's senseless, but I just feel this sense of great loss.

I had read somewhere before to make such a list. I know that will help me realize that he wasn't that great and not great for me, but... I think I'm still going to struggle with the fact that I've lost the very little I had in life.

:/

But thank you for that suggestion. I will do it!

---

Yes, I would have thought that his family would have got in touch to see if you are ok. You clearly got on well with them and were treated as one of them. It would have been nice if they had at least called you to check on you, especially as you have a history of depression. Sometimes the sheer thoughtlessness of people really depresses me. They may be acting out of a sense of loyalty to him, but you would think that they could at least care enough to call you.
It is natural that you need time to yourself, to cry and to grieve. Online friends and 'ordinary' friends can be helpful, but when you are dealing with a highly emotional situation, sometimes you just need to withdraw like a wounded animal into a hole and cry and cry without feeling pressurised by anyone into going out somewhere or into doing something. There will be time in the future for picking up the pieces and going out and about, but at present you need to be free of that pressure. People mean it for the best when they want you to do things as they wrongly think that it will 'take your mind off things.' Instead, if you go along with what they want, you end up sitting with people feeling like a zombie totally out of it and detached from them, praying to be alone so that you can cry.
I hadn't realised that you had furniture at his place. For some reason I had envisaged clothes, books, DVDs and some small bits and pieces. Do you know anyone with a garage where you could store your stuff till you find somewhere new to live? Or could you sell it by advertising in the local newspaper or shop window and have some money in your pocket?

The mother sent me a text yesterday. It read, "Hope your Fourth went well and that you are doing okay." It was nice but bittersweet; it makes me sad that the guy I was with took that from me. I'm left with my emotionally abusive mother who never has ANYTHING nice to say to or about me. My sadness is starting to turn into hate. I can feel that sort of change happening. But I don't want it to be that way. I'd prefer to wake up and forget I ever knew him.
I don't know many people at all. The person I do know (my mother) doesn't have much room at all. I suppose I might have to sell it, though if I can find a place to live, I might need it. He said to me yesterday that I don't have to rush to get my furniture out because he knew I had to get things arranged. How supportive...
But, of course, he's chosen to eject me from his life. Thus, I feel a great need to eject myself fully and immediately.

 

[Millarca]

I can't believe my luck over the past few days.

I was bawling my eyes out last night, and after reading and hearing from others that I should not call him, no matter what, I decided I wouldn't. But I live a very lonely life. I literally had no one else to talk to. So I called him, and we talked for a little over four hours. And I told him that I just felt like our relationship was worth fighting for, that I loved what I considered to be my family (me, him and our dog). He started listing all the things I needed to change, if he were to consider taking me back. I got a little aggravated because there are things we BOTH need to change. I had to let him know that he didn't need to do me any favors, and I didn't like the direction the conversation was going (him doing me a favor by letting me come back to him)? So I had to change it, and I started letting him know what would have to change. We ended by saying we'd think about it overnight.

He called me this morning and said that he decided that he wanted us to work on things and to come back home. He even said "I love you" before we ended the call. I can't even explain how much I missed hearing that, that SOMEONE loved me.

I'm still a little ... annoyed that he seems to think that only HE had to decide whether or not he wanted to work on the relationship. It was my call too.

Anyway, out of nowhere and after over a year of unemployment, I get a call from one of the staffing agencies with which I'm registered. Usually, they say, "there's this job that's come up. We'll forward your resume to them, if you're interested in the job, and they will decide whether they should continue in the application process with you." No. This time, it's direct hire. And it starts tomorrow! It pays super-low, and it's only part-time, but I will take anything at this point. It would only be about $200.00 a week, but I could keep my car! I NEED THAT!

So, in the past few hours, I regained my fiance and a job! I'm super excited. However...

I'm feeling kinda weird about the fiance. I don't want to get back with him, and things on his end stay the same while he's watching me to see if I've changed. I'm already changing. One of his issues was that I was unable to contribute financially. I still can't contribute financially. At $800.00 a month, and my car note, by itself, is $265.00, I can't help him. But I'll at least be able to take care of a few things for myself. And the job is where he lives, not here in my hometown (where my mom and sister live). Thus, I HAVE to live with him again. However, I don't know, the things he's put me through in the past few days and just the general tone of our conversation (that he's giving me another chance - not that WE are giving the relationship another chance) worry me.

Am I thinking too much? Should I just give this a shot and see where it goes?

I am definitely going to put aside money every month (maybe $100) if possible, to save up for an apartment. Because I want to be ready if it doesn't end well. Plus, I think I need more independence.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi Millarca, I hope that your new job is going well and that it eventually leads on to something more.
I can see why you have such mixed feelings about your fiance. On one hand it is good that he says he loves you and that he wants to talk about where things went wrong and to work on things, and hopefully to get back with you. On the other hand, he seems to be putting the entire responsibility to change onto you. It is as if he blames you for all the things which went wrong in the relationship and is only having you back in his life if you make the changes which he wishes you to make. What will he be doing and changing about himself to improve your relationship?
As you will be working parttime and on a low wage, would you be able to claim financial help with rent? If so, you could rent a place of your own in your bf's hometown near to your new job and not have to live with your boyfriend until and if you become sure that this is what you want. Being dependent on him for the roof over your head while you are unsure about your relationship would put you in a vulnerable situation. You might then accept things which, in a less vulnerable postion, you would not accept.