Im currently living in an abusive family and funnily enough have only just really become aware of it all. Part of the abuse was in fact to have me convinced that I am the protagonist and my family are my victims.
My parents and brother have constructed this false paradigm which justifies everything they've done. The next issue is the fact that I AM guilty of plenty of crimes. Ive done things im ashamed of - ive definitely brought my family down a few social pegs and no mistake. Most of the things I refer to happened between 0-14 after which I had a sort of Damascus and from there on in gradually made changes. Admittedly I started to experience depression which screwed me over in the academics department and led to me becoming a painkiller addict which was a whole new vice which I havent yet licked yet but which I have under some control. My plan is to get my university finals and the rest of my coursework completed and then to kick it to the curb for and and for all.
After I finished my a levels (took 3 years due to the failed year) I ended up dropping out of uni which was completely my fault. I got in with the local stoner circle - they were the only group of people who I felt I could relate to on any level except they hated my guts and I ended up in the situation im in now locked in with people who hate me to bits and pieces. Long story short we were caught smoking and I ended up lying to save my own yellow streaked ass .
My family problems only really began when I left for uni. Once I was there the relationships deteriorated. They reasoned that the quieter home environment was a direct result of my absence. I was caught between 2 abusive extremes. Hanging with the stoners I felt like a total freak - I began to develop a severe and all encompassing obsession with my appearance I even attempted suicide and nearly ended up sectioned for something completely unrelated to that. All that time I never had a shoulder to cry on and I was too far gone to benefit from any offers .
I reasoned that if I were to admit to what I had done i'd be homeless. Catch 22. Either admit and be homeless or forced to become unacceptably dependent on the circle or not admit and be left friendless but still with accomodation. It turned out that I was hung drawn and quartered anyways. Cheaters never prosper and they escaped punishment while I had to escape before I was rehoused!
My problems began when I came back home to a reception so frosty I could see my breath clouding the air.It went from frosty to fiery and the games began. The situation had shifted subtly. The household had a new leader and his crown barely fit on his head. My younger brother controls the household from behind the scenes. Of course whenever this is suggested eyes roll but i've come to this conclusion hesitantly and over 6-7 months.
Just so you know what my brother is capable of, someone in the house has been contaminating my mum's cosmetics (were an italian family and something like that is just unforgivable) she's got MS anyway and ensuing mobility problems so she is vulnerable.
Anyway she suffered some serious health consequences and there are 2 possible suspects my dad and brother. It could easily be my dad but I just doubt it somehow. Its more likely to be my brother. Some of the things he's done are evil but unless you have been on the receiving end they seem innocous. It would be admirable if it didnt point to something pretty sinister.
I have been diagnosed with misophonia which is something aspergers sufferers will be well acquainted with but may not have given a name - its selective sound sensitivity, that is certain sounds reduce me to a quivering mass of flesh and jellied bone - the incident with me jumping out a moving car was a result of my misophonia.
I was trapped in the car hurtling along the motorway eating concrete at 80mph and he starts singing (thats one of the stimuli apparently sensitivity to family sounds are really common) in short it continued on and on and my anxiety climbed until it became so unbearable that I was opening the car door. He saw my anxiety rising, he was sat right next to me he knew that what he was doing was causing my reaction but he didnt care. Even after the door was opening he actually continued.
My family play mindgames with me. Often on the weekends when theyre all present. It begins on friday and persists until the weekday and the cycle begins again. Its as if something occult descends on the family for each weekend. My dad for instance will be perfectly congenial weekdays but come friday bang! im suddenly the reason he wants to leave my mum im hopeless weird a freak useless. Then the others start and for the last few weeks its reached a fever pitch and ive been inconsolable crying uncontrollably.
She'll begin an emotionally charged discussion for instance she'll call my dad a paedo (I know I know I dont believe he is - he's just incredibly innapropriate...) and drag stuff up from the past. She'll go on like a harpy with conviction and when the listener gets involved she uses several tactics to ensure that no matter how untenable and illogical her position she wins.
Case in point I discussed how every single one of my suicide attempts were directly due to things that they had done. Its not really something that requires a massive bust up. Something caused me to try and take my own life and I just happened to be in the room when it happened so I know what triggered it. My mum however either ignored me completely, changed the subject constantly,shouted me down, deflected questions such as me:why are you doing this her:why are you doing this me youre hurting me her:youre hurting us. By that time invariably im in tears or recently self harming. The other week after one such session I ended up covered in blood.
The worst thing and the thing i'll end this rambling claptrap with is that she has admitted that they do deliberately torment me. Its revenge for my mistakes. Theyve graduated from physical violence to emotional violence. Ive on ocassions got on my knees and plead wit her to stop torturing me and asked why she was doing it, and the response has always been I deserve it - and this with me wailing the house down curled up in a ball. There are times I thought that if it were possible to die of despair I would and I dont exaggerate its what I believe hell would be like. That cold clammy realisation that you have an eternity of pain with no means of escape in front of you. Thats what I have.
There's loads more but these are the most salient points. Im not perfect and the last few years I must be honest and admit that ive been deadweight. In the last days/weeks ive been really pulling out all the stops to keep the house going. Scrubbing sweeping and sweating - theres been no change however - its always been the same thing. No matter how hard I try my efforts are spat on. My mum told me the other day that I had no right to discuss anything emotional with her that I had no right to love and that if I wanted emotional support I needed to go to a therapist.
I havent mentioned my dad's affairs, the acussations of child abuse, the physical violence to me as a kid being called ugly, seeing my dad almost jump out a moving car because my mum was using the tactics I described on him (like I said its fiendish and you have to experience it) experiencing the same thing myself but at the hands of my brother the various incidents between my brother and I that have scarred me. Oh we've all suffered if im honest. Its just an abusive situation. My sadness is that apparently when im not there theyre the model family. I dont believe im to blame for their behaviour but it frustrates me that there'll be no "Payback". It sounds wrong I know but I need to know that the universe is just and that evil is punished and good rewarded. A happily ever after would just be wrong.
My parents and brother have constructed this false paradigm which justifies everything they've done. The next issue is the fact that I AM guilty of plenty of crimes. Ive done things im ashamed of - ive definitely brought my family down a few social pegs and no mistake. Most of the things I refer to happened between 0-14 after which I had a sort of Damascus and from there on in gradually made changes. Admittedly I started to experience depression which screwed me over in the academics department and led to me becoming a painkiller addict which was a whole new vice which I havent yet licked yet but which I have under some control. My plan is to get my university finals and the rest of my coursework completed and then to kick it to the curb for and and for all.
After I finished my a levels (took 3 years due to the failed year) I ended up dropping out of uni which was completely my fault. I got in with the local stoner circle - they were the only group of people who I felt I could relate to on any level except they hated my guts and I ended up in the situation im in now locked in with people who hate me to bits and pieces. Long story short we were caught smoking and I ended up lying to save my own yellow streaked ass .
My family problems only really began when I left for uni. Once I was there the relationships deteriorated. They reasoned that the quieter home environment was a direct result of my absence. I was caught between 2 abusive extremes. Hanging with the stoners I felt like a total freak - I began to develop a severe and all encompassing obsession with my appearance I even attempted suicide and nearly ended up sectioned for something completely unrelated to that. All that time I never had a shoulder to cry on and I was too far gone to benefit from any offers .
I reasoned that if I were to admit to what I had done i'd be homeless. Catch 22. Either admit and be homeless or forced to become unacceptably dependent on the circle or not admit and be left friendless but still with accomodation. It turned out that I was hung drawn and quartered anyways. Cheaters never prosper and they escaped punishment while I had to escape before I was rehoused!
My problems began when I came back home to a reception so frosty I could see my breath clouding the air.It went from frosty to fiery and the games began. The situation had shifted subtly. The household had a new leader and his crown barely fit on his head. My younger brother controls the household from behind the scenes. Of course whenever this is suggested eyes roll but i've come to this conclusion hesitantly and over 6-7 months.
Just so you know what my brother is capable of, someone in the house has been contaminating my mum's cosmetics (were an italian family and something like that is just unforgivable) she's got MS anyway and ensuing mobility problems so she is vulnerable.
Anyway she suffered some serious health consequences and there are 2 possible suspects my dad and brother. It could easily be my dad but I just doubt it somehow. Its more likely to be my brother. Some of the things he's done are evil but unless you have been on the receiving end they seem innocous. It would be admirable if it didnt point to something pretty sinister.
I have been diagnosed with misophonia which is something aspergers sufferers will be well acquainted with but may not have given a name - its selective sound sensitivity, that is certain sounds reduce me to a quivering mass of flesh and jellied bone - the incident with me jumping out a moving car was a result of my misophonia.
I was trapped in the car hurtling along the motorway eating concrete at 80mph and he starts singing (thats one of the stimuli apparently sensitivity to family sounds are really common) in short it continued on and on and my anxiety climbed until it became so unbearable that I was opening the car door. He saw my anxiety rising, he was sat right next to me he knew that what he was doing was causing my reaction but he didnt care. Even after the door was opening he actually continued.
My family play mindgames with me. Often on the weekends when theyre all present. It begins on friday and persists until the weekday and the cycle begins again. Its as if something occult descends on the family for each weekend. My dad for instance will be perfectly congenial weekdays but come friday bang! im suddenly the reason he wants to leave my mum im hopeless weird a freak useless. Then the others start and for the last few weeks its reached a fever pitch and ive been inconsolable crying uncontrollably.
She'll begin an emotionally charged discussion for instance she'll call my dad a paedo (I know I know I dont believe he is - he's just incredibly innapropriate...) and drag stuff up from the past. She'll go on like a harpy with conviction and when the listener gets involved she uses several tactics to ensure that no matter how untenable and illogical her position she wins.
Case in point I discussed how every single one of my suicide attempts were directly due to things that they had done. Its not really something that requires a massive bust up. Something caused me to try and take my own life and I just happened to be in the room when it happened so I know what triggered it. My mum however either ignored me completely, changed the subject constantly,shouted me down, deflected questions such as me:why are you doing this her:why are you doing this me youre hurting me her:youre hurting us. By that time invariably im in tears or recently self harming. The other week after one such session I ended up covered in blood.
The worst thing and the thing i'll end this rambling claptrap with is that she has admitted that they do deliberately torment me. Its revenge for my mistakes. Theyve graduated from physical violence to emotional violence. Ive on ocassions got on my knees and plead wit her to stop torturing me and asked why she was doing it, and the response has always been I deserve it - and this with me wailing the house down curled up in a ball. There are times I thought that if it were possible to die of despair I would and I dont exaggerate its what I believe hell would be like. That cold clammy realisation that you have an eternity of pain with no means of escape in front of you. Thats what I have.
There's loads more but these are the most salient points. Im not perfect and the last few years I must be honest and admit that ive been deadweight. In the last days/weeks ive been really pulling out all the stops to keep the house going. Scrubbing sweeping and sweating - theres been no change however - its always been the same thing. No matter how hard I try my efforts are spat on. My mum told me the other day that I had no right to discuss anything emotional with her that I had no right to love and that if I wanted emotional support I needed to go to a therapist.
I havent mentioned my dad's affairs, the acussations of child abuse, the physical violence to me as a kid being called ugly, seeing my dad almost jump out a moving car because my mum was using the tactics I described on him (like I said its fiendish and you have to experience it) experiencing the same thing myself but at the hands of my brother the various incidents between my brother and I that have scarred me. Oh we've all suffered if im honest. Its just an abusive situation. My sadness is that apparently when im not there theyre the model family. I dont believe im to blame for their behaviour but it frustrates me that there'll be no "Payback". It sounds wrong I know but I need to know that the universe is just and that evil is punished and good rewarded. A happily ever after would just be wrong.
