End it or not?? That's the question.

[DakotaDesert]

I am in a relationship with a guy who does not know what he wants. One day he says that I do not show up a lot and when ask to see him, knowing that he is at home, alone, doing nothing, he says NO and does not give any reason. One day he is attentionate and very nice and loving (in his attitude only) and the next day he tries to make me run away from him. When I have plans with some friends because he is not available and I want to continue to live my life, he acts like he is jealous, he makes comments. I have been told by his friends that he likes me but I have been told also by them that I have to be patiente. I know he had a very bad relationship before that made him go very deep down. I am almost sure that he acts the way he acts because he is scared to be hurt again but will never admit it. He always says that he is not ready for a serious relationship but uses that excuse as a game because he thinks that girls are only interested in unaccessible men. And of course he thinks that I am staying for that reason. What a bad idea!! Because right now I am ready to end that relationship, that he wants me to consider as a "friendship with benefits" by the way, but I really like him and because of that I hesitate. Any advice?

 

[Van Hooligan X]

there's more then 2 options here:

1 - end it - attacking is the best if your sick and tired of him
2 - carry on - defense is the best offense, but it's your relationship so your choice
3 - discuss the problem - i'd say use this one, have a serious convosation about it with him and he may stop doing it i'd say use this tactic



bonus van option(since i hope it works out for you ):
4 - grab the nearest shotgun, point it to his face and tell him to stop doing that or you'll blow his nutsack off - this will lead to him listening to what you say if he treasures his life and then you also know he'll never do anything to upset you ever again...that or lead him to needing help because of the traumatic event :S

 

[Lonesome Crow]

will...stop giving him benifits.....just joking.

Whatever dicision you make you be good for you.

Just know a break up is not going to be easy...you'll go through emotional
roller coasters for a while..whether you do the breaking up or not.

However do not use it as a bargining chip or an altimatum.
Be clear with your motives and intensions and follow through.

If you find your partner not being avaliable to you metally and emotionally
and if that's what you need and what for you life...then do not feel guitly
for needing that.

If you deem it acceptiable for you to wait and have patince with him
then do so.

Make the decision for yourself. This will be better for you in the long run.
Do not have any guilt or shame about your decision.

I get the feeling you feel like you're being used.
You're BF might not relized that's how it's making you feel or effecting you.
If somehow you find this relationship not benifitaul to you and somehow
it's effecting your self worth or self esteem...please walk away from it.
You are important too. You deserve to be love and cherish and not hurt...as he has been hurted.

As you said...he's not ready to have a long term relationship or anytype of relationship
at the moment. He just wants a sex partner...which is okay too.

You're emotionally attached to him. If you have sex with him each time
your body is going to be attached to his for at least 72 hours.
Maybe try not having sex for a week and notice the differnt in your perspective.

Relationships are very difficult to make a good decision with a clear mind or without emotions.
Can you make this decision without emtions being involved ?
Generally I don't make the best of dicisions base off of my emotions.
Think with you head and follow heart...
Not think with your heart and follow your heart..lol

If you made it clear to him already what you want from this relationship
then he has already giving you an answer. It might not be an answer
you like to hear..but at least he's being honest to you about
where he is at in his life. He's bascailly saying he can't give you want
he dosn't have at the moment or never.
In other word he can't give you what he dosn't have...LOVE.

You can never change him..as he can never change you.
He'll grow out of that on his own time...maybe tomorrow maybe 20 years from now
or never. You can't fix him.

It can turn into a co-dependecy really, really fast.
Eventaully you'll get to the piont of having to face the same decision or cross roads.

As long as the pain of leaving is more that the pain fo staying....I was staying.
and I stayed for years.

The doctor Jykle and Mrs. Hyde routine drove me freaken crazy and more confused the
longer I stayed. The more confused I got ..the more it drained me.
The more drained I got , The harder it was for me walk away.
Eventaully she left me for dead away ..simply becuase she never grew out of whatever the fresia
she was going through or didn't get over...it was all about her.

Of couse I was attracted to her. Which made it more difficult.
The relationship wasn't healthy.

I can't make this decision for you. Nor I assume you're life will trun out like mine.
However ..I do recalled asking this very same decisions or question many, many
years ago...when I was still level headed...

Yes...we did the just lets be fresia partners, roomies and be friends.
That's now sick it got.
It went on for years an the realtionship got sicker and sicker.
I got sicker and sicker. I alway hope somehow she would get well.
Eventaully...just taking a stroll together as a normal healthy couple would do
became a long lost dream. When you get into argument of having a romanic moment
somehow it kind of takes the romance and love out of it.lol
Who would had thought a woman didn't want to romanced ???. In a sick relationship it'll makesence.

You can't never force someone to love you nor wait for someone to learn how
to love you...A person either love you or dosn't.

There's millions of avaliable men that's Avaliable..avaliable and can give you
what you want.

It's what's acceptiable to you or not.
Please be loving and gental to yourself no matter what decision you make.

 

[Nyktimos]

3 - discuss the problem - i'd say use this one, have a serious convosation about it with him and he may stop doing it i'd say use this tactic

He cares for you or he doesn't. Trust me, I understand it's not easy for people like him to be in a relationship while trying to protect themselves from being hurt, but you folks need to talk. If you love him (I assume you do or you'd have scraped him off your heel by now) and he loves you, you need to make sure he realises that he is not listening to your feelings, and you're worried that you will both end up hurt and alone unless things change. You may have to be willing to accept some of his problems will simply not go away, or that it may take a long time to earn his trust. He needs to accept that it's difficult for you the way things are.

Of course, if you don't actually love him, or he really does see you as just a lay and isn't merely trying to protect himself, you are worth more and have to decide whether you want to dump the sucker and find someone else who'll treat you with respect. Lonesome Crow's suggestion about not having sex for a while is a good one. It might bring both your true feelings to the surface.

 

[DakotaDesert]

Thanks to all of you for your advice, it helps.
I will not dump him. I will give him the time he needs to get over his fears. But in the mean time I will think about me and try to be let emotionally involved and if it takes him too long to realize that I am here for him and I find a great guy who loves me, I will say byebye to him. Being miserable because of a man, I know what it is and I refuse to go back to that situation. It is too painfull.

 

[Naleena]

Dakota, I see so many red flags here it isn't funny. See your post below.
The question shouldn't be whether you dump him or not, but, are you wanting THIS kind of relationship? When a man says he isn't ready for a relationship- take him at face value. Especially if he wants "friends with benefits." From what you have written, he knows you care for him and it's apparent he doesn't care about how YOU feel because he wants sex. He is willing to overlook his "pain and past heart ache" for his own pleasure. ...just not for you. He sounds like a manipulator from what you have written. I know this may be strong to take but, I don't want you to get hurt. Don't worry about him..or why he does what. It's not all about him. You have a heart too, ya know?Worry about you and what you need from a relationship. Remember, theres always a faster gun. You DESERVE better.

I am in a relationship with a guy who does not know what he wants. One day he says that I do not show up a lot and when ask to see him, knowing that he is at home, alone, doing nothing, he says NO and does not give any reason. One day he is attentionate and very nice and loving (in his attitude only) and the next day he tries to make me run away from him. When I have plans with some friends because he is not available and I want to continue to live my life, he acts like he is jealous, he makes comments. I have been told by his friends that he likes me but I have been told also by them that I have to be patiente. I know he had a very bad relationship before that made him go very deep down. I am almost sure that he acts the way he acts because he is scared to be hurt again but will never admit it. He always says that he is not ready for a serious relationship butuses that excuse as a game because he thinks that girls are only interested in unaccessible men. And of course he thinks that I am staying for that reason. What a bad idea!! Because right now I am ready to end that relationship, that he wants me to consider as a "friendship with benefits" by the way, but I really like him and because of that I hesitate. Any advice?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Danial was a very beautiful vibrent young women.
I'd take her dancing, out to dinner and have sex with her all the time.
We even lived together for a while. Danial did anything and everything for me.
I didn't even have to pay rent while I was living with her.
I made more money than her. She was madly in love with me.
Here was that thing...I seldom showed love and effection for her in public.
After sex I would never hold her. I never brought her home flowers.
Danial knew I was seperated from my wife. She gave me plenty of time.
I told her I had a hell of a time and didn't want to get hurt again..
But I didn't have a hard time hoping in to sack with her.
Sometimes I can hear Danial cry herself to sleep.
All she wanted from me was to just hold her...not even all the time...just hold her
every once in a while as if I had somtype of love for her...after all I was having
sex with her every night.

I was so cuaght up into my own bullshit to not even to be able to just hold her.
The more sex i had with her the more she got attached to me.
I remember Danial on her knees crying her heart out and even after that she
would offer her body to me in tears. She just wanted me to hold her and love her.
Danial gave me more love, sex and understsanding than my ex-wf ever did.
But I ripped her fucken heart out becuase it was still all about me.
I'm not really proud of what I did. I hurted Danial more than my ex-wf ever hurted me.

I won't go too much into details with Lois..
bascailly the samething...I had a hard time making a commitment.
I left without even packing hardly anything...
Lois was in fucken tears begging me not to leave. We just had sex a couple of hours
previously. I lived with her for 6 months.

I woke up during the night ....Lori ran down the stairs in tears chasing after me
and asked me what the fresia i was doing and why the fresia I was leaving...why ??
Lori was a very beautiful young woman. She treated exaclty the same why Danial treated me.
She loved me and nursed me back to life after I tried to killed myself with benifits galore..
I was messed up out of my fucken mind...still thinking about my ex-wf.
I lived with her for around 5-6 months.

Sheryl pack her god **** bags and left me.
mmmm 5 years of living with me was a long ass time for a gal to wait for me to ask her for marriage.
She gave me 1 year to make up my god **** mind..and I still didn't pop the question.
Errr..but I would mention about my fucken ex-wf every so often still...
Yet I had sex with her all the time. If she would had waited 2 more years we would had been legally married

 

[jodyathornton]

Take it from someone who has been around a long time. I've had relationships like this before and all I did was end up getting hurt. I've noticed that once men are like that, they don't change until they get older and few women want them. It sounds like he's in it for himself and doesn't really care what you want. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I've seen it happen too many times.
I've also noticed that when a woman is in a relationship like this, the more a man pushes a woman away, the more she wants him. You have to dig deep inside yourself and ask if this is how you want to live your life. It will be a long time before he changes.

 

[DakotaDesert]

All of you are right. I went to see him today and show up without notice, just to see his reaction. He was nice but showed me, nicely but he did it anyway, after 10 minutes that I had to leave. So I decided to just forget about him. For me it is over.

 

[DakotaDesert]

That's right, I will be hurt and the sooner I stop this relationship the less it will hurt. So it is over for me and I will let him know when he will call me asking why I do not show up or do not call him. Lets him taste some of his own medecine. Thanks to everyone. Your different advices helped me a lot.