Mike510
Well-known member
I guess everyone knows my story about my fiancée leaving me but it's just like every single thing I do in life causes me misery. I am at a point now where I can't even be home anymore because it causes me to much pain. I put in my applications for jobs that never hire me, and then I leave the house for the rest of the day because I can't stay here without hurting. I walk around trying to get memories out of my head, drive around to no specific location wondering if there is any person out there that feels the same.
When I come home for dinner I feel so depressed, I can barely eat. I go to my room for the rest of the night. I will sit at my computer, come on here and check FB. What do I get out of it? Maybe if I am lucky someone will ask me how I am doing? I check Facebook, everyone seems to be so happy in their lives and it's like I don't deserve that or something? I just think, if I died right now, would any of these people honestly care? And then it gets back to the ex again, just knowing 1 year ago I was with someone who told me she would always be there for me when I need her. I can't even speak to her now, even when she sends me something it's just to much pain to see her or know about her.
When I lay down to go to bed every night, all I do is lay there and just look around. For the first 18 years of my life, I was only allowed to leave this house for school and nothing else. Nearly every minute of my childhood was here in this room. When I graduated I wanted to go out and enjoy life, and after 18 years of being in my room yes I had social problems, who wouldn't? I did what I could and I meet someone who meant the world to me. Someone I trusted with 100% with everything, and who told me she trust me 100% as well. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could do something more than come home to this room every night. Suddenly I am nothing to her. And what for? Because I couldn't move right away to be with her. When I returned, what was there for me? The same old room I had spent my life wasting away in.
It's getting to the point now, where I look at the room and it feels like this is all my life will ever be. The more I look at the room, it feels like it gets smaller and smaller every minute until I feel like it's a noose around my neck, choking the life out of me, making it so I can't breath.
There is no end in site to the sadness, I know the common thing would be to just tell someone to get over it but it doesn't work like that. The memories in my head don't allow me to just get over it, the feeling of sadness and worthlessness aren't going to go away at the snap of my fingers.
When I come home for dinner I feel so depressed, I can barely eat. I go to my room for the rest of the night. I will sit at my computer, come on here and check FB. What do I get out of it? Maybe if I am lucky someone will ask me how I am doing? I check Facebook, everyone seems to be so happy in their lives and it's like I don't deserve that or something? I just think, if I died right now, would any of these people honestly care? And then it gets back to the ex again, just knowing 1 year ago I was with someone who told me she would always be there for me when I need her. I can't even speak to her now, even when she sends me something it's just to much pain to see her or know about her.
When I lay down to go to bed every night, all I do is lay there and just look around. For the first 18 years of my life, I was only allowed to leave this house for school and nothing else. Nearly every minute of my childhood was here in this room. When I graduated I wanted to go out and enjoy life, and after 18 years of being in my room yes I had social problems, who wouldn't? I did what I could and I meet someone who meant the world to me. Someone I trusted with 100% with everything, and who told me she trust me 100% as well. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could do something more than come home to this room every night. Suddenly I am nothing to her. And what for? Because I couldn't move right away to be with her. When I returned, what was there for me? The same old room I had spent my life wasting away in.
It's getting to the point now, where I look at the room and it feels like this is all my life will ever be. The more I look at the room, it feels like it gets smaller and smaller every minute until I feel like it's a noose around my neck, choking the life out of me, making it so I can't breath.
There is no end in site to the sadness, I know the common thing would be to just tell someone to get over it but it doesn't work like that. The memories in my head don't allow me to just get over it, the feeling of sadness and worthlessness aren't going to go away at the snap of my fingers.