constant stranger
Well-known member
I'm 63 years old and I've lived with my mother the last 15 years since dad died, (..good riddance!..) and I sold my own house. I've never married and I think about the past every day, dwelling on past mistakes and feeling disgust, anger and depressed that I've lived so long and not enjoyed much of any of it.
I've got 20 or 30 years left and I need to have some kind of contentment for it. I can not tolerate more years of enduring a grim monotonous sequence of one duty after another, cheerless and joyless. I'd rather find out what the next world holds, than more of that.
It isn't all bad. My only social network is public service volunteering, and it's better than social isolation. I have a relationship with a lady: she's been married and divorced twice and is very independent and self reliant, hence we'll never have a marriage or live-together mutual dependence.....but it's way more female companionship than I've had for decades. And I live on a pretty cool 12 acre rural property. I own a farm too.
But I dwell on the past! Every day I have imaginary conversations with my ******* of a father. And my 92 year old mother.......what a series of chores that is! And she takes liberties with trying to wield parental authority over me. She doesn't succeed, she doesn't have me by the balls, but it is so wearying to "manage" her!
So this is a rant. I accepted the job of managing the last years of a dysfunctional family better than the family managed things in the early years. Two older brothers walked away years ago, Dad was a self righteous, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, two faced backstabber, Mom was a mood disordered mental case and here i am, aging and mostly cheerless and asking myself, when do I get to the expiration date of this effing family's cycle of grimness?
I've got 20 or 30 years left and I need to have some kind of contentment for it. I can not tolerate more years of enduring a grim monotonous sequence of one duty after another, cheerless and joyless. I'd rather find out what the next world holds, than more of that.
It isn't all bad. My only social network is public service volunteering, and it's better than social isolation. I have a relationship with a lady: she's been married and divorced twice and is very independent and self reliant, hence we'll never have a marriage or live-together mutual dependence.....but it's way more female companionship than I've had for decades. And I live on a pretty cool 12 acre rural property. I own a farm too.
But I dwell on the past! Every day I have imaginary conversations with my ******* of a father. And my 92 year old mother.......what a series of chores that is! And she takes liberties with trying to wield parental authority over me. She doesn't succeed, she doesn't have me by the balls, but it is so wearying to "manage" her!
So this is a rant. I accepted the job of managing the last years of a dysfunctional family better than the family managed things in the early years. Two older brothers walked away years ago, Dad was a self righteous, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, two faced backstabber, Mom was a mood disordered mental case and here i am, aging and mostly cheerless and asking myself, when do I get to the expiration date of this effing family's cycle of grimness?