Eye contact.

[Tiina63]

Does anyone else here find making eye contact to be a problem? I have Aspergers and find it very, very hard to look people in the eye unless I know them very well. I know that some people find this odd, and this makes me feel even less like making eye contact.
If I go on a train I have to take a book or newspaper with me to read so that I don't have to look at whoever is sitting opposite me. One of my friends remarked that I don't look at people and generally she isn't highly observent (this is not a put down:she has health issues and is less likely to notice what goes on around her as she feels so frail.)
I did a short speech at the French group I go to some weeks ago and I was able to do it as I had written it down (everyone who does a speech writes it down and reads from their notes) and so I just had to read my notes but, unlike all the others who have had a go at doing a short speech, I didn't look up once as I spoke as I would have collapsed into a heap of nerves if I had met someone's eye.
It did show me, though, that I can cope best when I don't have to look at people.

 

[Rainbows]

I always, look people in the eye. The whole time.
People said it makes me look very interested and observant.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Does anyone else here find making eye contact to be a problem? I have Aspergers and find it very, very hard to look people in the eye unless I know them very well. I know that some people find this odd, and this makes me feel even less like making eye contact.
If I go on a train I have to take a book or newspaper with me to read so that I don't have to look at whoever is sitting opposite me. One of my friends remarked that I don't look at people and generally she isn't highly observent (this is not a put down:she has health issues and is less likely to notice what goes on around her as she feels so frail.)
I did a short speech at the French group I go to some weeks ago and I was able to do it as I had written it down (everyone who does a speech writes it down and reads from their notes) and so I just had to read my notes but, unlike all the others who have had a go at doing a short speech, I didn't look up once as I spoke as I would have collapsed into a heap of nerves if I had met someone's eye.
It did show me, though, that I can cope best when I don't have to look at people.

No problems at all. I can look at anybody. When I serve people not that many look at me, less than half I would say. Some may be shy, some may not want to look at my ugly mug !

I think your been to hard on yourself. I think a lot of people suffer from this problem. Public speaking of any kind is very difficult as well.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I always, look people in the eye. The whole time.
People said it makes me look very interested and observant.

Completely agree with you H.G.

 

[user 115627]

Yes, I have a problem with that as well. I only make sporadic eye contact when I talk face-to-face to people I don't know very well. It works better when I get used to somebody's face after some time - and when they seem trustable. Lots of people claim that avoidance of eye contact is a sign of lying...interesting enough that the opposite tends to happen to me. Usually the folks that looked me straight into the eye were more prone to be pathological liars. This seems especially relevant at work.
Strangely enough, I'm not that intimidated by eye contact then. Lots of people - mostly superiors - try to talk down to you and dazzle you with some business lingo. But when you're not a complete half-wit you can easily look past their desperate attempts to seem 'professional'. I'm not falling this crap - though I can't say this to anybody's face of course...

There's another more 'shady' reason to this. You know how they always say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Well, I'm not very fond of people looking into my eyes and seeing things that probably aren't even there. I have a very stern gaze most of the time - easily sending mixed signals. But it's just as much about what people see within me as it is about what I might see in them. By all means, I'm not spiritual person and I try not to interpret too much into this...but sometimes I'm afraid of what abysses might lie behind all these glances.

 

[kamya]

I make tons of eye contact with people. Makes you seem more genuine.

 

[ringwood]

I always, look people in the eye. The whole time.
People said it makes me look very interested and observant.

Completely agree with you H.G.

Yep, completely agree too. This is why it really bothers me when I'm talking to someone and they're wearing dark sunglasses - can't see their eyes, and I find it very off-putting...well, plus it's rude.

 

[PeteBerger]

I am pretty much in the same boat. I mostly find it hard on the street/public
transport and anywhere but home really. Don't know if I should look at people
(in the eye) or just look somewhere else. I am afraid that some people might
think I am staring at them and say something like "What are you looking at,
f*ck off?" or just give you that look... Honestly I wouldn't mind if they
wouldn't look at me at all. I am trying to act neutral, but if there is no one
with me who can distract me of over analyzing I tend to be miserable that I
am not sure, where to/how long to look to other people without looking like a
weirdo who can't look at anyone or a creep who looks you too long. :S
So I am talking about strangers, not people I know. If I know someone, there
is no problem, but with strangers it is a different story seen above.

 

[Ymir]

Yep, I feel ya. Can't make eye contact to save my life. I try to talk looking to another place and some classmates try to tease me by staring into my eyes all the time haha. Making eye contact is no fun.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I always, look people in the eye. The whole time.
People said it makes me look very interested and observant.

Completely agree with you H.G.

Yep, completely agree too. This is why it really bothers me when I'm talking to someone and they're wearing dark sunglasses - can't see their eyes, and I find it very off-putting...well, plus it's rude.

Good point Ringwood, I always make a point if taking mine off when I'm talking to someone....

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I make eye contact. But I probably look like a scared puppy most of the time

 

[Nicolelt]

I struggled to make eye contact for the longest time, and sometimes still do. You kinda have to practice it and in your head remind yourself to do it. On days where I am spacey or distracted though, it's not going to happen.

 

[Littlesecret]

I find it very hard keeping eye contact with strangers but after getting to know the person, I become more comfortable holding their gaze.
One of my old friends had Aspergers and he too had the same issue but he overcame it by little steps. First he started to hold a person's gaze he was talking to for 3 secs then looked away and done it again. I know it doesn't sound natural but when he done it too me it looked normal. Most people don't hold eye contact for long periods of time anyways unless they're pretty intense.

He also built up his confidence which was a major help, he went to autism/Aspergers meetings and also saw a councillor.
Anyways, your not alone Tina.

 

[painter's radio]

Yeah I have a problem with it sometimes. It's actually annoying when someone stares at you throughout the whole interaction with them - ffs learn to not be so ******* intense with your penetrative, intrusive glare.

Well as I always say, these things are about happy mediums. Too much or too little of either can be off-putting/annoying, whatever. And each case is different, it can depend on who they are, how well you know them, what the subject you're talking about is. I always make eye contact at the initial meeting such as when I greet them with my shopping to buy or when someone stops me to ask for directions, then look elsewhere during the interaction then once again in the eyes when we say goodbye.
If a friend is talking about "serious" stuff though I will probably hold more contact.

But yes, I find random/accidental eye contact with strangers in public places very intense. If, for example, someone is making a speech and I'm near the front and I make eye contact with the speaker, there is a very intense feeling I get that sends my thoughts crazy, like they just looked into my soul and felt everything I was feeling and read all my thoughts and it's going to infect them somehow and they'll mess up their speech because of our little moment. Yeah I know, I'm a bit weird and think too much.

I had an amazing acip trip once where all my thoughts were being projected out of my mind into the heads of anyone I made eye contact with. I learned that my friends had known how to communicate with this eye contact telepathy for some time, and now it was time for them to teach it to me. One of my friends was like the ringleader of it all, and everytime I looked him in the eyes he would say "That's it, you're doing it, like this" to me, and I'd look at other people in the eyes and talk to them too.

That was a strange weekend. lol.

 

[ringwood]

But yes, I find random/accidental eye contact with strangers in public places very intense. If, for example, someone is making a speech and I'm near the front and I make eye contact with the speaker, there is a very intense feeling I get that sends my thoughts crazy, like they just looked into my soul and felt everything I was feeling and read all my thoughts and it's going to infect them somehow and they'll mess up their speech because of our little moment. Yeah I know, I'm a bit weird and think too much.

I had an amazing acip trip once where all my thoughts were being projected out of my mind into the heads of anyone I made eye contact with. I learned that my friends had known how to communicate with this eye contact telepathy for some time, and now it was time for them to teach it to me. One of my friends was like the ringleader of it all, and everytime I looked him in the eyes he would say "That's it, you're doing it, like this" to me, and I'd look at other people in the eyes and talk to them too.

That was a strange weekend. lol.

Huh...the speech thing - I feel that too. Never actually admitted to it to anyone, for fear they'd think I'm totally weird. Haha, kind of glad you mentioned this.

And, yes, acid trips. I've had a few memorable ones too...I remember one in particular where time itself seemed slowed right down - we were sitting in an isolated part of a park, and I remember watching this bicyclist riding down a forest path in the distance but somehow my vision was seeing them in snapshots - sort of like a super slowed down film, or a vignette of pictures shown a second or two apart. It was quite fascinating actually. Haha, good and bizarre times.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you for your replies.
Triplebogey-that does reassure me to hear that many of your customers have problems making eye contact with you. When I go into a shop and don't give eye contact, I often worry what the sales assistant may be thinking. Now I feel better knowing that many others don't make eye contact either in shops.
Kamya-I agree that eye contact can make you seem more genuine and this worries me when I am unable to do it, as I think I may be coming across as a lier or shifty. It's a pity that here in the west we place so much stress on eye contact.
HGWells-I have to admit that I would find it difficult to ever meet you in real life as your ease with prolonged eye contact would make me even less able to look at you directly and you would find me weird because the more on edge I feel about eye contact, the more stressed out my whole body language becomes.
PeteBerger-you sound so much like me that I am wondering if, unbeknown to my present ID, I have registered here under a second name in my sleep. I echo all of your thoughts and feelings on the issue. It is hard when you are wondering if you should look at someone or not, and how long for, and what is your facial expression doing while all of these deliberations are running through your mind. It all feel so huge and so unnatural when it shouldn't be that way.
Ymir-I am sorry that you find eye contact hard as well. Does it upset you when people at school try to stare into your eyes?
Ringwood- I can't remember ever talking to anyone wearing dark sunglasses so can't say how that would feel. I wouldn't consider them rude for wearing dark glasses. There could be a medical reason for it and, if there isn't, it still wouldn't feel rude to me.

---

Littlesecret-thank you for your supportive reply. I am glad that your friend found support for his AS. Does he still go to the group and have counselling? I go to an AS group and find it very helpful. Most of us have eye contact problems but in the group this is ok and completely accepted. I might mention your friend's working his way from holding eye contact for three seconds then looking away till he overcame his problem as it may help some of the others in the group as well.
Painters radio- this is why I hate sitting atr the front if someone is giving a speech as, like you, I have found that if the speaker makes eye contact with me, it is very intense, almost like touching a live wire, and it totally distracts my thoughts from the speech. And, as you say, too much eye contact can be just as problematic. I remember years ago staring at people in the attempt to prove to myself that I didn't have a problem with eye contact. Of course, it showed the exact opposite. Thye probably thought I was crazy or something.
Justsomegal-I think that I look like a scared puppy as well.

 

[Case]

If someone is talking to me, I generally look them in the eyes the entire time. It communicates that I am paying attention.

However, when I talk, my eyes go all over the place. I'm not sure why I do that, but it would feel really strange to me to stare into someone's eyes as I talked without breaking the monotony. Maybe I think it's creepy? idk

 

[Rosewood]

Does anyone else here find making eye contact to be a problem? I have Aspergers and find it very, very hard to look people in the eye unless I know them very well. I know that some people find this odd, and this makes me feel even less like making eye contact.
If I go on a train I have to take a book or newspaper with me to read so that I don't have to look at whoever is sitting opposite me. One of my friends remarked that I don't look at people and generally she isn't highly observent (this is not a put down:she has health issues and is less likely to notice what goes on around her as she feels so frail.)
I did a short speech at the French group I go to some weeks ago and I was able to do it as I had written it down (everyone who does a speech writes it down and reads from their notes) and so I just had to read my notes but, unlike all the others who have had a go at doing a short speech, I didn't look up once as I spoke as I would have collapsed into a heap of nerves if I had met someone's eye.
It did show me, though, that I can cope best when I don't have to look at people.

I have a daughter with Asperger's. she has the eye contact issue as well. Bright women. I was able to take a college class with her. She was 18 then. 33 now. I am the opposite. I have to be aware that not all people like eye contact. They feel uncomfortable. Constant eye contact is not desirable. I kind of guess. I also look at details. Body language,how they dress and appearance clues for health and sleep habits. This gives me insight to more than just the eyes and keeps me from staring down people. My daughter is used to my eye contact now, but shy.

 

[Gravely]

I do have an issue with this, and I sometimes have to force myself. The only time I ever really look anyone in the eye is if I'm pissed off, and then I just stare a hole through them. But it's just an issue with me most of the time. I think people generally think I'm lying to them because I never make eye contact unless I'm thinking about it. Usually I just look at their face or at the ground. It's counterproductive because I'm a pretty direct person.

 

[Cucuboth]

I have a hard time with eye contact too. Always feel like nobody wants me to make eye contact with them. And even when I do force myself to, I tend to notice that people seem to have a hard time making eye contact with me too. They look past me, above me, at something else ... anything else ... but at me. Have even been told on numerous occasions that me making eye contact with someone is uncomfortable. So, I guess I've kind of learnt not to do it. Therapists in the past have tried to help me to do it more, but, it doesn't help much when there is still that feeling that most people you encounter don't want you to look at them ...