The_Black_One
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- Joined
- Aug 16, 2014
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im 24 years old, and im currently doing my 3rd year Degree in Mechanical Engineering.i have tried all sort of things to overcome my severe depression that im going through.first of, im the last child in my family.my brother is a pathologist and he is 33 years old and my sister is a project engineer in Shell.why am i saying this to you guys, i have a lot to live up to and to come as close to my siblings,see my dad is a mathematician and my mom is a nurse.i have a lot to live up to.my brother and sister is 9 and 8 years apart from my age.
i grew up alone,with my toys.i didnt have a pet till i was 14, a dog, and she was my best friend till April 24 2014.she was my only friend that i talk to.living in a house with nothing but your 4 walls has made me really lonely,i had very less exposure of friends and i never had a gf till i was 18 and she was with me till i was 22.i used to talk to myself cause i was so lonely and i used to talk to the trees.i spend my evenings just playing with my toys when i see other kids with their friends. then i met my ex.she was a nice girl till i found out that she was cheating on me.
im not a good looking guy but i guess the reason why she was with me because i poured a lot of love on her even though i found out she was cheating on me.i wasted 2 years of my 18-20 with her and failing my subjects because i was not concentrating on my studies and this took a toll on my parents.
they do not trust me anymore.not that they were close to me, my dad rarely speaks to me and my mom always compares me to my neighbor who is doing way better in school compared to me.so i decided to quit that college and start fresh again by taking up diploma in automotive engineering and i aced it with high pointers.i was also on the deans list.this means i had to cut my time down talking and chilling out with my ex.
even though i knew she was cheating on me. *i was so stupid to ignore that* i know for a fact she she cheated on me cause im not good looking and now i found myself another woman to be with.see im not good in talking to girls and i do not know what is appropriate or not when im talking to girls.i did not expose myself to girls when i was growing up.i knew i messed things up while im with my current gf by talking to other girls but i was merely being friends with them.i never had the thought to cheat on my gf.
but she took it wrongly and she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore.i never had sex till now and i do not even know how to do it in the first place.i never even got to 1st base.i know its pathetic.but the thing is, i guess i am not good looking enough for that sort of thing.so my gf thinks im a man whore when i tried explaining to her that im not.i see the girls i talk to as friends.i never had more than 5 friends who are girls.thats how sad i am.the problem is, even if its my fault, i always said im sorry and i took the chance to even take the blame.she wanted to leave me so many times due to so many reasons and i always stuck on her like glue.she is still with me but she doesnt trust me anymore.she never once said she loves me for over 7-9 months.but we talk over the phone frequently.i never establish a good relationship with anyone including my dad.he doesnt talk to me because im not good in my studies compared to my siblings.my mom always thinks that im lower than my siblings.
my dream is to be an Automotive Engineer, so after my diploma i pursued in my degree in 2012 september and i have been in it till last month July 2014. and i have worked so hard on it, so hard that i even developed high blood pressure due to overnight studying and the mounting stress.last month, my university decided to close the program down because they could not fund the program as its really expansive.
so to cut cost down, the shift me to mechanical engineering program.my dreams, my hope, my ambitions, my hard work all went down the drains in an instant, my gf doesnt trust me at all, i never even cheated on her as i do not know even how to.i know i have made stupid mistakes as i am still exploring what to say and say to women cause i never exposed myself to girls and women.i often apologized to my gf but she doesnt accepts it.when i ask her if she wants to break up she doesnt seem that she wants to.
i even asked her, how did her ex treated her cause she never talks ill about him, they broke up due to some reason i guess, but i cried to her and told her that i wished i was like him so that you could at least say im a nice person.my dad never talks to me.imagine having your siblings over for the weekend and your parents only talk to them instead of you, ask their opinions on stuff instead of you. i do not consume alcohol or smoke, or do drugs, i am disabled physically as my left foot has a severe tear on the tendons.i cant work out.my physical state has been deteriorating.
i asked one of my doctors regarding about my High BP and he says that a kid my age shouldnt get it and since i got it, it seems i cant even look past the age of 45.i have nothing to look forward in life anymore.im lonely as i do not have any friends except my gf but she hates my guts cause she thinks im a man whore when i do not even talk to girls.all of this mounting pressure has lead me to think one thing, *Suicide*...everyday in my life,
i have been thinking of just letting go of my useless ugly body.i feel so ugly inside and out.i had people telling me im ugly as hell.i do not wanna commit such act but i do not know what else to do and i tried everything in the book, i hate it when you try so hard but people only see the failure you have not the achievement you have .i cant take this anymore and i know suicide is a cowardly act to do but i do not know what else to do.... tried changing myself but i failed miserably. im so scared to think about the future.living alone is not the problem but living and knowing you cant live more than the age of 45 is just hell for me.i just want thing to change for the better and i want someone to read this thread as i would feel that at least someone knows my story.i do not know what else to do in my life.i do not know if i want to give up or not.....i just feel like a complete failure in life.
i grew up alone,with my toys.i didnt have a pet till i was 14, a dog, and she was my best friend till April 24 2014.she was my only friend that i talk to.living in a house with nothing but your 4 walls has made me really lonely,i had very less exposure of friends and i never had a gf till i was 18 and she was with me till i was 22.i used to talk to myself cause i was so lonely and i used to talk to the trees.i spend my evenings just playing with my toys when i see other kids with their friends. then i met my ex.she was a nice girl till i found out that she was cheating on me.
im not a good looking guy but i guess the reason why she was with me because i poured a lot of love on her even though i found out she was cheating on me.i wasted 2 years of my 18-20 with her and failing my subjects because i was not concentrating on my studies and this took a toll on my parents.
they do not trust me anymore.not that they were close to me, my dad rarely speaks to me and my mom always compares me to my neighbor who is doing way better in school compared to me.so i decided to quit that college and start fresh again by taking up diploma in automotive engineering and i aced it with high pointers.i was also on the deans list.this means i had to cut my time down talking and chilling out with my ex.
even though i knew she was cheating on me. *i was so stupid to ignore that* i know for a fact she she cheated on me cause im not good looking and now i found myself another woman to be with.see im not good in talking to girls and i do not know what is appropriate or not when im talking to girls.i did not expose myself to girls when i was growing up.i knew i messed things up while im with my current gf by talking to other girls but i was merely being friends with them.i never had the thought to cheat on my gf.
but she took it wrongly and she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore.i never had sex till now and i do not even know how to do it in the first place.i never even got to 1st base.i know its pathetic.but the thing is, i guess i am not good looking enough for that sort of thing.so my gf thinks im a man whore when i tried explaining to her that im not.i see the girls i talk to as friends.i never had more than 5 friends who are girls.thats how sad i am.the problem is, even if its my fault, i always said im sorry and i took the chance to even take the blame.she wanted to leave me so many times due to so many reasons and i always stuck on her like glue.she is still with me but she doesnt trust me anymore.she never once said she loves me for over 7-9 months.but we talk over the phone frequently.i never establish a good relationship with anyone including my dad.he doesnt talk to me because im not good in my studies compared to my siblings.my mom always thinks that im lower than my siblings.
my dream is to be an Automotive Engineer, so after my diploma i pursued in my degree in 2012 september and i have been in it till last month July 2014. and i have worked so hard on it, so hard that i even developed high blood pressure due to overnight studying and the mounting stress.last month, my university decided to close the program down because they could not fund the program as its really expansive.
so to cut cost down, the shift me to mechanical engineering program.my dreams, my hope, my ambitions, my hard work all went down the drains in an instant, my gf doesnt trust me at all, i never even cheated on her as i do not know even how to.i know i have made stupid mistakes as i am still exploring what to say and say to women cause i never exposed myself to girls and women.i often apologized to my gf but she doesnt accepts it.when i ask her if she wants to break up she doesnt seem that she wants to.
i even asked her, how did her ex treated her cause she never talks ill about him, they broke up due to some reason i guess, but i cried to her and told her that i wished i was like him so that you could at least say im a nice person.my dad never talks to me.imagine having your siblings over for the weekend and your parents only talk to them instead of you, ask their opinions on stuff instead of you. i do not consume alcohol or smoke, or do drugs, i am disabled physically as my left foot has a severe tear on the tendons.i cant work out.my physical state has been deteriorating.
i asked one of my doctors regarding about my High BP and he says that a kid my age shouldnt get it and since i got it, it seems i cant even look past the age of 45.i have nothing to look forward in life anymore.im lonely as i do not have any friends except my gf but she hates my guts cause she thinks im a man whore when i do not even talk to girls.all of this mounting pressure has lead me to think one thing, *Suicide*...everyday in my life,
i have been thinking of just letting go of my useless ugly body.i feel so ugly inside and out.i had people telling me im ugly as hell.i do not wanna commit such act but i do not know what else to do and i tried everything in the book, i hate it when you try so hard but people only see the failure you have not the achievement you have .i cant take this anymore and i know suicide is a cowardly act to do but i do not know what else to do.... tried changing myself but i failed miserably. im so scared to think about the future.living alone is not the problem but living and knowing you cant live more than the age of 45 is just hell for me.i just want thing to change for the better and i want someone to read this thread as i would feel that at least someone knows my story.i do not know what else to do in my life.i do not know if i want to give up or not.....i just feel like a complete failure in life.