Failure.

[The_Black_One]

im 24 years old, and im currently doing my 3rd year Degree in Mechanical Engineering.i have tried all sort of things to overcome my severe depression that im going through.first of, im the last child in my family.my brother is a pathologist and he is 33 years old and my sister is a project engineer in Shell.why am i saying this to you guys, i have a lot to live up to and to come as close to my siblings,see my dad is a mathematician and my mom is a nurse.i have a lot to live up to.my brother and sister is 9 and 8 years apart from my age.

i grew up alone,with my toys.i didnt have a pet till i was 14, a dog, and she was my best friend till April 24 2014.she was my only friend that i talk to.living in a house with nothing but your 4 walls has made me really lonely,i had very less exposure of friends and i never had a gf till i was 18 and she was with me till i was 22.i used to talk to myself cause i was so lonely and i used to talk to the trees.i spend my evenings just playing with my toys when i see other kids with their friends. then i met my ex.she was a nice girl till i found out that she was cheating on me.

im not a good looking guy but i guess the reason why she was with me because i poured a lot of love on her even though i found out she was cheating on me.i wasted 2 years of my 18-20 with her and failing my subjects because i was not concentrating on my studies and this took a toll on my parents.

they do not trust me anymore.not that they were close to me, my dad rarely speaks to me and my mom always compares me to my neighbor who is doing way better in school compared to me.so i decided to quit that college and start fresh again by taking up diploma in automotive engineering and i aced it with high pointers.i was also on the deans list.this means i had to cut my time down talking and chilling out with my ex.

even though i knew she was cheating on me. *i was so stupid to ignore that* i know for a fact she she cheated on me cause im not good looking and now i found myself another woman to be with.see im not good in talking to girls and i do not know what is appropriate or not when im talking to girls.i did not expose myself to girls when i was growing up.i knew i messed things up while im with my current gf by talking to other girls but i was merely being friends with them.i never had the thought to cheat on my gf.

but she took it wrongly and she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore.i never had sex till now and i do not even know how to do it in the first place.i never even got to 1st base.i know its pathetic.but the thing is, i guess i am not good looking enough for that sort of thing.so my gf thinks im a man whore when i tried explaining to her that im not.i see the girls i talk to as friends.i never had more than 5 friends who are girls.thats how sad i am.the problem is, even if its my fault, i always said im sorry and i took the chance to even take the blame.she wanted to leave me so many times due to so many reasons and i always stuck on her like glue.she is still with me but she doesnt trust me anymore.she never once said she loves me for over 7-9 months.but we talk over the phone frequently.i never establish a good relationship with anyone including my dad.he doesnt talk to me because im not good in my studies compared to my siblings.my mom always thinks that im lower than my siblings.

my dream is to be an Automotive Engineer, so after my diploma i pursued in my degree in 2012 september and i have been in it till last month July 2014. and i have worked so hard on it, so hard that i even developed high blood pressure due to overnight studying and the mounting stress.last month, my university decided to close the program down because they could not fund the program as its really expansive.

so to cut cost down, the shift me to mechanical engineering program.my dreams, my hope, my ambitions, my hard work all went down the drains in an instant, my gf doesnt trust me at all, i never even cheated on her as i do not know even how to.i know i have made stupid mistakes as i am still exploring what to say and say to women cause i never exposed myself to girls and women.i often apologized to my gf but she doesnt accepts it.when i ask her if she wants to break up she doesnt seem that she wants to.

i even asked her, how did her ex treated her cause she never talks ill about him, they broke up due to some reason i guess, but i cried to her and told her that i wished i was like him so that you could at least say im a nice person.my dad never talks to me.imagine having your siblings over for the weekend and your parents only talk to them instead of you, ask their opinions on stuff instead of you. i do not consume alcohol or smoke, or do drugs, i am disabled physically as my left foot has a severe tear on the tendons.i cant work out.my physical state has been deteriorating.

i asked one of my doctors regarding about my High BP and he says that a kid my age shouldnt get it and since i got it, it seems i cant even look past the age of 45.i have nothing to look forward in life anymore.im lonely as i do not have any friends except my gf but she hates my guts cause she thinks im a man whore when i do not even talk to girls.all of this mounting pressure has lead me to think one thing, *Suicide*...everyday in my life,

i have been thinking of just letting go of my useless ugly body.i feel so ugly inside and out.i had people telling me im ugly as hell.i do not wanna commit such act but i do not know what else to do and i tried everything in the book, i hate it when you try so hard but people only see the failure you have not the achievement you have .i cant take this anymore and i know suicide is a cowardly act to do but i do not know what else to do.... tried changing myself but i failed miserably. im so scared to think about the future.living alone is not the problem but living and knowing you cant live more than the age of 45 is just hell for me.i just want thing to change for the better and i want someone to read this thread as i would feel that at least someone knows my story.i do not know what else to do in my life.i do not know if i want to give up or not.....i just feel like a complete failure in life.

 

[Edward W]

Hi and welcome!

Oh - Just a suggestion, but try breaking up long posts with line breaks.

Makes it easier to read on the eyes!

 

[The_Black_One]

true..sorry..i didnt know it would be that compact.anyways thanks for the suggestion.will do so if i were to post a new thread.thanks mate.

 

[lonelydoc]

The doctors don't know everything, maybe they are just saying that to get you to shape up.

For what it's worth, my parents have always favored my older sister who was a valedictorian and got a 4.0 gpa in college and was very ambitious. She also has a family and I don't.

But really, it's more than that. See, she's both a mommy's and a daddy's girl. There is also a double standard; they pamper her whereas I'm supposed to "man up" every time there is a problem only a man can handle. If my dad favored me as a son, and taught me things and spent time with me, it wouldn't be as bad. I've known other families like that. For example, one my cousin families, they have two older daughters and one youngest son, and to his dad the son is a prince, because they finally had a son on the third attempt.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to ALL

Please keep in mind that you are only a failure if you give up. Keep trying, do different things, there's always a way.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hello, welcome to the forum.

You're 24, and you're younger than me, and I also feel like I'm at a complete loss in life right now with no proper sense of direction. I had to give up my dream of being a writer when my family wanted me to take up another career which was rewarding but where I ended up, it tore me apart. I got sick and now I have a lifelong health issue that I have to learn to live with. I am currently unemployed, my education history sucks so finding a job isn't really going so well on my part. There are so many things that are unknown in my near future that it truly scares the honeysuckle out of me. I mean who knows my illness is gonna take over my life, or maybe it will shorten it, or maybe I will overcome it and rule my own life.. who knows until I try?

I suggest you don't give up. You're still really young and have a whole life ahead of you if you start taking things into your hands and work around what you have at the moment to get to where you want to be. There are so many things I want to do and achieve, but it's gonna take some time, so we need to have some patience also to get what we want.

im so scared to think about the future.living alone is not the problem but living and knowing you cant live more than the age of 45 is just hell for me.i just want thing to change for the better and i want someone to read this thread as i would feel that at least someone knows my story.i do not know what else to do in my life.i do not know if i want to give up or not.....i just feel like a complete failure in life.

To be honest, I don't think you should really trust your doctor on your lifespan. I have this cousin who was told he had only 10 months to live because of his brain cancer. That was 9 years ago. To this day, he is healthy and strong and alive and kicking. His dad came to talk to me about my health issue, saying I shouldn't give up and let negativity take over me. That I should keep fighting and keep a positive mindset and spirit and hang around people who make you feel good. He said that's what he did for his son and now look, he survived 9 years of his life, which the doctor claimed he wouldn't have. Of course the journey wasn't easy, my cousin was always having rapid mood swings and of course medications and pain kinda make you behave harshly or differently from the usual but people try to be understanding.

So really, think of yourself living far beyond the age of 45, positively, think about the good things that will happen that you can achieve. You can do it, you know. People like my cousin who went through real hell and struggled and survived inspires me to not ever give up no matter what. Because anything is possible, really. Especially if you set your mind and heart to it.

Good luck, and keep going.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You may have a lot to live up to, but do things on your terms. Sure, your siblings are successful, but you are not them. Don't impose their life on your own simply because you feel like you have to live up to what they have done. Do what you enjoy, not what others enjoy.

 

[The_Black_One]

The doctors don't know everything, maybe they are just saying that to get you to shape up.

For what it's worth, my parents have always favored my older sister who was a valedictorian and got a 4.0 gpa in college and was very ambitious. She also has a family and I don't.

But really, it's more than that. See, she's both a mommy's and a daddy's girl. There is also a double standard; they pamper her whereas I'm supposed to "man up" every time there is a problem only a man can handle. If my dad favored me as a son, and taught me things and spent time with me, it wouldn't be as bad. I've known other families like that. For example, one my cousin families, they have two older daughters and one youngest son, and to his dad the son is a prince, because they finally had a son on the third attempt.

If you dont mind, could i ask you how did you cope with all those mounting pressure?and if you did, did you ever felt suicidal?i just wished that parents should just accept their children as who they are not some educational machine if you know what i mean, i mean, i do ok in university just not a 4.0 student, just average, and i know some people who cant even do elementary maths and yet they have a nice family....

---

Hello, welcome to the forum.

You're 24, and you're younger than me, and I also feel like I'm at a complete loss in life right now with no proper sense of direction. I had to give up my dream of being a writer when my family wanted me to take up another career which was rewarding but where I ended up, it tore me apart. I got sick and now I have a lifelong health issue that I have to learn to live with. I am currently unemployed, my education history sucks so finding a job isn't really going so well on my part. There are so many things that are unknown in my near future that it truly scares the honeysuckle out of me. I mean who knows my illness is gonna take over my life, or maybe it will shorten it, or maybe I will overcome it and rule my own life.. who knows until I try?

I suggest you don't give up. You're still really young and have a whole life ahead of you if you start taking things into your hands and work around what you have at the moment to get to where you want to be. There are so many things I want to do and achieve, but it's gonna take some time, so we need to have some patience also to get what we want.

im so scared to think about the future.living alone is not the problem but living and knowing you cant live more than the age of 45 is just hell for me.i just want thing to change for the better and i want someone to read this thread as i would feel that at least someone knows my story.i do not know what else to do in my life.i do not know if i want to give up or not.....i just feel like a complete failure in life.

To be honest, I don't think you should really trust your doctor on your lifespan. I have this cousin who was told he had only 10 months to live because of his brain cancer. That was 9 years ago. To this day, he is healthy and strong and alive and kicking. His dad came to talk to me about my health issue, saying I shouldn't give up and let negativity take over me. That I should keep fighting and keep a positive mindset and spirit and hang around people who make you feel good. He said that's what he did for his son and now look, he survived 9 years of his life, which the doctor claimed he wouldn't have. Of course the journey wasn't easy, my cousin was always having rapid mood swings and of course medications and pain kinda make you behave harshly or differently from the usual but people try to be understanding.

So really, think of yourself living far beyond the age of 45, positively, think about the good things that will happen that you can achieve. You can do it, you know. People like my cousin who went through real hell and struggled and survived inspires me to not ever give up no matter what. Because anything is possible, really. Especially if you set your mind and heart to it.

Good luck, and keep going.

wow mate, that was really uplifting and motivational, if you dont mind, could i know what course you took up that caused your health to take a wild turn?and what health issues do you have?and are you married mate?if you are, could i try advising you since you did for me?if i may, i would tell you something, since im studying in a university, i would really say this to you, Take Up Writing, its not late no matter how old you are.

i feel realy nice that your cousin won the cancer battle, not many people have that fighting spirit that actually wins a battle like that.i wish him all the best!and yes i do wanna set my mind but the looming prospect of me not doing Automotive Engineering just bugs the crap outta me,i mean Mechanical engineering is great just not the career i want, i just do not know how did you cope not writing i mean since it was your dream and ambition?how do you cope with your frustration?do you get regular mood swings?or do you feel worse than before..the reason why i ask you these questions is because this is how i feel....

---

You may have a lot to live up to, but do things on your terms. Sure, your siblings are successful, but you are not them. Don't impose their life on your own simply because you feel like you have to live up to what they have done. Do what you enjoy, not what others enjoy.

thats really nice of you to say those encouraging words mate.really appreciate it. you are right,its my world and i wanna do what i want within my capabilities...!!

 

[ladyforsaken]

could i know what course you took up that caused your health to take a wild turn?

Well the studies were all right, I only started getting sick very often when I entered the working world and ended up in a shitty workplace that took a toll on my health. I was studying to become a teacher, and taught for 5 years before this.

and what health issues do you have?and are you married mate?if you are, could i try advising you since you did for me?if i may, i would tell you something, since im studying in a university, i would really say this to you, Take Up Writing, its not late no matter how old you are.

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. And no I'm not married.
Thank you for your advice, I've been contemplating it but I'm not sure I can afford to take up further studies at the moment, even with financial assistance, it's still going to be pretty hard. :\

i feel realy nice that your cousin won the cancer battle, not many people have that fighting spirit that actually wins a battle like that.i wish him all the best!

Thank you!

and yes i do wanna set my mind but the looming prospect of me not doing Automotive Engineering just bugs the crap outta me,i mean Mechanical engineering is great just not the career i want, i just do not know how did you cope not writing i mean since it was your dream and ambition?how do you cope with your frustration?do you get regular mood swings?or do you feel worse than before..the reason why i ask you these questions is because this is how i feel....

I can totally understand you, doing something you are not passionate about or have a liking for makes it all so much harder. At one point, I coped by trying to think of the good things that I'm doing and benefiting from my job. I just focus on the good stuff and tried to think that I'm making a difference and that it's for the best. But that kinda faded after awhile and then I started to really get anxious about work. Not only I didn't want to be where I was, I mean I enjoy teaching the kids but the superiors and colleagues made it tougher, on top of my lack of wanting to be there. Regular mood swings, yes. It got worse and worse indeed, my doctor suggested 3 times for me to go see a psychiatrist because it was affecting me so badly and he had wanted to put me on anti-depressants and anxiety meds but I refused them. Didn't wanna rely on those stuff. :\

I guess I had to really maintain loads of patience. For 9 years I was stuck in that line and had to put aside my dreams of wanting to be a writer. Since I had to put it away, I kinda stopped writing altogether and just couldn't get past this writer's block or something that I have that makes it difficult for me to write a proper piece.

I can understand your frustration and difficulty in coping with it. But if there is no way out of it at the moment, I suggest you try to look at what positive things there are in your journey right now and what you can do to help you get by, either by distraction or by occupying your time with things that make you feel better and good to balance it all out.

Good luck!

 

[lonelydoc]

I went through some rough patches for sure. But you see, my sister's life was never completely rosy. She had a bad illness for awhile, she had some marital troubles, etc. And, to be honest, I know she's dependent on other people. I suppose that is how I coped with it.

Was I ever suicidal about it, no, but I've been depressed about some other things in my life.

I suppose my advice would be to look through the surfaces, see that nobody has the perfect life. If there are things that your parents value in you, prize those things. Maybe you can do things for your parents, if you do care about them.

 

[SofiasMami]

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment! That can be tough for anyone to deal with.

I'm a little skeptical of the lifespan till only 45 thing though. Many chronic condidtions can be and are controlled with the correct medical treatment. So it's quite possible you'll sail rigbt past 45 and live a long life. It can become a problem if you let the idea of living only to 45 affect your day to day living today.

There is some good advice in the otber posts here. Often past life experience tempers our reactions to life events.

Welcome to the forum and I hope you stick around!

-Teresa

Edited for spelling

 

[The_Black_One]

well about the age thing, idk i have seen like 3 doctors and they all told me the same thing...well more or less, if i do live more than 40 and above my hypertension is gonna be worse than now.well i do have a lot on my plate.and what you said is true.well i am gonna stick around as many of these nice guys have been giving me good advise =)thanks for yours too!really appreciate it!

 

[VanillaCreme]

And three doctors can be wrong. My mom was told she'd never have children in her early 20's. Well, two fat chil'ren later, they were wrong. My brother's 27, and I'm 25.

 

[wolvesjr]

Welcome to the forum

It definitely sounds like you have a lot to churn through and I can definitely relate to some of them (I was always compared to my older sister as well as dealing with some similar issues with school). For now you just need to pick and choose your battles and focus on some things you can control and that will make YOU happy. That was one of the big things that helped me was when I started doing thing for ME and not to try to prove myself to my family.

As for your foot issue, I assume that means you can't run, but what about some other exercises like cycling or swimming? And if those are also out there is always weight machines. In the gym I go to there's a gentleman in his 60's who's in a wheelchair and I see him on the weekends just doing upper body workouts so it can be done.