Fear of rejection far too great for anything else?

[Zorg]

Title should read "anyone"...

At this point I don't think I'll ever have the courage to ask a girl out to anything ever. I would have done so by now if I was able to. I've been very interested in certain girls, but it doesn't make a difference, I can not do anything about it.

I've heard the platitudes about taking risks and confidence, and while I can intellectualize them I can never actually use the advice and confront the fear. The fear of rejection, of humiliation, of asking a girl out, it is far too great.

This isn't mere melodrama or hyperbole, it's reality. A friend of mine told me that "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take", if only he could understand how hard it is for me to take a shot, because for me it seems impossible at this point.

 

[SilentThinker]

Take it slowly.It is tough.I have also the fear of rejection in group.There was a long period of time where I refused to talk in the group.

When I talk,others are not listening or they turned to others for conversation.

 

[Spare]

I have the EXACT same problem Zorg, to the letter, and I haven't the slightest idea what to do about it.

I've managed to come close to asking someone out a couple of times. The first time, I'd spent about a year and a half trying to work up the courage to ask a girl out, but my best friend beat me to it by about an hour, and after that they were together for as long as I knew them. The second time (about ten years later), I was able to cut my warm-up time down to about seven months. The moment came and I gathered my courage, but somehow she must have sensed what I was about to do, because she spent the next ten minutes or so frantically telling me not to in every way she could without actually saying "don't ask me out". Catastrophic self-esteem damage.

But when I look back on things now, I believe there were times when I could have asked either one of these girls out, and either one of them would have said yes. I just never recognized it in the moment, and the opportunities passed me by and were lost forever. When I think about this, I have two reactions, one right after the other. The first is a wave of intense self-loathing. I think, 'what's my problem? Do I even want to be happy?'. Then the dispair fades to the background a little, and I think, 'Well, at least she liked me at least a little. Yeah! She liked me!'. I take solace in this, and I tell myself maybe it will happen again someday.

Hopefully I'll be paying closer attention if it does!

 

[Arnaert]

I don't say take it slow. Just jump into it. You have nothing to lose. Treat it as if you were to die tomorrow. Does it really matter that you might get rejected if you're gonna die anyway? Here's what you do. The next time you see a girl you're interested in & want to talk to her. Pay very close attention to yourself. You'll have that part of you saying you should talk to her & the other will start to say, maybe you shouldn't. You may start to get nervous. Right when that happens, slap yourself jump in! Go for it!

 

[Shadow]

I too don't have the courage to ask any girl out. I am tired of the same answers, I promised myself that I would never ask anyone out ever again. The pain and humiliation is not worth it. If a girl asks me out, I'm fine with that, but no girl is going to ask me out. I know that people say you will never know unless you try, but I've tried in the past, and it is only failure after failure. One can only take so much emotional beatings.

 

[Arnaert]

Seriously people just go for it. I know rejection is crap & ect. But lets say you hold yourself back & you don't get rejected cos you didn't ask in the first place. Does not asking make you any happier?

 

[SophiaGrace]

I agree with what Anaert is saying.

If you dont ask there is NO chance of getting a girl.

If you DO ask there is,yes, some chance you will be rejected, but again

NO chance if you dont walk up to her and ATTEMPT to get her interested in some way shape or form.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Fear of rejection will stop you stone cold
Fear of not getting laid...will drive me...

Sometimes...I just gotta shoot an arrow into the sky and babes can paint a target around it.
Becuase I'm a bad ass mother ******. Most of the chicks on this planet dosn't deserve to have me anyway.
Their lost not mine....

fresia what anyone else say...This is what I say, think, act and carry myself.
There's chicks hitting on me, flirting or giving hints. Not everyday...but it's still flowing
I interact
I flirt
I seduce..woohoo !!!!
Are we having fun yet ????
Being single is cool...I forgot how fun it was.

It's just like anything else in life...the more you practice doing...the more you'll feel comfortible or at ease doing it.
The more you face your fears...the more you'll become emtionally mature
Fear is here to stay it's always going to be a part of us. It's built in as a saftguard mechanism
It's moving forward inspite of our fears = courage.
In other words...after a while you'll just get desensitized by your fears, the more you face it.
I imagine a sky diver would probably shiver in his boots on the first jump but after 100's of jumps, it's not a big deal.
It's still a calculated risk..but you jump...

Pretend like you're teflon man so rejections dosn't sticks. All of our fears are in our heads or minds.
Pretend rejections gose in one ear and out the other...We all experince letting honeysuckle go in one ear and out the other.
It's just a matter of applying it in the appropriate ways or situation.
If you get rejected...oh fucken will, you're not going to see that person again..so why fucken worry about the honeysuckle.
What other thinks of you has no reflections of who you are.
What you think of you or feel about yourself...will reflect outward.
We're all in the process of learning, growning, and changing...so why worry about it ?

Learn about yourself...how you process your thoughts and feelings..
Your inner vioce..fears...etc.
Embrace all these things...Use them to your advantage instead of against yourself.

whatever it is...right , wrong or in difference.

If i get to piont of thinking about hanging myself, suiecide, beating up on myself or tormenting myself ??? That honeysuckle is all wrong.

 

[The-One]

If you fear it, dont' do it. Because if you do, you will fail.

Instead, wait. Wait until it's a calculated risk because you know you cannot minimise the risk any further and it is probably within your capabilities

You will not fear the outcome of a calculated risk of an action you have taken because as I have just advised, "do nothing that you fear"

(that's what i think anyway)

 

[Zorg]

Seriously people just go for it. I know rejection is crap & ect. But lets say you hold yourself back & you don't get rejected cos you didn't ask in the first place. Does not asking make you any happier?

I don't want to undermine what you're suggesting, but what I am saying is that while I can intellectualize that taking the risk is better than not taking the risk I can't do it. I can not do it. I know it sounds strange, but I can't.

It's like if we were both sitting at a table and on this table is a pencil. I tell you "I can't pick up the pencil, I'm too afraid" and then you say "Come on just do it. Just go for it". In my head you're right, I should just grab the pencil, but I physically and psychologically can't. Anyone who can grab the pencil thinks I'm just overreacting and that I can in fact grab the pencil, I'm just not trying hard enough. Well no, sorry, I can't grab it and I've tried, tried really hard. I can not outright just spontaneously conquer the fear and grab it. Therefore telling me to "just do it" isn't good enough.

 

[Zorg]

Also it's not the rejection itself that's the problem it's the fear of it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Seriously people just go for it. I know rejection is crap & ect. But lets say you hold yourself back & you don't get rejected cos you didn't ask in the first place. Does not asking make you any happier?

I don't want to undermine what you're suggesting, but what I am saying is that while I can intellectualize that taking the risk is better than not taking the risk I can't do it. I can not do it. I know it sounds strange, but I can't.

It's like if we were both sitting at a table and on this table is a pencil. I tell you "I can't pick up the pencil, I'm too afraid" and then you say "Come on just do it. Just go for it". In my head you're right, I should just grab the pencil, but I physically and psychologically can't. Anyone who can grab the pencil thinks I'm just overreacting and that I can in fact grab the pencil, I'm just not trying hard enough. Well no, sorry, I can't grab it and I've tried, tried really hard. I can not outright just spontaneously conquer the fear and grab it. Therefore telling me to "just do it" isn't good enough.

will...this is where my recovery program comes into play and helps
me....It's not that I lack willpower...I have a lot of willpower. I can
accomplish alot of task and many many other task and it's relatively easy to me.

But when it came to certain area of my life...I felt powerless over it.

I know what your saying...I've experinced it many, many times
in my life. I couldn't pack my bags and leave her no matter how
much i wanted to. No matter how much I told myself, again and again.
My **** body felt disconnected from my brain.

err.,but some people would just say...pack your bags..pack your bags...it's easy..lol
will..no honeysuckle i know it's easy..i tell myself that too...but my boby dosn't follow the instructions i gave it.

Strange as it maybe...I had to seek a power greater than myself
to help me...Some chose to call it God..some chose to call it
a Higher Power. A higher power to my understanding.
it has nothing to do with religion.

If i needed that to help me ...so be it.
if I need a HP to help me conquar my fears...so be it.
If that's what it takes....then that's what it takes.

LoL...you're having problems trying to get into a relationship
and I was having problems trying to get out...

 

[Spare]

I have come to believe that at some point it goes beyond a fear of rejection and becomes a state of social conformity created by that fear. It gets to the point that, using Zorg's pencil analogy, it is so far out of one's element to try and pick up the pencil that it falls out of their realm of understanding. It's like trying to get a three-year-old (or me) to understand calculus, or convincing a chubby guy (like me) to model speedos. They simply can't wrap their mind around it, and they can't shake the feeling that it is glaringly obvious to everyone that picking up the pencil is something they, on an individual basis, have no business doing.

On the other hand, there's probably a three-year-old or two out there who can understand calculus, and I'll bet there's plenty of fat guys who are completely undaunted by speedos. We just need to somehow hammer our ways out of the socioILLOGICAL shells we have built for ourselves. It can seem impossible, believe me, I know. But it's not.

 

[Brian]

I have come to believe that at some point it goes beyond a fear of rejection and becomes a state of social conformity created by that fear. It gets to the point that, using Zorg's pencil analogy, it is so far out of one's element to try and pick up the pencil that it falls out of their realm of understanding. It's like trying to get a three-year-old (or me) to understand calculus, or convincing a chubby guy (like me) to model speedos. They simply can't wrap their mind around it, and they can't shake the feeling that it is glaringly obvious to everyone that picking up the pencil is something they, on an individual basis, have no business doing.

On the other hand, there's probably a three-year-old or two out there who can understand calculus, and I'll bet there's plenty of fat guys who are completely undaunted by speedos. We just need to somehow hammer our ways out of the socioILLOGICAL shells we have built for ourselves. It can seem impossible, believe me, I know. But it's not.

Rarely have I seen it said so well.

It's not the case anymore that I'm just afraid to talk to women...it's that it seems so wrong and literally undoable. Like jamming the star in the square hole. It's knowing with 100% certainty, despite any claims or presented evidence otherwise, that it won't work and that I shouldn't try. To feel this way and be so shy of women is almost as natural to me now as eating when I'm hungry. And it only got this bad a few months ago...around fall of last year, I was actually able to ask a couple of girls for phone numbers. I don't know what happened.

 

[jjam]

I don't know what holds me back. Honestly, although I haven't asked many girls out in my lifetime, no girl that I have asked out has rejected me.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I have come to believe that at some point it goes beyond a fear of rejection and becomes a state of social conformity created by that fear. It gets to the point that, using Zorg's pencil analogy, it is so far out of one's element to try and pick up the pencil that it falls out of their realm of understanding. It's like trying to get a three-year-old (or me) to understand calculus, or convincing a chubby guy (like me) to model speedos. They simply can't wrap their mind around it, and they can't shake the feeling that it is glaringly obvious to everyone that picking up the pencil is something they, on an individual basis, have no business doing.

On the other hand, there's probably a three-year-old or two out there who can understand calculus, and I'll bet there's plenty of fat guys who are completely undaunted by speedos. We just need to somehow hammer our ways out of the socioILLOGICAL shells we have built for ourselves. It can seem impossible, believe me, I know. But it's not.

Rarely have I seen it said so well.

It's not the case anymore that I'm just afraid to talk to women...it's that it seems so wrong and literally undoable. Like jamming the star in the square hole. It's knowing with 100% certainty, despite any claims or presented evidence otherwise, that it won't work and that I shouldn't try. To feel this way and be so shy of women is almost as natural to me now as eating when I'm hungry. And it only got this bad a few months ago...around fall of last year, I was actually able to ask a couple of girls for phone numbers. I don't know what happened.

you don't know what's going to happen tommorow 100%
You have your routine (behavior/habits) down pack or your thinking pattern habits...Going on auto pilot or a rut.
Even so..there's slight differences in everyday. The wind
is not blowing in the same direction. The temperature is
not the same...the weather man have been known to be wrong.
Maybe unexpeted phone calls or emgency...but you can't say
with 100% certain to anything.

Fear of rejection is just a habit and routine....it's not that complicated. Like any habits...they seem imposible to change.
Change your thinking change your life...Force yourself to think outside of the box.

I know it's hard. I've struggling with getting over a relationship.
It was toxic as hell too...but over the years I've got into habits
of thinking and acting a certain way. My life changed..and it
seems imposible to change those **** habits or routine.

Fear is just an emotion...that's all it is...once you accept that...it takes the power out of it.
The emotion became so strong that you feel overwhelm..
When you live in fear..you retrive into your comfortzone...which stops you from changing.
Our minds and body always seek the path of lease resistance...back into the comfortzone, the familar.
Change is like going against the grain of everything...hard or seem imposible.

Honestly...I fear living without her...what the fresia am I going to do now ?

 

[Spare]

Brian said: "Rarely have I seen it said so well."

Thanks, Brian. I've had a lot of alone time to think about it.

 

[Arnaert]

Seriously people just go for it. I know rejection is crap & ect. But lets say you hold yourself back & you don't get rejected cos you didn't ask in the first place. Does not asking make you any happier?

I don't want to undermine what you're suggesting, but what I am saying is that while I can intellectualize that taking the risk is better than not taking the risk I can't do it. I can not do it. I know it sounds strange, but I can't.

It's like if we were both sitting at a table and on this table is a pencil. I tell you "I can't pick up the pencil, I'm too afraid" and then you say "Come on just do it. Just go for it". In my head you're right, I should just grab the pencil, but I physically and psychologically can't. Anyone who can grab the pencil thinks I'm just overreacting and that I can in fact grab the pencil, I'm just not trying hard enough. Well no, sorry, I can't grab it and I've tried, tried really hard. I can not outright just spontaneously conquer the fear and grab it. Therefore telling me to "just do it" isn't good enough.

Maybe you should try hypnosis, it works for people trying to quit smoking

 

[Papabear]

quit being a pussy or seal your fate of dying alone

*shrug*

not much else to say here really.... sorry if it's too harsh for you.

 

[Gerardo]

Being rejected hurts a lot. It is, in fact, one of the worst feelings we could have. At the same time, I'm so used to it, that although it hurts, at the same time I feel a relief that I know the answer with a 100% certainty. It's what helps you move on, or to take some time for yourself.

Right now I'm on a phase where I just want to be alone, because I was not only rejected, but also treated like garbage, by the girl whom I thought was one of my best friends, and a person to whom I had opened my heart. Perhaps tonight I'll make a topic narrating my case....

But, to the topic creator, I recommend you at least try. There's always the chance of winning, even if it seems minimal....