Feeling behind (a second attempt)

[jimmusician]

Soooo I'm going to attempt (for a second time) to convey the problems that I feel. While my first thread was shut down by the postings of certain users (and some reactive comments of my own), I do feel perhaps I'm a bit more responsible for my lack of success than society is; but alas, society will not encourage positive change.

I feel, for a lack of better words, behind in life. Academically, yes, an education, college degree. Musically, yes, I'm pretty well versed, though against the usual grain.

Socially? Was always lacking. Kept the same friends that I had during high school all through out my college years. They've sort of moved on now. I started dating towards the end of my college years, with little to no success (getting what I actually want). I did, however, learn its an easy task for me to satisfy a woman, but hey, its not everything.

A typical girl I meet nowadays is about 22/23, 5'5, does prettymuch nothing (they can't identify anything they like other than music, movies, bowling, drinking), has about 14 piercings and 6 tattoos, smokes, and has at least 7 heavily sexual experiences with different guys ("all the way"). Has about 20 other intimidating guy friends she can see any day of the week..

I, on the other hand, am 6'1. I'll watch anything, I'll listen to anything, of course I have my own tastes, but I'll settle to get along with the other person. Zero piercings, zero tattoos, I'm a musician, but so far I have little claim to fame (other than I can play just about any instrument), not a smoker, and a couple light sexual experiences (oral). I have about zero girl friends that really want to hang, and a gay friend that I meet with every other week or so. Oh, and I do online dating. No, not plenty of fish, not ok cupid, those are dozens of girls that want to look at a single picture of you and shoot you down (because I've signed up to both of them but get no messages nor responses, but as of late, CRAIGSLIST.

I think in hindsight my parents probably knew I was either A: smart enough to defeat myself in my own social progress, or B: thought I was dumb enough that I should've just rushed through school (like I did, haha) and forgotten about making many friends along the way because they have none themselves, because I'm reading all I can to supplement a stimulus of growth.

When I do meet girls, they either have low confidence (like one that I'm meeting this weekend who is beautiful but thinks cuz a few ******** took her out on dates and didnt call back that she isnt), or they've....well, lets put it light: lost it. The one I'm talking to atm is starting to lose it with me even tho she assures me she likes me. idk.

does anyone have any help they can offer? Any light to shed? I'm at a point where I can't fix myself without the help of others.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Its funni...you thinking women are fucken retarted and have nothing to offer you....

Do you even read stuff you write about youeself? Whatever the hell you think youself is probably not even scale of women look for and Idea partner . Dating material..etc.
You want others to accept you as you are as if ur something speical...yet you cant accept others as they are.

Its too simple...just ask yourself..would you wanna be friend someone like you? Who needs the extra bullshit...

 

[SofiasMami]

That's harsh, LC.

To the OP, I'm not entirely sure what kind of advice you're looking for; have you tried being single for awhile? Just not dating or anything like that. I was single for 4 years because I chose to focus on raising my daughter instead of trying to meet someone. But a funny thing happened on the way to raising my kiddo - I've learned a lot about myself and I like what I see. Life is better than it's ever been. I'm back on the dating scene now and it's much easier for me to weed out the Mr. Wrongs. If I wind up being single for awhile longer, that's fine too, it's not going to kill me.
Good luck-

Teresa

 

[Kenny]

Hey Jim,

Good to read from you again. I at least applaud you for attempting put yourself out there and get some answers, even on a site like this.

I can relate to a lot of what you say.

You may not like what I am going to say, just try to see it as genuine advice from somebody who was exactly where you are, not from somebody who is a know-it-all jackass.

You are cynical. With good reason. But you are still cynical. You need to change that. It's hard. Now hear me out. The way to change that isn't to change your view on things and the world-at-large around you. If you are intelligent as you claim you are, you know as well as I do that is impossible. I'm in the same boat. I've got my perceptions, they are rooted in reality and my experiences, and they aren't changing. Sound familiar?

Anyways you need to change your expectations and goals. Also pick up a book about changing your behavior. Notice I said behavior, not outlook. Start to change your behavior. I believe that once you affect that change, that other mental changes will follow.

Too many people say change your mind and outlook, then everything will fall into place. I say change your behavior, and your mind and outlook will follow.

Try this approach. Oh yeah, and pick up "The Game" by Neil Strauss.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
I just read (unfortunately) the original thread that got shut down and almost deleted my post here. But I'll leave it. To the OP, you definitely have some problems (we all do). But I don't think your problems are going to be solved here. Kenny makes some good points (apart from the PUA stuff) and I'm sure there are others here who have some good points too. But your solution is going to be found offline. Your anger, particularly toward women, is worrisome and you may want to look for someone to talk with about your problems. Good luck.

Teresa

 

[jimmusician]

Its funni...you thinking women are fucken retarted and have nothing to offer you....

Do you even read stuff you write about youeself? Whatever the hell you think youself is probably not even scale of women look for and Idea partner . Dating material..etc.
You want others to accept you as you are as if ur something speical...yet you cant accept others as they are.

Its too simple...just ask yourself..would you wanna be friend someone like you? Who needs the extra bullshit...

you know, its funny, I indirectly say I wouldn't like you to post in the first paragraph of the thread, but you still never get the memo that I want you to fresia off. So why don't you take a hint. I never said I was special. thats an assumption of yours. And I never put down a girl I meet, but I still recognize what she is all about. And before you decide to respond to that, DAD, take notice that the majority of today's generation really wants everything set up for them. Ipod, laptop, lean cuisine, the fresia are you thinking? Anyone that takes initiative is shut down anyways.

why don't you go be a parent to your kids? Why the fresia are you here? all you do is focus on putting people down who have legitimate concern and want to take action for themselves, yet your the old fresia with three kids to parent that your not around here cuz your trying to get your dick sucked by someone miserable!

I would be friends with myself anyways.

---

Hey Jim,

Good to read from you again. I at least applaud you for attempting put yourself out there and get some answers, even on a site like this.

I can relate to a lot of what you say.

You may not like what I am going to say, just try to see it as genuine advice from somebody who was exactly where you are, not from somebody who is a know-it-all jackass.

You are cynical. With good reason. But you are still cynical. You need to change that. It's hard. Now hear me out. The way to change that isn't to change your view on things and the world-at-large around you. If you are intelligent as you claim you are, you know as well as I do that is impossible. I'm in the same boat. I've got my perceptions, they are rooted in reality and my experiences, and they aren't changing. Sound familiar?

Anyways you need to change your expectations and goals. Also pick up a book about changing your behavior. Notice I said behavior, not outlook. Start to change your behavior. I believe that once you affect that change, that other mental changes will follow.

Too many people say change your mind and outlook, then everything will fall into place. I say change your behavior, and your mind and outlook will follow.

Try this approach. Oh yeah, and pick up "The Game" by Neil Strauss.

thanx. Haha, this might be the 2nd thread shut down over stupid things, but I digress. I understand I am a cynic. Which turns people off so far because they can't see the roots of cynicism that I see. But I am attempting to shape my views. I got diagnosed clinical severe depression this past October. They pushed for drugs/therapy (which I turned down the first because of the program that had sent me for diagnosis to begin with, which had some pretty rotten tactics, I went for counseling for a while.) Their little spiel as they were telling me what I was was that I had to start using the "at least" method of "re-framing the situation"; I've become slightly more positive, but slightly more quiet. "at least I'm not dead" is kind of the mantra. But I've given up the entire concept of simply complaining about my problems or using my diagnosis as a crutch.

Behavior...I don't really "behave" anymore I guess. I've gotten to the point where I'll have a few acquaintances at a bar, but overall I kind of take myself out of the element, and listen a lot more.

Books like "the game" come off as "I'M GONNA SAVE YOU!" kind of books. What I mean is I think a "for dummies" book is probably going to be more honest. I picked up "The mystery Method" for a short read at a local bookstore. I could only take 20 minutes of self-promotion of "finding your mystery" and "working beyond the method of survival to the method of replication." Dating for dummies I went with, when I need more information I'll extend some more cash but the buck seems to bang enough for now.

I do have a date tomorrow, ironically, with a nice girl. Pretty jaded (big on approval), but beautiful overall.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No honeysuckle Sherlock Holmes.
Send me a self address envelope so I can send u a prize for stating the obcvious.

Ur fucken retarted..I dont focus on you.. My life dosnt evolve around you. The dosnt evole around ya...
I make love to GF and focus on her having multiple orgasim and doing all the ramance stuff she enjoys doing...

Ur so intelligent. Muti talenrted, sensitive nice guy with big heart.
Your broken too..that cover bases
for women looking for a dude with the entire package N a sould mate..
Thats some really deep self promotimng horse honeysuckle..dude.

 

[Cosmo]

>>
<<

Wait, you mean this isn't the thread discussing butt-grabbing?

Oh.

*awkward silence. looks around some more. Decides to maybe read the first post to be more informed.*

Ah.

Well basically this sounds like a confidence issue. Every person has things they can offer another that are positive and even if you have trouble seeing what those things might be from time to time just accept that you have good things to offer too even if you don't have women fawning over you. Most guys don't, really.

All I can say from an advice standpoint is you're going to be much better off making a move now and then even if it means having some, if not many of those moves shot down. As a guy - regardless of age group - it is often left to you to make the first move. And if you don't make those first moves what you get instead is either nothing or you end up with someone that you yourself might not have chosen. While being with someone might feel good no matter who they are just because it's validation that you're worth dating, trust me you're much better off pursuing those you are interested in.

Also, if you can, moping less - at least in front of the ladies - can't hurt. I'm sure you'll "catch up" and feel more confident if you just take a chance now and then.

And if your gut reaction to this post is to reply "but I don't know how to be confident" my advice will be: fake it. No one can tell the difference most of the time and faking it will lead you to better results. And then once you see those results you'll get the actual confidence underlying it and will have less of a need to fake it at all. Pretty simple path once you start down it. The hardest part is taking the first step.

Best of luck!

 

[jimmusician]

No honeysuckle Sherlock Holmes.
Send me a self address envelope so I can send u a prize for stating the obcvious.

Ur fucken retarted..I dont focus on you.. My life dosnt evolve around you. The dosnt evole around ya...
I make love to GF and focus on her having multiple orgasim and doing all the ramance stuff she enjoys doing...

Ur so intelligent. Muti talenrted, sensitive nice guy with big heart.
Your broken too..that cover bases
for women looking for a dude with the entire package N a sould mate..
Thats some really deep self promotimng horse honeysuckle..dude.

Then why do they pick the ones that pick up and leave after they screw them? ever think about that? who isnt broken? Everybody has the wound. All girls are so overly concerned with finding the guy with "the package" that will "never leave" that they run directly to the bad boy who just happened to have "opened up" when they saw her and think "OMG< liek, I'm chanallenging him! Teh oen! I thound teh OEN!!" as opposed to the guy that treated them right from the beginning. Don't believe me? How is it the girls I meet have so many partners then?

oh, and tell me all about your fake girlfriend, I'd love to know. You know as well as I do if I say anything contrary to your little formula about extra confidence your gonna show up and type one of your lame illiterate superiority induced comments. You also make the mistake of thinking I'd promote myself and my loneliness problems on a forum filled with people who are almost as miserable as I am. What progress would that make? Misery loves company, doesn't change the fact it still adds up to more misery in the long run.

---

*awkward silence. looks around some more. Decides to maybe read the first post to be more informed.*

Ah.

Well basically this sounds like a confidence issue. Every person has things they can offer another that are positive and even if you have trouble seeing what those things might be from time to time just accept that you have good things to offer too even if you don't have women fawning over you. Most guys don't, really.

All I can say from an advice standpoint is you're going to be much better off making a move now and then even if it means having some, if not many of those moves shot down. As a guy - regardless of age group - it is often left to you to make the first move. And if you don't make those first moves what you get instead is either nothing or you end up with someone that you yourself might not have chosen. While being with someone might feel good no matter who they are just because it's validation that you're worth dating, trust me you're much better off pursuing those you are interested in.

Also, if you can, moping less - at least in front of the ladies - can't hurt. I'm sure you'll "catch up" and feel more confident if you just take a chance now and then.

And if your gut reaction to this post is to reply "but I don't know how to be confident" my advice will be: fake it. No one can tell the difference most of the time and faking it will lead you to better results. And then once you see those results you'll get the actual confidence underlying it and will have less of a need to fake it at all. Pretty simple path once you start down it. The hardest part is taking the first step.

Best of luck!

Don't worry, you weren't who I was referring to. Yea, its confidence. And sure, its about approach. But the thread generally says there's obviously something missing. The girls I meet....sure, they aren't turning me down, but they aren't accepting me either if I'm going to hear these questions and comparisons about my body art preference or experience level.

I don't mope, but I notice girls clearly enjoy messing with a man's head (like mine) by showing him affection at an event like a concert yet showing no interest whatsoever. like the girl that was probably two years younger than me, who I later found out was a single mom (turnoff) or some girl who shows no initiative to see the band so because i'm in front of her she opts to grab my ass because she can't handle the idea that she actually has to push to see. stupid things like that.

Again, yes, I'm cynical, and yes, I may have issues, that I clearly don't deny. But don't think I'm going to "bleed" in public.

to whoever said that this may be the wrong thread. This IS about loneliness, correct? Just because yours is voluntary doesn't mean mine is.

 

[Cosmo]

Don't worry, you weren't who I was referring to. Yea, its confidence. And sure, its about approach. But the thread generally says there's obviously something missing. The girls I meet....sure, they aren't turning me down, but they aren't accepting me either if I'm going to hear these questions and comparisons about my body art preference or experience level.

I don't mope, but I notice girls clearly enjoy messing with a man's head (like mine) by showing him affection at an event like a concert yet showing no interest whatsoever. like the girl that was probably two years younger than me, who I later found out was a single mom (turnoff) or some girl who shows no initiative to see the band so because i'm in front of her she opts to grab my ass because she can't handle the idea that she actually has to push to see. stupid things like that.

Again, yes, I'm cynical, and yes, I may have issues, that I clearly don't deny. But don't think I'm going to "bleed" in public.

to whoever said that this may be the wrong thread. This IS about loneliness, correct? Just because yours is voluntary doesn't mean mine is.

Never thought you were referring to me, dude. S'all good.

Well you're likely to find more acceptance in body art preference by going for someone who exhibits the same preference as you. I have no tattoos whatsoever and prefer women without them for example thus there's no clash there. If, however, you like girls with lots of tattoos and such and you don't want any yourself just say so matter-of-factly and shrug if it comes up. If they put you down for it call them out on their derogatory behavior, I say.

As for experience don't let anyone talk down to you. There are all sorts of experiences people have and do not have, choose to have and do not choose to have, have thrust upon them, etc. Acting like their experiences are superior or inherently better than another's is more often than not insecurity or ego running a bit wild. There's no one right way to have lived and the path one person takes through life is certainly not on a linear progression. It's more like a criss-crossing network of paths you can take and everyone meanders around in them. No one takes the same paths and there's no right order to take them. Just be proud of what you have done so far, don't brag about it, and pick your next path according to what your heart tells you. Can't do much more than that.

Honestly it isn't so much experience (if we're talking sex here >> ) as it is what you are capable of in the bedroom. As for relationship experience someone could disparage a person who hasn't had a lot of partners I suppose but the same sort of attitude could be taken by someone who has longer experiences with fewer partners. To each their own. If the difference bothers you at all I'd not bring it up in a relationship as it almost always leads to things that will make you even more uncomfortable. Concentrate on the now is the best advice I can give.

As for getting mixed signals from women, yeah, everyone sends those now and then. Guys too. Rely less on that and more on what you want and pursue that. That way you're in the driver's seat of your life instead of letting other's whims dictate the path you take and stuff.

If someone doesn't accept you for who you are you can always choose to move on. Plenty of other fish in the sea and it takes time to find someone right for you. It's a lot of trial and error… for everyone.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

My GF..atually my fiance..
Renae is very beautiful. Shes a very fun loving person..

She has a beautiful tattoo on her right angel...it looks like an angle braclet.
I think it looks very sexy She had that tatoo decades ago..before tatooing became a fad.

shes in bed snuggling with me...
and she said ur a fucken dork
and you need to get ur ass kick by a girl. Hahahaahaaa

---

Renae is very pretty. She has beutiful long blonde hair..hazel eyes..the perfect ass..size D bobies..
Shes 5' 7" .
She can dress up or dress down.
She makes everything looks good in what she wears...She can look stunning hawt N smexy to down to earth ..the pretty girl next door.
She has a million dallor smile and a laugh of an innocent chld.

Our duaghter is a model...the apple dosnt fall too far from the tree.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

If u assume any..assume this...I wish not to compete nor compair myself with anyone...but the truth of the matter is I was very miserable with life and life on lifes terms when I first
sing on this site. I struggled with the notions of playing the vitim...many on this board piont that out to me..and other source in my real life.
I knew I had to take steps to make changes in my life...changes in my behaviors, belifes and old ideas that didnt work for me..
with what ive experinced and learned..Ive been able to reach this piont...knowelge is important.but knowlege alone wasnt sufficent for me. I had to put the theories N new ideas into practice...EXPERINCE..so my mind N body can fully grasp it.
Its the same as saying Faith without works is dead...
Make not misakes. I had to alot of myself. To change me..change my life so that I can truely be me.
Inspite of everything I walked through even in this past year...and even now.
I make a simple chioce of being Happy.
ReNae came back into my life when I was ready.

---

If I was still wrapped up feeling sorry for myself N being misderble..blaming women or looking down @ women..Renae would not be sleeping by my side tonight. She wont have it in her life.
I made plenty of mistakes in my life and I can blame Renae for the chioces Ive made.
@ some piont..A man has to be and do what a man has to do...
Grow up..take responsiblities for my own life and happiness.
I cant chamnge the world...I can however change me. I have the power N control to change me, change my perceptions. Change my thinking and make decisions to be happy.
Thses are the things that drew her to me...not my miseries nor self pity.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

True..Renae had ran back to her badboy. I wanted my naughty girl
to come home just the same.

Our lives hasnt been perfect and its not perfect now. We are not perfect people. We do love one another very much..I guess were perfect for each other.
The world cant take this away from us..it can if we let it. As lone as she has my back N I have her's..we will go far.

She had risk everything to be with me, again. True I left her high N dry many years ago.
She belives n trust in me . She has faith in us.
Make no mistake. Our future is uncertain or is unknown. Many challenges ahead of us.
I can either dwell in fears or be excited about it. Put my best efforts forward with a possitive attittude. Be grateful for the love thats been given to me.
Id do anything for Renae. She had already done her part...N she aint fixing me.
All Helm to the mighty swore .