Feeling left out?

[TheRealCallie]

For a forum of this nature, I would have to say it has a big problem of people judging others.

I believe that you make a very good point. I must admit now that i have also been a person to judge you, although the words in my head were not as harsh as "tactless" or "heartless" let alone *****. Until i realized that your attitude is one i'd like to learn from and use in my own way of talking. So that lowers whats left of my integrity concerning this project.

That aside, from the top of my head, i find it heard to think of an idea or way to get people to stop judging. Of course, that would be to get them more involved with the people they judge. How would you go about tackling something like that, Callie? If i may ask. Of course i understand if you'd rather not bother with such a thing.

I don't really know if anything CAN be done about that. People tend to judge others, it's a fact of life.
What I don't understand is why people, on a site like this, would judge so quickly and ultimately, based on basically nothing. I think, before people respond to others, they should think about what they are going to say. Determine how they would react if someone said it to them.
Sometimes, it boils down to interpretation of what someone said. Chances are, everyone has had something they said taken in a way that they did not intend. On a site like this, insecurities are high, so things will get taken out of context because, of course, you are going to assume the worst. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about everyone here, but a lot of people are like that.

Aside from actually getting to know a person you have judged or think you don't like, there's not much one can do.

 

[Aisha]

What I don't understand is why people, on a site like this, would judge so quickly and ultimately, based on basically nothing.
Sometimes, it boils down to interpretation of what someone said. Chances are, everyone has had something they said taken in a way that they did not intend.

Aside from actually getting to know a person you have judged or think you don't like, there's not much one can do.

I have only been here a short time and yet I have observed this as well.

When on a forum like this I guess it's always best to remember the actual purpose for which this forum was created. Which is to be a social arena where those lacking or with decreased opportunities for interaction can commune and spend time together. Which means we have a lot of lonely souls who aren't used to being around people as much as most other people would be. I think that would certainly be one of the factors that contributes to certain things being misinterpreted.

The conclusion I've come to is that aside from the fact that this is the internet in all it's unfathomable wonder and people will be people regardless of where you find them, people (including myself) who naturally and normally live on the fringes and outskirts of everything are not always going to find it any easier to socialize if you put them with like minded people than if you put them with anyone else. Sometimes things go wrong and that's when misunderstandings happen. Please do correct me if I'm wrong. I'm worried about being misunderstood even with this comment.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't feel left out here on the forum, in fact, I feel like it is very much a community. I have seen people say here and there that they feel left out. But I myself feel like I'm making some effort to be social here, and I think that just like in the offline world, that's how it works. You have to just put yourself out there.

However, I have, many times, felt left out growing up. I feel like the generation of kids that I grew up with in my grade, were very clique-ish. I don't know if that was actually how they were or not, but it seemed that way to me and I didn't make many attempts to be social at that point in my life. Looking back, I'm not jealous or anything because most of them weren't really into the same things as me anyway so we wouldn't have had much to talk about, and eventually I found my group of friends. But I'm just saying, I have felt left out before.

 

[ardour]

It's a surprise to read this as it seemed you were part of whatever cliques there are.

What else can you know about a person in this medium other than what they choose to put in words?

Aren't we as responsible for what we post as much as how we express ourselves in real life? If someone you didn't know particularly well comes across rude, pushy or arrogant, not being aware of their life story or circumstances is going to be irrelevant. The same applies online I would think.

I agree that it's easy to draw conclusions quickly because we're on a forum and words are easily misinterpreted, but it would seem to really hamper debate if we're constantly second guessing, never feeling confident in forming an opinion on others, their motives, what their problems might actually be or whether there's much in common. Sure you could be mistaken - but there are moderators. Neither does everyone have the time or patience to slowly get to know others via reading between the lines and cross referencing all their comments over a space of months or years. It's worth pointing out how often people are almost unfeasibly tolerant and empathetic here as well.

 

[TheSkaFish]

It's a surprise to read this as it seemed you were part of whatever cliques there are.

What else can you know about a person in this medium other than what they choose to put in words?

Aren't we as responsible for what we post as much as how we express ourselves in real life? If someone you didn't know particularly well comes across rude, pushy or arrogant, not being aware of their life story or circumstances is going to be irrelevant. The same applies online I would think.

I agree that it's easy to draw conclusions too quickly because we're on a forum and words are easily misinterpreted, but it would seem to really hamper debate if we're constantly second guessing, never feeling confident in forming an opinion on others, their motives, what their problems might actually be or whether there's much in common with them. Sure you could be mistaken - but there are moderators. Neither does everyone have the time or patience to slowly get to know others via reading between the lines and cross referencing their comments over a space of months or years. It's worth pointing out how often people are almost unfeasibly tolerant and empathetic here as well.

No, I really wasn't part of any cliques. I liked to play with toys and games, pretend, and read books while the cliquish ones played sports. Then as I grew up, the cliquish ones started just cursing a lot and being negative. I did not really want to join it, because that's what the cool people were like - cursing and mocking everything, smoking pot, catty relationship bs that had little to do with actual romance. I didn't like any of it, or them. I wanted to keep my sunny disposition but I also didn't want to open myself up to attack so I kept a low profile and people assumed I was shy, because I didn't express myself. Unfortunately it just led to the toxic belief that only "the cool people" get anything nice in life, and that someone like me who was out couldn't get too much. So I was not very motivated to get better at anything. I just thought, this is just who I am, oh well. I'm stuck.

It's taken me a while to realize that life and people are not all like that and I have opened up a lot more. Now I would say I am more social, conversational, and confident. I have a sense of my values and what is and isn't okay, and I am assertive about it. And I'm trying to be more aggressive in terms of going for what I want in life even though it's anything but easy.

I agree that we are responsible for what we post, as we would be for what we say. And that context in getting to know someone makes a lot of the difference. I think there are some gems of advice here which could apply to gaining true confidence and success in real life. And there's a few good souls that I would not mind meeting/hanging out with as well. People may be unrealistically tolerant out here, but maybe seeing that you're not alone in your problems and perceptions and that people do solve them, is enough to keep you in the saddle.

 

[ardour]

Apologies Skafish but that was actually directed at Rosebolt...

 

[TheSkaFish]

Apologies Skafish but that was actually directed at Rosebolt...

Ah. I just thought it was directed at me, since it came right after my post and seemed to be a response to what I said there. No worries!

 

[Jently]

What I don't understand is why people, on a site like this, would judge so quickly and ultimately, based on basically nothing.
Sometimes, it boils down to interpretation of what someone said. Chances are, everyone has had something they said taken in a way that they did not intend.

Aside from actually getting to know a person you have judged or think you don't like, there's not much one can do.

I have only been here a short time and yet I have observed this as well.

When on a forum like this I guess it's always best to remember the actual purpose for which this forum was created. Which is to be a social arena where those lacking or with decreased opportunities for interaction can commune and spend time together. Which means we have a lot of lonely souls who aren't used to being around people as much as most other people would be. I think that would certainly be one of the factors that contributes to certain things being misinterpreted.

The conclusion I've come to is that aside from the fact that this is the internet in all it's unfathomable wonder and people will be people regardless of where you find them, people (including myself) who naturally and normally live on the fringes and outskirts of everything are not always going to find it any easier to socialize if you put them with like minded people than if you put them with anyone else. Sometimes things go wrong and that's when misunderstandings happen. Please do correct me if I'm wrong. I'm worried about being misunderstood even with this comment.

Bravo. That was extremely well put and I wish I could have made the comment myself.

Let's hope that this thread will lead to better understanding and communication between those of us who are here because we have a need to interact with others.

 

[Edward W]

Hmm, I seem to have missed this when it started.

Reading through I have to just agree with somethign Lady F said, just start posting where you can, the games are very good for that, and certainly for me I felt at ease here doing that.

I read alot more posts than I reply to, and I get a sense of people over time, some of you I may never have directly spoken to (well replied to!), yet I still feel I know you.

I don't post on all topics as some I don't feel I can add anything, or feel I am unqualified to do so. When I can, I try and help, otherwise I just join in generally.

So, um, in conclusion... erm... post where you can and where you feel comfortable!

Funny thing is I see comments this thread relates to posted by people that surprise me, like Rosebolt for example, who to me (and by me) is respected and a real asset to this forum.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

This is a rather interesting thread, I feel left out but I've always felt left out. There's of course people who I've talked too and have told me they feel the same way and feel like a certain member on this community hates them and when they say this to me, I feel for them cause I don't believe anyone should be hated? As for me do I feel left out, yes I do at times but I still try to become active here and participate and talk to different members on here. When people ignore me I used to cry about it and get bent out of shape but now I just try to talk to other people and help people who are looking for help. I don't do it cause I have too, I do it cause I want too, there's something in me that wants to help people. People are important to me, especially people's feelings cause I know what it's like to feel left out and kicked off to the sides, nobody should feel like this. Eventually I'll get over it and I'll try again, but for other people it's really hard on them and have told me how they want to leave the site but I keep telling them to stay but I can't force them to stay either. I'll join in the chat and I'll be happy to talk with everyone. =)

And I know not everyone is going to like me, I've already met people who don't really like me. I kept asking myself why? why do they hate me? Now I don't really ask that question as much anymore cause I know not everyone is going to like me.

 

[Rosebolt]

It's a surprise to read this as it seemed you were part of whatever cliques there are.

What else can you know about a person in this medium other than what they choose to put in words?

Aren't we as responsible for what we post as much as how we express ourselves in real life? If someone you didn't know particularly well comes across rude, pushy or arrogant, not being aware of their life story or circumstances is going to be irrelevant. The same applies online I would think.

I agree that it's easy to draw conclusions quickly because we're on a forum and words are easily misinterpreted, but it would seem to really hamper debate if we're constantly second guessing, never feeling confident in forming an opinion on others, their motives, what their problems might actually be or whether there's much in common. Sure you could be mistaken - but there are moderators. Neither does everyone have the time or patience to slowly get to know others via reading between the lines and cross referencing all their comments over a space of months or years. It's worth pointing out how often people are almost unfeasibly tolerant and empathetic here as well.

You're right about the first part. I used to be in a clique back when i started out. At the moment i'm more of the guy that everyone remembers from back then, occasionally making appreciated posts.

While it's true that we are responsible for what we do and say, there is also the environment that plays a sometimes almost decisive factor in the behavior and reluctancy of people. I cannot stress enough that putting yourself out there and going for it is really, like SkaFish pointed out, the way to go. But i cannot and will not deny the idea that the environment in which one partakes in, plays a major role in the acceptance of someone into any given community.

I'm not sure if your last paragraph is in response to me, or to Ska, since, unless i misunderstood you, i don't think i mentioned anything to warant the content of your response there.

There's one thing i do want to point out here. This is seperate from the whole idea of this thread, as this is my personal opinion. I agree that there are people who are very very empathetic and tolerant on here. People here can be absolutely amazing. However, i personally also feel that there are also people who get easily offended for one reason or another, and can, sometimes even intentionally, completely block out a person. Every human being deserves i chance, i feel. This is especially dangerous if one has moderator powers. However i haven't witnessed that being used in that way in at least a month. That's progress.

Funny thing is I see comments this thread relates to posted by people that surprise me, like Rosebolt for example, who to me (and by me) is respected and a real asset to this forum.

This reminds me alot of the thread that Alonewith2kitties made recently, about acting in life and on the forum. I guess it's also comparable to the stereotype rich banker, who craves money alot more than a stereotypical oh so happy african person has.

 

[Outcast]

I always feel left out everywhere. At work, at school (when I was at school), online, offline... It doesn't matter to me where I am. I think it's a thing inside my head, just silly thoughts how I am not good enough or being weird somehow. I'm constantly thinking what other people are thinking about me, so stupid!

^This!

I tend to beat myself up too much if a social situation doesn't exactly go as I anticipated, whether its a PM or just a conversation. I'm too hard on myself. I focus too much on what people think, when I should just focus on being myself and relax. It makes me not want to put myself out there. People make me nervous =/