Feeling lost.

[Elf]

Finally going to break down and reach out.
I've lived with my boyfriend for a year now, and we've been together a little shy of three.
We met on the Internet, and he lived out of state.. We would devote all of our time talking on the phone and skyping, and we would visit each other here and there.. We decided it was time to live together, so he moved here.
Everything started fine, he had visited here before and had some friends so falling into a group of friends wasnt hard for him.. But he has gotten very sick and reclusive so we do not have friends anymore.
I am the only one who works, he has never had a job. He says his sickness keeps him unable to work and I see that.. But he gets so angry when we don't have money to go to a concert or buy something we want.
We just fight a lot now. About money, about having no friends, how I ruined his life by bringing him here.
I'm very sensitive to emotions and when he yells at me I just go crazy feeling like a failure.
He says I don't share the same love of going out to concerts and meeting people in that community, but I do.. We just don't have money to do it all the time like he wants. When I deny him this he gets very mad at me and our entire relationship gets threatened. It's like he's under the impression I don't want the same things. It's frustrating.
He says I need to change and this whole relationships success rests on me... So I feel like if I deny him anything he will leave. God it hurts.
I've given up a lot for him. My best friend doesnt talk to me anymore because I couldn't make time to talk with him. I have no interests anymore. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just feel so lost in my relationship...

 

[EveWasFramed]

Give him the funds to send him back to where he came from and be done with it, Elf. It's very manipulative for him to make you feel responsible for EVERYTHING.

 

[Edward W]

Hi Elf.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it seems very unfair to you. I can understand if your boyfriend is angry about his sickness, but thats not your fault.

You do need to be careful about money, concerts are a luxury compared to paying to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.

He appears to be using emotional blackmail, implying that he might leave if he doesn't get what he wants? **** unfair.

I can't tell you what to do, only you really know how you feel, but from what you've said just know that you are not in the wrong.

He chose to live with you and he chose not to keep up friendships. Maybe he can't work, but he should respect that you have limited income that must be used wisely.

Anyway, if you ever want to, feel free to PM me.

 

[Naleena]

It sounds like you really love him. You can be dirt poor and still enjoy time together. Have you guys considered free community activities or going to the park or hiking? As far as your relationship resting soley on you, that is not fair. What would happen if you did not have money for the few things you do? It is a sad thing to hold that over your head. I ask you this. Elf, do you want to live in a relationship with a person treating you like that for the rest of your life? Is this relationship giving you the love and support you need? Only you know the answer. I would encourage you to live and make your decisions from a place of honouring yourself and be careful of making decisions from a place of fear. Good luck.

Finally going to break down and reach out.
I've lived with my boyfriend for a year now, and we've been together a little shy of three.
We met on the Internet, and he lived out of state.. We would devote all of our time talking on the phone and skyping, and we would visit each other here and there.. We decided it was time to live together, so he moved here.
Everything started fine, he had visited here before and had some friends so falling into a group of friends wasnt hard for him.. But he has gotten very sick and reclusive so we do not have friends anymore.
I am the only one who works, he has never had a job. He says his sickness keeps him unable to work and I see that.. But he gets so angry when we don't have money to go to a concert or buy something we want.
We just fight a lot now. About money, about having no friends, how I ruined his life by bringing him here.
I'm very sensitive to emotions and when he yells at me I just go crazy feeling like a failure.
He says I don't share the same love of going out to concerts and meeting people in that community, but I do.. We just don't have money to do it all the time like he wants. When I deny him this he gets very mad at me and our entire relationship gets threatened. It's like he's under the impression I don't want the same things. It's frustrating.
He says I need to change and this whole relationships success rests on me... So I feel like if I deny him anything he will leave. God it hurts.
I've given up a lot for him. My best friend doesnt talk to me anymore because I couldn't make time to talk with him. I have no interests anymore. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just feel so lost in my relationship...

 

[Cavey]

Give him the funds to send him back to where he came from and be done with it, Elf. It's very manipulative for him to make you feel responsible for EVERYTHING.

Slightly harsher than I would have put it, but the sentiment remains the same.

---

You seem very unhappy, Elf. What are you actually getting out of this relationship? From the sounds of it, you're trying your best to make this work and getting very little in return.

Try remembering a time before you moved in together; were you happier? Had more friends? More social life? Less isolated? If so, then you need to explain to him exactly how all this is making you feel. If he gets angry or refuses to take any responsibility, then things will probably never change and the relationship won't have much chance of surviving.

Once upon a time, someone had a chat like that with me. She gave up her entire life to be with me, but I still wanted to act like a child. I was much like your boyfriend. I blamed her for the failings in our relationship. I wouldn't make an effort or change at all. I told her she'd just have to deal with it. In the end, she realised that sometimes loving someone isn't enough - especially if it's stripping away your self-worth. So she did the only thing she could do... she left.

You have to do what is right for you. If that means leaving him, then that's what you will have to do. In the end, you'd be doing him a favour. Losing what I cared about changed me into a far better man than I was before.

I hope everything works out for you, either way, there are people here who are always willing to talk/listen.

 

[perfanoff]

Concerts? What kind of a spoiled manchild is he.. I've got enough health issues, yet I work yet I don't feel I'm entitled to go to concerts. The last new clothes I've gotten were a gift for my birthday half a year ago and that's not because I don't physically have the money for that. I spend what comes for living necessities and the rest to assist my family.

With all due respect I'm glad that I don't live in your country so I have to feed him and sponsor his concerts with my taxes while I'm sick and toiling away every day 9 to 5. Surely a person that has the physical ability to go to a concert can do SOME kind of job. He'd also be more happy if he did something.. anything.

 

[9006]

This is the problem with long distance relationships, because you're not around that person often, you never really know what they're like and how they act in situations, I think it's easy to fall for someone over the net, because they can be anything you imagine, really. I suspect this is what's happened, then it got serious, and now this guy is showing himself.

This guy seems to have more negatives than positives, he seems bitter, ignorant, selfish, immature and uses emotional blackmail in an attempt to hurt you. As sad as it sounds, I think you'd be better cutting your loss, but ultimately, it's all down to how you feel, as a last resort you could lay down the situation and how you feel as motivation for him to get it together, but try not to let your feelings warp your judgement.

Good luck!

 

[EveWasFramed]

Give him the funds to send him back to where he came from and be done with it, Elf. It's very manipulative for him to make you feel responsible for EVERYTHING.

Slightly harsher than I would have put it, but the sentiment remains the same.

I agree, it was, user 130057.

It was a gut response, from having been in a similar situation.
That kind of manipulation is deadly to a person's self-esteem.
Elf seems like a kind, decent person but someone who is that manipulative...
Well....she needs to immediately take action to remove them from her life.
Im truly sorry if I came across as unfeeling, Elf, but it's the exact opposite.
I was concerned enough to be blunt and to the point, not mincing words.

Please...believe me when I say that you are being purposely manipulated and made to feel "less than."
I truly worry for you.

 

[Elf]

Concerts? What kind of a spoiled manchild is he.. I've got enough health issues, yet I work yet I don't feel I'm entitled to go to concerts. The last new clothes I've gotten were a gift for my birthday half a year ago and that's not because I don't physically have the money for that. I spend what comes for living necessities and the rest to assist my family.

With all due respect I'm glad that I don't live in your country so I have to feed him and sponsor his concerts with my taxes while I'm sick and toiling away every day 9 to 5. Surely a person that has the physical ability to go to a concert can do SOME kind of job. He'd also be more happy if he did something.. anything.

Thanks for inspiring me to never post on this site again! fresia you.

 

[Naleena]

Elf. I know that's your pain talking. However, you did ask for help. He was only trying to do that. Everyone has opinions. I hope you find your answers soon and sometimes we just have to learn as we go. Life is about learning what is good or not good for us. You may have to get your answer through your experience. Good luck. I'm also here if I can help.

Concerts? What kind of a spoiled manchild is he.. I've got enough health issues, yet I work yet I don't feel I'm entitled to go to concerts. The last new clothes I've gotten were a gift for my birthday half a year ago and that's not because I don't physically have the money for that. I spend what comes for living necessities and the rest to assist my family.

With all due respect I'm glad that I don't live in your country so I have to feed him and sponsor his concerts with my taxes while I'm sick and toiling away every day 9 to 5. Surely a person that has the physical ability to go to a concert can do SOME kind of job. He'd also be more happy if he did something.. anything.

Thanks for inspiring me to never post on this site again! fresia you.

 

[perfanoff]

So it's okay for you to criticize your boyfriend but it's not okay for me to express my views on him because he's special? You're going to scratch my face off for voicing my opinion?

This society.......

 

[Naleena]

Concerts? What kind of a spoiled manchild is he.. I've got enough health issues, yet I work yet I don't feel I'm entitled to go to concerts. The last new clothes I've gotten were a gift for my birthday half a year ago and that's not because I don't physically have the money for that. I spend what comes for living necessities and the rest to assist my family.

With all due respect I'm glad that I don't live in your country so I have to feed him and sponsor his concerts with my taxes while I'm sick and toiling away every day 9 to 5. Surely a person that has the physical ability to go to a concert can do SOME kind of job. He'd also be more happy if he did something.. anything.

She works and she pays for his things. That last part was a bit harsh and off topic. She was asking for help about the relationship. I was suprised by it as your always so nice.

 

[perfanoff]

A lot of the eyebrow-raising posts I make are about a reflection of myself than of other people. I can see parts of my younger, good-for-only-being-a-burden self in her description of him and what keeps me going and not reverting back is the anti-compassion for these traits.

I'll take you thinking of me as having been nice as a compliment but don't be fooled. I don't really see myself or necessarily want to be that way.

 

[Naleena]

A lot of the eyebrow-raising posts I make are about a reflection of myself than of other people. I can see parts of my younger, good-for-only-being-a-burden self in her description of him and what keeps me going and not reverting back is the anti-compassion for these traits.

I'll take you thinking of me as having been nice as a compliment but don't be fooled. I don't really see myself or necessarily want to be that way.

I hear what you are saying and I can see that. All I have seen of you has been good. If you feel that way or not, it is how I see you.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It was a gut response, from having been in a similar situation.
That kind of manipulation is deadly to a person's self-esteem.
Elf seems like a kind, decent person but someone who is that manipulative...
Well....she needs to immediately take action to remove them from her life.
Im truly sorry if I came across as unfeeling, Elf, but it's the exact opposite.
I was concerned enough to be blunt and to the point, not mincing words.

Please...believe me when I say that you are being purposely manipulated and made to feel "less than."
I truly worry for you.

This.. as I am speaking from experience too.
You'd have a hard time realising that you're being manipulated because your judgement is most likely clouded by your feelings towards him. And you can't see the fact that you're actually all right, that there is nothing wrong with you and you shouldn't feel negatively about yourself. The fact that he's making you feel less than what you are is a huge red flag.

It's not easy breaking out of something you've been comfortable having for some time.. and not to mention you care about him. But try to step back.. and look at the situation from the outside.. and give yourself a break. It's not right.. what he's doing to you here. :\

 

[Tiina63]

Hi Elf, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. It would be easy for me as an objective outsider to tell you to end the relationship with your boyfriend, but when you are in love with someone walking away is not easy. He certainly should not be yelling at you when he doesn't get his own way and when you can't afford to take him to concerts, but maybe this is his sickness talking rather than him. Was he healthy when you met and did he treat you well then? He could be feeling fed up and frustrated about being unwell and be taking it out on you as the closest person to him. Does he get treatment for his illness or is it something which he just has to live with and which could last his whole life? To be honest, I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do and, in your shoes, I would end the relationship if I felt strong enough to break away. It is draining you to live with someone so demanding. I was a carer for my elderly parents and sick people can be demanding and frustraing to live with at times.

 

[Evil_Genius]

Give him the funds to send him back to where he came from and be done with it, Elf. It's very manipulative for him to make you feel responsible for EVERYTHING.

Slightly harsher than I would have put it, but the sentiment remains the same.

Actually, I am right there with Eve here... This guy seems like a meal-ticket junkie. He wants her to put things right, he wants her to earn enough so that he gets what he wants without either financial or emotionally constructive input from him at all.

I know some illness makes you unable to work, but not completely. If he's well enough to go to concerts then he's well enough to at least work long enough to put a little money into the kitty. Most employers will look into ways around Long term illness and whilst the jobs which are open to this, aren't the best jobs, they at least pay a little.

Sometimes people are too **** lazy and need to get of their backsides and knuckle down and work. I hate my job, but I go every morning, even when I feel like death, because otherwise I don't get paid and I have bills to pay and people to support.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. But you're not alone, I met someone off the internet back in 2008 and everything started out fine. He didn't work either, had lots of issues that I wasn't aware of. Basically walked into a bad relationship, walking in thinking our relationship would be great.

What he's doing isn't right. It sounds like he's finally showing his true colors to you. Hope you can get yourself out this relationship. That much stress isn't worth it. Hope things work out for you.