Feeling quite down! (and an update)

[Senamian]

Oh yeah... Anyone wants to help they can! lol. I talked to my mom, and she is unsure about how to get him to understand that he HAS to do this.

 

[Groucho]

Nope Nana is my grandma. This woman is my SO's Mom... And she is not religious (at this point thank God (lol..))

I really do feel unmotivated to tend to my kid already. Don't think it helped that I was incapable of doing anything for the three dayswe were in the hospital... And I have tried to tell my SO how I felt about what she says but there is no response in return. I understand.. It is his mom. But even I have snapped at my own mom for some things she used to say or do (key word: USED TO). I haven't cut her out or anything but I set down what was acceptable. And so far her and my dad are the ONLY ones with any faith in our ability to care for OUR kid. As my Mom said: "I can only advice you, not tell you."

As for his mother's intentions... I think this is just how she is. You're sticking a stubborn hot headed person (me) against an ewualky stubborn sharp tongued person (her). It's a disaster already. She likes her other son's SO because she is "sweet and nice" (very true actually) but really it is because she nods and smiles. I don't.

When we left her house two nights ago, I was more than tense. I was ******* rigid. And he knew that because he has seen me like this before (except last time it was sided with a desire to KO his neighbor >_> ). I may have to ask my Mom to help me out with getting him to stand up for himself and his family. I don't want this stress... I don't want to battle this alone and sure as Hell don't want to have to try to defend myself hopelessly against his mother!!

Okay. I apologise, keeping track of family members is not my thing.

I'm curious as to why/how your SO can feel inclined to KO a neighbour, but cannot stand up to his own mother?

He doesn't necessarily have to stand up for himself or the family (confrontation will just make the situation worse in general), but just be willing to ignore and isolate his mother and minimise contact so she knows that hostile and unfriendly behaviour will be responded to with a loss of contact. Nothing aggressive or she can play the victim card:
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/01/1...-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/

Eventually it will subconsciously register that being nasty = loss of contact with family, and should hopefully reduce the aggressiveness. Attacking her will just entrench her position and 'convince' her she's in the right. Isolating her means she has to make the aggressive moves which means it's easier to prove what's she's doing is wrong to her.

 

[Senamian]

Ha if you met his old neighbor... druggy, alcoholic, offensive, pushy, loud, chauvinistic, egotistical... The list goes on! He was close to being knocked out by me... And I have a lot of patience for people I don't like. A LOT.

Family is a lot different. They're people you don't really want to isolate, or say no to... Even when they are the first ones who aught to hear that or need to understand there are consequences for certain things they do.

On a good note though, I had gotten a few vitamins yesterday... Had looked up something called 5-HTP. It's supposedly a "healthy mood balancing" supplement. That's one I did get... Maybe it works. I'd rather this than drugs... Heck even if it does a placebo affect I don't mind lol..

 

[jaguarundi]

As for his mother's intentions... I think this is just how she is. You're sticking a stubborn hot headed person (me) against an ewualky stubborn sharp tongued person (her). It's a disaster already. She likes her other son's SO because she is "sweet and nice" (very true actually) but really it is because she nods and smiles. I don't.

Seems to me your SO is used to strong, stubborn women lol! Maybe that's why he wants to be with - you

She thinks she knows what's best, and I reckon that in fact she really cares, but she wants to boss you a bit. Ok - A LOT. And you don't nod and smile and try to be 'nice' - just to be liked, because that isn't your nature (and boy, do I know that one). You want to do it your way, and quite right, this is your little family now.

But - a disaster? No. Not quite. Difficult, annoying and bloody frustrating - oooh yes. This is going to be hard for you, especially having given birth to a child the size of a large family thanksgiving turkey with inadequate medical care and not enough painkillers. But look, your SO is doing his best, sounds like, and although you are the one who suffered the birth and all, I suspect that trying to hold the ring between you and his Mum might be, for him, let us say, --- a bit ... tricky?

Also, he is a bloke, and even the best of them are not always good at understanding the interplay between women, because basically, they aren't women. Which is not to be sexist, but I reckon most men handle stuff between them a bit differently than we do.

So, despite your quite natural desire to call down a lightening bolt and have her driven 10 metres into the ground like a stale croissant, if you possibly, possibly can - try to see the funny side of this? Just a little bit. Because the whole 'what the fresia do you know' thing actually does read a bit - well, sitcom funny. Sorry if it offends when I say that, but picture it on 'How I met your mother' or whatever. See?

And in the end, unfortunately, you have more insight than she does, I think. And it generally falls to the insightful to make a few allowances for the pig-*******-ignorant amongst us. I know, it's a bugger, but there it is.

 

[Groucho]

Oh yeah... Anyone wants to help they can! lol. I talked to my mom, and she is unsure about how to get him to understand that he HAS to do this.

Going in the deepend might produce explosive results, so I'd check around the outside to gauge reaction potential first. Ask him how he feels about A) his own mother being particularly aggressive to him, and B) how he feels about his own mother being aggressive to his own wife? Make sure you have some examples and case scenarios memorised because chances are he'll ask 'what do you mean?' or similar.

That will allow you to gauge what his stance is so you can figure the best way to proceed. You might want to phrase it more tactfully than I have because diplomacy is not my thing and I tend to be quite blunt.

Because it strikes me all the women are leading the charge (EG your mother had to step in to stop his mother from making him cut the umbilical cord, and you're being forced to do something about his mother whilst he isn't) when realistically he should at least be leading half of the charge if not more. I'm quite reserved and introverted but I know if I was being made to do something I didn't want to do, I would vocally refuse and not do it.

 

[Senamian]

Well I realize that I may have to put my foot down towards him when he "agrees" (we all know it is reluctantly agreeing) with his mom. Instead of explaining why I don't want to do something or allow something, I may need to be extremely blunt. Which I don't tend to like to do since I don't want to upset anyone or make them feel offended (only offended person would be her anyways when I disagree) blah blah whatever...I just don't care anymore. (if she isn't careful soon here I may just 'accidentally' say that outloud.

And yes you are right, the women seem to be taking charge... I am more laid back, maybe a little "old" for my age and this time when I say I don't care to lead in a relationship (not going to touch the gender roles in relationships). It takes two to keep a relationship good and going, yes, but I shouldn't have to "run the show" when it comes to a lot of things. It gets tiring to do so!

Yeah... Another thing I have to explain (again) to him is why I didn't want them to buy us a crib (I'm sorry, I did find it a little offensive when I have something already...). One of the reasons is what I have ( 3-in-1 playpen/bassinet thing) has a lovely pull over cover that keeps the cat out... Who likes to sleep on people's chests and necks... And her door cannot be closed since that room heats up twice as fast, and gets unbearable (winter stops us from opening the window...). Then she wants us to set up this crib... Which we won't be able to use as I will feel extremely worried that the cat is suffocating her... And wants me to lend her what we are using now...

** just note that the cat really doesn't mind the baby and does try to sleep directly on her neck or chest. I don't want to attempt to rig a netting around the crib just because of the cat (who will then claw and tear down said net LOL)

Notice how all of this is orchestrated without my word in any of it. :/ I forgot, who birthed this child? Oh, right, me!! lol. Help and advice is nice... But... To a point. Though a crib would be nice when she is older and able to still breathe with a cat potentially draped across her chest.

 

[MTrip]

The next time it comes up, tell your Nana that you're training your child to be the next priest for the local cult of Melchizedek. When he's old enough he'll start sacrificing chickens & goats on the altar. Since your Nana is one of those religious fanatics whom one cannot have a decent conversation with, you might as well just hit & dig in your knuckles next time.

 

[Senamian]

Actually, the last time my nana and I had a conversation that ended in her offending me somehow was telling me I was going to Hell for learning Islam... I like to learn. As long as I choose to, and it isn't forced. But to her it was terrible. So she dragged up a few things from their book, to point out how "evil" they are. I did a good amount of research and proved to her that the word used for "beat" or "hit" in the passage about the men being allowed to "punish" their wives if they fear rebellion... Which is the passage she kept referring to... Is actually used over 50 times in the book, each time with a completely different meaning. Besides, the writings are from the start of their religion LOL. If the bible stayed the same, it would be just as horrifying. She dropped the conversation about that ever again I challenge the "ask no questions" all the time. It's who I am. My friends range from Pagan, to Christian... And everything inbetween. We can even have a nice conversation about what if's, scenarios, differences and similarities without ANYONE getting offended or huffy. It's pretty awesome actually.

I outright told her though that my daughter can bloody well choose what she wants. If she turns out to be Christian... Good for her. Atheist? Whatever she wants. I'm agnostic, he's atheist... Neither of us care what she chooses (as long as safety remains there of course...)

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My head hurts SO bad right now... Pretty nasty migraine. Finally got her to sleep... Only because I let her cry (and blocked it out with headphones ;( ). I don't like doing that, but it beats frustration when all she is is tired and refuses to sleep! Apparently, the old practice of "crying it out" is frowned upon... But then again, so is everything that used to work I wouldn't let her continuously cry though... Maybe a minute. Two tops. And only if I am seriously desperate.

 

[Senamian]

I have been insulted, I have been mocked, I have been degraded... I've already felt worthless, unwanted, incapable, and unheard...

I am close to... No, I am now going to be telling a lot of people to just. fresia. OFF. If decisions are going to be made without my say, they can fresia off. If someone's going to insult me, I'm going to turn it back around and shove it back at them like the sarcastic smartass I am.


I already told my SO that the spiteful woman at his workplace, will recieve a lovely anonymous call from me. Why? Because HE offered to take the day for the 6 week check up off, and SHE told him (aka told me through him), to "put my big girl panties on" and go by myself. Also that means I would have to WALK AN HOUR to the clinic in the cold with a potentially fussy baby... And at this point? Enough people have pushed my buttons. Everyone might think I am kidding... But no, I am not. Next time she complains, he needs to send me a text. When I call, I ask for her, and when she answers i'll personally tell her to PUT HER BIG GIRL PANTIES ON because obviously the ones she's wearing are too tight.

And as silly as that may sound (and it did make a few of the guys laugh...), it's happening. Usually, I don't step on toes. But I am done. Absolutely done. I don't care if I upset anyone anymore.