Feeling quite down! (and an update)

[Senamian]

I guess the update should be first! Those who don't know, I had a baby February 6... Those who did know - FINALLY! -_- though it was a lot more unpleasant than it should have been. Plainly putting: immediately starting at 2.5 minutes apart for contractions, major blood loss (they were so wrong on her weight... She was over 10 pounds... And she is my first...), inability to remember a lot of it because of it, 3 days in the hospital and nurses downplaying my pain and discomfort. :/

That said, I do wish some (many) people would shut up. Or at least think before they speak. I remember being smacked upside the head when I was a kid for blurting out stupid things - but I don't think people would take that kindly nowadays lol.

I don't exactly feel like I have any self esteem anymore. Between the pressure people are putting on me, and not feeling like I exist? It sucks. My opinions obviously don't matter. In their eyes these people only see what THEY want, assume, demand and believe.

My Nana acts like we are terrible parents because (as she calls her) our "pagan child" is obviously doomed since we are not religious. Plain and simple: she can believe whatever the Hell she wants! She ends up Christian? Okay. Turns out Athiest? Sure. Something else? Whatever. I made that known. But I feel talking to the wall makes more sense because at least I could pretend it could hear me...

Ladies: I also have afterpains; that lovely thing for post partum memories. Except it is me huddled on the bed/couch/floor/whatever is closest, clenching my hands against my abdomen, crying and wailing because it feels like a never ending labor contraction (straight 30-50 minutes of pure agony), incapable of moving, standing or walking... Followed by feeling weak and bruised for the whole day after it passes. But sympathy is overrated... People downplay it. I MUST be exaggerating. Then they get angry at me and bash me for for being afraid to pump milk or nurse my child because I don't want to lay there in absolute agony with no one else there, feeling useless and worthless as my child cries to be fed/held! -_-

And the feeling of nonexistence. Which began closer to the end of pregnancy and though has slightly improved... Is still happening. I don't remember the last compliment, or the last time I was hugged/cuddled by my SO without me trying to instigate it (I stopped trying... What's the point?!).

So hypocrites, pushy people, and a complete lack of sympathy from family... Plus my self image depleted (thank them for that too...), and haven't gotten to leave the house... I'm feeling quite down. Unfortunately this may end up in post partum depression, if this keeps up.

Oh, and it's frigid Canadian winter. So not like I can walk it off or whatever either. That and I only recently have been able to move around more than a couple minutes at a time -_- I am hoping warm weather comes soon... I can at least improve my fitness again, which will help.

 

[Groucho]

I don't know what to say as I don't really have any knowledge or experience with this sort of thing. I want to encourage you and stuff, but my mind is blank as to what to actually say.

I know, rubbish post of mine.

 

[jaguarundi]

Nope, never had a kid either. Always thought it sounded like too much hard work.... Your Nana's despair over your pagan child comes over (dare I say it?) as kind of funny. But not I suppose if you are on the receiving end of it.

As for the rest.. never met a nurse who wasn't a bit on the callous side. Not the same circumstances I know, but after an op I was feeling sore, tired, and basically, like crap, and they kept telling me I would feel better if I just tried to get up and walk about.

The nagging-est one insisted on forcing me out of bed, I staggered upright, - and - I threw up all over her feet. And guess what, she was right. I DID feel better after that....

 

[Senamian]

Lol it was funny at first, but when my Nana turned it around as a lash out at me for refusing her beliefs (they are pushed... And I ask questions she hates that), that was when I had enough!

LOL guess that nurse was right hey? I was too weak to stand. I couldn't even lift my arms and they expected me to move around lol. No idea what is "dangerously low" but I was told that women should have their haemoglobin about 120... I was closer to 75. And was as pale as a ghost! (they also said the afterpain would hurt less after a while... Lies!)

 

[jaguarundi]

Different reasons but I too was anaemic. Consultant came around with his students and pointed out to the nurses that I looked 'very wishy_washy' and needed either iron supplements or a transfusion. They were all over me after that... some of them were OK, but some were just, I don't know .. Callous!

You could try telling Nana that you are going to dedicate your child to Beelzebub at the next full moon, and see how high she hits the ceiling. If you really are pagan (as opposed to just not Christian) she probably thinks that's what you are doing anyway!

 

[Senamian]

Yeah... Once the doctor came in she pushed for the transfusion. That and got me the proper pain killers that my chart said I was supposed to be on (compared to ibuprofen that did nothing for pain!). Felt so much better afterwards.

Lol I explained to her what pagan is NOW as I have a couple pagan friends (back in her day she says a pagan was anyone who was not Christian!), but she still stood by her phrase I was very tempted to say, "well actually we were looking into Satanist, but we're debating it still". BUT she is my Nana... Lol.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Anyone labelling a child that way needs to pull their head out of their ass, doesn't seem very 'Christian-like' to label an innocent child that way. I'm looking at my daughter right thinking anyone trying to hang something like that on her would be ass-deep in a snow bank flailing their legs helplessly....

 

[Groucho]

Rather than everyone arguing or advocating their position or point of view (or even going so far as using the devil - an evil person, if anyone couldn't figure - as a cheapshot against their nan), perhaps the child should be treated as an adult and left to decide for themselves, rather than being indoctrinated or added to some pagan cult.

Only fair after all an individual gets to make their own decisions. Too many people treat children as blank slates of which to override their ideals on, or to use as 'achievement posts' or as potshots against other family members by saying this or that.

It's kid. Doesn't know anything. Let it grow up in a neutral environment.

 

[Senamian]

Now now, I really wouldn't say it to her lol. My SO is atheist, I am agnostic. She
wants to learn something in particular I can always help - I have many friends of different races, religons and cultures. I wouldn't hate her if she became Christian (why would I?). I already know it will be an endless battle though with my Nana unfortunately.

Really was not aiming for this to become a religious rant/chat either btw. That just happened to be a part of a lot of crap going on. A small part even! Soon here I am going to end up pissing off a lot of people by telling them to back off, with a lot of the other issues... Like their lack of empathy, and pushy rudeness about how I will do things. I already helped raised my niece and nephew for example (apparently doesn't count?!), and know that each kid is different and different tactics may or may not work. I was already told I was going to be a terrible parent because I won't spoil kids rotten. I wasn't raised spoiled, I don't see why kids should be.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I was already told I was going to be a terrible parent because I won't spoil kids rotten. I wasn't raised spoiled, I don't see why kids should be.

It used to piss my parents off when I'd tell them that they were incredible examples of parenthood- whatever they did, I'd do the opposite My daughters eleven now- she's never been hit, yelled at, belittled, or ignored. She's incredibly polite, helpful, interesting, and fun to be around....more or less the opposite of me as a child. If she's spoiled with anything it would be time.

 

[Groucho]

I already helped raised my niece and nephew for example (apparently doesn't count?!), and know that each kid is different and different tactics may or may not work. I was already told I was going to be a terrible parent because I won't spoil kids rotten. I wasn't raised spoiled, I don't see why kids should be.

I concur with children not being spoiled rotten (however I don't think stuff should be withheld or neglected, if you get me), because spoiled children become very expectant and demanding (and from my own experience I find they tend to be the bullies in school).

For me the main issue was the lack of emotional support and affection. Some kids push it away but I think all secretly want it in some form (just it's seen as something weird in today's society of disconnected computer interaction). Any items or goods don't fill an emotional void. You only have to look at rich kids and rich adults to see how they act to know that it doesn't work.

Just sideline and ignore the control freak. Everyone will have an opinion on parenting (including me), but you'll have to sift through and find the information of what works (I will say again, from my experience, lack of emotional interaction, like hugging, in my childhood I feel has hurt my future experiences - I don't connect with people).


As a comparative note, with my family, we treat our cat differently. My mother spoils the cat rotten and will give it extra food (it only tends to lick off the jelly and not eat the meat), I however don't. The cat will follow and purr with my mother, but it will also follow, harass and beg, even when she's trying to focus on other tasks. The cat won't follow me around, but it will generally do as I say (it does understand my commands even when a fully constructed English sentence), and won't harass and beg unless it actually needs something.

I won't give the cat additional food until it's finished the meat (or it's clear it will starve rather than eat the meat). It will beg expectantly, and I'll say "finish what you've got!" and it will lower it's head and finish off it's food, then ask.

People test boundaries, as do kids and animals. Give them an inch and they'll take a yard. But being too stern might also cause distance, so it depends on your preferences.

 

[Senamian]

Lol it is true. Even the worst parents are amazing examples one thing I remember, which is the same thing my niece does: if you ground a kid for the whole day they probably WONT remember what they did. I really didn't... And got spanked for lying about not knowing what I did! my niece does the same thing, and gets the same punishment I used to get! But being young enough to remember certain things (including trauma based memories), I know what NOT to do and what I can do.

Which reminds me... What's up with mocking new parents?! "Mom brain" (it's called sleep deprivation.... Not a Mom thing!). Laughing at how "you'll never be" in terms of looks, weight, career, freedom, happiness, etc... It's depressing how people see that, yet they end up with kids anyways. If you "knew" your life would "suck" why did you let it happen?

---

*** I group up with a parent who didn't have the ability to show emotion. She never has... So looking for encouragement ended up in disappointment. The one thing I KNOW I must work on (a bad BAD learned habit) is to avoid the shut down, shut off, and refusing to talk about things. I want her to be able to do what I couldn't!

 

[jaguarundi]

^ You sound like you are giving lot a lot of thought. Just don't be too hard on yourself if you make a few mistakes now and then. Even parents are allowed to be human

As for your Nana, hopefully she will confine her attitude to you and not tell your child the same old shtick. Not great for you (and a bit of a naughty thought about telling her silly stuff like your Satanist joke will keep you sane, I'm sure!) but it would be much worse if she let your kid feel bad about not sharing her religion.

 

[Senamian]

Lol mistakes are inevitable. That much I do know at least if I become frustrated, he can take over... And vice versa. One of us is at least sane at the time lol.

 

[SofiasMami]

Wait, you birthed a baby that weighed over 10 lbs? Gawd, please tell me you had a C-section or at the very least an epidural. OUCH.
After my kiddo was born, I used to cry at exactly 7pm every day. I have no idea why but it had to be something hormonal, maybe my body clock/ hormones peaked around the same time, who knows.
After 3 months straight of crying, my daughter's dad pushed me to go to the doctor and I was on anti-depressants for a time.
I also nursed and it seemed like my shirts and bedsheets were always wet from leaky boobs. Not fun!

As for dealing with meddling family, I only know that when I'm not sure what to do, I do the opposite of what my parents would have done. They were very neglectful and not good parents. I also have some good friends that I use as role models with parenting.

Congrats on your baby! It's the toughest job you'll ever love!

-Teresa

 

[Senamian]

No c section... epidural wore off on my right side, which the afterpains were more intense on the same side (coincidence?!). They assumed she would be at most 8 poinds so no c section was mentioned ;(

I can't breastfeed at all now. "well's run dry" you could say -_- went from 4 ounces (the agony causing amount) to 2, now barely anything. All well. My spouse doesn't care if I breastfeed or bottlefeed anyways (even if 98% of our family does...)

Meddling family rant! Okay, I get it. I just had a baby. But for the last few months of pregnancy I was unable to get out and about due to a rotated pelvis (docs missed it of course... An ex massage therapist pointed it out!), and being so sore... Getting out and about at least once every 1-2 weeks is how I unwind. Just by myself. So naturally, getting my energy and ability to move back... I am getting ancy and feel like the walls are closing in on me (like claustrophobia). What reply do I get (mother in law)...? That I had a baby. THANKS I never knew that. -_- but apparently baby = stuck forever at home. Which if I did that... Everything would go downhill so fast. Our weather is only just starting to break 0 Celsius.

Lol SofiasMami, if I want advice I do two things: ask MY mom (non-hypocrite and very helpful) or I remind myself that if my sister in law Denise (r.i.p) could do this with TWO kids, and she was disabled from strokes and a hereditary disease (crippled hand, could not walk well etc)... So can I.

At least my SO understands. He will be home tomorrow so I will be able to go out for a couple hours.

 

[Senamian]

His mother took Chloe for the day (which is nice, I am not complaining). But I am still tense from so many things she said... I mean during my labor she told him to "man up" (men, any women who says that to you, needs to be told to shut the Hell up...), when the nurse asked if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord... Not every guy wants to or can do that... My mom had to stand up for him against HIS OWN MOTHER for fresia sakes...

I asked my mom if that was tough love, and she said NO. That was degrading. Mental abuse. I kind of understand that now, considering I have officially become another verbal punching bag for this ******* woman.

"You only had your baby 10 days ago, so you DON'T HAVE ANY ******* CLUE WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING!" this was after all I asked was a couple hours of goddamn sanity by going out on my own, no one there.. Just to clear my head and relax. Apparently, you should just lock yourself up in your goddamn house after you have your kid.

And that is not the first time she has said stuff like that to him/me/us... Usually I can brush it off, but it's me against her. He won't stand up to her for HIMSELF let alone anyone else. I have said aloud so many times that I feel like I am being degraded, that I feel like I must be a ******* moron or something.... But I am better off talking to the wall because I can then pretend like it hears me...

Last night just had a complete breakdown. By myself. Made me worse when all I could think of was "I wish none of this happened." Wish it was back in March, with no kid. Not that I mean it... But I am just feeling more than just overwhelmed. I can't even stop crying! Then when I look at my daughter I feel so much **** guilt for feeling this way...

The health nurse called. She asked me questions... And I didn't really want to talk. Everything I said was short and simple. Part of me wanted to say "I need some help!" but like I always do when I feel trapped or alone is block people off. Shut them off from me. WHY did I do that?! I have a pretty bad feeling I have post partum depression... Just stress alone I eat very little to nothing. Now? I can't even eat. It's just me I'm hurting on that part, but with outbursts, crying fits, and feeling like there is no one to talk to... It sucks. I don't even want to tell my SO because I don't want his MOTHER to know. I can only assume the worse of her, and knowing that I am depressed would just drive her to be even ruder to me and to him.

 

[Groucho]

Assuming what you've presented here is true (I can't comment as it's only one point of view), it seems like his mother is the problem and is at risk of destroying the relationship, which quite frankly, seems to be her intention.

Assuming she is attacking your SO as well, he should really join forces with you in basically, isolating her and effectively cutting her out - because if she is non-contributory (IE, constantly hostile with no nice side) then she, in-effect, serves no benefit by being in such close proximity. I don't mean to completely shun, of course (as family, probably needs help herself from time to time), but I mean to reduce the average time spent around her as much as reasonably possible.

If she uses information adversely, withhold the information. If she's rude and toxic when invited to places, don't invite her. You in effect need to do damage control, because she is clearly affecting you, and I'm concerned it will ultimately affect your parenting also (because if you start feeling depressed or angry - don't feel guilty on this, it's natural, I've had... maybe still have, depression - you may be much less responsive to the needs of the child because you will feel demotivated: and it's not your fault because his mother is clearly the cause of it).

If she's causing trouble to your SO, then he's got to side with you in damage control. If she starts acting nicer, you can reintegrate her as appropriate, but right now, if all she's doing is destructive, she needs to be contained. For your mental health, for the possible health of your child, for the stability of the relationship.

And personally, given I have read the new testament, I will comment:

"You only had your baby 10 days ago, so you DON'T HAVE ANY ******* CLUE WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING!"

Ask her where (I assume it's the same one as the nan who claims to be Christian?) in the new testament Jesus says to make snide remarks to other people? If that is what she said to you, that behaviour is utterly terrible, and, hypocritical. Jesus was a nice and supportive dude, not someone who makes quip commentary like this.

 

[Senamian]

Nope Nana is my grandma. This woman is my SO's Mom... And she is not religious (at this point thank God (lol..))

I really do feel unmotivated to tend to my kid already. Don't think it helped that I was incapable of doing anything for the three dayswe were in the hospital... And I have tried to tell my SO how I felt about what she says but there is no response in return. I understand.. It is his mom. But even I have snapped at my own mom for some things she used to say or do (key word: USED TO). I haven't cut her out or anything but I set down what was acceptable. And so far her and my dad are the ONLY ones with any faith in our ability to care for OUR kid. As my Mom said: "I can only advice you, not tell you."

As for his mother's intentions... I think this is just how she is. You're sticking a stubborn hot headed person (me) against an ewualky stubborn sharp tongued person (her). It's a disaster already. She likes her other son's SO because she is "sweet and nice" (very true actually) but really it is because she nods and smiles. I don't.

When we left her house two nights ago, I was more than tense. I was ******* rigid. And he knew that because he has seen me like this before (except last time it was sided with a desire to KO his neighbor >_> ). I may have to ask my Mom to help me out with getting him to stand up for himself and his family. I don't want this stress... I don't want to battle this alone and sure as Hell don't want to have to try to defend myself hopelessly against his mother!!

 

[SofiasMami]

Your partner needs to talk to his mom about backing off. His first loyalty should be to the baby and you and you have enough to worry about right now with taking care of a newborn.
Don't be afraid to ask for some help with the baby too. Nobody can do it alone! If someone offers to help, don't think about it, just say "YES".

-Teresa