First dates, appointments, etc [ego]

[tusk]

Can someone help me clear this up?
I'm not excited about going on first dates, nor meeting new friends, though people in general seem to like those kinds of things. I'm confident that I'm able to handle a situation like that well enough, I think, and that it'll probably be fun.
But I keep delaying or secretly hoping that the other person forgets about our appointment – I don't put in any effort to make it happen.
If it's with a friend I've known for long then it's good, but I get these feelings with people I don't know too well, maybe it is that I can't feel like being myself?
I guess it's anxiousness; it feels a bit like I want to cry. Maybe a slight "fight or flight".
I have four theories:
1) it's the edge of my comfort zone
2) I don't find the person interesting enough (how do I know, I haven't met him/her!)
3) I'm simply just not interested in meeting people (then what should I do about my lacking social life...)
4) I'm lazy

I need to expand my social circle, but to make that happen I have to meet new people...

Edit, this can vary from moment to moment. If I'm already in a social situation, the probability is much higher that I will try to meet someone.

 

[kamya]

Sounds like social anxiety. If I had to pick though I'd say it's number 1. You just aren't comfortable meeting with new people. You'll get over it if you keep going out and meeting them though. You just have to do it. It's really hard. The only reason I got better with it is because of my job.

 

[ahaikulife]

Can someone help me clear this up?
I'm not excited about going on first dates, nor meeting new friends, though people in general seem to like those kinds of things. I'm confident that I'm able to handle a situation like that well enough, I think, and that it'll probably be fun.
But I keep delaying or secretly hoping that the other person forgets about our appointment – I don't put in any effort to make it happen.
If it's with a friend I've known for long then it's good, but I get these feelings with people I don't know too well, maybe it is that I can't feel like being myself?
I guess it's anxiousness; it feels a bit like I want to cry. Maybe a slight "fight or flight".
I have four theories:
1) it's the edge of my comfort zone
2) I don't find the person interesting enough (how do I know, I haven't met him/her!)
3) I'm simply just not interested in meeting people (then what should I do about my lacking social life...)
4) I'm lazy

I need to expand my social circle, but to make that happen I have to meet new people...

Edit, this can vary from moment to moment. If I'm already in a social situation, the probability is much higher that I will try to meet someone.

Well, I can kind of relate to a point. I don't care at all for "first dates"... whether it is romantic or as a friendship. The initial getting to know people, I find .... odd and uncomfortable. I like people more once I get to know them, and, once they get to know me. Once you realize that somebody knows you, and still wants to be with you, it is a lot easier to be yourself. That fear of rejection is lessened... you know they already want to hang out with you, so you become more comfortable with yourself around them. I think it also works in the reverse; after you get to know somebody, you know what they are about, and that they are somebody you would like to spend time with, and, hopefully for most people, you know that they are kind, etc... well, w/e personality it is that you like, you already know that they have those qualities in which you can respect or enjoy... but, the thing is, you can only learn this if you get to know them, and get to know whether or not you find them interesting... remember, just because you may find somebody uninteresting doesn't mean that they are not, in fact, interesting, it just means that you are not interested in them, and vice-versa.

I think it is normal not to feel like you can't be yourself when meeting new people. I think most people are nervous in these situations... especially if you have any kind of self-image or self-confidence issues.

 

[tusk]

Sounds like social anxiety. If I had to pick though I'd say it's number 1. You just aren't comfortable meeting with new people. You'll get over it if you keep going out and meeting them though. You just have to do it. It's really hard. The only reason I got better with it is because of my job.

I'm on the fence with all this social anxiety stuff, I can't decide whether I have it or not. It's annoying. I've read quite a bit about it, and done a test (http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/disorder/liebowitz/ – I scored 25 last time), but I only have a few of the characteristics. Maybe I'm not being honest with myself out of not knowing what I'm feeling. It's so hard to pinpoint the feelings.
Do you think doing something like the "rejection therapy" might work? Is it fear of rejection?

Well, I can kind of relate to a point. I don't care at all for "first dates"... whether it is romantic or as a friendship. The initial getting to know people, I find .... odd and uncomfortable. I like people more once I get to know them, and, once they get to know me. Once you realize that somebody knows you, and still wants to be with you, it is a lot easier to be yourself. That fear of rejection is lessened... you know they already want to hang out with you, so you become more comfortable with yourself around them. I think it also works in the reverse; after you get to know somebody, you know what they are about, and that they are somebody you would like to spend time with, and, hopefully for most people, you know that they are kind, etc... well, w/e personality it is that you like, you already know that they have those qualities in which you can respect or enjoy... but, the thing is, you can only learn this if you get to know them, and get to know whether or not you find them interesting... remember, just because you may find somebody uninteresting doesn't mean that they are not, in fact, interesting, it just means that you are not interested in them, and vice-versa.

I think it is normal not to feel like you can't be yourself when meeting new people. I think most people are nervous in these situations... especially if you have any kind of self-image or self-confidence issues.

I agree to this, and I also have a tendency to have bad and negative ideas about someone before I've gotten to know them, unfortunately. For example; if I see someone in class socializing a lot, I might peg that person as the "social/jocky kind" and not make contact. Then, by some chance, we do a group assignment together or something like that and we get along great. Even spend some time outside of school. It happens quite often, people in general turn out to be much better than what my first impressions of them are. They have more depth usually.

 

[ahaikulife]

Sounds like social anxiety. If I had to pick though I'd say it's number 1. You just aren't comfortable meeting with new people. You'll get over it if you keep going out and meeting them though. You just have to do it. It's really hard. The only reason I got better with it is because of my job.

I'm on the fence with all this social anxiety stuff, I can't decide whether I have it or not. It's annoying. I've read quite a bit about it, and done a test (http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/disorder/liebowitz/ ), but I only have a few of the characteristics. Maybe I'm not being honest with myself out of not knowing what I'm feeling. It's so hard to pinpoint the feelings.
Do you think doing something like the "rejection therapy" might work? Is it fear of rejection?

Well, I can kind of relate to a point. I don't care at all for "first dates"... whether it is romantic or as a friendship. The initial getting to know people, I find .... odd and uncomfortable. I like people more once I get to know them, and, once they get to know me. Once you realize that somebody knows you, and still wants to be with you, it is a lot easier to be yourself. That fear of rejection is lessened... you know they already want to hang out with you, so you become more comfortable with yourself around them. I think it also works in the reverse; after you get to know somebody, you know what they are about, and that they are somebody you would like to spend time with, and, hopefully for most people, you know that they are kind, etc... well, w/e personality it is that you like, you already know that they have those qualities in which you can respect or enjoy... but, the thing is, you can only learn this if you get to know them, and get to know whether or not you find them interesting... remember, just because you may find somebody uninteresting doesn't mean that they are not, in fact, interesting, it just means that you are not interested in them, and vice-versa.

I think it is normal not to feel like you can't be yourself when meeting new people. I think most people are nervous in these situations... especially if you have any kind of self-image or self-confidence issues.

I agree to this, and I also have a tendency to have bad and negative ideas about someone before I've gotten to know them, unfortunately. For example; if I see someone in class socializing a lot, I might peg that person as the "social/jocky kind" and not make contact. Then, by some chance, we do a group assignment together or something like that and we get along great. Even spend some time outside of school. It happens quite often, people in general turn out to be much better than what my first impressions of them are. To have more depth.

yeah, you have to be careful sticking labels on people... I know that it is prevalent in high school aged people, but as you know, because you just said it, those labels do not accurately let you know what a person is like. Labels and judging are never good.... I am sure you wouldn't like to be judged by others based off of what clothes you wear, or whether you play sports or not..... know what I'm sayin' ?

 

[tusk]

yeah, you have to be careful sticking labels on people... I know that it is prevalent in high school aged people, but as you know, because you just said it, those labels do not accurately let you know what a person is like. Labels and judging are never good.... I am sure you wouldn't like to be judged by others based off of what clothes you wear, or whether you play sports or not..... know what I'm sayin' ?

Of course, I'm not doing it because I want to. It's not like I can take any characteristic and turn it into something bad; what clothes someone is wearing doesn't matter to me. I think it's mostly just people that I sense as social, like maybe they have higher social value than me.

 

[kamya]

I'm not sure that it's a fear of rejection. You just aren't used to going out like that and being social with people. Maybe you think you will have a bad time? I used to do the same thing. Make appointments with people and then secretly hope they cancel so that I don't have to go out.

I used to get nervous over small things like calling companies/people on the phone when I needed to fix something, or even going out to get gas or to go grocery shopping. I would put it all off until the last possible moment until I was forced to do call or go out. The phone thing has cost me a lot of money in the past. When I actually did do those things though the experience usually wasn't that bad. But for some reason the anxiety was still the same.

It wasn't until I got a service job that forced me to see and socialize with a lot of new people every day that I got over these things. It took a while too. Probably 2 months for me to slowly get over it. I was the quiet person and everyone I worked with knew I was nervous and stressed whenever I tried talking to them. Luckily they are all nice and didn't shut me out or make me feel bad. So now I'm a lot more social and a lot of it comes more natural to me now. I don't get anxious or nervous with small things anymore.

I still get anxious and nervous when it comes to things like bars and clubs though. I don't think I will ever set foot in any of those places.

So I'm not sure if you need "rejection" therapy or not. I kind of got lucky with my job. Most jobs I had in the past were not as good for me. People usually don't like quiet people and they shut them out. From my experience my advice would get to get a service job where you have to interact a bit with strangers.

 

[tusk]

I'm not sure that it's a fear of rejection. You just aren't used to going out like that and being social with people. Maybe you think you will have a bad time? I used to do the same thing. Make appointments with people and then secretly hope they cancel so that I don't have to go out.

I used to get nervous over small things like calling companies/people on the phone when I needed to fix something, or even going out to get gas or to go grocery shopping. I would put it all off until the last possible moment until I was forced to do call or go out. The phone thing has cost me a lot of money in the past. When I actually did do those things though the experience usually wasn't that bad. But for some reason the anxiety was still the same.

It wasn't until I got a service job that forced me to see and socialize with a lot of new people every day that I got over these things. It took a while too. Probably 2 months for me to slowly get over it. I was the quiet person and everyone I worked with knew I was nervous and stressed whenever I tried talking to them. Luckily they are all nice and didn't shut me out or make me feel bad. So now I'm a lot more social and a lot of it comes more natural to me now. I don't get anxious or nervous with small things anymore.

I still get anxious and nervous when it comes to things like bars and clubs though. I don't think I will ever set foot in any of those places.

So I'm not sure if you need "rejection" therapy or not. I kind of got lucky with my job. Most jobs I had in the past were not as good for me. People usually don't like quiet people and they shut them out. From my experience my advice would get to get a service job where you have to interact a bit with strangers.

Thanks for telling me about how it's been for you, it's nice to get something to compare with in this regard. In your case, I think it's pretty obvious that it was/is SA. But for me, it's not as clear; I don't have any problems whatsoever going to the grocery store, I might even chat a bit with the cashier. No problem calling companies or people, and there's no problem going to bars or clubs. If I'm in the countryside, I greet people that I pass by on the road.
Maybe it was much worse before and I've improved; I can't remember. Probably. Maybe this is one of the final hurdles to get over.
Strangely, it's most often the phase before I ask someone to hang out that is the worse. It's then that I feel the anxiousness. When there's a committed appointment, it goes away and my mood is improved–I might even look forward to it.

 

[kamya]

Ah. Maybe it really is fear or rejection then.